Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also...

By offuckingcourse - 6/8/2013 05:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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Work

Messed up

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Sunshine.0.ninja - 29/7/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Badkitty14 - 9/8/2012 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Issues

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

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By lucy_g - 2/11/2013 05:06 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

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By demaris - 30/10/2010 23:46 - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 17:22 - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

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By facepalm - 28/12/2010 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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By becca - 29/10/2012 03:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 17:29 - United States - Oceanside

Today, as usual, I'm stuck working in a brutally hostile work environment under my mother-in-law, who's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter. I only got the job because of family politics. Four months on, I still can't even land so much as a single interview elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 18:00

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

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By ELLI - 2/10/2017 04:30

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By really - 21/6/2012 05:30 - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By geoduck - 10/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

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By poormom - 27/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I went to announce to my son that I am pregnant again. After I told him, he looks up and yells: "fuck this shit!" and walks out of the room. My son is nine years old. FML

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By r1has - 12/6/2016 02:58 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 13:25 - United States

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 08:02

That's that, then

Today, I walked in on my brother having sex. With my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:03 - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 06:00

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By masterman - 27/8/2012 06:45 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By Peepants - 3/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

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By dumbass1991 - 12/12/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By em from Cali - 28/7/2012 08:07 - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Lootz - 3/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By WTFLY - 23/3/2013 08:17 - United States - Hilo

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

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By grounded4life - 22/7/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 02:04

Life imitates art

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

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By parentalissues - 15/2/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2010 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

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By MexyBoy - 11/6/2019 16:08

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By Un1ucky - 8/6/2014 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 00:10 - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

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By 5minsolder - 8/2/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

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Top comments

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

COMMENTS

By NakedandScared | 8

#5615313 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

lets just hope you dont get kicked from the job.

ottokat | 15

#5615377 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Exactly - not to say this is anyone's fault, but who lets their baby crawl under the table full of guests? People drop knives and forks all the time.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615393 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:37

and spoons

webbface | 25

#5615401 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zebediabolical | 37

#5615442 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:22

Stop playing? Do you know how hard that achievement is to get?

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BABY KICKER! (50G)

iBanana | 17

#5615443 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:24

Foot-sees..... Foot-sees.... Is that right? I- IS THAT RIGHT?! Please don't tell me I've gone all my years spelling it footsies!?

ballpython | 15

#5615533 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:04

#58 - I really hate that your comment made me burst out in laughter.

Lacist | 19

#5615613 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:32

His picture makes the misspelling foot-seas joke a hundred times better.

generalasskicker | 12

#5615656 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 20:00

If he is smart he just didn't say anything and played dumb about the whole thing

onealmxwilson | 18

#5616432 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 6:19

That baby got a little confused. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, no.

Sorry couldn't help myself.

onealmxwilson | 18

#5618973 - Thursday 8 August 2013 21:20

What no one got the AWOLNATION reference? Disappointing D:

By isallwaysme | 27

#5615317 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 15:59

id love to know how your boss reacted

ViRepz | 28

#5615378 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:23

Probably was glad it wasn't him...

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615410 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:55

The FML doesn't go on but it's a baby so I'm assuming he/she didn't say "the mean man kicked me!" They probably just tended to the crying child and OP felt horrible

By FitForFun | 11

#5615320 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:00

I thought the saying "you make me so mad I want to kick a baby" was just an expression.

PterodactylMan | 23

#5615471 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:54

Curiosity did kill the Cat

By ViRepz | 28

#5615326 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

isallwaysme | 27

#5615333 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

id much rather someone kick me than my infant child.

ViRepz | 28

#5615340 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Not if you never found out it was kicked....

isallwaysme | 27

#5615352 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

"Then i heard something start crying." and are you that stupid? in no way, shape, or form would i rather an infant be kicked instead of me.

ViRepz | 28

#5615358 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:10

Ye but the boss doesn't know why the baby is crying. And TRUST ME being kicked hurts...

isallwaysme | 27

#5615363 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:14

no shit being kicked hurts.. OP could have bruised the baby, think about it, babys are soft, and you were going to kick your sister, you're going to kick as hard as possible without being noticed.

ViRepz | 28

#5615364 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:15

Hey im soft too, better it then me!

isallwaysme | 27

#5615367 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:17

were YOU kicked as a baby? you're horrible.

ViRepz | 28

#5615369 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:18

I hope not, and I would like to avoid it for as long as I can.

isallwaysme | 27

#5615371 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:20

Im done. there's no cure for stupid.

ViRepz | 28

#5615375 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:21

Neither is there for being kicked!

Uramonkey | 11

#5615387 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

22 - Rather it than you? Weren't you just saying in the comments below that child abuse is no laughing matter? Nice contradictions. My advice, don't spam out comments and think before you post.

Mossears133 | 15

#5615388 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:32

Never breed.

CreeperXRemix15 | 8

#5615396 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:39

your bad spelling hurts the worst.

Uramonkey | 11

#5615412 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:58

42 - I have seen some decent comments from him before, but most are terrible. I think he's actually trying which is the sad part.

sioux4 | 17

#5615422 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:04

Wtf is wrong with you?

isallwaysme | 27

#5615424 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:05

Hahahah i just realized 22 said "it THEN me" so he would like someone to kick a baby then him

iAlissa | 34

#5615429 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

ViRepz, after every single comment you made got thumbed down, I highly suggest leaving this thread

whiteboy896 | 9

#5615430 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 17:11

you two fight like a married couple, get a room.

alwayswinning123 | 7

#5615496 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

OMG WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?

mattjamt | 16

#5615497 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 18:34

If anyone purposely let a baby get kicked, I would kick their ass in seconds. See you around ViRepz....

By Blink_me26 | 21

#5615327 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:01

That is one of the funniest fml's I have ever read. Hope the baby is okay!

By NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5615332 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

The baby set you up.

ViRepz | 28

#5615335 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Child abuse is no laughing matter!

ottokat | 15

#5615380 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:25

It's not child abuse. It was an honest and unfortunate mistake.

Zimmington | 21

#5617290 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 19:28

It's not child abuse if it's funny

By logankyng | 15

#5615334 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:02

That baby was asking for it

By LaLince | 40

#5615336 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

ballpython | 15

#5615548 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 19:08

You are absolutely right. Let's take him out back and "kick the shit out of him". I am sure you have never made a mistake in your life.

Axipiter | 24

#5615974 - Wednesday 7 August 2013 0:13

Damn right. Kneel and face the ditch. This is a crime punishable by death, obviously.

By alonur | 6

#5615342 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Is this a FML? Don't be such a baby.

By angelitared | 27

#5615343 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:05

Why was he under the table!!!?

ViRepz | 28

#5615353 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:08

Looking for the fork.

alonur | 6

#5615355 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:09

Probaby dropped his or her teat.

Wowxoxo | 17

#5615411 - Tuesday 6 August 2013 16:57

Have you ever watched the rugrats? Kids are always playing under the table!

FTWFMLFuckIt | 7

#5618077 - Thursday 8 August 2013 5:38

why was the man up the table!!?

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6316074 - Wednesday 10 June 2015 13:03

What 114?