Miscellaneous: Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this...

By getmoneyab - 30/05/2009 06:42 - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 788

You deserved it 67 740

Miscellaneous

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 474

You deserved it 181

By awkward - 26/07/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 999

You deserved it 7 229

By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 23:27 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 203

You deserved it 4 199

Funny, thanks

By picklebug - 26/07/2013 16:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 163

You deserved it 10 151

By piratequeen - 07/08/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 027

You deserved it 7 051

By thelunarwolf - 02/03/2011 03:41

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 8 854

By a-non - 02/02/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 984

You deserved it 8 187

By Sariitaa_fml - 18/11/2017 19:00

Today, I was in the romantic section of a book store making fun of the titles. Thinking my friend was behind me, I read in a sexy voice, “Sleeping with a Stranger” and turned to laugh only to find the 70-year-old store manager smiling and winking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 793

You deserved it 1 475

Red Sox Nation

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 133

We're on a break

By col - 04/09/2020 01:56

Today, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me we needed a break, and that we could try again at the end of the year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 133

By thenanny - 15/08/2016 17:14 - United States - East Syracuse

Today, I got a very nice compliment on my bra. But it was from a five-year-old after her 6-month-old brother threw up on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 002

You deserved it 953

By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 067

You deserved it 80 245

By Noname - 10/03/2009 15:46 - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 210

You deserved it 69 441

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 08:49 - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 319

You deserved it 5 174

Hangry

By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 07/03/2014 02:52

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 136

You deserved it 9 307

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 884

You deserved it 1 485

Money money money

By hmmm - 01/10/2013 12:32 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 208

You deserved it 4 005

By Noname - 09/02/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 563

You deserved it 4 777

By wowzers0889 - 28/04/2012 21:21 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 669

You deserved it 7 504

By IGiveUp - 07/10/2018 13:30

Today, at work, I took a call from an angry customer. After listening to his problem and fully explaining how we could fix it, he called me a stupid girl and said I need more training as I obviously know nothing about my job. I'm the company training coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 935

You deserved it 200

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 06:26 - United States

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 256

You deserved it 29 036

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 482

You deserved it 18 700

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 20:25

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 669

You deserved it 238

By homeless4Christmas - 24/12/2009 05:54 - New Zealand

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 344

You deserved it 27 959

By LizLiao - 14/04/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 782

You deserved it 7 752

By kelscait - 01/07/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 956

You deserved it 57 211

By twitterfailsme - 04/11/2013 12:08 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I googled myself in preparation for my upcoming job interview. Turns out there's a girl on Twitter with my name and age who tweets nonstop about getting wasted and being on probation. She won't make her profile private. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 947

You deserved it 3 527

By clementine_k - 22/03/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 730

You deserved it 35 595

By weirdedout - 24/05/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 565

You deserved it 5 216

By a - 06/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 350

You deserved it 2 471

By NotRussian - 03/10/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 928

You deserved it 3 427

By KillMeNow - 06/06/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 117

You deserved it 12 096

By ug - 08/07/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 669

You deserved it 4 530

By GodDaughter - 20/09/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 530

You deserved it 9 942

By bucktooth - 26/04/2012 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 377

You deserved it 2 644

No future

By Bryan - 15/06/2021 16:00

Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 91

More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 143

By Depressed - 08/03/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 310

You deserved it 4 969

By yourmom - 21/09/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 951

You deserved it 9 499

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments