Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over... - FML

By Thalassophobic - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dangling modifier

Summertime sadness

By yourwifelovesme

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By Erin - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

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By why me

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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By embarrassed - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By vballqt201 - United States

Today, I was asking my one year old nephew what noises certain animals make. I decided to trick him and ask him what sound I make. He immediately says, "MOOOO". FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By e11ie - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Matt - United Kingdom - London

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

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By 3 More Months - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Goody2shoes - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By InfamousLastWord - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

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By owch - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By fionna_fiamma - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By Carrie_Chaos - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

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By suhleedah18 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

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By westwoodcosmo - United States - Mesa

Today, I took a swig of my Dr Pepper while having a meeting with my manager. As soon as I was about to swallow, I began coughing, and spat a whole mouthful all over her face. FML

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By bully slayer - Philippines - Pasay City

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

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By sparkrok - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By JLoRd - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By karmavictim

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

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By Ohshit - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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By No.Life. - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By Brokebitch2017

Today, I finally got my phone and internet services reinstated after a billing mishap. During the week that I was without service, I had 3 requests for interviews and a position offer. None of those opportunities are still available. FML

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By highlydisgusted - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By sadmama

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

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By Jill - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

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By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

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By Again - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

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By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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Top comments

By daarlingdamsel | 0

#416110 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 15:23

If I were you I would keep that kind of stupidity to myself...just a thought.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#415857 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:14

You act like you've never had crabs before.

COMMENTS

By lottofee | 0

#415826 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:06

hahahahhahaha this made me laugh. not realy fyl, but its funny.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#416429 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:23

it's fake.

Reply

seb12992 | 0

#417092 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 21:54

First, to the OP, YDI.

To number 25, I don't see why you'd think it's fake. I've seen stuff like this happen before, and 99.9% of the time it's a woman.

Reply

Enoch134 | 0

#814592 - Monday 1 February 2010 5:00

my cuzin was terrified of his shadow for 6 years!!!!

By zymn | 6

#415827 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:06

why would you even do that? what dangerous things are there that are black in obviously shallow water?

Reply

Spyingcheeseman | 8

#6194813 - Friday 6 February 2015 20:11

Idk. Big crabs maybe

Reply

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6245283 - Saturday 28 March 2015 0:14

Her username is thalasophobic. I also have that phobia.

Reply

pheonixfire13 | 17

#6567365 - Friday 25 March 2016 22:33

Stingrays or sharks?

By gorguz14evar | 0

#415843 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:10

There are so many FMLS about this, yet so many stupid people in the world do this like me. I thought I was being stalked once. It was my shadow. FAIL.

By codyxfail | 0

#415844 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:11

I knew she was a woman right when I read it.

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#415956 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 13:34

yeah coz guys scream when they see crabs, well done

Reply

womanjesus | 0

#2312029 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:11

stfu you fruit

Reply

LaRee | 0

#2506012 - Saturday 14 May 2011 3:50

wow. youre a dick.

Reply

katiemarie62996 | 4

#5295893 - Sunday 30 December 2012 16:31

sexist cocksucker...

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6126155 - Sunday 23 November 2014 17:00

Suck my female dick!

By fnool | 0

#415851 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:12

Silly paranoia. Nice username, though.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#415857 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:14

You act like you've never had crabs before.

By kellbelle26 | 0

#415861 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:15

Not an FML, but it's kinda funny. Who's been letting the shitty stories in lately?

By gamerdude94 | 0

#415878 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:19

That sounds like something I would do...

By WonderBlunder | 0

#415895 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 12:36

Why would you be scared of a crab if you're a girl? you don't have a wiener to worry about!! And I know crabs can't resist clamping wieners!! >:

By _Noon_ | 0

#415917 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 13:01

This one is boring. Not an FML, hardly funny. Next.

Reply

womanjesus | 0

#2312036 - Friday 8 April 2011 3:13

if it's not funny don't comment retard