Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the... - FML

By driver - 6/1/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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Messed up

Boozehound alert

Go anyway, see the sights

By anonymous - 24/12/2014 23:56 - United States

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

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By Sostupid - 24/1/2011 03:41 - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

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By crying over wasted milk - 14/8/2019 17:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

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By stupiddog - 15/4/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By optimistic2628 - 19/10/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

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By kiwichick4life - 30/7/2013 16:42 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

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By missy - 16/6/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By "ZeroG57" - 4/5/2017 14:00

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By ptarr12345 - 14/5/2015 04:26 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

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By locksmack - 14/6/2009 12:46 - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

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By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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By minissaussette - 8/4/2016 23:39 - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, I was driving and a cute guy was staring at me. Flattered, I smiled at him, but he didn't even react. I realized he wasn't admiring me he was admiring my truck. This is the 5th time this week. My truck gets more game than I do. FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By karina17 - 18/10/2009 05:03 - Canada

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late - he said 'Oh, something came up'. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML

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By vee2013 - 26/4/2014 04:22 - Canada - London

Today, I finally decided to do something productive and clean my room. When I went to pick up the first thing off my floor I hit my head on my desk and gave myself a concussion. FML

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By Cooky - 14/3/2010 09:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By college kid - 31/7/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By fml - 27/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By crimsoncon - 25/11/2011 10:24

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By mario - 2/3/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

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By ballerphilip23 - 15/5/2009 17:11 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

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By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 18:57 - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By Sam - 27/8/2020 23:02 - Canada

Love hurts

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition where blood vessels in my brain spasm just before orgasm, resulting in me getting a wicked migraine that lasts for days. The only cure? No more orgasms. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

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By criminal tit offender - 31/8/2013 16:25 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

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By Grounded - 5/9/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother offered to pay for my tickets to go see my girlfriend who I haven't seen for 6 months. She was happy to pay for the £130 flight, but then refused half way through the purchase because she wasn't going to "let the buggers charge £13 extra" for using her credit card. FML

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By llmd - 10/8/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

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By stinky - 24/1/2012 08:15 - United States

Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML

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By Adoptee - 22/5/2011 23:09 - United Kingdom

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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By SugarCoat - 8/6/2017 18:00

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

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By Ldp56 - 25/2/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

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By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2014 15:23 - Australia

Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML

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By pgmonster - 21/5/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I backed into an expensive SUV only minutes after my boss congratulated me for being the only employee to not wreck a company car. FML

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Top comments

By me5 | 0

#758718 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:17

The state of ilinois never lies!! Go back to your grave!

By sucks2_beyou | 0

#758710 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

haha well maybe since ur dead u wont have to pay taxes! :)

COMMENTS

By ducigfran | 0

#758697 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:08

This comment FTW!

Reply

fatvader64 | 5

#1274371 - Friday 20 August 2010 7:32

hahaha wow country fail!!

By FMLoverAgain | 7

#758700 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jasonsaied | 1

#918232 - Saturday 6 March 2010 6:20

lol

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1770484 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 1:08

win

Reply

ric4rolz | 0

#3506409 - Saturday 29 October 2011 1:23

Are you retarded?

Reply

pinky94 | 5

#4811717 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 7:11

I'd have to say yes plus mental :P

Reply

HollyDolly660 | 8

#5128856 - Thursday 8 November 2012 23:56

Pretty sure it was a joke...?

Reply

bluerhhajfk | 17

#5371959 - Sunday 17 February 2013 21:00

It's a funny joke, asshole.

By sucks2_beyou | 0

#758710 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

haha well maybe since ur dead u wont have to pay taxes! :)

Reply

fuckmrsoftee | 0

#2016361 - Friday 28 January 2011 13:52

that's awesome. and she could haunt people just by showing her death certificate... she gets to be an official ghost now. I would write a novel on that

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5921216 - Monday 21 April 2014 11:18

OP is a male.

By JIY537 | 0

#758717 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:16

WTF how'd that happen

By me5 | 0

#758718 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:17

The state of ilinois never lies!! Go back to your grave!

Reply

what_the_fail | 0

#790258 - Friday 22 January 2010 5:53

Lmfao #6 win

Reply

brianjman14 | 22

#833429 - Monday 8 February 2010 4:43

lmao that was hilarious #6

Reply

mayumm | 0

#1084532 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 13:33

hahahaha :)

By vendretta | 19

#758719 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:18

Happened where I work. Little girl came to get her scrips filled (I'd say about 13) and her insurance had her down as being dead. Even when we called, they wouldn't fix it. Country is ridiculous.

Reply

newlove_fml | 0

#3912302 - Friday 20 January 2012 4:39

How does that even happen? And why wouldn't they fix it?

Reply

MoodyBlue320 | 11

#4306929 - Sunday 15 April 2012 6:54

How do things like that even happen? ????

By acesarge | 0

#758727 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:24

ZOMBIE!

Reply

futbollova | 0

#1758067 - Saturday 27 November 2010 7:32

I've got my longshot stocked with 16,304,000 darts!!!!

Reply

monkji10 | 0

#2616671 - Saturday 4 June 2011 6:16

f**k nerf i got the twelve gage at the ready!!!!

Reply

mibs3 | 11

#4643454 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:38

ive got 3 nerf maverics and two vulcan ebf 25s

Reply

swag2314 | 0

#4650822 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 23:52

Bath salts?

By clusterfungus | 3

#758732 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:27

Score! Go rob a bank!

Reply

baysidegurl | 0

#3020152 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:09

hahaha :)

Reply

pinky94 | 5

#4811697 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 7:06

Why not a jewelry store? >:3

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#5057996 - Friday 19 October 2012 4:00

188 - Because banks carry more money.

Reply

holly_fly | 34

#6575965 - Thursday 7 April 2016 20:48

Not if you sell the jewelry.

By onnielief | 4

#758736 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:29

2nd person presumable dead, and all that in 1 day. Calling fake on this one as well.

Reply

newsgit | 0

#758804 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 21:16

it's a world wide website, buddy. Things happen.

Reply

yeezuschrist420 | 11

#7658117 - Saturday 7 July 2018 22:07

You don’t even know shit

By readersssssss | 0

#758763 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 20:45

You don't have the same insurance than my grandfather...they called him to ask "Are you still alive ?"
But, yes, FML

Reply

jutyjaty | 9

#3125810 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 14:35

L

F

Reply

SimpleMinds_fml | 7

#3444186 - Monday 17 October 2011 8:59

Haha, they have done that to people in my family too