Miscellaneous: Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Never flip flop and drive

Ungrateful

By Anonymous

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

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By anon - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 20:00

Mommy's bravest little boy

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

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By well then... - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 13:58 - Germany - Bruchsal

Lookalikes

Today, my boyfriend told me that his daughter only liked me because she thought that we look like siblings. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

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By S - United States

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML

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By anonymous198913 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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By merrymary - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By weak - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

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By Roode - United States

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

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By baconbxtch - United States - Orlando

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

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By Lady_Luck - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By fml9124 - 8/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Omaha

Tricky situation

Today, my wife gave me the green light to have sex with other women. She beat the cancer, but sex for her is now painful and she wasn't really interested in sex the last 10 years anyway. So why does my life suck? Because I don't want sex with anyone else. Now she's mad at me for making her feel guilty. FML

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By Mr.Incognito-san - 19/11/2020 02:02

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML

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By baffled - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

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By Boned...hard - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

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By James - 31/1/2021 11:01

How could you forget?

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gilroy

Today, I was heading out for my flight to Australia. I'd put a padlock on my luggage to keep my wallet and passport safe, only to realize way too late that I'd left the key at home. I couldn't get at my passport and ended up missing my flight and my whole vacation along with it. FML

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By LizGo - United States - Greenville

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 08:01 - United States

Bigmouth strikes again

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Buzz - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By thanks_world - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

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By BadgerSpirit - United States

Spooky

Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Outfoxed

Today, I'm moving to the barn. Two weeks ago I bought my girlfriend the birthday gift she most wanted: two ducklings. They’re scatting everywhere but she eats, cuddles, and sleeps with them in our bed. I asked if they could go live outside and she said, "No, you can." FML

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By jonnie - 7/5/2020 02:00

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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Top comments

By SasuNaru_fml | 0

#249647 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

Dude kick his ass!
Then take his hot dog :D

By Weil | 0

#249677 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:19

How startled do you have to be to drop something? I can just picture some idiot walking along, throwing everything he's holding into the air because he was scared of a ring tone. lol.

COMMENTS

By Desertman123 | 4

#249640 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:11

Wow, tell him to stop texting you

first! sorry ive never been first at anything

Reply

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#860858 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 5:35

Hot dogs r good

By SasuNaru_fml | 0

#249647 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

Dude kick his ass!
Then take his hot dog :D

Reply

tqwen | 0

#1121717 - Thursday 22 July 2010 3:45

As guys who sent that text go, "oh shit that was me?!?!"

By itsAOK | 3

#249648 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

omg that happens to me a lot.
sorry about the laptop .. DX

Reply

mouammarkadhafi | 0

#4011566 - Thursday 9 February 2012 2:25

Really? A lot?

By HeyyyBrahhh | 0

#249652 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

That must have been a damn good hot dog.

By musigreg | 0

#249654 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

Wow, well that sucks for you,
and i don't like the hot dog guy, but i guess you kinda deserve it.
HA HA HE HE HA HA HO!

By frootloop25 | 0

#249655 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

Ughhhhh those type of things happen to me ALL the time. I would be soo pissed.

By Poocho | 0

#249659 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

Stupid friend XD You should find him and steal his hot dog

By Tim3 | 0

#249660 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

at least it still works
does it?

By kewlcat | 0

#249663 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

LOL

By thuryn | 0

#249671 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:17

YDI. Take better care of your stuff. It would be just as broken if the text had been something important. The hot dog thing just makes it funny.