Intimacy and Health: Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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Taking stock

Healthy relationship

Basic Instinct

By runfattyrun - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

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By FitnessFirst - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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By Anonymous

Check out Mr. Moneybags over here!

Today, I found out that my wife has been getting rid of every single item of clothing I didn’t compliment her on. This has probably cost me thousands already. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 17:02 - United States

No friends left

Today, I’ve dreamt of going back to high school so many times, every morning I wake up thinking I finished it twice and still have all my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

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By fxck - South Africa - Durban

Today, while walking home, I passed some guy loudly whining that foreign imports are destroying our economy, and that we should all be deported. When I pointed out that the mobile phone in his hand was clearly a Samsung, he turned bright red and punched me in the gut. FML

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By moneyman22 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

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By bluewinter - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By dumbass724 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

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By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By fifthtimesacharm

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

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By gotmon3y - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By paulcorrea95 - United States

Boozing on the job

Today, I was at work, cleaning up a construction site. I picked up a beer can and accidentally spilled some of it on me. My boss came in to check on me and thought I was drunk. Instead of getting a raise, I was fired. FML

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By reserved - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By meme71

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By anon - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while teaching my kindergarten class, I had a feeling I was starting my period again. A boy in the class asked me what a period was. Stressing over my own, I briefly told him it's a woman's time of the month when they have mood swings. He was asking about the dot at the end of a sentence. FML

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By Good Parenting? - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By number2 - United States

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

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By h

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By StupidBerk - United Kingdom

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

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By MonieIndmiddle

Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By who_cares - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7686937 - Sunday 2 September 2018 20:28

Like father, like son. Although your professor's presence, in relation to yourself, is an anomaly. Please explain how one would overcome such a discrepancy, and don't forget to cite your examples. This is worth 50% of your final grade.

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7688928 - Thursday 6 September 2018 22:28

On second thought, a porn addiction doesn’t sound that bad. Let’s stay away from this support group...

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7686937 - Sunday 2 September 2018 20:28

Like father, like son. Although your professor's presence, in relation to yourself, is an anomaly. Please explain how one would overcome such a discrepancy, and don't forget to cite your examples. This is worth 50% of your final grade.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#7689016 - Friday 7 September 2018 4:57

You should change your profile picture to the brazzers logo just for this comment.

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689147 - Friday 7 September 2018 13:09

Unfortunately, FML doesn't work like that. I'd have to keep it that way. And I like my Cartman meme. We're kin.

By MannyWasHere | 12

#7688928 - Thursday 6 September 2018 22:28

On second thought, a porn addiction doesn’t sound that bad. Let’s stay away from this support group...

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7688941 - Thursday 6 September 2018 22:58

Sounds like a small world between those who come clean about their pornography addictions.

By chosha_fml | 25

#7688953 - Thursday 6 September 2018 23:41

Sounds like you live in Utah.

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#7690927 - Monday 10 September 2018 19:24

I was gunna make a Mormon joke too.

By Abbusser | 9

#7688985 - Friday 7 September 2018 1:39

Did you exchange favorite websites?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7688993 - Friday 7 September 2018 3:06

Ask your dad about the best MILF sites, and if your mom is on display there.

You may want to avoid/bookmark that site, depending on your freakiness level.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7689017 - Friday 7 September 2018 4:59

What in the absolute hell...?

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7689037 - Friday 7 September 2018 6:22

Daaang!! So much for Porn Addicts Anonymous

By davek | 36

#7689064 - Friday 7 September 2018 8:32

Your life sucks, and so does the chick in the video.

By lexos | 16

#7689143 - Friday 7 September 2018 13:03

You can always try the nofap or no porn section on reddit

By slytheryn | 14

#7689256 - Friday 7 September 2018 17:29

Now that’s Hilarious!!!