Health: Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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Health

Messed up

Rock, hard place

Creepy idea, dude

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By thanksdad - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

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By Nickel

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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By Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

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By dumped and dusted - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By insomnia - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Forever Alone

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

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By NotYourTracy

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

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By Mojo - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By Sarsippius

Today, I took a nap, and I had a dream that my ex-girlfriend got back together with me. I woke up in a great mood. When I went back to bed, I dreamed that she broke up with me, again. FML

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By hiccups - United States - New York

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

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By lonergirl - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By shaving kit

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

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By Tbelle

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

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By - 2/2/2020 18:00

Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By mulligan - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Laundrylady - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 05:00

Bad encounter

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a called street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature and we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay and he made my kids cry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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By Anonimo - Italy - Monserrato

Today, after a year of living with my boyfriend at our new place, he told me that he wants to sell our house and live in a trailer, so he can be closer to his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

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By Anonymous

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

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By loser - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

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By Amanda - Canada

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

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By MonsterInLaw - United States - Lincoln

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

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Top comments

By xGolBLiiN | 1

#3226597 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:15

should of yelled in pleasure acting like you have some weird turnstile fetish... thats how i get my girls

By Madrias | 36

#3226529 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:10

I guess it just wasn't your lucky day for a ball game...

COMMENTS

By Madrias | 36

#3226529 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:10

I guess it just wasn't your lucky day for a ball game...

ripgeorgecarl1n | 7

#3226604 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:16

Suggestion: PUTDOWNDAFORK!!!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3226634 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:18

4- People can eat with their hands, you know.

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3226647 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:19

people can also eat with their mouths... although that is usually how people eat.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3226753 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:29

Troll has been trolled. :|

You deserve a thumbs up my friend.
I have absolutely no response for that without me looking like a douche (that never happens), to be straight up honest.

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#3227043 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:18

Five full minutes and nobody helped you? Damn.

fakeaccountX | 6

#3236518 - Monday 5 September 2011 1:35

Gee, and I bet your team lost that game too.

By mrpuffypants | 0

#3226588 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:14

OP knows how to get attention

By xGolBLiiN | 1

#3226597 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:15

should of yelled in pleasure acting like you have some weird turnstile fetish... thats how i get my girls

MD_DILF | 4

#3227046 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:18

whatever, you get no girls!

xGolBLiiN | 1

#3227064 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:20

22 - you'd be surprised

ItsTheKing | 10

#3227102 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:29

@22 he's not kidding man. It works everytime. Took the chick I picked up at walmart from me last week with that method. Bastards a sheer genius.

DaySetsFire | 2

#3227228 - Saturday 3 September 2011 9:03

Damn I thought chloroform was the best way to get women. Teach me more sensei.

daydreamer244 | 13

#3227439 - Saturday 3 September 2011 10:37

whatever you say chicken man

By livlafluv100 | 2

#3226640 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:18

Somebody is probably laughing about that right now. I wouldn't be too embarrassed. You made a lot of people laugh :)

justanotherhuman | 21

#3230456 - Saturday 3 September 2011 22:32

^ this. :-D

By mzblondiee | 0

#3226665 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:20

What is a t u r n s t i l e ?

mzblondiee | 0

#3226732 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:26

Ah ha!:) I googled it homie hah

maz_irken | 6

#3226751 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:28

maz_irken | 6

#3226763 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:31

That was an accident :/

By maz_irken | 6

#3226757 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:30

Did it show on the big scream?

slushpup9696 | 12

#3227400 - Saturday 3 September 2011 10:24

No, just on the little scream.

By BroSkii69 | 8

#3226812 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:38

Flail, twist and pull out so you can see men stealing bases...I see

By Kirashai | 9

#3226839 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:43

very graceful.

By newkidontheblock_fml | 1

#3226909 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:54

"um, that was hawk-ward"

daAce77 | 8

#3228134 - Saturday 3 September 2011 15:43

Omg that was great!

By ladiesman219 | 4

#3226914 - Saturday 3 September 2011 7:54

Looks like u "stole" the show

ifknh8usernames | 7

#3226971 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:05

"I don't get it.."

Mysanitywins | 10

#3227026 - Saturday 3 September 2011 8:13

Fail.

ladiesman219 | 4

#3245132 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 7:27

Cuz people in baseball steal bases.