Miscellaneous: Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked... - FML

By skjjj - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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True hero

Toxic people

OK, well, goodbye

By jfields2474 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad turned off our cable. The reason? His favorite character from The Walking Dead died. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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By thebiteof87 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

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By PartyPooper - Netherlands

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By themanzz - Canada

Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML

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By pot, meet kettle - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I was chatting online with a guy I really like, when he used the word "irregardless." I couldn't help but mention how little sense it makes, since it's a combination of two words meaning roughly the same thing. He replied, "lol what? your stupid." Jesus Christ. FML

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By begging for air - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

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By Alli.M - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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By laurenmay - United States

Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I asked what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

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By Morrowindwhore - United Kingdom

Today, a friend of mine was talking about how he'd spent over 30 hours on Call of Duty. I piped up and said "Oh yeah! Well I've spent well over 300 hours on Morrowind! Beat that!" To which he replied, "I've had sex. Beat that!" I couldn't. FML

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By budgetboss - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

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By poo4brains - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I called the cops on my elderly neighbor for blaring loud war music yet again. They chatted and laughed with him on his lawn for a good half hour. As they left, he slapped the female officer's ass, only for her to just giggle about it. After they drove off, he fired up his music again. FML

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By PickYourselfUp - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By Julie - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

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By Coolios - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I bumped into my parents at the mall. They didn't tell me they were around. I live 5,000 miles away, in a different country from them. FML

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By XYZee - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

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By VoiceMail - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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By Jessica - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

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By RDS

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

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By Dontsitsitandyoudie - Iceland - Reykjav?k

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

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By michellemoyah - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

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By .............. - Germany - Wadgassen

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

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By impure - United States

Today, I found out I have an STD, courtesy of my girlfriend. Funnily enough, she was clean when we first started dating. FML

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By Carl - 8/12/2020 12:02 - Australia - Abbotsford

Fake it til you make it

Today, I was working from home alone while my wife was at her office. I decided that instead of having a healthy lunch at home, I would walk to the fast food place a block over. I didn't realise that my fitness tracker would automatically log this as "Exercise (walk)." My wife clicked "Like" underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

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By Phoellie - United Kingdom

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

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Top comments

By shmaller | 0

#146457 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:58

You have such low self esteem that you just expect people to laugh at you on sight, or what?

By aFMLaddict | 0

#146453 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:57

I agree with #5

How the hell are people able to stuck toilet paper in theyr shirts?
for me it's even more understandeable to have a long piece of toiletpaper stuck between your but...and then go to church with it.

COMMENTS

By Psyche_fml | 2

#146353 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:43

This isn't that great.

By wowfmlife | 0

#146354 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:43

hahahah OUCH

By emmaleelee | 0

#146355 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:43

oh geez, that's gotta suck. I'm sorry girl.

By infm | 0

#146356 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:43

pfft, you should always check when you leave the bathroom.

By Claeric | 0

#146359 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:44

Someone explain this to me.

HOW DOES SOMEONE GET TOILET PAPER STUCK TO THEM?

I can't understand it. It seems like something you have to be retarded to even BEGIN to do.

By jdb2009 | 0

#146389 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:48

Yup, FYL indeed.

By 24788 | 6

#146422 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:53

Lol, that's funny.

By pwnrzero | 0

#146424 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:53

lol, check first b4 u leave

YDI

By Frlf | 0

#146429 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:55

Eh. >:

By HeyyyBrahhh | 0

#146431 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:55

Hey, it happens sometimes.