Kids: Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There... - FML

By reallydevonte - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

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Old lady hotline

Unrequited lover

Alexa, put on "Trust" by Low

By Powerless - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By grrrrrr - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that just because I got my braces removed does not mean my painful mouth ulcers will stop. I now have them under my tongue. I can't even lick my lips. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Bunsofpain - United States

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

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By Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep they crawl on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Princeton

Today, I left my house angrily after arguing over the Super Bowl. I guess karma gets nasty when you wish a member of the opposing team would break his back. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By girlsx2mom - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML

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By shal4

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

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By Out Ran - United States

Today, while running, I sped up to show off for a cute female runner I'd seen before up ahead. I passed her and not more than a minute later she sprints past me. I couldn't catch up. She not only out ran me, but waited to tell me it was a 'nice try'. FML

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By lea5459 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

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By SummerJob

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By oh - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

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By doody - United States

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

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By pained - United States

Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By sucks_brah - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By glowstick - United States

Today, my dog ate my little brothers medication. I spent all morning trying to make him throw it up, but it wasn't working so I took him to the animal hospital, which was in a different city. $150 in poison control and vet bills later, I found the pill we thought he ate stuck under his paw. FML

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By tgstreaks - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I found out my fiancée has been sleeping with the salesman I bought her engagement ring from. He knew. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

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By pass_the_tp - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By thwack - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By fatteningmeup - United States

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

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By Laloose - France

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

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By eric4 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML

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By A. - United States

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

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By stickers - United States

Today, I was going through my moms closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

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By BigHelp - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

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By Flip - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

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Top comments

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6663324 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 10:05

Considering you were at the eye doctor, he is lucky the fat lady didn't accidentally sit on him.

In all seriousness though, he needs to learn some manners!

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6663320 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 9:58

Hope you apologized on his behalf & talked to him about it later. As long as you taught him that it was inappropriate, you're doing your part! Good luck!

COMMENTS

By techieloot1 | 6

#6663317 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 9:56

well I guess it's time for your brother to live with " fat lady "

Reply

TheNoNameGuy | 20

#6663394 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:44

I don't get this

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6663320 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 9:58

Hope you apologized on his behalf & talked to him about it later. As long as you taught him that it was inappropriate, you're doing your part! Good luck!

By blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6663324 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 10:05

Considering you were at the eye doctor, he is lucky the fat lady didn't accidentally sit on him.

In all seriousness though, he needs to learn some manners!

By exotica_realist | 3

#6663332 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 10:18

Did she sing at the end of the appointment ? because it ain't over until the fat lady ... never mind.

Reply

blairiofosterio1 | 10

#6663333 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 10:19

I see what you did there. OP probably doesn't though....

By ham814 | 8

#6663388 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 12:22

little kids always seem to know the most embarrassing thing to say at any given moment

By firemuncher | 19

#6663419 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 13:52

the joy of little siblings always embarrassing you in public :/

By worldclassrager | 39

#6663475 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 15:39

Well it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and she probably spoke up afterwords...sorry OP...it's over...

By CLott_fml | 6

#6663531 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 16:57

Well don't be so fat!!

By species4872 | 19

#6663540 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 17:12

Kids tell it as it is.

Reply

TAntobella | 14

#6663900 - Wednesday 3 August 2016 1:22

No, kids tell it as it looks like - that's a big difference.

By LAURA_EL_JUICE | 6

#6663726 - Tuesday 2 August 2016 20:25

OMFG I would be mortified!!!!