Animals: Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer.... - FML

09/09/2015 07:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 645

You deserved it 2 293

Batman

The smell detective is on the case

Empathy lives

24/03/2012 05:30 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 982

You deserved it 12 251

14/05/2015 12:42 - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 140

You deserved it 8 095

28/04/2013 05:23 - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 500

You deserved it 3 413

17/05/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 992

You deserved it 5 145

26/02/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 367

You deserved it 4 676

29/04/2013 16:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 717

You deserved it 13 306

29/05/2019 14:00

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 248

09/04/2017 22:00

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 109

You deserved it 349

21/02/2017 09:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 680

You deserved it 718

Make your mind up

By Jason Brazil - 13/08/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 780

You deserved it 414

Thanks

By badeats - 22/06/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 532

You deserved it 9 279

20/10/2018 12:00

Today, I woke up with greasy hair, despite taking a shower last night. After washing my hair several times and it not going away, I realized that yesterday I put aerosol deodorant in my hair instead of hairspray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 235

You deserved it 1 215

30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 481

You deserved it 3 920

09/06/2013 05:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife decided to check her email, while I was still inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 179

You deserved it 13 132

03/05/2016 16:52 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 577

You deserved it 2 102

20/01/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 369

You deserved it 15 791

27/01/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 880

You deserved it 39 376

04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 631

You deserved it 41 341

Killing in the name of

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 02:00

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 373

12/09/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 624

You deserved it 271

17/12/2012 12:25 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 555

You deserved it 4 710

Question Time

By embarrassed - 03/01/2010 06:53 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 365

You deserved it 2 784

Poor odds

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 02:01 - Saint Lucia - Castries

Spicy

Today, I looked into my fiance's Twitter to see he follows tons of "nipslips" and adult/porn pages, even though we've had numerous fights with him making excuses as to how/why I've been "misunderstanding" past issues. At this point I've pretty much bet my life on this guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 782

07/11/2012 05:11 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 893

You deserved it 7 424

09/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 917

You deserved it 252

19/01/2014 23:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 782

You deserved it 8 098

07/08/2013 20:55 - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 017

You deserved it 5 667

11/06/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 196

You deserved it 7 291

10/04/2016 04:20 - United States - Hanford

Spicy

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 358

You deserved it 39 819

15/09/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 549

You deserved it 406

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

By CoronaDating - 23/03/2020 23:10

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 427

12/02/2019 02:00

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 281

You deserved it 572

20/05/2009 00:51 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 300

You deserved it 106 593

01/02/2011 02:39 - United States

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 506

You deserved it 7 167

20/09/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Spicy

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 625

You deserved it 3 710

03/03/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 274

You deserved it 11 480

06/03/2012 20:41 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 334

You deserved it 36 314

22/08/2011 11:04 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 515

You deserved it 2 380

Taste test

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 12:28 - United States - Berkeley

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 524

You deserved it 6 579

18/03/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 431

You deserved it 3 518

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57

Did it ask you to Slytherin?

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57

That'ssss pretty ssscary, OP.

Comments

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:55

Beware the lint snakes!

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:06

It was an actual snake.

cynthianicole95 9

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:38

#10 No way, really?

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 22:50

I did understand that, thanks for clarifying.

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 23:32

Do lint snakes hunt dust bunnies?

venomousflower 24

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Thursday 10 September 2015 1:41

Ainsley Harriott! ??

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Thursday 10 September 2015 6:34

I feel u bro, i opened my bathroom after moving into a new apt after a week. It was in the bathroom so I almost had to piss my own pants till animal control came thru. That shit fucks with me till this day every time I walk in the bathroom.

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Wednesday 20 January 2016 12:10

Nope rope!!!

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:55

Did it bite you?? 0: 0:

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Thursday 10 September 2015 8:49

Based on OP's name for the FML, the snake might've actually been left dead by one of her dogs. Hopefully that was the case, and no bites!

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:56

Maybe you should get that sorted out... Fyl op.

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57

That'ssss pretty ssscary, OP.

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Thursday 10 September 2015 8:12

this from the snakes point of view? lol

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57

Did it ask you to Slytherin?

giantsfan2010 23

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57

Hopefully it wasn't poisonous! I had a customer at work bring a snake with her and she let me touch it, snake skin feels awesome!

SilverZephyr 20

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:01

Venomous*

MandieL 27

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:20

If it bites you and you get sick, it's venomous. If you bite it and get sick, it's poisonous. :)

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 21:46

If it bites you and it gets sick, you're Chuck Norris.

madeline9322 17

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Thursday 10 September 2015 0:13

If it bites you and it gets sick, you're poisonous.

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Thursday 10 September 2015 4:02

If it bites you and nothing happens, it's kinky.

Sansational_ 18

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Tuesday 29 March 2016 22:15

If you bite it and it bites you, that's karma.

MisterKnowItAll 15

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:00

There's a snake in my boot.

interesting33 36

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:01

So surprised this wasn't in Australia!

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:02

Was it a trouser snake?

writerchic85 25

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Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:08

Cool. Free snake!

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 45

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 359

You deserved it 111