Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an... - FML

By aligator1009 - 9/5/2012 04:54 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Vultures

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 26/1/2016 22:22 - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By imustbegay - 9/5/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

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By jsyn - 9/11/2013 23:27 - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

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By ILoveFML - 29/8/2010 14:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready..." He then looked at me and said, "maybe you should." FML

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By loveurlifejk - 28/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2013 15:20 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my little sister was playing with her building blocks. All of a sudden, she began to cry and held her finger out to me. Assuming she had hurt it, I kissed it better, and tasted something odd on my lips. Turns out she wasn't hurt, she was crying because she had touched cat vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2015 00:45 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

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By Rebecca - 13/6/2012 23:50 - Australia - Dural

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

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By Reaper - 22/2/2009 10:01 - South Africa

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By NotThatButton - 11/9/2015 01:59 - United States - Missoula

Today, I accidentally deleted my landlord's pictures of his child's graduation, girlfriend, daughter and vacation when he asked me to delete a video off his phone. FML

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By ihatelife - 14/5/2011 23:17 - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

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By Dinger1992 - 23/10/2012 13:19 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By Trainwreck - 13/12/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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By Raaar - 26/8/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML

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By unknown - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By dangerousknitter - 8/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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By Catois - 5/3/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 04:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By Ouch - 12/8/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 11:08 - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By Vic - 11/7/2011 09:00 - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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By climber - 21/4/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

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By Fox - 25/2/2013 03:41 - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By Imagino1234 - 14/12/2016 18:52 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

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By Rescheduled - 28/5/2016 08:44 - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

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By unknown - 27/2/2012 17:42 - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

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By Luke - 5/8/2010 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2017 08:28

Salad days

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

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By RKE - 5/11/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 16:58 - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By flying13 - 3/11/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

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By waterballoons - 27/7/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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By thismustbewhyivestrivedtobesmart - 15/11/2016 18:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

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By DanTheMan - 21/10/2014 02:29

Today, my sister ended her long and extremely annoying crush on Justin Bieber. I can only hope one day my girlfriend will end hers too. FML

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Top comments

By Lifes_a_bust | 0

#4411738 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:12

A pillow for a leg, that's handy.

By immaMonsta | 8

#4411731 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:10

Well why were you staring for so long? It's rude to stare.

COMMENTS

By immaMonsta | 8

#4411731 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:10

Well why were you staring for so long? It's rude to stare.

Reply

xleanne_aLly | 23

#4411798 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:36

I-I-I work out! I'm sexy and I know it.
*Puts on sunglasses*

Reply

instnt1nfction | 16

#4411831 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:55

*takes off your glasses and breaks them*
You are inside your house, you don't need glasses. Unless the glasses are for enhancing your vision.

Reply

xleanne_aLly | 23

#4411870 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:12

Why yes. I'm pretty blind without them... you ass. Those were expensive.

Reply

p3mguin | 7

#4411888 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:22

It's okay you can buy a penguin off me for a low price ooooofooooooffff. 19.99 plus shipping and handling

Reply

geerod22 | 5

#4411910 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:46

Its gettin' hot out here, so take off all your legs!

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4412492 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 18:32

You don't have to stare, it only takes a second for that kind of image to burn your retina's forever.

Reply

geerod22 | 5

#4413103 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 22:16

I was caught between my previous comment and "I'm too sexy for my leg..."

Reply

akg98 | 13

#4415545 - Thursday 10 May 2012 5:16

Poor leg, on tht creepy man...

By vanillacocoa | 6

#4411736 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:12

At least you now know what kind of "stuff" you don't like. Practice for the future :))

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4412190 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:54

Very true! That's the best way to see what you like and don't like!

Reply

TheDrudgeChild | 4

#4412278 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 17:33

I'd just like to know why OP had to say "stuff". I mean really, is genitals too taboo of a word?

By Lifes_a_bust | 0

#4411738 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:12

A pillow for a leg, that's handy.

Reply

lopsop | 12

#4411806 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:40

I might have to get me one of those

Reply

yaya1213 | 6

#4411884 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:18

You mean a leg as a pillow* if it was a pillow as a leg he wouldn't be able to walk properly he would just fumble and fall

Reply

b00kn3rd | 14

#4411896 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:30

Well if it was a pillow for a leg he'd have an assured spot in the LOPWSACBP*. ......They're working on the acronym.

*League Of Pirates With Soft And Cuddly Body Parts

Reply

CptZoe | 10

#4412037 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 15:36

I'd say it was more leggy than handy! Badum tshhh!! Thank you, thank you. I'm here till Thursday.

By apache316 | 6

#4411740 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:12

Hmm I guess you gotta tan those hard to reach places

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4411869 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:11

He's got to stay fresh for the ladies. (;

Reply

therealslim | 15

#4412315 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 17:48

There's a reason those we refer to those places as 'where the sun don't shine'

By raauul_4 | 5

#4411748 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:14

You might wanna go to therapy.

Reply

auzz1_pride | 9

#4411991 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 15:02

Yes he would wanna go to therapy for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, sorry OP from this commenters knowledge of you it looks like not all the therapists In the world can save you now.

By ChickInGreenVans | 12

#4411749 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:14

*Dead and buried!! from laughter.. Ahem!! best FML thus far today!!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4411751 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:15

That is THE way to carry stuff. Imma go cut my leg off and get this unique prosthetic leg.

Reply

summy15423 | 12

#4412064 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 15:50

He probably lost it in war or something. That's just something you don't joke about. You should be happy for how fortunate you are.

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4412095 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:03

Yeah, I didn't really put much effort into the comment. But you're right, I'm sorry.

Reply

therealslim | 15

#4412322 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 17:51

Skooms. I expected better from you.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4413414 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 23:17

Time-out for you young lady!

Reply

hahayourafag | 0

#4422341 - Saturday 12 May 2012 1:32

It actually is something to joke about. :D

By ambowew | 7

#4411753 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:16

For some stupid reason I was picturing the huge black tank from White Chicks.

Forget the peg leg, forget the lack of clothes.

There was a beach and a seedy man so that leads to an evening of white chocolate that he doesn't want to melt.

Reply

OffToTheGayBar | 9

#4416570 - Thursday 10 May 2012 13:49

I have the sudden urge to acquire a whistle and glow sticks. Dance floor, here I come.

Reply

sknabc123 | 8

#4416887 - Thursday 10 May 2012 16:13

Asta la vista Schwartz a nigro, is what she replied with xD

By ycrem0n | 20

#4411755 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:18

That image will visit your mind.... always...

Reply

PROdigy81 | 4

#4411874 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 13:15

Combined with our profile pic, that comment creeps me the fuck out

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4411761 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 12:20

Rub sand in your eyes, Homer Simpson style!

Reply

PrincessPesa | 20

#4412215 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 17:09

When all else fails, use cartoon logic. I just dropped an anvil on my arch nemesis yesterday. He's sure to be posting an FML about it soon.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4416202 - Thursday 10 May 2012 10:46

I don't know why I got thumbed down and you didn't. Sorry guys! :(