Work: Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also...

By offuckingcourse - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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Work

Late term

Family values

Night terrors

By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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22630

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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2865

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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20812

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By jacked - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

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55982

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By Anonymous

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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1654

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By cuteloser - Australia

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

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40240

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

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10597

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By picklet - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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25045

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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34523

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By longday - Canada

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

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24464

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By ditched?? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By owmyhead - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

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30266

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By NotBridezilla - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

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By StupidJob - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

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14791

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By Bug - Canada - Ajax

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I called my mom for help. When she came over, she said I looked like a dead bug, took a picture and posted it on Facebook. FML

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26991

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By Anonymous

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

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2137

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

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12505

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By sickpuppy

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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1328

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By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I took a nap because I've been sick for the past week and I was exhausted. When I woke up, my hair, shirt, pillow, and bedsheets were soaked. I threw up all over myself in my sleep. FML

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By Andrew7847 - United States - Fort Worth

Bad hair day

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as the abominable snowman. FML

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By KoNi - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By J-Sauce - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

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By iloveryanhiga - United States

Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML

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By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

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34470

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

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8677

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By grann - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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10838

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By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

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51729

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By smurfpoo - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By Drew - United States - Newark

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

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13214

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By jennabee97 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By NoCookForYou - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

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Top comments

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

COMMENTS

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

ottokat | 15

#5615377 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Exactly - not to say this is anyone's fault, but who lets their baby crawl under the table full of guests? People drop knives and forks all the time.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615393 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:37

and spoons

webbface | 25

#5615401 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zebediabolical | 38

#5615442 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:22

Stop playing? Do you know how hard that achievement is to get?

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BABY KICKER! (50G)

iBanana | 17

#5615443 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:24

Foot-sees..... Foot-sees.... Is that right? I- IS THAT RIGHT?! Please don't tell me I've gone all my years spelling it footsies!?

ballpython | 15

#5615533 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

#58 - I really hate that your comment made me burst out in laughter.

Lacist | 19

#5615613 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:32

His picture makes the misspelling foot-seas joke a hundred times better.

generalasskicker | 12

#5615656 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:00

If he is smart he just didn't say anything and played dumb about the whole thing

onealmxwilson | 18

#5616432 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 6:19

That baby got a little confused. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, no.

Sorry couldn't help myself.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5618973 - Thursday 8 August 2013 21:20

What no one got the AWOLNATION reference? Disappointing D:

By isallwaysme | 27

#5615317 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

id love to know how your boss reacted

ViRepz | 28

#5615378 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Probably was glad it wasn't him...

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615410 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:55

The FML doesn't go on but it's a baby so I'm assuming he/she didn't say "the mean man kicked me!" They probably just tended to the crying child and OP felt horrible

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5615471 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:54

Curiosity did kill the Cat

By ViRepz | 28

#5615326 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

isallwaysme | 27

#5615333 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

id much rather someone kick me than my infant child.

ViRepz | 28

#5615340 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Not if you never found out it was kicked....

isallwaysme | 27

#5615352 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

"Then i heard something start crying." and are you that stupid? in no way, shape, or form would i rather an infant be kicked instead of me.

ViRepz | 28

#5615358 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:10

Ye but the boss doesn't know why the baby is crying. And TRUST ME being kicked hurts...

isallwaysme | 27

#5615363 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:14

no shit being kicked hurts.. OP could have bruised the baby, think about it, babys are soft, and you were going to kick your sister, you're going to kick as hard as possible without being noticed.

ViRepz | 28

#5615364 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:15

Hey im soft too, better it then me!

isallwaysme | 27

#5615367 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:17

were YOU kicked as a baby? you're horrible.

ViRepz | 28

#5615369 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:18

I hope not, and I would like to avoid it for as long as I can.

isallwaysme | 27

#5615371 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:20

Im done. there's no cure for stupid.

ViRepz | 28

#5615375 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:21

Neither is there for being kicked!

Uramonkey | 11

#5615387 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

22 - Rather it than you? Weren't you just saying in the comments below that child abuse is no laughing matter? Nice contradictions. My advice, don't spam out comments and think before you post.

Mossears133 | 15

#5615388 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

Never breed.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615396 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:39

your bad spelling hurts the worst.

Uramonkey | 11

#5615412 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:58

42 - I have seen some decent comments from him before, but most are terrible. I think he's actually trying which is the sad part.

sioux4 | 17

#5615422 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:04

Wtf is wrong with you?

isallwaysme | 27

#5615424 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:05

Hahahah i just realized 22 said "it THEN me" so he would like someone to kick a baby then him

iAlissa | 34

#5615429 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

ViRepz, after every single comment you made got thumbed down, I highly suggest leaving this thread

whiteboy896 | 9

#5615430 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

you two fight like a married couple, get a room.

alwayswinning123 | 7

#5615496 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

OMG WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?

mattjamt | 16

#5615497 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

If anyone purposely let a baby get kicked, I would kick their ass in seconds. See you around ViRepz....

By Blink_me26 | 21

#5615327 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

That is one of the funniest fml's I have ever read. Hope the baby is okay!

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5615332 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

The baby set you up.

ViRepz | 28

#5615335 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Child abuse is no laughing matter!

ottokat | 15

#5615380 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:25

It's not child abuse. It was an honest and unfortunate mistake.

Zimmington | 21

#5617290 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 19:28

It's not child abuse if it's funny

By logankyng | 15

#5615334 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

That baby was asking for it

By LaLince | 40

#5615336 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ballpython | 15

#5615548 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:08

You are absolutely right. Let's take him out back and "kick the shit out of him". I am sure you have never made a mistake in your life.

Axipiter | 24

#5615974 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 0:13

Damn right. Kneel and face the ditch. This is a crime punishable by death, obviously.

By alonur | 6

#5615342 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Is this a FML? Don't be such a baby.

By angelitared | 27

#5615343 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Why was he under the table!!!?

ViRepz | 28

#5615353 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

Looking for the fork.

alonur | 6

#5615355 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:09

Probaby dropped his or her teat.

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615411 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:57

Have you ever watched the rugrats? Kids are always playing under the table!

FTWFMLFuckIt | 7

#5618077 - Thursday 8 August 2013 5:38

why was the man up the table!!?

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6316074 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 13:03

What 114?