Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told...

By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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Health

Race against the clock

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Non-baby fever

By blame the maid - 13/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Deadly cocktail

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

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By it's sharty time :/ - 2/7/2016 18:45 - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

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By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By diesel444 - 23/8/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

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By JulietMarie - 10/10/2014 19:12 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

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By Fat and Embarrassed - 26/9/2016 02:09 - United States - Palmdale

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

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By stoolgal - 23/9/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

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By that guy - 6/2/2015 16:56 - United States - Atascadero

Today, my girlfriend told her parents that she's pregnant. We have never even come close to having sex, but she told them I'm the father. Not only is my girlfriend cheating on me, but her father now wants me dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

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By ART - 6/3/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By Carla J. - 19/12/2008 05:41 - France

Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML

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By yodada - 10/3/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By merp. - 2/2/2013 06:57 - United States - Wausau

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

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By lover21 - 8/5/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

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By bip - 15/12/2008 05:36 - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML

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By gmd05 - 31/7/2012 14:28 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

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By Kay Jacline Salvatierra - 15/4/2020 05:00

Shivering Herbert

Today, it's the third night in a row that I have had a sexual dream involving another woman. I'm married and when I tried talking to my husband about pleasing me better, he told me he doesn't want to go down on me because it makes him nervous. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

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By kthx - 22/10/2009 12:26 - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By whatajerk - 3/1/2015 03:11 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my dad rejected my birthday present to him because it was "Made in China." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 15:45 - Australia

Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML

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By asuramaru - 24/10/2019 16:00

Knowledge is power

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By unwed - 11/12/2010 06:56 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 03:30 - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 05:15 - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 05:03 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I started the internship of my dreams. The company has nothing for me to do, so I sit and stare at the clock. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By - 21/11/2019 15:00 - Australia - Bonnyrigg

Our secretive

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

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By Nicole - 13/3/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Sayahh - 7/1/2017 08:07

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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Top comments

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.

COMMENTS

By bigbill245 | 0

#81699 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:49

haha burrrn

z620 | 0

#931085 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 4:06

haha u gotta funny doctor lmao

JamesM9794 | 0

#967774 - Thursday 25 March 2010 6:05

rotflol try w ur left instead of right. it's a whole new thing

TribalSeed | 4

#1053210 - Friday 2 July 2010 3:57

porn elbow

caligurls | 0

#1073398 - Thursday 8 July 2010 8:12

what's tennis elbow????????????? 

ImThePope | 2

#1858123 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:16

I don't know specifically, but it just like an inflammation in the elbow from the repetitive movements of swatting a tennis racket... or in th OPs condition, masturbating to much ^_^

enormouselephant | 15

#5063170 - Saturday 20 October 2012 20:20

I wonder if Docbastard has a picture of this one...

By nomadxx7 | 0

#81707 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:51

Set yourself up for that fail didn't you? lol

bridgette5866 | 0

#947231 - Sunday 14 March 2010 21:24

Hahahhhahah

davinchidude123 | 0

#1241040 - Saturday 14 August 2010 16:27

yeah dude if someone asks you if you a girlfriend you say YES, kind of like if someone asks you if you are a god

By luigi23_fml | 0

#81710 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:52

haha.. damn it i probely do too

By King_of_Kings | 3

#81716 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:53

i'm going to be laughing at this one all day.

By amy_shmamy | 0

#81720 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

loveyoy22 | 0

#913059 - Thursday 4 March 2010 4:56

he beats his dick.

zac12345 | 0

#913406 - Thursday 4 March 2010 8:06

Step 1: Ready your palm and face
Step 2: Slowly lower your face into the palm of your hand
Step 3: Facepalm

benny2465 | 0

#1202161 - Saturday 7 August 2010 5:11

5 your an idiot lmfao

ilovemydoodle123 | 0

#1558211 - Saturday 16 October 2010 21:48

seriously #5?

SoFreshAndYetDep | 0

#1730624 - Sunday 21 November 2010 13:02

He polishes the pewter, spanks the monkey, chokes the bishop, husks his corn, beats the meat, whacks the mack, slaps the bull, need I say more? I think not.

cel514 | 0

#2456315 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 7:55

well done

DalekScythe | 0

#3024021 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 21:12

I think you forgot choke the chicken.

fiblydinkerton | 0

#3566303 - Thursday 10 November 2011 3:48

Seriously....tennis players get all the ladies

CharlesScene | 3

#5920572 - Sunday 20 April 2014 19:32

All you sick minded people, cmon, what if plays to much rock, paper, scissors?

By SomethingWitty | 0

#81730 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

BURN.

By blowhole | 0

#81732 - Saturday 4 April 2009 15:57

Wow #5...Just wow.

He has tennis elbow because he spends all of his time at home beating the hell out of his meat.

...And no, I don't think he's a butcher.