Health: Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been... - FML

By Manatee - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

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Sorry…

My body, my choice

Get the message, dude

By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By stupidity - Switzerland - Geneva

Today, trying to look cool, I threw my coke bottle in the air, and tried to catch it with one hand. I missed and it fell to the floor. Luckily, it wasn't open, but in my unimaginable stupidity, I opened it less than five seconds later. FML

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By annoymous - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

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By ertyo - Romania - Oradea

Today, it's Christmas Eve. I was the happiest ever realizing that all the bills are paid, all the presents are bought, all the food is ready, and I still have some money left. This my biggest accomplishment so far as a young adult. Until I realized I don't have a tree. Adulting is hard. FML

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By thegirlwiththedumbassbf - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

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By Username

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quincy

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 14:02

OK, well, goodbye

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By Derpina - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By justhereforlaughs - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By disgusted - United Kingdom

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By ohyaknow - United States

Communication

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By Jane - United States - Beaver Falls

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By pizza girl - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone, so I started singing to my cat. After a half hour of this, I finally stopped. Then I heard applauding. I turned around to find my parents standing in my doorway. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, a guy who I've been on five dates with called me for the first time in 2 weeks. The first thing I said was, "Don't expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me." Then he told me his mom died. FML

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By AlyCo55

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

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By crazyjohnny - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By doughgirl101 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By fml9124

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

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By GoodbyeNewJob

Today, I accidentally said, "Hell yes!" in front of a potential employer and a group of kids before an interview at a daycare center. FML

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Top comments

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188987 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Hahaha, I love this.

By mattmag | 0

#189045 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:50

Well, now you know. Stick to the old-school stingy peroxide stuff.

COMMENTS

By justdance45 | 0

#188985 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

Shit, that's gotta hurt.

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#923014 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:30

ya. this isn't even a fml. it's just a ironic moment.

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2242925 - Saturday 26 March 2011 4:57

they should make an app called "ironic moments of faggots"

Reply

Likian5 | 26

#4682595 - Friday 13 July 2012 7:54

Bullshit this ain't an FML. It definitely SUCKS to be allergic to one of the most effective disinfectants out there...

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188987 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Hahaha, I love this.

Reply

pajamurao | 0

#1061900 - Sunday 4 July 2010 8:01

haha
when I read it, I was hoping he'd get Spidey powers at one point.

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#188992 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

Yeah, not too bad, at least it wasnt on your junk or something

By vroom_fml | 0

#188998 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

Not FML status, just more of an annoyance really...

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#189002 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

Damn that sucks

By ashketchummmm | 0

#189004 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

laaaame as hell.

By pippysthename00 | 0

#189008 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:40

#4, it never says where the spider bite was. For all you know, it could have been on his "junk".

By PureGold | 0

#189017 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:42

haha, I moderated this one xP

lol who would have though that could happen? FYL indeed. I hope it heals soon!

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#189023 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:44

#8, truth, idk why but i for some reason assumed it was on his (another assumption, or her) finger or something

By Phallus_fml | 0

#189037 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:48

Slap doctor's face for laughing!!!