Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message.... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 22:09 - United States

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46556

You deserved it

14497

Tweet

Share

Insane parents

Everyone's an expert

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Sky - 16/1/2017 22:00

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6905

You deserved it

620

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, me and my boyfriend shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walks by and tells us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looks at my boyfriend and tells him he could do so much better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70297

You deserved it

6560

Tweet

Share

By oh god why - 6/10/2019 00:01

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1599

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By crap - 2/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1452

You deserved it

577

Tweet

Share

By Santa - 12/12/2011 21:45 - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42931

You deserved it

4388

Tweet

Share

By jobless - 9/7/2014 05:02 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49427

You deserved it

3743

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 05:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35080

You deserved it

15503

Tweet

Share

By yee-whore - 18/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Waterbury

Today, I confronted my girlfriend after catching her cheating on me. After she finished crying, she had the brass balls to say she'd understand if I needed a couple of weeks to forgive her, and asked me for bus fare so she could go tell the other guy they could only be friends now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43161

You deserved it

3765

Tweet

Share

By Phill1188 - 16/9/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2905

You deserved it

182

Tweet

Share

By Alittlebitiffy - 7/11/2016 13:51 - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10107

You deserved it

694

Tweet

Share

By lalala - 22/12/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33873

You deserved it

7935

Tweet

Share

By Azure_Mist - 27/1/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35162

You deserved it

3118

Tweet

Share

By Activesleeper - 24/9/2017 11:59 - Australia - Flinders

Today, I woke up to 7 texts about the data overage charges that were accrued last night while I slept. Apparently my phone used nearly 8 GB of data, with no apps open, while I was sound asleep, leaving me with a $63 fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4033

You deserved it

400

Tweet

Share

By BoCoMoGal - 13/5/2017 04:00

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4685

You deserved it

2373

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 27/1/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52551

You deserved it

2796

Tweet

Share

By Thithien1 - 1/4/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53707

You deserved it

12600

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 12:19 - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29356

You deserved it

4286

Tweet

Share

By nicklesg - 23/6/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57255

You deserved it

14331

Tweet

Share

By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32406

You deserved it

6514

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49251

You deserved it

5030

Tweet

Share

By GrLifeusx - 8/3/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31841

You deserved it

58288

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41970

You deserved it

2973

Tweet

Share

By microlovin - 28/7/2013 07:45 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65505

You deserved it

9222

Tweet

Share

By lambxox - 8/11/2010 09:04 - United States

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10312

You deserved it

25740

Tweet

Share

By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/6/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3515

You deserved it

1430

Tweet

Share

By buttercup92 - 31/5/2016 03:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13838

You deserved it

1137

Tweet

Share

By Amber - 28/5/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25607

You deserved it

52244

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I was telling my entire cocktail party about the time I accidentally flashed my volleyball team at a pool party. While trying to demonstrate how it happened, I accidentally pulled my dress down and flashed everyone again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8717

You deserved it

45889

Tweet

Share

By bob - 11/9/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32698

You deserved it

4102

Tweet

Share

By UghCats - 6/2/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32685

You deserved it

12092

Tweet

Share

By Olive - 19/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8306

You deserved it

40489

Tweet

Share

By brittsters - 4/9/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23824

You deserved it

2899

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 13:31 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22716

You deserved it

15837

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 6/3/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

169861

You deserved it

7439

Tweet

Share

By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - 26/6/2014 11:35 - Australia - Belconnen

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47007

You deserved it

4576

Tweet

Share

By Wow - 4/9/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53789

You deserved it

3280

Tweet

Share

By whyme - 12/9/2013 14:44 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63571

You deserved it

4550

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML

I agree, your life sucks

41205

You deserved it

3019

Tweet

Share

By Jen - 20/3/2012 05:11 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34749

You deserved it

7212

Tweet

Share

By MakeMyDay_27 - 27/6/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43835

You deserved it

5601

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By SasuNaru_fml | 0

#249647 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

Dude kick his ass!
Then take his hot dog :D

By Weil | 0

#249677 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:19

How startled do you have to be to drop something? I can just picture some idiot walking along, throwing everything he's holding into the air because he was scared of a ring tone. lol.

COMMENTS

By Desertman123 | 4

#249640 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:11

Wow, tell him to stop texting you

first! sorry ive never been first at anything

Reply

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#860858 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 5:35

Hot dogs r good

By SasuNaru_fml | 0

#249647 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

Dude kick his ass!
Then take his hot dog :D

Reply

tqwen | 0

#1121717 - Thursday 22 July 2010 3:45

As guys who sent that text go, "oh shit that was me?!?!"

By itsAOK | 3

#249648 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:13

omg that happens to me a lot.
sorry about the laptop .. DX

Reply

mouammarkadhafi | 0

#4011566 - Thursday 9 February 2012 2:25

Really? A lot?

By HeyyyBrahhh | 0

#249652 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

That must have been a damn good hot dog.

By musigreg | 0

#249654 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

Wow, well that sucks for you,
and i don't like the hot dog guy, but i guess you kinda deserve it.
HA HA HE HE HA HA HO!

By frootloop25 | 0

#249655 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:14

Ughhhhh those type of things happen to me ALL the time. I would be soo pissed.

By Poocho | 0

#249659 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

Stupid friend XD You should find him and steal his hot dog

By Tim3 | 0

#249660 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

at least it still works
does it?

By kewlcat | 0

#249663 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:15

LOL

By thuryn | 0

#249671 - Monday 1 June 2009 3:17

YDI. Take better care of your stuff. It would be just as broken if the text had been something important. The hot dog thing just makes it funny.