By StillLoveMyDogs - United States - San Francisco Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML I agree, your life sucks 26627 You deserved it 2290 80 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML I agree, your life sucks 41568 You deserved it 4225 60 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By pissed off - United States - Brentwood Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML I agree, your life sucks 43622 You deserved it 14904 106 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Helmet - United States Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML I agree, your life sucks 22015 You deserved it 8959 53 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Louisville Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML I agree, your life sucks 35815 You deserved it 4031 92 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Ihatecleaning Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML I agree, your life sucks 7193 You deserved it 527 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By burgerpants - United States - Stamford Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML I agree, your life sucks 4156 You deserved it 277 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada - Whitecourt Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML I agree, your life sucks 41339 You deserved it 3008 59 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Kiki - United States - Littleton Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML I agree, your life sucks 4217 You deserved it 269 14 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML I agree, your life sucks 44867 You deserved it 3105 100 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Elle - United States Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML I agree, your life sucks 32414 You deserved it 22305 127 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Dxxk Biter Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML I agree, your life sucks 7010 You deserved it 668 23 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Stockton Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML I agree, your life sucks 45007 You deserved it 5662 46 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By alone - China Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML I agree, your life sucks 42633 You deserved it 4775 155 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Ozark Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML I agree, your life sucks 29181 You deserved it 146549 383 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Makusu420 - United States - San Francisco Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML I agree, your life sucks 20511 You deserved it 1558 54 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By mud - United States - Raleigh Slippy! Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML I agree, your life sucks 1807 You deserved it 573 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Doomy - United States Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML I agree, your life sucks 10254 You deserved it 29801 36 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Matthew - United States Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML I agree, your life sucks 29792 You deserved it 4549 126 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By mhm - Canada - Woodbridge Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML I agree, your life sucks 12491 You deserved it 37304 118 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML I agree, your life sucks 49570 You deserved it 5667 128 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Michelle - United States Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML I agree, your life sucks 30587 You deserved it 3422 60 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML I agree, your life sucks 54987 You deserved it 44663 209 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Leashaness - United States Today, my doctor informed me that the pea-sized bump under my arm is a "third breast". That is not what I meant every time I said I wanted more tits. FML I agree, your life sucks 27259 You deserved it 2739 137 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Fauna Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML I agree, your life sucks 1603 You deserved it 147 2 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By yuck - Australia - Melbourne Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML I agree, your life sucks 2543 You deserved it 222 11 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By briscoe - United States - Minneapolis Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML I agree, your life sucks 24932 You deserved it 1675 48 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By GlueAndCarrots - Canada - Markham Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML I agree, your life sucks 25043 You deserved it 1776 56 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Madridsta - United States - Rialto Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML I agree, your life sucks 43815 You deserved it 7802 101 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML I agree, your life sucks 9861 You deserved it 639 27 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By still sore Relax! Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML I agree, your life sucks 2084 You deserved it 161 18 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By shattysituation - United States Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML I agree, your life sucks 43270 You deserved it 4022 184 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By parental failure - Canada - Langley Today, I went to my daughter's room with clean laundry. I found her lying on her bed with a hand down her pants, totally zoned out and staring blankly at the Justin Bieber poster on her wall. FML I agree, your life sucks 49900 You deserved it 7466 227 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 30/1/2021 16:58 Ungrateful Today, even though I help cook and clean on a daily basis, I got called lazy and told I don't do anything around the house. I live with my parents and twin 18-year-old brothers and they all say this. FML I agree, your life sucks 660 You deserved it 81 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By LassieToe - Australia Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML I agree, your life sucks 26331 You deserved it 2811 80 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02 Noise annoys Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML I agree, your life sucks 998 You deserved it 126 2 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By lowly101 Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML I agree, your life sucks 12439 You deserved it 1449 34 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Volume_control - United States Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML I agree, your life sucks 9796 You deserved it 31090 67 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Liz - United States Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML I agree, your life sucks 14165 You deserved it 42457 156 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Tabby - United Kingdom Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML I agree, your life sucks 28482 You deserved it 3829 120 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By broken - United States - Arcata Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML I agree, your life sucks 13960 You deserved it 1062 39 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By fmlsams | 27 #6406080 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57 Did it ask you to Slytherin? Send a private message 157 2 Reply
By Rkikkas9713 | 25 #6406079 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57 That'ssss pretty ssscary, OP. Send a private message 120 5 Reply
By cedwards120 | 4 #6406074 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:55 Beware the lint snakes! Send a private message 25 35 Reply
Reply brownapple | 22 #6406094 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:06 It was an actual snake. Send a private message 27 13 Reply
Reply cynthianicole95 | 9 #6406213 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:38 #10 No way, really? Send a private message 13 19 Reply
Reply cedwards120 | 4 #6406288 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 22:50 I did understand that, thanks for clarifying. Send a private message 27 5 Reply
Reply AnOriginalName | 19 #6406314 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 23:32 Do lint snakes hunt dust bunnies? Send a private message 44 0 Reply
Reply venomousflower | 24 #6406402 - Thursday 10 September 2015 1:41 Ainsley Harriott! ?? Send a private message 2 1 Reply
Reply beararm | 11 #6406601 - Thursday 10 September 2015 6:34 I feel u bro, i opened my bathroom after moving into a new apt after a week. It was in the bathroom so I almost had to piss my own pants till animal control came thru. That shit fucks with me till this day every time I walk in the bathroom. Send a private message 1 1 Reply
Reply heroqucas | 25 #6515317 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 12:10 Nope rope!!! Send a private message 0 0 Reply
By wow_FML03 | 12 #6406075 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:55 Did it bite you?? 0: 0: Send a private message 8 17 Reply
Reply ShowMeKay | 20 #6406660 - Thursday 10 September 2015 8:49 Based on OP's name for the FML, the snake might've actually been left dead by one of her dogs. Hopefully that was the case, and no bites! Send a private message 5 1 Reply
By redrain567 | 16 #6406077 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:56 Maybe you should get that sorted out... Fyl op. Send a private message 4 16 Reply
By Rkikkas9713 | 25 #6406079 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57 That'ssss pretty ssscary, OP. Send a private message 120 5 Reply
Reply Sigilwen | 21 #6406637 - Thursday 10 September 2015 8:12 this from the snakes point of view? lol Send a private message 5 1 Reply
By fmlsams | 27 #6406080 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57 Did it ask you to Slytherin? Send a private message 157 2 Reply
By giantsfan2010 | 23 #6406081 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 18:57 Hopefully it wasn't poisonous! I had a customer at work bring a snake with her and she let me touch it, snake skin feels awesome! Send a private message 6 23 Reply
Reply SilverZephyr | 20 #6406171 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:01 Venomous* Send a private message 17 8 Reply
Reply MandieL | 27 #6406196 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 20:20 If it bites you and you get sick, it's venomous. If you bite it and get sick, it's poisonous. :) Send a private message 30 2 Reply
Reply fmlsams | 27 #6406254 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 21:46 If it bites you and it gets sick, you're Chuck Norris. Send a private message 38 0 Reply
Reply madeline9322 | 17 #6406332 - Thursday 10 September 2015 0:13 If it bites you and it gets sick, you're poisonous. Send a private message 10 2 Reply
Reply cedwards120 | 4 #6406489 - Thursday 10 September 2015 4:02 If it bites you and nothing happens, it's kinky. Send a private message 23 2 Reply
Reply Sansational_ | 18 #6570161 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 22:15 If you bite it and it bites you, that's karma. Send a private message 0 0 Reply
By MisterKnowItAll | 15 #6406084 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:00 There's a snake in my boot. Send a private message 33 0 Reply
By interesting33 | 36 #6406086 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:01 So surprised this wasn't in Australia! Send a private message 26 3 Reply
By Redoxx_fml | 22 #6406087 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:02 Was it a trouser snake? Send a private message 15 3 Reply
By writerchic85 | 25 #6406098 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 19:08 Cool. Free snake! Send a private message 21 1 Reply
Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs,... I agree, your life sucks 114 You deserved it 26 2 Comments
Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I... I agree, your life sucks 486 You deserved it 127 5 Comments