Miscellaneous: Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

Out of it

By fuckendog - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By dumbass for a flatmate - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Bronx

Stay safe out there

Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By AtheistLookingforRoomie

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

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By kate9871

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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By mooselord - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Jolabanane - France

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

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By strangeprincess

RIP, Moggie

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

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By MotherMary - United States - Park Hills

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

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By shaggyberaddy

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

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By hAHAha Halo - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

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By Estranged Fiance - United States

Today, my fiance got impatient and passed a lady doing 15 mph under the speed limit. The lady was driving slowly in case the black ice in the other lane was in both. We spun out and drove right into a guard rail. I just filled the tank, so now I'm down $40 and need to pay for a rental too. FML

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By painfulintercourse - Canada

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

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By JoJo - United States

Today, I realized that acne is a major side effect of a medication I'm taking. The medication is to help me with my anxiety. The acne is creating more anxiety. And the more anxious I get, the more meds I need. And the more my face breaks out. FML

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By iheartvodka - United States

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

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By SM - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

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By kevdev - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

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By mannnnn2717 - Australia

Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML

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By messy jessy - 7/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Who's there?

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

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By kiwi - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

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By lily_marleen - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

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By Koko - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawndale

Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML

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By littlelottie - United States

Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call, and the person on the other line started speaking French. I assumed it was my friend since we usually speak French with each other, so I said in French "What do you want, asshole?". It wasn't my friend. It was a representative for the exchange program I'm applying for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

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By .......... - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I found my boyfriend and his friends laughing hysterically and practically choking on popcorn. They were watching a video of me in a school play, trying to sing while sobbing because I'd just pissed my pants in front of 200 people. Thanks for giving him the video, mom. FML

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Top comments

By saranottelling | 7

#770816 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

Have them make you a wonderful French meal. The rat in Ratatouille did it...

By sakurag0525 | 0

#770833 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:13

get a cat...maybe a lot of them! XD

COMMENTS

By daniel1_1 | 13

#770810 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:07

FIRST!!!!!!!!1 and op your life sucks

Fminetoo | 0

#770861 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:25

Would you like a fuckin cookie?!?

iKaite | 0

#770924 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:55

or a brain?

Scorpio1989 | 0

#770941 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 0:04

or a pat on the back and a cookie?

minnieminroe | 0

#1005295 - Monday 24 May 2010 11:07

Eww!

By Loserguy139 | 6

#770811 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

ewwwwwwwwww

By saranottelling | 7

#770816 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

Have them make you a wonderful French meal. The rat in Ratatouille did it...

By logieebearr | 0

#770819 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:09

that's sick.

By Profkingfish | 0

#770827 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:11

AT least you know that your neighbors won't throw any loud parties!

By ScaryyMary | 14

#770828 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:11

Well, don't rat on them! >:O

...yeah, that was a lame pun. PUN-ishment, even.

Yeah? Yeah? No. :'(

The_Disturbed | 5

#771067 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:01

ScaryyMary, I like your jokes :D
Have a waffle from Kirby (>'')>#
Now the world is a slightly better place :D

And OP...That's pretty funny. Rats are surprisingly clean animals...they're just riddled with diseases and fleas. Noone likes diseases. Or fleas. So either way you look at it...it's kinda gross :P FYL

By sakurag0525 | 0

#770833 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:13

get a cat...maybe a lot of them! XD

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#770859 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:23

ewww, thats pretty scary

By me5 | 0

#770866 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:28

It's neighborS! Hi!

By ipwnallmen | 10

#770877 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:31

dang, i wouldve move outta there fast like speed of light.. well.. at least splinter has a healthy sex life.... O/o aww the turtles r gonna have lotsa half siblings to dote on ^^