Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who... - FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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Family values

Season finale

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 4/6/2011 00:41 - United States

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

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By Drill Drilled - 15/4/2015 22:12 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:22 - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By mafille - 19/3/2015 03:22 - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

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By allgrowedup - 12/2/2011 03:10 - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

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By MommyProblems - 19/1/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By ananomoose - 15/4/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

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By xsnqw - 19/1/2016 22:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

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By badtiming - 15/9/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By Tai - 31/10/2010 13:30 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 13:24 - Ireland

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

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By Alicia - 13/5/2010 22:49 - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By scared and alone - 13/3/2015 18:47 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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By confsused - 16/12/2013 17:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

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By Tyrez - 14/8/2015 23:38 - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

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By OhGreat - 30/4/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, my dad went through my room while I was out and threw away the "inappropriate pictures" that he found. They're the nudes I've been working on for art class. FML

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By Rita - 10/12/2008 04:58 - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

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By neta_1996 - 3/1/2014 02:06 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By happyeffingbday202 - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

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By thefuck - 30/6/2013 22:08 - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By shawnsmuffins - 20/3/2015 02:23 - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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By Realworldred - 18/6/2015 03:50 - United States - Scranton

Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML

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By Oops - 6/2/2010 08:17 - Australia

Today, I was talking to a female friend online. She was typing out a story bit by bit about how awful she was feeling after being teased. I was responding with "So, so true" but because of my slow typing it appeared after she wrote, "Doesn't help being fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 16:01 - United States - Walker

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

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By Username - 29/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding and was shocked that the cop asked me out. Before I could respond, he noticed my wedding ring, said "Nevermind" and then gave me a ticket. FML

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By litterbox_girl - 19/8/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house while his plumbing was being redone. I really had to pee, but the toilet wasn't working, so I peed in his cat's litterbox. His cat got defensive, and started attacking me while I peed. My boyfriend walked in and saw the whole thing. FML

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By alejandro38 - 11/7/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I had an interview. I didn't get the job because apparently customers might not understand me, since I "talk too good." I just graduated with an English degree. FML

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By notanidiot - 20/6/2012 12:46 - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By blocked_by_fire - 17/4/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

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By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

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By kwill256 - 15/9/2016 10:21 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - 23/10/2016 17:18 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

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By badbirthday - 16/3/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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Top comments

By Kcired | 0

#279456 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:14

YDI

and its stupid, if you have feelings for him, dont you think making out with someone else would completely blow him off???

why dont you.. oh i dont know.. TALK to him?

By Ughsucks | 0

#279449 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Yes because the best solution to an ex being around is to make out with someone you've never seen before.

Clearly your deduction is faultless.

COMMENTS

By BaldOuting | 0

#279443 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:12

guess your plan backfired!

By dancing_bear | 0

#279448 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Voted fyl because someone threw up in your mouth. Your plan might have been childish but you didn't deserve that D:

Reply

Offspring_fml | 27

#614706 - Sunday 11 October 2009 5:13

I don't see why you (OP) thought making out with a stranger would fix your issues with your ex since you apparently like him. That was pretty dumb, YDI.

By Ughsucks | 0

#279449 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:13

Yes because the best solution to an ex being around is to make out with someone you've never seen before.

Clearly your deduction is faultless.

By Kcired | 0

#279456 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:14

YDI

and its stupid, if you have feelings for him, dont you think making out with someone else would completely blow him off???

why dont you.. oh i dont know.. TALK to him?

Reply

DynamicDave | 11

#1767830 - Monday 29 November 2010 13:09

^^^ This. The "make him jealous" trick never works.

By toastywafers | 0

#279461 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

That's nasty

By AlexZB | 0

#279462 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

karmas a bitch

By CodeMonkey123 | 0

#279469 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:15

Whore much? YDI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

By mendij | 0

#279470 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:16

#4 agreed.

By dotVillain | 1

#279481 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:17

People like you are the shit of the world. Rather than moving on, you try and hurt the person you still have feelings for. YDI.

Karma is a bitch.

By justlooking | 0

#279487 - Sunday 7 June 2009 20:18

Let karma handle it by itself. Trying to create karma is only going to make things worse on yourself. YDI.