Miscellaneous: Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach...

By Noname - 12/03/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 939

You deserved it 31 283

Miscellaneous

Mother of the year

Age difference

Broken heart

By calidreaming - 09/05/2012 14:40 - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 411

You deserved it 2 691

By god - 29/04/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Livingston

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 147

You deserved it 5 520

By plantfood - 06/01/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 955

You deserved it 6 310

GPS FML

By lostinthewoods - 30/05/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 345

By bTOhno - 13/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 980

You deserved it 4 715

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 062

You deserved it 6 775

What should I do?

By Anonymous - 08/12/2019 20:00

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 119

You deserved it 547

By me - 16/01/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 446

You deserved it 3 458

By chacha - 28/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 384

You deserved it 5 490

Definitely confusing

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 10:00 - United States

Today, I lost my job, neither by quitting or getting fired. I don't know whether to be mad or confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 67

By ofcourse - 13/09/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 815

You deserved it 2 607

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 105

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 58 660

By Jess - 04/05/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 775

You deserved it 3 529

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - 16/06/2009 00:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 045

You deserved it 6 586

The difference

By Robyn_mori - 31/01/2020 05:00 - Canada

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 835

You deserved it 457

By anonymous - 26/01/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 121

You deserved it 5 625

By chieftain - 09/05/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 186

You deserved it 5 661

By sadlife - 09/07/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 266

You deserved it 66 380

Hiking is so much fun!

By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 149

Kids…

By Satan'sChildren - 28/04/2013 02:30 - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 523

You deserved it 3 245

By DestinyJoy - 10/01/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 291

You deserved it 1 868

By tayluh26 - 15/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 596

You deserved it 15 947

By snowinggrey - 19/02/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 732

You deserved it 11 793

By Anonymous - 05/09/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. I'm really poor and don't have a television or nice clothing, so they just dumped my trash all over the house and stole my one loaf of bread that was supposed to last me for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 791

You deserved it 158

Procrastination

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 17:01 - Germany

Today, I planned a busy day of errands: cycle 16 km, pick up a thing I bought online, go to the gas station, pharmacy and 3 different shops. I’m totally exhausted now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to actually do all those things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 291

You deserved it 2 586

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 241

You deserved it 3 228

By SimpleSadie - 22/04/2017 16:00

Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 616

You deserved it 461

By InnocenceBlue - 02/09/2019 04:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 891

You deserved it 112

By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/04/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 345

You deserved it 4 441

By lionhead14 - 20/05/2011 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 869

You deserved it 42 390

By Anonymous - 08/06/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 326

You deserved it 3 811

By Eddie - 07/08/2011 19:43 - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 793

You deserved it 4 895

By htothecr - 03/05/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 172

You deserved it 140 877

By Labro9 - 23/10/2016 08:20

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 475

You deserved it 654

By stonehengeva - 27/07/2015 03:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 746

You deserved it 1 745

By Unfortunate - 08/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 981

You deserved it 13 920

Social media was a mistake

By Gorgonzola - 13/11/2021 07:59

Today, my now ex-girlfriend dumped me because I refuse to open an account on Facebook, Instagram or whatever. Four years ago, I had to retire from social media for good because another ex-girlfriend was harassing me frequently. No, I didn't have any children with that ex, if that's what you think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 81

By killme.jpeg - 18/04/2016 01:04 - Netherlands - Wassenaar

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 111

You deserved it 6 668

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Top comments

alyssa_22 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

iammeanttolive 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

rofliloveyou 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:11

aw, well that's what you get for choosing the prettier one..

imthestory 0

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Wednesday 26 May 2010 5:36

this reminds me of jackass....

V4ZQU3Z 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 2:03

more like dumb and dumber!

WTSchool 0

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Saturday 21 August 2010 3:41

You went in the 'prettier one'? YDI for not knowing that new toilets usually look 'prettier' than old ones.

KUSHaholic 0

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Friday 4 March 2011 8:05

similar to how we choose females these days lol tha prettier ones be tha wrong ones most tha time hahaa

Uncle_Moe_Lester 3

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Sunday 24 July 2011 22:12

if it wasn't connected there would be no water, I'm guessing op had to go pretty bad to not notice that

grimes5 0

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Friday 9 March 2012 9:53

I was thinking the same thing. Plus, it wouldn't be near the plumbing because I bet he knew where the old toilet originally would be. YDI OP

laya_fml 26

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Saturday 9 February 2013 19:39

I agree. If you knew you were going to muck it up with all your crap, why would you pick the pretty one

iammeanttolive 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

shiznutmuffin 0

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Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:11

probably fake toilets have no water in them unroll they are connected

shiznutmuffin 0

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Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:12

oops i actually meant untill

alyssa_22 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

MiGman 5

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:23

well #3 when you feel shitty and have to drop a duece I'm pretty sure you wouldn't look to ser if there's water in the crapper

Clioo_fml 17

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Monday 19 November 2012 5:12

Well then 79, if you're that desperate for a dump then you probably wouldn't care about 'sitting on the prettiest one' either.

scarlett_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

If it wasn't connected, there wouldn't have been water. Owned.

kagome_eb 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

hahaha aww would of happen to anyone! don't worry to much about it.

RHK_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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dont_stop_believ 0

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:31

how do u know it's s girl??doesn't say

gunnar7240 0

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Thursday 9 June 2011 10:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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pam241 15

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Friday 11 October 2013 4:03

you're an idiot

maddcow 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:26

#6 i was gonna comment how u knew it was a woman... then i realized, a real man wouldnt make that mistake

maconmann 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:29

I would have just left it there and blamed the dog.

RyeBreadBoy 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 23:34

how many people have two toilets in their bathrooms? wouldn't you wonder just from that? and, like 3 said, there should've been water. do girls not look at the toilet before they sit down? i guess that's why they whine about falling in.