Intimacy: Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting...

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 259

You deserved it 12 842

Intimacy

Another great day to be alive

Good kid

Sorry…

By ypsitucky - 26/07/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 599

You deserved it 3 011

By Anonymous - 05/06/2019 00:01

Today, my 5-year-old figured out that if he has a mouthful of milk and he blows really hard, he can blow the milk out of his nose like twin fire hoses. I’ve washed the carpet twice in the past day, and my house still stinks of rotten dairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 762

You deserved it 217

By Sarah - 01/01/2013 15:15 - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 019

You deserved it 5 534

By Uniforms - 29/03/2017 12:00

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 502

You deserved it 401

By Hanna - 03/04/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 524

You deserved it 4 639

Sorry for your loss

By grant - 06/03/2021 20:01

Today, I was absolutely crucified online for asking the vet’s office how much it would cost to put my dog down. She's terminally ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 77

By batman123 - 21/02/2009 02:42 - Canada

Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 049

You deserved it 3 481

By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 433

You deserved it 504

By jesus christ - 01/10/2011 02:55 - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 298

You deserved it 3 423

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 351

You deserved it 29 218

By Anonymous - 13/04/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 735

You deserved it 4 241

By DisgustingCreatures - 04/08/2016 18:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 521

You deserved it 1 141

By AnnoyedWoman - 17/08/2014 10:19 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 358

You deserved it 5 571

By No thanks - 11/12/2014 12:08 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 004

You deserved it 5 974

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 661

You deserved it 4 593

By firedofbirthday - 14/02/2010 00:29 - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 174

You deserved it 6 903

By BFH4Life - 30/11/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad announced to the whole family that we will be having a vegetarian dinner this Christmas to make my step-mum happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 832

You deserved it 5 725

By Lisaaa - 27/10/2010 11:47 - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 34 515

TW: Gross

By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 624

You deserved it 38 802

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 49 660

By anonymous - 24/06/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 623

You deserved it 5 207

Demonic

By sarcastic_centipede - 09/06/2021 06:02

Today, my mom told me to take the trash out. I started to, but then I saw that the trash can had been rolled out to the curb, so I went to my room to put on shoes. My mom apparently took this as me deciding not to take the trash out, as she not only yelled at me, but growled and hissed as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 71

Party animal

By Toto - 25/08/2021 14:01

Today, my brother was asking why I'm mad at him. Not a big deal, if we and our friends weren't now banned from a pub, all because he got shitfaced, started smoking weed and stripping off in public, even though marijuana wasn't allowed at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 73

Monster!

By lu… - 08/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 49

By Cornbreesha - 28/11/2009 07:13 - United States

Today, a mall cop tore up my 'Free hugs' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 891

You deserved it 17 276

By Ataraxia - 01/10/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 978

You deserved it 34 021

By My__life___ - 21/05/2014 00:53 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 391

You deserved it 29 135

By Dude - 21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 496

You deserved it 2 925

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

By Alexxicks - 05/03/2020 12:02

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 244

By thanks dad - 04/01/2018 19:00

Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 800

You deserved it 410

By noname - 17/02/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 613

You deserved it 32 736

By Postdotfuzz - 08/12/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 535

You deserved it 9 141

Busted

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 05:06 - United States - El Paso

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 559

You deserved it 5 747

By erockinthesuburb - 19/02/2013 01:49 - United States

Today, I purchased a box of girl scout cookies from a coworker. I wanted to save them for later at home, so I placed them on my desk and then headed to a meeting. When I returned, there was an empty box sitting there with a post-it note saying, "Thanks!" Nobody will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 345

You deserved it 6 323

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 12:13

Today, my therapist recommended that I start seeing a psychiatrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 948

You deserved it 1 049

Alexa, play "It was a Good Day" by Ice Cube

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 17:00

Today, I woke up, had great sex, had a delicious breakfast, played with my kid and laid down for a nap… only to wake up in extreme pain, an ambulance ride, and now a doctor saying I need emergency surgery on my leaking gallbladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 61

My reward

By KittenShitz - 25/12/2019 14:00

Today, I felt accomplished after I cleaned the whole house alone, but then I stepped backwards to admire my work and stepped into a pile of dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 311

By mo - 19/12/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 755

You deserved it 7 128

By Anonymous - 08/08/2012 17:15 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 259

You deserved it 4 240

By StUbbY - 09/07/2009 14:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 793

You deserved it 59 097

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're doing it wrong. You should be getting head, not getting a headache.

Mayshod 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Screw you doc! Masterbation is safe sex with someone I love very much.

weepingangel_fml 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:51

Because you're going blind. XD

Dawnxxoo 11

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Bourne_ 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:54

Yeah man get a chick and it'll be more fun.

markrs 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Yeah man, get a dude and it'll be more fun. I mean, if you swing that way...

fanceh 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:25

Yeah man get a monkey and it'll be more fun......... no?

unhappybitch 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:31

Get a doll and it will be more fun.

Capt_Oblivious 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:45

Yeah man, use fruit because it'll be more....something.

jackassiddy 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:54

god gave us two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak.. he gave men two hands and one penis..

eurostar710 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:58

I think it's time to get a new doctor. Ya know, not a completely retarded one.

jackassiddy 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:13

god gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak. He gave us two hands and one penis..

jackassiddy 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:15

Damn comment not showing up making me look like a jackass... wait..

dtbomb 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:55

You need to stop playing tug-o-war with the cyclops!

belkinbra 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:49

Docbastard needs to become OP's new doctor.

J3R3MYY 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:55

What?! Your probably just dehidrated. Drink lots of water you should be good. Your doc is an idiot.

npnptracking 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

How does dehydration have anything to do with masturbation?

hurtandabused 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:03

Lack of juices to have come out lol

MizzErikaHart 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:07

He may perspire a lot if he's masturbating

J3R3MYY 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:15

Exactly!

EffinToofer 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:23

Dehydration causes headaches.

dreamnitedarling 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 18:16

Am I the only one suspecting a blood pressure issue?

HumanWiki 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

Time for a new Dr. One that's not religious.

MoodyBlue320 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:09

Dumbass religious doctors don't have real answers. =P

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're doing it wrong. You should be getting head, not getting a headache.

Dawnxxoo 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

LOL

bitchslapped22 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're also going to have hairy palms!

mk58 31

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

Wonder what school this particular doctor got his MD from...

Savra_fml 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:20

printout from the internet

mk58 31

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:34

Damn it! So I'm wasting away in university for no reason?!

leogirl95 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:47

Church

77777771 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

Probably to much blood is leaving your brain to go somewhere much more important.

Mayshod 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Screw you doc! Masterbation is safe sex with someone I love very much.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 36

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 84

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 744

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments