Miscellaneous: Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach...

By Noname - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58911

You deserved it

31246

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Understandable

Free healthcare for all

Seize the means of production

By chamberpottime - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22118

You deserved it

1477

Favorite

By - 29/2/2020 14:00

Why I did that?

Today, I was trying to shave down there. I'm about 6 months pregnant, and I can't see past my belly. I ended up scaring the crap out of myself into thinking I was miscarrying until my baby kicked and I realized I had just accidentally cut myself with the razor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1286

You deserved it

754

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/6/2020 05:04

Acceptance

Today, I can't look my roommate in the eye because he walked in on me showing my drag friends my new dress on Discord last night. My roommate is really conservative. We used to get along so well too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1445

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Du Quoin

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57779

You deserved it

3439

Favorite

By nomorecleanballs4u - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5725

You deserved it

679

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35026

You deserved it

6427

Favorite

By fartbucket51995129565 - United States - New York

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51553

You deserved it

6789

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Hillsboro

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21526

You deserved it

2079

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28011

You deserved it

11907

Favorite

By Crish - 22/11/2020 05:05 - Italy

Simple plan

Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1451

You deserved it

135

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1290

You deserved it

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13630

You deserved it

31001

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29541

You deserved it

5782

Favorite

By Anonymous

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3691

You deserved it

168

Favorite

By mcpeepants - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36173

You deserved it

2675

Favorite

By laterchoice - United States

Today, my girlfriend informed me that she is still in love with the guy she cheated on me with. She admitted that she would be willing to do anything with him if he wanted to. And, "He's a better kisser too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36079

You deserved it

5250

Favorite

By fuckcops - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22740

You deserved it

29589

Favorite

By - 27/2/2020 20:00

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

696

You deserved it

1886

Favorite

By hopelesscollegechick - United States - Alexander City

Today, I gave a presentation about how teachers don't intervene enough when students are being bullied. Afterwards, I was practically bullied by my teacher for "not choosing a serious topic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52971

You deserved it

5975

Favorite

By brokenheart

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4309

You deserved it

267

Favorite

By Kim - United States

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52679

You deserved it

4862

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32324

You deserved it

5457

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44624

You deserved it

4337

Favorite

By pontwa - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30089

You deserved it

1890

Favorite

By Decisions6 - 16/4/2020 05:00 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1420

You deserved it

283

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48398

You deserved it

3484

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43921

You deserved it

4279

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1536

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63570

You deserved it

40201

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41098

You deserved it

7924

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers thought I had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2659

You deserved it

1470

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Baxter

Today, I found out my old DVD player is jealous of my Blu-ray player. It fell from the top of my closet and hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39169

You deserved it

7573

Favorite

By anonymous - United States - Casper

Today, I let my dad put my dollar in the slot machine for me because I'm not old enough to gamble. I won $200 but he kept it because he "put the dollar in the slot machine." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54462

You deserved it

10261

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58011

You deserved it

7219

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

46758

You deserved it

25749

Favorite

By grossfoot - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26856

You deserved it

9399

Favorite

By ShittyKeys - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30340

You deserved it

5480

Favorite

By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2583

You deserved it

367

Favorite

By MB101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20170

You deserved it

5285

Favorite

By brycepetrillo - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67061

You deserved it

3961

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

COMMENTS

By rofliloveyou | 0

#28832 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:11

aw, well that's what you get for choosing the prettier one..

imthestory | 0

#1007491 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 5:36

this reminds me of jackass....

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111780 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 2:03

more like dumb and dumber!

WTSchool | 0

#1278367 - Saturday 21 August 2010 3:41

You went in the 'prettier one'?
YDI for not knowing that new toilets usually look 'prettier' than old ones.

KUSHaholic | 0

#2148871 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:05

similar to how we choose females these days lol tha prettier ones be tha wrong ones most tha time hahaa

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2966956 - Sunday 24 July 2011 22:12

if it wasn't connected there would be no water, I'm guessing op had to go pretty bad to not notice that

grimes5 | 0

#4140376 - Friday 9 March 2012 9:53

I was thinking the same thing. Plus, it wouldn't be near the plumbing because I bet he knew where the old toilet originally would be. YDI OP

laya_fml | 26

#5361075 - Saturday 9 February 2013 19:39

I agree. If you knew you were going to muck it up with all your crap, why would you pick the pretty one

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887771 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:11

probably fake toilets have no water in them unroll they are connected

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887780 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:12

oops i actually meant untill

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

MiGman | 5

#1112151 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:23

well #3 when you feel shitty and have to drop a duece I'm pretty sure you wouldn't look to ser if there's water in the crapper

Clioo_fml | 17

#5162795 - Monday 19 November 2012 5:12

Well then 79, if you're that desperate for a dump then you probably wouldn't care about 'sitting on the prettiest one' either.

By scarlett_fml | 0

#28855 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

If it wasn't connected, there wouldn't have been water. Owned.

By kagome_eb | 0

#28856 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

hahaha aww would of happen to anyone! don't worry to much about it.

By RHK_fml | 0

#28858 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1014644 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:31

how do u know it's s girl??doesn't say

gunnar7240 | 0

#2647389 - Thursday 9 June 2011 10:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

pam241 | 15

#5711727 - Friday 11 October 2013 4:03

you're an idiot

By maddcow | 0

#28866 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:26

#6 i was gonna comment how u knew it was a woman... then i realized, a real man wouldnt make that mistake

By maconmann | 0

#28875 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:29

I would have just left it there and blamed the dog.

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#28884 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:34

how many people have two toilets in their bathrooms? wouldn't you wonder just from that? and, like 3 said, there should've been water. do girls not look at the toilet before they sit down? i guess that's why they whine about falling in.