Miscellaneous: Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this... - FML

By getmoneyab - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

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Moving day, grandma

Drunken antics

The grudge

By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By Jules - 12/1/2021 23:07

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

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By Thanks Trump - United States - New York

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

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By sexyyy - Belgium

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

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By midnightblade163 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

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By Natalie - United States - Odessa

Today, my father, who's never played much part in my life, told me how proud he is of me. I choked back tears, and we hugged for the first time in years. Later, I choked back my rage when I saw he'd opened my mail and obviously planned on leeching my new-found SSI money off me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

The sweet smell of success

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

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By knobbed - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

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By Grrr - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

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By licensed_ginger - United States - Barberton

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By Scarred - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

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By Amazon Ruined My Life

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

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By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By UnhappyLips

Today, the lip balms I ordered online finally arrived in the mail. After trying one out, my lips had an allergic reaction. It's a 4-pack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Gainesville

Go away, creep

Today, I learned that my stalker is still trying to weasel their way into my life even after they doxxed me, cyberstalked me, harassed me, threatened me, and attempted blackmail on me. All this just because I told them that their boyfriend groomed me when I was a minor. FML

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By abi_vet_student - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By thissinglelife - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

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By Why's it so cold in here? - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By WellThere'sThat

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been dating is heavily into a mystical card game and spends all of his money going to "Magic" card conventions across the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 08:00

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By Dan

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

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By justthinkofyourhand - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

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Top comments

By Tobunshi | 0

#244931 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:34

Dear women,
Men aren't as complicated as you think. Just say hi.
Love, men.

By kizz_fml | 0

#244843 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

Why would you need salt on your cheescake?

COMMENTS

By purple5 | 0

#244831 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:05

Haha, fail. You should've asked if you could get another drink or something :P

Reply

123whyme | 0

#2401232 - Monday 25 April 2011 6:37

you should've asked him if there was any pepper right after you asked for salt.

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3478294 - Sunday 23 October 2011 22:04

And i thought the cheese cake factory only existed only in the big bang theory

Reply

sockmonkey576 | 6

#4075862 - Thursday 23 February 2012 5:26

Dumbass.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6104394 - Thursday 30 October 2014 3:39

Nope, it's real. And it's delicious!

By ilikesexyparties | 0

#244836 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:06

what a line

By Kyothine | 0

#244842 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

Today, a girl asked me if I had any salt. It was right on the table. FML

LOLOLOL REVERSE FML IM SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!1

Reply

aoife123 | 0

#1024329 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 0:50

yeah, you're hilarious. :I

Reply

eehizle | 0

#1292513 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 2:57

it's ok, I think you are :)

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#3155086 - Monday 22 August 2011 0:30

Wow... Ive never seen a comment so painful to read in my life...

Reply

#5466913 - Saturday 27 April 2013 4:41

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PARTY!!!!

Reply

MilkyFilmz | 26

#5523089 - Thursday 6 June 2013 7:06

Please get off the site.

By kizz_fml | 0

#244843 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:08

Why would you need salt on your cheescake?

Reply

AtomicRebirth | 11

#2950844 - Friday 22 July 2011 10:38

Have you ever been to the Cheesecake Factory? They do serve more than just cheesecake.

Reply

cea99 | 0

#2960871 - Saturday 23 July 2011 23:10

Agreed with 123

Reply

sastgamer | 10

#6639446 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 20:41

They do?!

By ilikesexyparties | 0

#244849 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:09

they don't just have cheesecake, that's just their specialty

By Purane2forever | 0

#244864 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:13

clever AND original

By Shock98 | 0

#244867 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:14

#3: no. just... no.

OP: hahha. good line.

By Shirschfield | 0

#244871 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:15

Ha ha that makes me laugh

but THIS IS NOT A FML IT WAS THE DUDE'S FML, LETS SEE IF HE POSTS IT!

By Boogers | 0

#244879 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:18

WOW he must think that you are some creeper now...

By DieHard3 | 0

#244892 - Saturday 30 May 2009 16:21

Wow. You should brush up on your flirting skills. You should have said something like " Excuse me, how bout a handsome waiter to go with my delightful cheesecake?" But you screwed up big time. LOL. Its ok. Maybe another time.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3013586 - Monday 1 August 2011 8:51

thats just as bad as OP's... just sayin.

Reply

swimmer3141 | 10

#3143015 - Saturday 20 August 2011 1:33

I agree with #125. Asking for a handsome waiter would be implying that the one she has isn't handsome, so he'd probably get offended.