Intimacy: Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility... - FML

By alpine75 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61806

You deserved it

8507

Tweet

Share

BO Central

Toxic people

Music nerds of the world unite!

By wenchfucker - France - ?pinal

Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29190

You deserved it

2154

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54025

You deserved it

3840

Tweet

Share

By PartyPooper - Netherlands

Today, I attended my graduation ceremony. My parents acted mysteriously and kept urging me to go home, since we had to be "on time" for something. Thinking they might have planned a surprise party, I left my friends behind. I missed my graduation because my mom wanted to watch a TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4345

You deserved it

297

Tweet

Share

By ellie - Australia

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30040

You deserved it

2472

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32431

You deserved it

2935

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65742

You deserved it

3397

Tweet

Share

By gl0b3suck0r - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24316

You deserved it

4593

Tweet

Share

By bubblzzz

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2132

You deserved it

122

Tweet

Share

By birdmagnet - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57092

You deserved it

12590

Tweet

Share

By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53056

You deserved it

8186

Tweet

Share

By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35740

You deserved it

5431

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59518

You deserved it

4790

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2777

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By SSH - United States

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26674

You deserved it

3464

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26652

You deserved it

5776

Tweet

Share

By JimmyJazzNJ - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50703

You deserved it

5080

Tweet

Share

By JulleandCici - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35519

You deserved it

4915

Tweet

Share

By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1634

You deserved it

90

Tweet

Share

By SisterOfTard - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47333

You deserved it

4676

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49709

You deserved it

3626

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39461

You deserved it

3046

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6809

You deserved it

372

Tweet

Share

By izhamilton - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33924

You deserved it

2749

Tweet

Share

By joeheathen - United States

Today, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a brace for my sprained wrist. My wife and I had recently ran out of KY lotion, so I decided to pick up a bottle while I was there. It didn't occur to me that these two items could be perceived as being related until the cashier began to giggle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30376

You deserved it

6580

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21566

You deserved it

77629

Tweet

Share

By it's v - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

5261

You deserved it

287

Tweet

Share

By lonely - United States

Today, my cats found my box of condoms. This is the third one they've chewed up. The worst part? They've gotten more use out of them in the last two months than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32599

You deserved it

7281

Tweet

Share

By toobad - Canada

Today, it's cold and rainy. I would like nothing more than to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie with the woman I love; the same woman who cheated on me and took the TV with her when she left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42267

You deserved it

3998

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31026

You deserved it

6299

Tweet

Share

By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1349

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By underemployed - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34592

You deserved it

4885

Tweet

Share

By spiderwoman - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20245

You deserved it

32083

Tweet

Share

By cantfallbackasleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23612

You deserved it

5323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76175

You deserved it

16646

Tweet

Share

By noname - France

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!". She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11998

You deserved it

25205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45469

You deserved it

9271

Tweet

Share

By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42790

You deserved it

7794

Tweet

Share

By Unculturedsimp - 19/5/2020 17:00

Baby daddy

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I got her pregnant and didn't own up to it. I wouldn't have blamed her if it didn't actually happen in her dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1646

You deserved it

127

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16371

You deserved it

34757

Tweet

Share

By KaD

Today, I lost my dream job after a week, after being told, "When I hired you, I wasn't honest. I wasn't looking to hire an examiner, I wanted someone to replace me so I can retire in a year. I don't have time to train you for that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4388

You deserved it

262

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By onelove7563 | 0

#165513 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:08

you know, you can always have the nurse come in and 'assist' you... haven't you ever seen road trip?

By codesniper1313 | 0

#165471 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:03

It's just a dry spell. Drink plenty of water and you'll be spraying that jungle juice again in no time!

COMMENTS

By codesniper1313 | 0

#165471 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:03

It's just a dry spell. Drink plenty of water and you'll be spraying that jungle juice again in no time!

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1100122 - Saturday 17 July 2010 3:20

what's jungle juice? is it like fruit punch?

Reply

Alye22 | 0

#1232521 - Friday 13 August 2010 2:01

oh god ^

Reply

gabby54321 | 0

#1233439 - Friday 13 August 2010 7:39

fail...

Reply

ThatsSOBforshort | 2

#2934999 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 4:40

or you could've asked them to come in and help....

By imlaughingatyou | 0

#165482 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:04

lmao that is SAD.

Reply

jane_marie | 12

#4448762 - Thursday 17 May 2012 23:03

Really? #2?

By slutsstud | 0

#165487 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:05

hahaha.. try not to masturbate this whole week n then i bet, u'll have lots of that milky stuff coming out when you go back next week.. hopefully from the right parts.. haha ;)

By trackrunner525 | 0

#165505 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:07

lmfao...o man

By onelove7563 | 0

#165513 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:08

you know, you can always have the nurse come in and 'assist' you... haven't you ever seen road trip?

By kitkatkelly | 0

#165517 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:09

I'm sure they're used to it. Not everyone can ejaculate on command.

By ohhdamn | 0

#165528 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:10

lmao #5.

By Paula844 | 7

#165537 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:12

Next time try it with the door open like that other dude did.

By dino_rawr | 0

#165558 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:17

Haha, that sucks. You should have asked your nurse to give you a hand....

By locasocha | 0

#165581 - Sunday 3 May 2009 23:20

HAHAHAHAHAHA #8