Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also...

By offuckingcourse - 6/8/2013 05:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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Work

Family values

Call CPS!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By AmySweet - 18/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 05:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By ugh - 21/1/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter - 6/10/2019 16:00

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By MedHistory - 15/9/2015 20:40 - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By damn it rose - 31/5/2014 13:40 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By smellsgood - 13/3/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, after finishing the laundry, I took clothes out of the dryer and took a big whiff of their delicious clean scent. That was when I noticed that my mom was watching me, and I had just smelled my dad's still-stained underwear that was on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 05:49 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - 12/11/2014 03:16 - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

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By fail - 18/8/2013 04:41 - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By Gemma - 3/11/2010 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By BarhydtBran - 18/8/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By Skylan - 13/11/2008 10:31 - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - 17/2/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By porkythighs - 27/12/2010 14:19 - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By goldengirl - 26/8/2011 09:09 - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By davidthegreat - 5/7/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By fmylifechelsea - 27/4/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

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By sealy - 28/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

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By Tasji - 27/7/2009 06:24 - Canada

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

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By facefuckedguy - 12/8/2014 21:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

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By - 20/11/2019 18:00

Handjob

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:35 - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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By crystalpistol - 16/8/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 01:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By brazo667 - 9/2/2015 23:07 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

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By richgirl - 25/2/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 04:01 - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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By fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc - 2/4/2014 21:22 - Denmark - Herning

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

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By Numnum - 29/11/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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By Unemployed - 30/9/2009 09:03 - Malaysia

Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

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By Eric Forrest - 24/2/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 05:00

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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Top comments

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

Comments

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

ottokat | 15

#5615377 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Exactly - not to say this is anyone's fault, but who lets their baby crawl under the table full of guests? People drop knives and forks all the time.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615393 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:37

and spoons

webbface | 25

#5615401 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zebediabolical | 37

#5615442 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:22

Stop playing? Do you know how hard that achievement is to get?

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BABY KICKER! (50G)

iBanana | 17

#5615443 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:24

Foot-sees..... Foot-sees.... Is that right? I- IS THAT RIGHT?! Please don't tell me I've gone all my years spelling it footsies!?

ballpython | 15

#5615533 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

#58 - I really hate that your comment made me burst out in laughter.

Lacist | 19

#5615613 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:32

His picture makes the misspelling foot-seas joke a hundred times better.

generalasskicker | 12

#5615656 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:00

If he is smart he just didn't say anything and played dumb about the whole thing

onealmxwilson | 18

#5616432 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 6:19

That baby got a little confused. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, no.

Sorry couldn't help myself.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5618973 - Thursday 8 August 2013 21:20

What no one got the AWOLNATION reference? Disappointing D:

By isallwaysme | 27

#5615317 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

id love to know how your boss reacted

ViRepz | 28

#5615378 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Probably was glad it wasn't him...

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615410 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:55

The FML doesn't go on but it's a baby so I'm assuming he/she didn't say "the mean man kicked me!" They probably just tended to the crying child and OP felt horrible

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5615471 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:54

Curiosity did kill the Cat

By ViRepz | 28

#5615326 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

isallwaysme | 27

#5615333 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

id much rather someone kick me than my infant child.

ViRepz | 28

#5615340 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Not if you never found out it was kicked....

isallwaysme | 27

#5615352 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

"Then i heard something start crying." and are you that stupid? in no way, shape, or form would i rather an infant be kicked instead of me.

ViRepz | 28

#5615358 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:10

Ye but the boss doesn't know why the baby is crying. And TRUST ME being kicked hurts...

isallwaysme | 27

#5615363 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:14

no shit being kicked hurts.. OP could have bruised the baby, think about it, babys are soft, and you were going to kick your sister, you're going to kick as hard as possible without being noticed.

ViRepz | 28

#5615364 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:15

Hey im soft too, better it then me!

isallwaysme | 27

#5615367 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:17

were YOU kicked as a baby? you're horrible.

ViRepz | 28

#5615369 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:18

I hope not, and I would like to avoid it for as long as I can.

isallwaysme | 27

#5615371 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:20

Im done. there's no cure for stupid.

ViRepz | 28

#5615375 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:21

Neither is there for being kicked!

Uramonkey | 11

#5615387 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

22 - Rather it than you? Weren't you just saying in the comments below that child abuse is no laughing matter? Nice contradictions. My advice, don't spam out comments and think before you post.

Mossears133 | 15

#5615388 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

Never breed.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615396 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:39

your bad spelling hurts the worst.

Uramonkey | 11

#5615412 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:58

42 - I have seen some decent comments from him before, but most are terrible. I think he's actually trying which is the sad part.

sioux4 | 17

#5615422 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:04

Wtf is wrong with you?

isallwaysme | 27

#5615424 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:05

Hahahah i just realized 22 said "it THEN me" so he would like someone to kick a baby then him

iAlissa | 34

#5615429 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

ViRepz, after every single comment you made got thumbed down, I highly suggest leaving this thread

whiteboy896 | 9

#5615430 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

you two fight like a married couple, get a room.

alwayswinning123 | 7

#5615496 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

OMG WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?

mattjamt | 16

#5615497 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

If anyone purposely let a baby get kicked, I would kick their ass in seconds. See you around ViRepz....

By Blink_me26 | 21

#5615327 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

That is one of the funniest fml's I have ever read. Hope the baby is okay!

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5615332 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

The baby set you up.

ViRepz | 28

#5615335 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Child abuse is no laughing matter!

ottokat | 15

#5615380 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:25

It's not child abuse. It was an honest and unfortunate mistake.

Zimmington | 21

#5617290 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 19:28

It's not child abuse if it's funny

By logankyng | 15

#5615334 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

That baby was asking for it

By LaLince | 40

#5615336 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ballpython | 15

#5615548 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:08

You are absolutely right. Let's take him out back and "kick the shit out of him". I am sure you have never made a mistake in your life.

Axipiter | 24

#5615974 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 0:13

Damn right. Kneel and face the ditch. This is a crime punishable by death, obviously.

By alonur | 6

#5615342 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Is this a FML? Don't be such a baby.

By angelitared | 27

#5615343 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Why was he under the table!!!?

ViRepz | 28

#5615353 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

Looking for the fork.

alonur | 6

#5615355 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:09

Probaby dropped his or her teat.

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615411 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:57

Have you ever watched the rugrats? Kids are always playing under the table!

FTWFMLFuckIt | 7

#5618077 - Thursday 8 August 2013 5:38

why was the man up the table!!?

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6316074 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 13:03

What 114?