Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over... - FML

By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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Serious times

Alternative medicine is bull

Bad news

By grossed out - 25/3/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By kalazoo21 - 25/8/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

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By "Tarun Kumar" - 3/12/2019 14:00

Her plan!

Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML

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By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By PissedOff - 26/1/2017 14:25

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By anonymous - 8/9/2015 12:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 02:32 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

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By anonymous - 21/3/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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By concernedsis - 4/2/2016 14:53 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - 1/5/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

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By OpenSesame - 9/5/2020 05:00

Portal

Today, at Walmart, I unknowingly chose the only non-automatic door to exit through. I stood in front of the door looking for the motion sensor while the greeters laughed at me for at least half a minute before I saw the "PUSH" sticker. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 09:19 - United States

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By ohai95 - 8/8/2012 00:11 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

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By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

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By onlyjuggalos - 31/1/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By Rotarius - 23/8/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By Andiii - 26/7/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I got a surprise call from LA Fitness saying I've been signed up for a two week pass. It's from my boyfriend. Didn't see this one coming. FML

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By lee - 22/8/2010 07:24 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By TooNoisy4Me - 4/7/2016 09:46 - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 21:38 - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

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By a tad whipped - 28/4/2013 20:44 - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By BloodyMarry - 4/6/2013 17:53 - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

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By Ted - 6/6/2019 18:00

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

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By 1234 - 22/6/2015 11:26 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

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By ADT - 9/2/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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By sammy18f - 24/2/2015 03:46 - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I went to pour myself a cup of coffee and noticed our kittens were playing in the living room. Transfixed by the cuteness, I didn't notice I started pouring hot coffee on my hand and foot. FML

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By B-377 - 23/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

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By dripdripdrop - 26/1/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

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By giantsfan2010 - 23/9/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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By skinnybitch - 8/9/2019 14:00

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By jojo - 6/5/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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Top comments

By daarlingdamsel | 0

#416110 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 15:23

If I were you I would keep that kind of stupidity to myself...just a thought.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#415857 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:14

You act like you've never had crabs before.

COMMENTS

By lottofee | 0

#415826 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:06

hahahahhahaha this made me laugh. not realy fyl, but its funny.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#416429 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:23

it's fake.

Reply

seb12992 | 0

#417092 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 21:54

First, to the OP, YDI.

To number 25, I don't see why you'd think it's fake. I've seen stuff like this happen before, and 99.9% of the time it's a woman.

Reply

Enoch134 | 0

#814592 - Monday 1 February 2010 5:00

my cuzin was terrified of his shadow for 6 years!!!!

By zymn | 6

#415827 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:06

why would you even do that? what dangerous things are there that are black in obviously shallow water?

Reply

Spyingcheeseman | 8

#6194813 - Friday 6 February 2015 20:11

Idk. Big crabs maybe

Reply

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6245283 - Saturday 28 March 2015 0:14

Her username is thalasophobic. I also have that phobia.

Reply

pheonixfire13 | 17

#6567365 - Friday 25 March 2016 22:33

Stingrays or sharks?

By gorguz14evar | 0

#415843 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:10

There are so many FMLS about this, yet so many stupid people in the world do this like me. I thought I was being stalked once. It was my shadow. FAIL.

By codyxfail | 0

#415844 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:11

I knew she was a woman right when I read it.

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#415956 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 13:34

yeah coz guys scream when they see crabs, well done

Reply

#2312029 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:11

stfu you fruit

Reply

LaRee | 0

#2506012 - Saturday 14 May 2011 3:50

wow. youre a dick.

Reply

katiemarie62996 | 4

#5295893 - Sunday 30 December 2013 16:31

sexist cocksucker...

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6126155 - Sunday 23 November 2014 17:00

Suck my female dick!

By fnool | 0

#415851 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:12

Silly paranoia. Nice username, though.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#415857 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:14

You act like you've never had crabs before.

By kellbelle26 | 0

#415861 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:15

Not an FML, but it's kinda funny. Who's been letting the shitty stories in lately?

By gamerdude94 | 0

#415878 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:19

That sounds like something I would do...

By WonderBlunder | 0

#415895 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:36

Why would you be scared of a crab if you're a girl? you don't have a wiener to worry about!! And I know crabs can't resist clamping wieners!! >:

By _Noon_ | 0

#415917 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 13:01

This one is boring. Not an FML, hardly funny. Next.

Reply

womanjesus | 0

#2312036 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:13

if it's not funny don't comment retard