Love: Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend....

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

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Love

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

No, it's not a cult, not at all

Hush

By carpusher - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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By medosin - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

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By kringr - United States

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

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By sadface - France

Today, I found out that I'm not actually pregnant. I've apparently been having a hysterical pregnancy because I want a child so badly. I don't know which was worse, the look of relief on my husband's face or having to send a mass email to inform my family and friends. FML

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By Ahhwtf - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

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By Rawr - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

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By worstaunty - United States - Boca Raton

That'll do

Today, I had to pick my 2 year-old nephew up from day care for the first time. When the lady asked me who I was there to pick up, I realized I didn't know his actual name because we all call him "Bebe." FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

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By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 02:00 - United States - Bronx

More faces than Khloé Kardashian

Today, my mom told me she'd scheduled me for a cleaning with my hometown dentist. When I reminded her that, according to my university's COVID guidelines, students shouldn't leave the county unless there's an emergency, she threw a hissy fit and told me I'm being "combative" and "looking for an excuse to fight." FML

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By SayItToMyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

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By yayaimannoying - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By Fmylife.25 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camarillo

Rubbing one out on the sly

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By thisguy - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By peallow - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

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By animallover - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By somebodyelse - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, then he said, "Let's pretend you're someone else." FML

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By Lentil - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

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By Fuzy - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By stdfree_hopefully

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told me he wasn't really into me and asked to be friends. Then, he apologised because he has herpes. FML

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By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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By migsman - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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By Kate

Today, my 5-year-old cousin came over. We were on the trampoline in my backyard when he fell off and started crying and screaming. While I was trying to comfort him, my mom came out yelling at me for "pushing him off the trampoline" and grounded me for a month. FML

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By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By katelynm - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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By thanks dad - 1/8/2020 02:02

In my day…

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

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By ShiriSarah - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

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By Anon - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

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By stpdaziandude - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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Top comments

By allyrn13 | 12

#4642054 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:56

Double check your calendar next time.

By nanny1010 | 12

#4642065 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:59

At least he knows you are really excited to see him :-)

COMMENTS

By allyrn13 | 12

#4642054 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:56

Double check your calendar next time.

Qandol | 26

#4642123 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:07

Sometimes we do forget things, such as date, time, when we are in excitement mood. So thats what may happened to OP.

beanybabe | 13

#4642128 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:09

hahaha aw op you must be gutted but hey, only 7 more days to wait

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4642138 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:10

Unless it was in the calendar wrong which is how she wound up early. I've done that before.

doctorhook86 | 24

#4642218 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:25

If your calendar is wrong, it's an honest mistake... but still your own fault.

FurryPride | 9

#4643417 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:29

Watch it be some creep.

shift_love | 13

#4643449 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:37

At least you weren't a week late

bertman21 | 5

#4643550 - Monday 2 July 2012 23:14

Hey could have been worse he could have gotten off the plane with his new girlfriend

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#4643581 - Monday 2 July 2012 23:29

#87 - That's exactly where I thought this FML was headed. :P

iLOLatURpain69 | 7

#4643864 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 1:18

You wouldn't check with him to find if he was leaving? YDI, for being stupid. Shouldn't be that hard to figure out what day the plane lands.

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4644936 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 7:00

Geez, calm down. She was eager to see her Long Distance boyfriend, not legally stupid as hell. Mistakes happen.

By eoko | 12

#4642061 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:59

Oops.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4642659 - Monday 2 July 2012 21:25

I did it again.

allard | 14

#4643497 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:51

You played with my heart.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4643538 - Monday 2 July 2012 23:07

I shaved my head!

PeeblesWiggins | 0

#4643637 - Monday 2 July 2012 23:54

I shrunk the kids again!

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4643644 - Monday 2 July 2012 23:56

You killed it.

Damn you.

hecallsmedarlin | 7

#4643907 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 1:50

Oh baby, baby..

By stephan18 | 23

#4642063 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:59

Stuff happens, no big deal, the wait will be worth it I bet.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4643369 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:14

Waiting is normally the most exciting part because you know it'll be awesome when it finally happens.

Rommel1942 | 9

#4643697 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 0:13

Ya, I'm in a long distance relationship too. Seeing my gf in december. Haven't seen her besides Skype in 1.5 years. So stoked for it, it's totally worth the wait

brownov6969 | 4

#4643823 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 0:59

Fucking pussy

brownov6969 | 4

#4643832 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 1:02

Soft as baby shit you pussy

SOD_sonofdixie | 5

#4649286 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 16:56

Yea I've been dating a girl for 8 months and I'm about to move so were about to have to go through all this so say a prayer for us please.

By nanny1010 | 12

#4642065 - Monday 2 July 2012 18:59

At least he knows you are really excited to see him :-)

nanny1010 | 12

#4642692 - Monday 2 July 2012 21:36

Agreed! I would have been talking with him before hand to confirm, but I guess she was just so excited she didn't think about it. I've done stuff like this too though. It happens to the best of us.

daminantion | 14

#4643507 - Monday 2 July 2012 22:56

I wasn't aware people can use cell phones when on an airplane, I thought Airplane mode was made for such occasions.. Lest I'm over thinking it

MustangGirl72 | 9

#4643859 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 1:16

83: you can text and call before you get on the plane

MDTeddy | 13

#4644741 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 5:53

And so can Op.

By MrRayBans | 8

#4642074 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:01

Next time double check your email so you don't waste your time. Time=money. So technically you wasted money as well.

stephan18 | 23

#4642083 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:02

What's money got to do with her being there for her boyfriend?..! If she went to pick him up, she probably wasn't working and had free time.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4642225 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:27

The only thing I can get from the money thing is wasted gasoline. But no that comment didn't really make sense

MidnaLink | 32

#4642374 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:53

22 thats the same thought I had

CyborgBanana | 12

#4642439 - Monday 2 July 2012 20:11

We also don't capitalize the first letter of every word in a sentence in the 21st century. Welcome.

mishaparis | 7

#4642558 - Monday 2 July 2012 20:33

How is that a habit? Isn't it annoying to press shift every word you write?

By dav3800 | 7

#4642078 - Monday 2 July 2012 19:01

Well... being early is a good thing in life.

TarieBoo | 2

#4642649 - Monday 2 July 2012 21:19

gosh...i dont know what it is...but a sex joke can be made out of that^ comment

GuessWhatKids | 13

#4644620 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 5:15

Having a child early isn't a good thing...
Busting a nut a minute in isn't a good thing...
Dying early isn't a good thing...
Your comment doesn't make sense.