Transportation: Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the... - FML

By driver - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Dad jokes, part 43884

Zoomers zooming

By Sdutent - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By partycats - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By Evil_Angel_90 - Australia

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By moonbears - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By TayTay - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

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By rookiemistake - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By uglyyyyy - United States

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

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By 14YearOld - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the train station a woman's baggage had gotten stuck in the ticket barriers, so I used my ticket to unlock the barriers for her but told her to wait so I could get through too. She didn't wait. And I got painfully stuck in the barriers whilst I watched my train go by. FML

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By jezusflowers - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

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By Patrick R - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

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By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom while she was out of town and confessed how I have been depressed lately and thinking suicidal thoughts. After my long sob story, she took a breath and said, "OK, just make sure you don't forget to take the dogs out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

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By Ally - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By bad friend - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By JustMyLuck - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By Rye - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

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By surefeelslikelove

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By Sickasadog - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, I was crying at my desk at work. My colleague tried to cheer me up by saying: "Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a new job soon". I didn't even know I was fired. I was crying because my cat died this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party. My drunk boyfriend decided to bring my 50-inch flatscreen TV downstairs from our bedroom. The TV didn't make it. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Oldhouse - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

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By RainyDay - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By skippy_liz - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

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Top comments

By me5 | 0

#758718 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:17

The state of ilinois never lies!! Go back to your grave!

By sucks2_beyou | 0

#758710 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

haha well maybe since ur dead u wont have to pay taxes! :)

COMMENTS

By ducigfran | 0

#758697 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:08

This comment FTW!

Reply

fatvader64 | 5

#1274371 - Friday 20 August 2010 7:32

hahaha wow country fail!!

By FMLoverAgain | 7

#758700 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#918232 - Saturday 6 March 2010 6:20

lol

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1770484 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 1:08

win

Reply

ric4rolz | 0

#3506409 - Saturday 29 October 2011 1:23

Are you retarded?

Reply

pinky94 | 5

#4811717 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 7:11

I'd have to say yes plus mental :P

Reply

HollyDolly660 | 8

#5128856 - Thursday 8 November 2012 23:56

Pretty sure it was a joke...?

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5371959 - Sunday 17 February 2013 21:00

It's a funny joke, asshole.

By sucks2_beyou | 0

#758710 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

haha well maybe since ur dead u wont have to pay taxes! :)

Reply

fuckmrsoftee | 0

#2016361 - Friday 28 January 2011 13:52

that's awesome. and she could haunt people just by showing her death certificate... she gets to be an official ghost now. I would write a novel on that

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5921216 - Monday 21 April 2014 11:18

OP is a male.

By JIY537 | 0

#758717 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

WTF how'd that happen

By me5 | 0

#758718 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:17

The state of ilinois never lies!! Go back to your grave!

Reply

what_the_fail | 0

#790258 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:53

Lmfao #6 win

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#833429 - Monday 8 February 2010 4:43

lmao that was hilarious #6

Reply

mayumm | 0

#1084532 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:33

hahahaha :)

By vendretta | 19

#758719 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:18

Happened where I work. Little girl came to get her scrips filled (I'd say about 13) and her insurance had her down as being dead. Even when we called, they wouldn't fix it. Country is ridiculous.

Reply

newlove_fml | 0

#3912302 - Friday 20 January 2012 4:39

How does that even happen? And why wouldn't they fix it?

Reply

MoodyBlue320 | 11

#4306929 - Sunday 15 April 2012 6:54

How do things like that even happen? ????

By acesarge | 0

#758727 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:24

ZOMBIE!

Reply

futbollova | 0

#1758067 - Saturday 27 November 2010 7:32

I've got my longshot stocked with 16,304,000 darts!!!!

Reply

monkji10 | 0

#2616671 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:16

f**k nerf i got the twelve gage at the ready!!!!

Reply

mibs3 | 11

#4643454 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:38

ive got 3 nerf maverics and two vulcan ebf 25s

Reply

swag2314 | 0

#4650822 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 23:52

Bath salts?

By clusterfungus | 3

#758732 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:27

Score! Go rob a bank!

Reply

baysidegurl | 0

#3020152 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:09

hahaha :)

Reply

pinky94 | 5

#4811697 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 7:06

Why not a jewelry store? >:3

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5057996 - Friday 19 October 2012 4:00

188 - Because banks carry more money.

Reply

holly_fly | 34

#6575965 - Thursday 7 April 2016 20:48

Not if you sell the jewelry.

By onnielief | 4

#758736 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:29

2nd person presumable dead, and all that in 1 day. Calling fake on this one as well.

Reply

newsgit | 0

#758804 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 21:16

it's a world wide website, buddy. Things happen.

Reply

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7658117 - Saturday 7 July 2018 22:07

You don’t even know shit

By readersssssss | 0

#758763 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:45

You don't have the same insurance than my grandfather...they called him to ask "Are you still alive ?"
But, yes, FML

Reply

jutyjaty | 9

#3125810 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 14:35

L

F

Reply

SimpleMinds_fml | 7

#3444186 - Monday 17 October 2011 8:59

Haha, they have done that to people in my family too