Miscellaneous: Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach...

By Noname - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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Miscellaneous

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Life of Brian

Bass, how low can you go?

By Gennifer - United States - Hackensack

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought a pipe was going to burst in my shower because it was making such a loud rumbling so I called my boyfriend freaking out telling him I didnt know what to do. After taking a second to look a little harder, I realized it was my vibrating razor against the shower wall. FML

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By nofriends - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

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By Brandon - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

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By AnonWife - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

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By Eddie B

Scammed

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

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By Sophies - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML

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By carpetoops - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

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By truckstopworker

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By nametag - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By afraidtoburn - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By licensed_ginger - United States - Barberton

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By Cacahuete - France - Villejuif

Today, a DJ friend of mine offered me a part in one of his tracks. I was flattered, and accepted. All I ended up singing was, "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch" over and over again in the background. FML

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By Disappointed - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

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By bad poet - United States - Millerton

Today, my boyfriend asked me to write him a poem, as I am an avid writer. Happily, I agreed. After hours of working, I proudly presented it to him. He read it, laughed, and said, "No babe, I meant a real poem." Maybe I should rethink my career choice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By badbed - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

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By nicklesg - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By hi - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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By no boobies - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

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By bad sis sad sis - 24/9/2020 02:01

Snitches get stitches

Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML

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By Donnie

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By delamer - United States

Today, I found out we have new neighbors in our apartment complex that park in the stall next to our truck. Turns out their car is the same make of our truck. And it also turns out that when I unlock our truck it will set off their car alarm - every time. FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By Fwick - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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By malcolmXXX - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

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By whowhat - United States

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

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By Fraser - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

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By erectioninfection - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By Bareassed - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. They wanted me to stand underneath this big bucket filled with water. I didn't know it tips over, and my swimsuit isn't the tightest, so when all the water fell down, my swimsuit bottoms fell to my knees in front of tons of kids. FML

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Top comments

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

COMMENTS

By rofliloveyou | 0

#28832 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:11

aw, well that's what you get for choosing the prettier one..

imthestory | 0

#1007491 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 5:36

this reminds me of jackass....

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111780 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 2:03

more like dumb and dumber!

WTSchool | 0

#1278367 - Saturday 21 August 2010 3:41

You went in the 'prettier one'?
YDI for not knowing that new toilets usually look 'prettier' than old ones.

KUSHaholic | 0

#2148871 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:05

similar to how we choose females these days lol tha prettier ones be tha wrong ones most tha time hahaa

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2966956 - Sunday 24 July 2011 22:12

if it wasn't connected there would be no water, I'm guessing op had to go pretty bad to not notice that

grimes5 | 0

#4140376 - Friday 9 March 2012 9:53

I was thinking the same thing. Plus, it wouldn't be near the plumbing because I bet he knew where the old toilet originally would be. YDI OP

laya_fml | 26

#5361075 - Saturday 9 February 2013 19:39

I agree. If you knew you were going to muck it up with all your crap, why would you pick the pretty one

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887771 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:11

probably fake toilets have no water in them unroll they are connected

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887780 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:12

oops i actually meant untill

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

MiGman | 5

#1112151 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:23

well #3 when you feel shitty and have to drop a duece I'm pretty sure you wouldn't look to ser if there's water in the crapper

Clioo_fml | 17

#5162795 - Monday 19 November 2012 5:12

Well then 79, if you're that desperate for a dump then you probably wouldn't care about 'sitting on the prettiest one' either.

By scarlett_fml | 0

#28855 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

If it wasn't connected, there wouldn't have been water. Owned.

By kagome_eb | 0

#28856 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

hahaha aww would of happen to anyone! don't worry to much about it.

By RHK_fml | 0

#28858 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1014644 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:31

how do u know it's s girl??doesn't say

gunnar7240 | 0

#2647389 - Thursday 9 June 2011 10:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

pam241 | 15

#5711727 - Friday 11 October 2013 4:03

you're an idiot

By maddcow | 0

#28866 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:26

#6 i was gonna comment how u knew it was a woman... then i realized, a real man wouldnt make that mistake

By maconmann | 0

#28875 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:29

I would have just left it there and blamed the dog.

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#28884 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:34

how many people have two toilets in their bathrooms? wouldn't you wonder just from that? and, like 3 said, there should've been water. do girls not look at the toilet before they sit down? i guess that's why they whine about falling in.