Health: Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump...

By Stepheroni

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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Health

The smell detective is on the case

Out of it

The client is always right

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

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By spark - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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By sincerely depressed. - United States - Fremont

Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML

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By ashlee - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By Shutup! - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

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By mysterygurll1234567 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

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By Sonic - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By orgasmicriding - United States - Wyandotte

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

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By THOMASisMYname - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML

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By m0r0n - 20/10/2020 20:00 - United States - Cleveland

Cancer sucks

Today, like most days, I awoke from a dream where my hair was long again. This time, it was in the way while I was trying to drink water from a fountain. I lost my hair from chemo; it's slowly growing back. FML

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By lorena_v

Today, I screamed at the top of my lungs in the middle of a math test because I saw a spider that wound up being a hairball. My teacher was incredibly sympathetic, taking off only five points for "disrupting our working environment". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my little brother. He was looking at me and says "so cool." I asked him what was so cool and he says "it's not that cool but, your eyebrow connects to your other eyebrow". FML

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By xo007 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while at the mall, a kid no older than 5 pushed a stroller into my heel, which caught the back of my shoe and caused me to face-plant the floor in the middle of a very crowded department store. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By clumsyandpoor - United States - Watertown

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

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By sharpie2792 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, one of my friends thought it would be funny to tell my psycho clinger of an ex that I still like her. It had only been a few months since she finally stopped stalking me. FML

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By inefficiencies - 2/2/2021 05:10

See ya!

Today, I was supposed to have a hospital appointment I've been waiting three months for, but they changed it to a phone call. The call consisted of the consultant asking questions and saying, "Yes, I see that in your notes", before concluding I need to a physical appointment and booking one… for three months' time. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By rubberduck1 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I told my boss I could handle running the floor buffer. Thirty seconds in, I lost control and became pinned to the wall by its force. In my state of shock and embarrassment, I didn't realize the only thing keeping me trapped was my grip on the accelerator. FML

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By Anonymous

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

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By blondebarbie271 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

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By workwork

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By asdfBUTT - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

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By bchorror

One ring to…

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

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By illiterate - Australia

Today, my boss gave me an "All you need to know about grammar" book. FML

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By Fucked. - 26/4/2021 07:59

Oh nooooo

Today, my supervisor at work is now my father-in-law. My girlfriend told me that. FML

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By motherfucked - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

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Top comments

By Eashy | 16

#7438411 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:13

Well at least you don't have cancer

By cacheson | 41

#7438424 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:32

Maybe you should submit it as s Guinness world record.

COMMENTS

By Eashy | 16

#7438411 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:13

Well at least you don't have cancer

By aquapearl736 | 16

#7438419 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:28

That's a really pessimistic way of looking at being told that you don't have cancer...

By aquapearl736 | 16

#7438420 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:29

That's a really pessimistic way of looking at being told that you don't have cancer...

By cacheson | 41

#7438424 - Thursday 13 April 2017 18:32

Maybe you should submit it as s Guinness world record.

By ZoroMiHawk | 25

#7438501 - Thursday 13 April 2017 21:34

better to know

By AnthonyCS5 | 19

#7438533 - Thursday 13 April 2017 22:26

Eeeewwwwwww! Just Ew!

By blahblahla | 7

#7438545 - Thursday 13 April 2017 22:47

While those are great news, its still nasty as hell!

By Akitakat | 31

#7438562 - Thursday 13 April 2017 23:33

Have the doc put it on video & onto YT. There are people who love watching zits & blackheads popped.

brendejafulable | 41

#7438700 - Friday 14 April 2017 8:02

Me me meeeeee

brendejafulable | 41

#7438701 - Friday 14 April 2017 8:02

Me me meeeeee

By Yudith | 20

#7438813 - Friday 14 April 2017 12:35

Have a baker prepare cupcakes in the likeness of your zit to celebrate the fact that you do not have cancer! Apparently, when you squeeze them, French vanilla custard comes out.

By onceuponatime456 | 16

#7438900 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:48

Why would you think a white lump is cancer?