Miscellaneous: Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32570

You deserved it

2356

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Serious times

No one likes a smart-ass

Emergency haircut

By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38938

You deserved it

3664

Favorite

By hubby - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61483

You deserved it

5767

Favorite

By blackntangirl - United States

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53238

You deserved it

13960

Favorite

By CptZoe - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24692

You deserved it

16405

Favorite

By ifpigsflew - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29087

You deserved it

2757

Favorite

By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

637

You deserved it

187

Favorite

By frenchy - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10105

You deserved it

55248

Favorite

By scarred for life - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18358

Phew, glad it wasn't me

4029

Favorite

By MadMax - United States - Nashua

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44185

You deserved it

3864

Favorite

By Ignitingmylightsaber - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22846

You deserved it

3523

Favorite

By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15285

You deserved it

27257

Favorite

By anon - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12835

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2149

Favorite

By Cold feet - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2450

You deserved it

155

Favorite

By Sady_Ct

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3296

You deserved it

209

Favorite

Science teacher

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2581

You deserved it

214

Favorite

By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2970

You deserved it

325

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24312

You deserved it

7736

Favorite

By A. nonymous

Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it's her ex's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39867

You deserved it

3011

Favorite

By tomoxishigaki - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30661

You deserved it

3090

Favorite

By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks

13510

You deserved it

36723

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34340

You deserved it

3726

Favorite

By Bill Harrison - United States

Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32343

You deserved it

6720

Favorite

By B.B - United States - New York

Today, my husband brought me breakfast in bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and love him even more for the thought. But the only problem with breakfast in bed is that you have to eat what they bring you, even if it's bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10834

You deserved it

1926

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, the girl I like sent me a nude photo of herself. Being a photographer, all I could think about was how grainy the photo was, and the various ways it could be fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48989

You deserved it

21742

Favorite

By FuckPollen - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24813

You deserved it

1887

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23123

You deserved it

3852

Favorite

By GatorBoi - United States

Today, I had to awkwardly sit next to my ex and her mother on a 2-hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14398

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2269

Favorite

By spartanson

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40298

You deserved it

4202

Favorite

By a - United Kingdom - Ascot

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29632

You deserved it

2518

Favorite

By bushwhacker - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29665

You deserved it

3285

Favorite

By skaterboy - Canada - Calgary

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50497

You deserved it

5008

Favorite

By sigh - United States

Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34990

You deserved it

3092

Favorite

By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12766

You deserved it

22437

Favorite

By tyrettes

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1523

You deserved it

204

Favorite

By ashleynicolle - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

I agree, your life sucks

11648

You deserved it

36736

Favorite

By Jrlloyd013 - United States

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9790

You deserved it

41750

Favorite

By Imaginary girlfriend - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48652

You deserved it

5841

Favorite

By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31764

You deserved it

17668

Favorite

By crapgirl - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70991

You deserved it

3728

Favorite

By jannister - Germany - Bad Blankenburg

Today, my mom threw my tampons in the garbage and said that from now on, I'll be buying pads instead. Turns out she read a scare story going around by email that all the local teens are soaking their tampons in alcohol and inserting them anally to secretly get drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33797

You deserved it

2138

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By saranottelling | 7

#770816 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

Have them make you a wonderful French meal. The rat in Ratatouille did it...

By sakurag0525 | 0

#770833 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:13

get a cat...maybe a lot of them! XD

COMMENTS

By daniel1_1 | 13

#770810 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:07

FIRST!!!!!!!!1 and op your life sucks

Fminetoo | 0

#770861 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:25

Would you like a fuckin cookie?!?

iKaite | 0

#770924 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:55

or a brain?

Scorpio1989 | 0

#770941 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 0:04

or a pat on the back and a cookie?

minnieminroe | 0

#1005295 - Monday 24 May 2010 11:07

Eww!

By Loserguy139 | 6

#770811 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

ewwwwwwwwww

By saranottelling | 7

#770816 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:08

Have them make you a wonderful French meal. The rat in Ratatouille did it...

By logieebearr | 0

#770819 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:09

that's sick.

By Profkingfish | 0

#770827 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:11

AT least you know that your neighbors won't throw any loud parties!

By ScaryyMary | 14

#770828 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:11

Well, don't rat on them! >:O

...yeah, that was a lame pun. PUN-ishment, even.

Yeah? Yeah? No. :'(

The_Disturbed | 5

#771067 - Wednesday 13 January 2010 1:01

ScaryyMary, I like your jokes :D
Have a waffle from Kirby (>'')>#
Now the world is a slightly better place :D

And OP...That's pretty funny. Rats are surprisingly clean animals...they're just riddled with diseases and fleas. Noone likes diseases. Or fleas. So either way you look at it...it's kinda gross :P FYL

By sakurag0525 | 0

#770833 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:13

get a cat...maybe a lot of them! XD

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#770859 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:23

ewww, thats pretty scary

By me5 | 0

#770866 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:28

It's neighborS! Hi!

By ipwnallmen | 10

#770877 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 23:31

dang, i wouldve move outta there fast like speed of light.. well.. at least splinter has a healthy sex life.... O/o aww the turtles r gonna have lotsa half siblings to dote on ^^