Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting...

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Rock, hard place

Noise

By swip - 29/7/2018 20:30

Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

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By Bill - 18/8/2011 23:44 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new college roommate not only makes casual conversation about his bowel movements, he also names them. FML

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By MedChew - 30/10/2015 17:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

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By Hannah - 1/3/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

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By jodulieu - 2/9/2010 02:31 - France

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

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By Bart - 3/7/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By HitbyIce - 7/2/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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By Lost - 14/1/2010 15:57 - United States

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 01:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2019 12:00

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

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By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

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By me - 23/10/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

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By GirlinGreen - 30/4/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a four year old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me and that I should go die and never come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 04:35 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By hapless - 16/1/2009 07:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was late for work and took a taxi. The driver tells me he tried to commit suicide recently. I listen to him for 20mins, sat outside my workplace with the meter off. He charges me £5.80 and my boss gives me a warning for being late. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By Lonely - 2/1/2010 10:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

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By Che_likes_you - 12/12/2014 15:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 00:01

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By top dog! - 11/10/2011 20:05 - Australia

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

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By Annebelle - 14/5/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I ordered a graduation cake from a woman at the grocery store. She asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I said "Congratulations Annie". Then she asked me who was ordering and I said "Annie". I had to order my own cake. The woman was silent. FML

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By timmyb - 2/3/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, i walked into starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, " NO". There was a 'now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By masterfail - 4/10/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

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By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By WhatdyaDo - 16/3/2009 09:55 - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By violetbcracecar - 14/12/2016 03:48 - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

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By Pooperscooper - 20/7/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By CassidyQueen - 6/6/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2016 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

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By sexyhobbit - 12/7/2014 00:26 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By I shaved my legs for this - 2/8/2018 01:30

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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By no love - 1/1/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

On call

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#3620241 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're doing it wrong.
You should be getting head, not getting a headache.

By Mayshod | 3

#3620287 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Screw you doc! Masterbation is safe sex with someone I love very much.

COMMENTS

By weepingangel_fml | 7

#3620178 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:51

Because you're going blind. XD

By Dawnxxoo | 11

#3620179 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Bourne_ | 5

#3620214 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:54

Yeah man get a chick and it'll be more fun.

markrs | 0

#3620285 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Yeah man, get a dude and it'll be more fun. I mean, if you swing that way...

fanceh | 10

#3620363 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:25

Yeah man get a monkey and it'll be more fun......... no?

unhappybitch | 8

#3620386 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:31

Get a doll and it will be more fun.

Capt_Oblivious | 10

#3620440 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:45

Yeah man, use fruit because it'll be more....something.

jackassiddy | 8

#3620477 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:54

god gave us two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak.. he gave men two hands and one penis..

eurostar710 | 11

#3620492 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:58

I think it's time to get a new doctor. Ya know, not a completely retarded one.

jackassiddy | 8

#3620532 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:13

god gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak. He gave us two hands and one penis..

jackassiddy | 8

#3620543 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:15

Damn comment not showing up making me look like a jackass... wait..

By dtbomb | 3

#3620219 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:55

You need to stop playing tug-o-war with the cyclops!

belkinbra | 12

#3620632 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 17:49

Docbastard needs to become OP's new doctor.

By J3R3MYY | 14

#3620229 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:55

What?! Your probably just dehidrated. Drink lots of water you should be good. Your doc is an idiot.

npnptracking | 7

#3620266 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

How does dehydration have anything to do with masturbation?

hurtandabused | 7

#3620276 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:03

Lack of juices to have come out lol

MizzErikaHart | 8

#3620289 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:07

He may perspire a lot if he's masturbating

J3R3MYY | 14

#3620331 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:15

Exactly!

EffinToofer | 3

#3620357 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:23

Dehydration causes headaches.

dreamnitedarling | 9

#3620719 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 18:16

Am I the only one suspecting a blood pressure issue?

By HumanWiki | 8

#3620239 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

Time for a new Dr. One that's not religious.

MoodyBlue320 | 11

#3620304 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:09

Dumbass religious doctors don't have real answers. =P

By RedPillSucks | 31

#3620241 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're doing it wrong.
You should be getting head, not getting a headache.

Dawnxxoo | 11

#3620271 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

LOL

By bitchslapped22 | 14

#3620243 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

You're also going to have hairy palms!

By mk58 | 31

#3620249 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 15:58

Wonder what school this particular doctor got his MD from...

Savra_fml | 17

#3620346 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:20

printout from the internet

mk58 | 31

#3620393 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:34

Damn it! So I'm wasting away in university for no reason?!

leogirl95 | 12

#3620455 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:47

Church

By 77777771 | 12

#3620264 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:01

Probably to much blood is leaving your brain to go somewhere much more important.

By Mayshod | 3

#3620287 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 16:06

Screw you doc! Masterbation is safe sex with someone I love very much.