Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been... - FML

By Manatee - 11/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

DINOSAURS!!

A beautiful truck decoration

By scully11 - 2/8/2011 18:36 - Canada

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By too cool - 1/7/2014 03:59 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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By britney - 15/2/2010 02:54 - Canada

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

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By Cassidy Bowen - 16/6/2012 05:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - 8/3/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 20:00

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - 8/8/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By Stephanie - 5/3/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By ulisha5 - 2/8/2013 21:54 - Bulgaria - Burgas

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

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By Hireme - 8/7/2018 01:30

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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By toni405 - 21/7/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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By al - 15/4/2012 03:02 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

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By facepalm - 6/6/2012 08:06 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my mother is trying to convince me to divorce my husband. He has a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder and she believes this means he kills people. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2014 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

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By xetsa - 13/2/2010 05:23 - France

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

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By babybreath - 3/6/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By englishfail - 15/1/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, I was teaching a class and my student pointed out that I used the wrong "your" while writing on the board. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

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By honeynuggetviolin - 1/5/2013 00:31

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 23:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

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By James - 16/1/2012 04:17 - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

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By xmassmasher - 2/12/2014 07:52 - United States - Ruston

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:12 - United States

Today, I was waiting in line to use the bathroom. I complained to the guy next to me about how long the lady was taking. I kept making jokes about it, but he never seemed to laugh. Finally, the door opened and out came a lady in a wheelchair. The guy next to me was her husband. FML

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By jobless - 13/9/2015 14:07 - United States

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2016 04:48 - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

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By Scoopie - 15/3/2017 14:00

Same as "work", "boss" is also a four-letter word

Today, my job offer from 2 weeks ago was rescinded. My "new boss" didn't like my last performance review. I'd spent 30 hours preparing a case study for the second interview. He wants me to be a "standup guy" and withdraw my application voluntarily, so HR doesn't have to get involved. FML

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By Unemployed - 28/8/2016 17:16 - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By longest minute - 25/5/2016 11:28 - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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By - 31/10/2015 12:36 - United States

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

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By avanti - 24/4/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was studying for a midterm, so I put my computer on the side of my desk to make more room for my books. My roommate came in while I wasn't paying attention and tackle-hugged me from behind - I fell over, knocking my computer out the window. I live on the 8th floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned companies can legally lie to fire an employee, and unless anything they say is on record, they are legally correct, no matter how unethical the company is. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

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Top comments

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188987 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Hahaha, I love this.

By mattmag | 0

#189045 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:50

Well, now you know. Stick to the old-school stingy peroxide stuff.

Comments

By justdance45 | 0

#188985 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:36

Shit, that's gotta hurt.

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#923014 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:30

ya. this isn't even a fml. it's just a ironic moment.

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2242925 - Saturday 26 March 2011 4:57

they should make an app called "ironic moments of faggots"

Reply

Likian5 | 26

#4682595 - Friday 13 July 2012 7:54

Bullshit this ain't an FML. It definitely SUCKS to be allergic to one of the most effective disinfectants out there...

By pippysthename00 | 0

#188987 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:37

Hahaha, I love this.

Reply

pajamurao | 0

#1061900 - Sunday 4 July 2010 8:01

haha
when I read it, I was hoping he'd get Spidey powers at one point.

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#188992 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

Yeah, not too bad, at least it wasnt on your junk or something

By vroom_fml | 0

#188998 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:38

Not FML status, just more of an annoyance really...

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#189002 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

Damn that sucks

By ashketchummmm | 0

#189004 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:39

laaaame as hell.

By pippysthename00 | 0

#189008 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:40

#4, it never says where the spider bite was. For all you know, it could have been on his "junk".

By PureGold | 0

#189017 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:42

haha, I moderated this one xP

lol who would have though that could happen? FYL indeed. I hope it heals soon!

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#189023 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:44

#8, truth, idk why but i for some reason assumed it was on his (another assumption, or her) finger or something

By Phallus_fml | 0

#189037 - Monday 11 May 2009 20:48

Slap doctor's face for laughing!!!