Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had... - FML

By Jason the flasher - 15/9/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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Out of it

Social distancing gone wrong

Great guy

By "deerling" - 18/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By hatesurf - 26/6/2009 17:23 - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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By sisisathief - 28/5/2017 08:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I caught my sister taking money from my wallet. When I confronted her, she claimed that she was actually putting back money that she had stolen earlier. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By SquishFish - 10/7/2019 14:05

Big nope

Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

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By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

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By ~~~ - 29/6/2014 17:08 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By SayItToMyFace - 11/11/2015 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By Wtfbruhimmovingout - 28/11/2015 02:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By meesa in big doo do dis time! - 13/6/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Stuck

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

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By makiju - 13/11/2012 21:23 - France - M?zi?res-sur-seine

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By AnnoyedWoman - 17/8/2014 10:19 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 02:00

It's a marathon, not a sprint

Today, I found out that the last girl from my graduating high school class is engaged to her boyfriend. I'm now the only guy from high school who's still single and I'm not even 30 yet. FML

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By Dilly - 10/10/2010 20:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss said he's worried about our network, because "Wifi's all in the air. People could spy on us from anywhere!" I sarcastically said "My god, you're right!" and suggested switching to tin-foil ethernet cables to stop the signal escaping. He told me to do it ASAP. This moron makes five times my salary. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 13:32 - India - Vijayawada

Dreams Never End

Today, I finally convinced my mother to allow me pursue my dream job after months of begging. I logged in to the college's website to register for the course and found that the final seat had been filled in today and I need to wait one more year for admission. FML

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By sasha625 - 22/12/2018 14:00

Today, I was running late for work. My windshield had completely frozen over. I didn’t have anything to dissolve the ice..except some coffee I had made 30 minutes earlier. I decided to dump my coffee on my windshield. Instead of dissolving the ice, the creamer froze on entire windshield. FML

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By flying solo - 28/1/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

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By Awkward - 14/4/2016 00:29 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was caller number nine on the radio, meaning I technically won the contest. I was too awkward, so they hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

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By OhhhNooo - 14/3/2010 23:23 - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

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By anonymous - 3/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By Sal - 9/2/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2010 05:40 - United States

Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

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By kazmatazz - 17/5/2012 10:33 - Oman

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

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By haveahappyperiod - 4/10/2013 09:39

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

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By skywayavenue - 19/3/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

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By Stuck - 8/9/2011 10:00 - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 13:27 - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

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By dca101 - 20/3/2013 02:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By theholt - 1/3/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

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Top comments

By jsikes | 8

#7694022 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:48

Did you expect sympathy from anyone when you posted this?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7681068 - Thursday 23 August 2018 1:30

"I'm not really that small, I swear! It was the angle! And the lighting! And the room was cold... and I'd recently had sex... oh, and alcohol causes erection problems!"

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7681068 - Thursday 23 August 2018 1:30

"I'm not really that small, I swear! It was the angle! And the lighting! And the room was cold... and I'd recently had sex... oh, and alcohol causes erection problems!"

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7694058 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:43

"I was in the pool!!" -George Costanza

By real life problems | 26

#7694010 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:30

Birthday suit for a Birthday party. If that's wrong then I dont want to know what's right.

By julfunky | 29

#7694018 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:44

I’ll be honest, you sound like a fun person to party with.

By jsikes | 8

#7694022 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:48

Did you expect sympathy from anyone when you posted this?

By ojosRojos | 28

#7694025 - Saturday 15 September 2018 22:51

This was 100% avoidable. I say you just roll with it and laugh it off. It’s a better option than complaining about what you did when you got yourself blackout drunk.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7694047 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:29

What a jerk to video you balls out drunkness!

By melisssa87 | 30

#7694062 - Saturday 15 September 2018 23:48

Yeah that’s what I call a party! Your gf is awesome to film it and not stopping you

By pjsr | 32

#7694115 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:44

You people make drinking sound so fun

By Jerry Leberer | 12

#7694134 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:33

sounds like you shouldn't drink

By bigdaddyeric | 30

#7694154 - Sunday 16 September 2018 7:51

Been There, Done That Dude! Gimme A High Five 🙌