Miscellaneous: Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I... - FML

By mm - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

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Kids and their wacky crazes

Blabbermouth

PSA

By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By ArsonistsLullaby - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

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By Delicious - New Zealand

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML

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By please knock - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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By 1suckatL1fe - United States

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

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By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

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By whymanwhy - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

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By brebre101 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

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By stepsister - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buford

Today, on Facebook, I mentioned that I'd just finished reading the novel Pet Sematary. Two hours later, I'd lost two friends and my boyfriend, after they commented "learn to spell, dumbass", "u illiterate fucker", and "well, I'm not dating you for your brains, am I?" I hate humanity. FML

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By leahkasscar

Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, the gas company came to connect our stove for free. While here, they broke our hot water heater, shut it off, and issued us a hazard notice. We can fix it, but they won't be able to come back for another two weeks to turn the gas back on. We don't have any hot water until then. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

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By Juanald

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

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By bridezilla - Canada

Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By notgoodenough

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

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By Belle - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML

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By funy_hunie - United States - Anchorage

Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

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By johnsj8

Today, I was moving to the city with all my belongings when the trailer came unhitched, breaking the chains on my dad's homemade trailer. I then watched as the trailer narrowly missed a guardrail, went down a hill and into a river. My dad still won't admit he didn't latch the hitch. FML

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By onwardsandupwards

Need help

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

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By It's Something - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By steven - United States - Orinda

Today, I took an IQ test and ended up scoring above average. Feeling good about myself, I decided to bake some cookies. After 30 minutes of them not doing anything in the oven, I realized I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

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Top comments

By zinoxity | 23

#5142861 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:08

Did you catch the guy's facial expression when you finally realized this?

By beth_ebdon | 6

#5142869 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:10

Why didnt he say anything...

COMMENTS

By zinoxity | 23

#5142861 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:08

Did you catch the guy's facial expression when you finally realized this?

Reply

damn_homie | 2

#5142910 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:14

I wish I could've seen the expression on his face. That would've been hilarious.

Reply

itsharkley | 8

#5143014 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5143058 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:43

Poor man getting his popcorn stolen, movie theaters rob you for like $8 per bag of popcorn!

Reply

decidedlyvague | 11

#5143467 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 1:17

He probably enjoyed it :P.

Reply

bandofsand | 10

#5143689 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 2:23

Maybe there was a hole in the bag.

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#5143966 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 4:04

If he let her eat it for half the movie he must not have cared. It would've been funny to see though

Reply

ProfessionalTrol_fml | 14

#5143984 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 4:10

Um, I'm pretty sure it's more of an FML for the guy sitting next to OP...

Reply

abu4u | 26

#5144387 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 11:58

Well erm that must be awkward lol

Reply

guy24 | 9

#5155674 - Friday 16 November 2012 19:24

Yay you spelled realized correctly... Z not an s

By trulymickeyj | 13

#5142863 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:08

That's so awkward. Your life sucks, lol!

Reply

FYLminesGREAT | 5

#5142920 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:14

Your comment sucks, lol!

Reply

bigtaytay | 13

#5143096 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:52

It's hilarious when you're stoned

By beth_ebdon | 6

#5142869 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:10

Why didnt he say anything...

Reply

SurfSnowSkate7 | 7

#5142986 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:22

Maybe she was attractive and made him nervous.

Reply

DerrickJames | 33

#5143003 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:25

It shouldn't be hard to believe that we have nice people in the world.

Reply

etchsanity1 | 11

#5143200 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 0:23

There was a hole in the tub ... Thankfully you didn't make it that far

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5143599 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 1:56

Perhaps she did...

Reply

lukemack | 4

#5143647 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 2:09

He probably thought she was hitting on him and it was going to be his lucky day.

Reply

Tay_racer10 | 3

#5144065 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 5:06

You would just let someone take your $10 popcorn!?

Reply

jackien1 | 6

#5144342 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 10:15

I would have just moved my popcorn away if I didn't want to talk to OP

By Aspen_Grace33 | 27

#5142875 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:11

I'm surprised he didn't pick the popcorn up and put it on the other side!

Reply

iOceanus | 18

#5143081 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:50

Maybe he was lonely and wanted a girl to share his popcorn with!

Reply

ftw487 | 9

#5143391 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 0:57

Aww thats sad

Reply

Vimy | 6

#5143802 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 2:52

What I don't understand is how OP herself didn't realize till halfway through the movie... I mean, wouldn't you be aware as to which side your friend is sitting??

By LexieWins | 0

#5142879 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:11

Well as long as he didn't mind..in which case he was creepy! Or asleep.

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5143067 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:44

Or just shy maybe?...

Reply

Purrpurrpurr | 7

#5145744 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 22:28

Or dead.

By KVKdragon | 26

#5142881 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:11

Well, if the other guy hasn't said anything yet, you can switch back to your popcorn without starting an awkward scene. Don't fret ;)

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#5144220 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 7:50

If the guy hasn't said anything yet, he's likely to not say anything at all. Finish his popcorn before smoothly switching to yours!

By Welshite | 39

#5142916 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:14

OP: Woo, popcorn AND a movie!
Innocent movie goer: Uh, that's mi...
OP: *grabs another handful*

Reply

BairaiF | 0

#5142949 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:17

Some people just shouldnt comment, youre one of them

Reply

chickenflem | 8

#5142963 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:19

Actually I found his comment pretty funny. Yours on the other hand was not called for.

Reply

JudgeTroll | 6

#5142970 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:19

And you're another 14

Reply

KVKdragon | 26

#5142972 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:20

Who are you to say that? He's not a troll or a flame war starter. His comment was funny to me. Leave him alone >:(

Reply

happyllama12 | 5

#5143891 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 3:33

Innocent movie goer: uhmm
OP: shhh I'm trying to watch the movie
*grabs another handful yet again*

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5144122 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 5:56

Innocent movie goer: excuse me bu......
Op: seriously be quiet it's a good movie
*grabs yet another handful and takes a drink of his soda*

By CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5142923 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:15

Hey he didn't complain so I'd say it was free game. I bet it was pretty awkward when you realized that though. Haha. Maybe he thought you were cute? I'd let a cute girl eat my popcorn too.

By danial1214 | 21

#5142940 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:16

I would have given you the evil eye if that was my popcorn you were eating

By byRose | 7

#5142942 - Monday 12 November 2012 23:16

The guy is like, "She's taking my popcorn, she wants the D."

Reply

HentaiBunny | 4

#5143205 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 0:24

Lol that's what I was gonna write! Good thing I checked first.