Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told...

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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Health

You can't win sometimes

Crowded House

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 22:00

Today, I went into my fridge and someone had drank all the beer. Only my 8-year-old son lives with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2013 15:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By dearbailee - 18/9/2012 14:04 - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By 44haley44 - 12/7/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By James - 12/8/2011 07:54 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

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By Tcake - 19/5/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I was drying off with a towel after coming in from outside. I noticed that the bathroom smelled like cat pee, so I sniffed all around to find out where my cat peed. Turns out, he peed on the towel that I was drying myself off with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

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By Davios - 27/12/2010 20:48 - United States

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

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By civicman - 27/9/2009 02:19 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

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By Failure - 22/5/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By piercednipple - 30/6/2015 16:02 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML

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By loud sweeper - 7/10/2019 06:00

Mrs Heckles?

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

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By PizzaNIF - 13/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Henderson

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML

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By stardustveins - 24/9/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML

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By Connie - 4/6/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By gross - 11/6/2016 07:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - 5/7/2011 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By - 3/1/2009 16:48 - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 15:38 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML

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By GetHardOrGoHome - 31/3/2012 04:22 - United States - Chardon

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

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By pooh anne - 26/2/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

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By nopissleft - 20/12/2013 21:05 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

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By jpmetz - 26/9/2011 04:29 - United States

Today, my credit card got blocked. Apparently, my bank thinks buying a $130 flat iron online is suspicious. FML

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By nipman - 25/4/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

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By PhailedMidterm - 12/3/2013 19:03 - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

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By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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By Harry - 5/12/2009 05:29 - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 14:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By me - 15/12/2013 01:49 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Sophie - 7/6/2012 07:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 18:30

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

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By TooLoud - 31/5/2015 00:12 - United States - Moorpark

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

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By Jetlagged - 3/6/2017 22:00

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

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By Less - 7/3/2011 19:39 - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By hale_551 - 11/9/2015 16:34

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By ohno - 25/3/2012 13:11 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By daddyowl - 25/5/2012 04:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

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By Disappointed - 30/5/2015 20:05 - United States - Lexington

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

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Top comments

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.

Comments

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

z620 | 0

#931085 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:06

haha u gotta funny doctor lmao

JamesM9794 | 0

#967774 - Thursday 25 March 2010 6:05

rotflol try w ur left instead of right. it's a whole new thing

TribalSeed | 4

#1053210 - Friday 2 July 2010 3:57

porn elbow

caligurls | 0

#1073398 - Thursday 8 July 2010 8:12

what's tennis elbow????????????? 

ImThePope | 2

#1858123 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:16

I don't know specifically, but it just like an inflammation in the elbow from the repetitive movements of swatting a tennis racket... or in th OPs condition, masturbating to much ^_^

enormouselephant | 15

#5063170 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:20

I wonder if Docbastard has a picture of this one...

By nomadxx7 | 0

#81707 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

Set yourself up for that fail didn't you? lol

bridgette5866 | 0

#947231 - Sunday 14 March 2010 21:24

Hahahhhahah

davinchidude123 | 0

#1241040 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:27

yeah dude if someone asks you if you a girlfriend you say YES, kind of like if someone asks you if you are a god

By luigi23_fml | 0

#81710 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:52

haha.. damn it i probely do too

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81716 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

i'm going to be laughing at this one all day.

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81720 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

loveyoy22 | 0

#913059 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:56

he beats his dick.

zac12345 | 0

#913406 - Thursday 4 March 2010 8:06

Step 1: Ready your palm and face
Step 2: Slowly lower your face into the palm of your hand
Step 3: Facepalm

benny2465 | 0

#1202161 - Saturday 7 August 2010 5:11

5 your an idiot lmfao

ilovemydoodle123 | 0

#1558211 - Saturday 16 October 2010 21:48

seriously #5?

SoFreshAndYetDep | 0

#1730624 - Sunday 21 November 2010 13:02

He polishes the pewter, spanks the monkey, chokes the bishop, husks his corn, beats the meat, whacks the mack, slaps the bull, need I say more? I think not.

cel514 | 0

#2456315 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 7:55

well done

DalekScythe | 0

#3024021 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 21:12

I think you forgot choke the chicken.

fiblydinkerton | 0

#3566303 - Thursday 10 November 2011 3:48

Seriously....tennis players get all the ladies

CharlesScene | 3

#5920572 - Sunday 20 April 2014 19:32

All you sick minded people, cmon, what if plays to much rock, paper, scissors?

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81730 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

BURN.

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.