Work: Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also...

By offuckingcourse - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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Work

Commando

Empathy lives

In the zone

By footfetish - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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42415

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By Username - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

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33121

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2021 11:01

Rock, hard place

Today, my parents have decided to ground me if I don’t wake up early. If I wake up early, I get migraines. Not only that, but the migraines always last for exactly as long as the grounding. FML

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792

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108

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

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22347

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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22255

You deserved it

3478

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By cndpost - Canada

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

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9800

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42622

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

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63815

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2851

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By Anonymous

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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4381

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2021 11:01

Clean your room

Today, I've pretty much given up hope that she’ll ever learn to tidy up after herself. I just wish I could dock her allowance every time she makes me clean up her mess. Why can’t I? Because I’m not actually her mother. In fact, she’s mine. FML

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833

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By dumping time - United Kingdom - Aylesford

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

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16049

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By Feema - United States

I am his girlfriend

Today, right after sex, my boyfriend told me that I was as good as a man, and all that I was missing was a strap-on penis. FML

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2426

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323

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By calidreaming - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

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33400

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By MyS3lf - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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32036

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By Elena - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

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43372

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By Anonymous

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

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88884

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17292

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By sis - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4938

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283

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By Anonymous

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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1381

You deserved it

134

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

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29000

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2742

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

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63673

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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14254

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1088

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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36224

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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20602

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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14178

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By CollegeBound - United States - Tully

Today, at age eighteen, I finished moving out of my parents' house and into my own. The only person to even remotely give a shit was my sister, and that was only because I was taking the cat with me. FML

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24198

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By please don't back that thing up - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light, when I noticed the car in front of me was in reverse. I honked at the driver, hoping he'd realize and place the car in drive. He thought the light turned green and immediately backed into me. FML

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50581

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my unemployed boyfriend to pick a town anywhere in the country that he thinks he can find work in. I offered to find myself a job there, find a flat, and pay for rent, bills, and food while he looks. He said I was selfish for wanting him to hurry up. It's been three years. FML

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4166

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1226

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By bl3ur0z3

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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1385

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By life sucks - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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46691

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5069

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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15274

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By sad day

Time to run

Today, my dad planned his wedding to his mistress for literally the day after his divorce from my mom becomes final. My dad says he’ll be devastated if I don’t go, while my mother will feel betrayed if I do. I’m not sure who to hurt. FML

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2145

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110

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By becca - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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8353

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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25639

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By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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30500

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By humanshield - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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20170

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my girlfriend and I were lying in her bed. We fooled around and were about to have sex as she suddenly began to cry without any reason. She cried for 30 minutes until I finally managed to calm her down. She said there was no reason for her crying. Then she fell asleep. FML

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36999

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5065

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By KilteDKilleR - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37604

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By justwantedtounpack - United States

Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML

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34287

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By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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24150

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2885

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By RIPmyhair

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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2085

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By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

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10032

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Top comments

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

COMMENTS

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

ottokat | 15

#5615377 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Exactly - not to say this is anyone's fault, but who lets their baby crawl under the table full of guests? People drop knives and forks all the time.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615393 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:37

and spoons

webbface | 25

#5615401 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Zebediabolical | 39

#5615442 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:22

Stop playing? Do you know how hard that achievement is to get?

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BABY KICKER! (50G)

iBanana | 17

#5615443 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:24

Foot-sees..... Foot-sees.... Is that right? I- IS THAT RIGHT?! Please don't tell me I've gone all my years spelling it footsies!?

ballpython | 15

#5615533 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

#58 - I really hate that your comment made me burst out in laughter.

Lacist | 19

#5615613 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:32

His picture makes the misspelling foot-seas joke a hundred times better.

generalasskicker | 12

#5615656 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:00

If he is smart he just didn't say anything and played dumb about the whole thing

onealmxwilson | 18

#5616432 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 6:19

That baby got a little confused. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, no.

Sorry couldn't help myself.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5618973 - Thursday 8 August 2013 21:20

What no one got the AWOLNATION reference? Disappointing D:

By isallwaysme | 27

#5615317 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

id love to know how your boss reacted

ViRepz | 28

#5615378 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Probably was glad it wasn't him...

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615410 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:55

The FML doesn't go on but it's a baby so I'm assuming he/she didn't say "the mean man kicked me!" They probably just tended to the crying child and OP felt horrible

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5615471 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:54

Curiosity did kill the Cat

By ViRepz | 28

#5615326 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

isallwaysme | 27

#5615333 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

id much rather someone kick me than my infant child.

ViRepz | 28

#5615340 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Not if you never found out it was kicked....

isallwaysme | 27

#5615352 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

"Then i heard something start crying." and are you that stupid? in no way, shape, or form would i rather an infant be kicked instead of me.

ViRepz | 28

#5615358 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:10

Ye but the boss doesn't know why the baby is crying. And TRUST ME being kicked hurts...

isallwaysme | 27

#5615363 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:14

no shit being kicked hurts.. OP could have bruised the baby, think about it, babys are soft, and you were going to kick your sister, you're going to kick as hard as possible without being noticed.

ViRepz | 28

#5615364 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:15

Hey im soft too, better it then me!

isallwaysme | 27

#5615367 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:17

were YOU kicked as a baby? you're horrible.

ViRepz | 28

#5615369 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:18

I hope not, and I would like to avoid it for as long as I can.

isallwaysme | 27

#5615371 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:20

Im done. there's no cure for stupid.

ViRepz | 28

#5615375 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:21

Neither is there for being kicked!

Uramonkey | 11

#5615387 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

22 - Rather it than you? Weren't you just saying in the comments below that child abuse is no laughing matter? Nice contradictions. My advice, don't spam out comments and think before you post.

Mossears133 | 15

#5615388 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

Never breed.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615396 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:39

your bad spelling hurts the worst.

Uramonkey | 11

#5615412 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:58

42 - I have seen some decent comments from him before, but most are terrible. I think he's actually trying which is the sad part.

sioux4 | 17

#5615422 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:04

Wtf is wrong with you?

isallwaysme | 27

#5615424 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:05

Hahahah i just realized 22 said "it THEN me" so he would like someone to kick a baby then him

iAlissa | 34

#5615429 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

ViRepz, after every single comment you made got thumbed down, I highly suggest leaving this thread

whiteboy896 | 9

#5615430 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

you two fight like a married couple, get a room.

alwayswinning123 | 7

#5615496 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

OMG WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?

mattjamt | 16

#5615497 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

If anyone purposely let a baby get kicked, I would kick their ass in seconds. See you around ViRepz....

By Blink_me26 | 21

#5615327 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

That is one of the funniest fml's I have ever read. Hope the baby is okay!

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5615332 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

The baby set you up.

ViRepz | 28

#5615335 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Child abuse is no laughing matter!

ottokat | 15

#5615380 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:25

It's not child abuse. It was an honest and unfortunate mistake.

Zimmington | 21

#5617290 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 19:28

It's not child abuse if it's funny

By logankyng | 15

#5615334 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

That baby was asking for it

By LaLince | 40

#5615336 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

ballpython | 15

#5615548 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:08

You are absolutely right. Let's take him out back and "kick the shit out of him". I am sure you have never made a mistake in your life.

Axipiter | 24

#5615974 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 0:13

Damn right. Kneel and face the ditch. This is a crime punishable by death, obviously.

By alonur | 6

#5615342 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Is this a FML? Don't be such a baby.

By angelitared | 27

#5615343 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Why was he under the table!!!?

ViRepz | 28

#5615353 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

Looking for the fork.

alonur | 6

#5615355 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:09

Probaby dropped his or her teat.

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615411 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:57

Have you ever watched the rugrats? Kids are always playing under the table!

FTWFMLFuckIt | 7

#5618077 - Thursday 8 August 2013 5:38

why was the man up the table!!?

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6316074 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 13:03

What 114?