Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had... - FML

By Jason the flasher - 15/9/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Assumptions

You snooze, you lose

By Mj - 20/7/2016 00:28 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By CoCo - 22/11/2008 04:03 - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By fuckthat! - 13/11/2017 09:37 - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 07:33 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML

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By jennag5 - 24/3/2012 06:45 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By nick - 24/7/2012 00:52 - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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By clingmaster - 9/9/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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By DusterOverBits - 23/9/2009 09:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was home alone, and decided to do some naked cleaning just because I could. After half an hour of liberating nakie-dusting, I turn around to see my boyfriend and his best friend gaping at me open mouthed. His older brother however gave a creepy smile and the thumbs up. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 18:00

Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 07:42 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 16:18 - United States

Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2015 17:50 - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By twinArmageddon2 - 15/4/2014 06:04 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 23:16 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

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By AD240Z - 16/12/2016 11:39

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

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By onlywantuanyway - 5/9/2014 22:59

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By Asshole hornet - 28/10/2013 20:18 - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By scarred4life - 27/4/2011 14:05 - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By leftbehind - 10/6/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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By holycow - 22/2/2010 09:28 - United States

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/7/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By dontbuysamsung - 22/4/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

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By oh my fucking god - 10/7/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By Blah - 2/8/2018 05:00

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By Bec - 25/7/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML

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By loser - 2/3/2016 00:20 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

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By ringhider - 8/10/2010 16:55 - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2014 23:28 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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By Dulieu - 10/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By fml1977 - 4/3/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

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Top comments

By jsikes | 8

#7694022 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:48

Did you expect sympathy from anyone when you posted this?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7681068 - Thursday 23 August 2018 1:30

"I'm not really that small, I swear! It was the angle! And the lighting! And the room was cold... and I'd recently had sex... oh, and alcohol causes erection problems!"

Comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7681068 - Thursday 23 August 2018 1:30

"I'm not really that small, I swear! It was the angle! And the lighting! And the room was cold... and I'd recently had sex... oh, and alcohol causes erection problems!"

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7694058 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:43

"I was in the pool!!" -George Costanza

By real life problems | 26

#7694010 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:30

Birthday suit for a Birthday party. If that's wrong then I dont want to know what's right.

By julfunky | 29

#7694018 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:44

I’ll be honest, you sound like a fun person to party with.

By jsikes | 8

#7694022 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:48

Did you expect sympathy from anyone when you posted this?

By ojosRojos | 28

#7694025 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:51

This was 100% avoidable. I say you just roll with it and laugh it off. It’s a better option than complaining about what you did when you got yourself blackout drunk.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7694047 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:29

What a jerk to video you balls out drunkness!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7694062 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:48

Yeah that’s what I call a party! Your gf is awesome to film it and not stopping you

By pjsr | 32

#7694115 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:44

You people make drinking sound so fun

By Jerry Leberer | 12

#7694134 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:33

sounds like you shouldn't drink

By bigdaddyeric | 30

#7694154 - Sunday 16 September 2018 7:51

Been There, Done That Dude! Gimme A High Five 🙌