Health: Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

By gumless - United States

Today, I tried whitening my teeth with an off-brand product. It didn't whiten my teeth, but it did burn parts of my gums off. FML

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By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Harvey knicks grandad - 10/2/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom

Father of the year

Today, my son told me he failed to get into the army, which I didn’t know he was trying to do. Apparently he thought playing Call of Duty non-stop counted as "experience" and that he’d become an officer rank straight away, despite being 10-stone overweight with the brains of a tree stump FML

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By Moron - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

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By Sod's Law in action

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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By neighbor - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

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By eatmywords - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By joshua - United States

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

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By single - United States - Hurricane

Today, my ex boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

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By Twiddle - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By Single - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

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By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By thanks, my fellow americans - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

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By ihpgolj - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

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By wolfwhowanders - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML

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By amiliaroberts123 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

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By GodDamnFan - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

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By notsomuch - United States

Say Anything 2.0

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

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By Traumatized - Israel

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By JellitonOctopus - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

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By Smashed - United States

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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By feelinblue - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By booearns - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By Erin - 22/4/2021 17:01 - United States - Pompton Plains

Gratitude walks

Today, after drawing a huge portrait of a homeless man to raise awareness about homelessness, I showed it to him. When I told him I was glad he liked the drawing, he groped me. FML

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By wtf bro?!

Today, I got a Facebook message from a guy from my old school. I didn’t remember him, but I replied anyway. When I checked my phone after work, I had 73 new messages that went from, “How have you been?” to, “Fuck you ugly cockteasing whore,” and ended with, “You better hope I don’t catch you!” FML

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By Rory - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, after several years of reforming myself politically, I married a black woman. At the wedding, when the priest asked for objections, one man stood up - the leader of my former Ku Klux Klan chapter. I really should have mentioned that earlier. FML

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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Top comments

By xGolBLiiN | 1

#3226597 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:15

should of yelled in pleasure acting like you have some weird turnstile fetish... thats how i get my girls

By Madrias | 36

#3226529 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:10

I guess it just wasn't your lucky day for a ball game...

COMMENTS

By Madrias | 36

#3226529 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:10

I guess it just wasn't your lucky day for a ball game...

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3226604 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:16

Suggestion: PUTDOWNDAFORK!!!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3226634 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:18

4- People can eat with their hands, you know.

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3226647 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:19

people can also eat with their mouths... although that is usually how people eat.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3226753 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:29

Troll has been trolled. :|

You deserve a thumbs up my friend.
I have absolutely no response for that without me looking like a douche (that never happens), to be straight up honest.

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#3227043 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:18

Five full minutes and nobody helped you? Damn.

fakeaccountX | 6

#3236518 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:35

Gee, and I bet your team lost that game too.

By mrpuffypants | 0

#3226588 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:14

OP knows how to get attention

By xGolBLiiN | 1

#3226597 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:15

should of yelled in pleasure acting like you have some weird turnstile fetish... thats how i get my girls

MD_DILF | 4

#3227046 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:18

whatever, you get no girls!

xGolBLiiN | 1

#3227064 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:20

22 - you'd be surprised

ItsTheKing | 10

#3227102 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:29

@22 he's not kidding man. It works everytime. Took the chick I picked up at walmart from me last week with that method. Bastards a sheer genius.

DaySetsFire | 2

#3227228 - Saturday 3 September 2011 9:03

Damn I thought chloroform was the best way to get women. Teach me more sensei.

daydreamer244 | 13

#3227439 - Saturday 3 September 2011 10:37

whatever you say chicken man

By livlafluv100 | 2

#3226640 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:18

Somebody is probably laughing about that right now. I wouldn't be too embarrassed. You made a lot of people laugh :)

justanotherhuman | 21

#3230456 - Saturday 3 September 2011 22:32

^ this. :-D

By mzblondiee | 0

#3226665 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:20

What is a t u r n s t i l e ?

mzblondiee | 0

#3226732 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:26

Ah ha!:) I googled it homie hah

maz_irken | 6

#3226751 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:28

maz_irken | 6

#3226763 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:31

That was an accident :/

By maz_irken | 6

#3226757 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:30

Did it show on the big scream?

slushpup9696 | 12

#3227400 - Saturday 3 September 2011 10:24

No, just on the little scream.

By BroSkii69 | 8

#3226812 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:38

Flail, twist and pull out so you can see men stealing bases...I see

By Kirashai | 9

#3226839 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:43

very graceful.

By newkidontheblock_fml | 1

#3226909 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:54

"um, that was hawk-ward"

daAce77 | 8

#3228134 - Saturday 3 September 2011 15:43

Omg that was great!

By ladiesman219 | 4

#3226914 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:54

Looks like u "stole" the show

ifknh8usernames | 7

#3226971 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:05

"I don't get it.."

Mysanitywins | 10

#3227026 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:13

Fail.

ladiesman219 | 4

#3245132 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 7:27

Cuz people in baseball steal bases.