Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17707

You deserved it

95143

Tweet

Share

You can't win sometimes

Body issues

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1995

You deserved it

353

Tweet

Share

By ouch - 13/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39894

You deserved it

4675

Tweet

Share

By Username - 24/12/2010 23:49 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15918

You deserved it

27172

Tweet

Share

By jameen - 7/5/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14619

You deserved it

1007

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2014 20:23 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50257

You deserved it

33787

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 09:12 - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38249

You deserved it

3134

Tweet

Share

By sprained neck - 24/11/2015 05:49

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22769

You deserved it

1497

Tweet

Share

By Karaline45 - 15/12/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2516

You deserved it

334

Tweet

Share

By Pickle - 6/7/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I finally got around to doing laundry. The washing machines in my condominium building take about an hour to do a load. When I returned to throw my clothes in a dryer, I realized they were never washed in the first place. I used my card and detergent to pay for another person's laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11934

You deserved it

31988

Tweet

Share

By carnivore - 22/9/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68346

You deserved it

5865

Tweet

Share

By fmlalways - 22/1/2011 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56523

You deserved it

5102

Tweet

Share

By unendowed - 18/3/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30222

You deserved it

11603

Tweet

Share

By allalone - 14/7/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27256

You deserved it

45201

Tweet

Share

By ouch - 15/9/2019 00:01

Scratch that

Today, after 4 days of using anti-itch cream for what pharmacists and nurses have called “an allergic reaction”, I was diagnosed with shingles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1529

You deserved it

95

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32295

You deserved it

2091

Tweet

Share

By Adan - 4/12/2012 21:34 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13614

You deserved it

25056

Tweet

Share

By upsetandunjustified - 4/11/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26730

You deserved it

6326

Tweet

Share

By Therapy needed urgently - 8/4/2018 19:00

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5442

You deserved it

401

Tweet

Share

By Matt - 29/8/2010 04:53 - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32611

You deserved it

5003

Tweet

Share

By homework - 21/7/2009 07:34 - India

Today, whilst cleaning out his desk, my dad "accidentally" threw away my summer homework. That's 100 pages, over a duration of 2 months. School starts in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56689

You deserved it

6318

Tweet

Share

By stupid - 7/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8720

You deserved it

68376

Tweet

Share

By Matt - 12/8/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43922

You deserved it

2659

Tweet

Share

By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41204

You deserved it

10832

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34005

You deserved it

3184

Tweet

Share

By kris - 22/8/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33670

You deserved it

2733

Tweet

Share

By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10401

You deserved it

75232

Tweet

Share

By dejected - 28/2/2010 01:32 - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30151

You deserved it

6702

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8640

You deserved it

62335

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 05:05 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21861

You deserved it

1554

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49187

You deserved it

15729

Tweet

Share

By boyo - 21/5/2009 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13278

You deserved it

81785

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35610

You deserved it

4212

Tweet

Share

By HotelNA614 - 1/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3519

You deserved it

199

Tweet

Share

By drop dead single - 22/11/2014 13:44 - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39073

You deserved it

4440

Tweet

Share

By Melissa Barrios - 15/7/2019 16:00

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1589

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By shellski - 21/1/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know..." and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30246

You deserved it

2286

Tweet

Share

By oppsiedaisey - 2/9/2019 12:00

Finally!

Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1852

You deserved it

311

Tweet

Share

By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29745

You deserved it

2509

Tweet

Share

By MouseChaser - 26/11/2009 09:22 - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11925

You deserved it

28183

Tweet

Share

By Jeepers - 29/6/2009 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19038

You deserved it

41722

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Kcired | 0

#279456 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:14

YDI

and its stupid, if you have feelings for him, dont you think making out with someone else would completely blow him off???

why dont you.. oh i dont know.. TALK to him?

By Ughsucks | 0

#279449 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Yes because the best solution to an ex being around is to make out with someone you've never seen before.

Clearly your deduction is faultless.

Comments

By BaldOuting | 0

#279443 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:12

guess your plan backfired!

By dancing_bear | 0

#279448 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Voted fyl because someone threw up in your mouth. Your plan might have been childish but you didn't deserve that D:

Reply

Offspring_fml | 27

#614706 - Sunday 11 October 2009 5:13

I don't see why you (OP) thought making out with a stranger would fix your issues with your ex since you apparently like him. That was pretty dumb, YDI.

By Ughsucks | 0

#279449 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Yes because the best solution to an ex being around is to make out with someone you've never seen before.

Clearly your deduction is faultless.

By Kcired | 0

#279456 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:14

YDI

and its stupid, if you have feelings for him, dont you think making out with someone else would completely blow him off???

why dont you.. oh i dont know.. TALK to him?

Reply

DynamicDave | 11

#1767830 - Monday 29 November 2010 13:09

^^^ This. The "make him jealous" trick never works.

By toastywafers | 0

#279461 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

That's nasty

By AlexZB | 0

#279462 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

karmas a bitch

By CodeMonkey123 | 0

#279469 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

Whore much? YDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

By mendij | 0

#279470 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:16

#4 agreed.

By dotVillain | 1

#279481 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:17

People like you are the shit of the world. Rather than moving on, you try and hurt the person you still have feelings for. YDI.

Karma is a bitch.

By justlooking | 0

#279487 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:18

Let karma handle it by itself. Trying to create karma is only going to make things worse on yourself. YDI.