Health: Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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Health

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Rock, hard place

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Rumors - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

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By beetregeneration - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By viviham - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By RitaDahhlinnnng - United States

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

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By carless - United States

Today, my car was stolen. From my driveway. By the guy who sold it to me. FML

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By SMRT - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By [...] - France - Vaulx-en-velin

Today, while waiting in the queue at a supermarket checkout, my three-year-old daughter yells out, "Mom! Mom! Is that a man or a lady in front?" Embarrassed, I reply, "Honey, can't you see that it's a... it's a... a..." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By Sara - United States - Manassas

Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML

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By "schober60" - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML

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By M - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By pvtcab - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By Anonymous

Captive

Today, while eating dinner, my girlfriend looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't tell if this is love or Stockholm Syndrome, but either way I'm happy." I'm not sure what to make of that. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:01 - Canada

Slow down

Today, after months of ultrasounds and blood tests, I found out that the pain I've been feeling in my ovaries is actually just sore muscles from flicking my bean every night. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By belljars - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

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By mizzleshizzle - Canada

Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML

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By caligirl4ever

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

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By ihatemyjob - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By cookyourowndamndinner - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML

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By disgusted - United States - Herndon

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

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By hitchhiked - United States

Today, I picked up a hitchhiker. He was well dressed, and seemed trustworthy. As soon as he got in, he pulled out a gun and stole my wallet and car. All of this occurred in front of a sign warning against picking up hitchhikers. FML

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By SadSister:( - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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By kmyltd - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By Jason Brazil

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and I complained that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered "Fat girl problems." FML

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By bananagurl4242 - United States

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

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By MissQ - 20/6/2020 17:01

That's a great look!

Today, I was trying to learn how to whistle. On the elevator ride up to my room, I was experimenting with tongue placement and mouth position. At the height of my facial contortions and probable spitting, the elevator doors opened to reveal the guy I've been crushing. FML

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By wow - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

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By Brax - United States

Are you experienced?

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

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Top comments

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.

COMMENTS

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

z620 | 0

#931085 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:06

haha u gotta funny doctor lmao

JamesM9794 | 0

#967774 - Thursday 25 March 2010 6:05

rotflol try w ur left instead of right. it's a whole new thing

TribalSeed | 4

#1053210 - Friday 2 July 2010 3:57

porn elbow

caligurls | 0

#1073398 - Thursday 8 July 2010 8:12

what's tennis elbow????????????? 

ImThePope | 2

#1858123 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:16

I don't know specifically, but it just like an inflammation in the elbow from the repetitive movements of swatting a tennis racket... or in th OPs condition, masturbating to much ^_^

enormouselephant | 15

#5063170 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:20

I wonder if Docbastard has a picture of this one...

By nomadxx7 | 0

#81707 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

Set yourself up for that fail didn't you? lol

bridgette5866 | 0

#947231 - Sunday 14 March 2010 21:24

Hahahhhahah

davinchidude123 | 0

#1241040 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:27

yeah dude if someone asks you if you a girlfriend you say YES, kind of like if someone asks you if you are a god

By luigi23_fml | 0

#81710 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:52

haha.. damn it i probely do too

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81716 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

i'm going to be laughing at this one all day.

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81720 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

loveyoy22 | 0

#913059 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:56

he beats his dick.

zac12345 | 0

#913406 - Thursday 4 March 2010 8:06

Step 1: Ready your palm and face
Step 2: Slowly lower your face into the palm of your hand
Step 3: Facepalm

benny2465 | 0

#1202161 - Saturday 7 August 2010 5:11

5 your an idiot lmfao

ilovemydoodle123 | 0

#1558211 - Saturday 16 October 2010 21:48

seriously #5?

SoFreshAndYetDep | 0

#1730624 - Sunday 21 November 2010 13:02

He polishes the pewter, spanks the monkey, chokes the bishop, husks his corn, beats the meat, whacks the mack, slaps the bull, need I say more? I think not.

cel514 | 0

#2456315 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 7:55

well done

DalekScythe | 0

#3024021 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 21:12

I think you forgot choke the chicken.

fiblydinkerton | 0

#3566303 - Thursday 10 November 2011 3:48

Seriously....tennis players get all the ladies

CharlesScene | 3

#5920572 - Sunday 20 April 2014 19:32

All you sick minded people, cmon, what if plays to much rock, paper, scissors?

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81730 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

BURN.

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.