Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach...

By Noname - 12/3/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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Miscellaneous

Child labor

Tidy your room

Sewer monster

By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:00

Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML

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By notyourmummy - 12/11/2015 09:09 - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2015 16:58 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

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By mike h - 10/8/2012 04:37 - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

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By upset room mate - 18/8/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

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By motherdearest - 21/3/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Nicks - 3/7/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

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By Stressed dad - 18/7/2017 20:00

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By SierraDiaz2097 - 23/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

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By Zephyric - 2/2/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2015 12:56 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 04:08 - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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By ihatekids - 14/7/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

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By fingerfuckd - 29/4/2009 15:47 - Canada

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

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By wotwzombie - 11/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By Lost... - 6/3/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

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By Tabby - 6/8/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By spiderinmylips - 24/6/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

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By Kfeaaa - 24/2/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

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By chippuh - 26/4/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

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By sleeper - 2/3/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By yosmurf - 11/3/2017 18:00

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 07:29 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 11:56 - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By sorry... - 2/3/2015 16:31 - United States - Newark

Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 14:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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By forever_young - 13/5/2016 13:03 - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Lance - 28/1/2010 20:25 - United States

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

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By bride - 27/3/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

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By KingSnow03 - 31/3/2020 20:00

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By lonelynessinCA - 14/3/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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Top comments

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

COMMENTS

By rofliloveyou | 0

#28832 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:11

aw, well that's what you get for choosing the prettier one..

imthestory | 0

#1007491 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 5:36

this reminds me of jackass....

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111780 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 2:03

more like dumb and dumber!

WTSchool | 0

#1278367 - Saturday 21 August 2010 3:41

You went in the 'prettier one'?
YDI for not knowing that new toilets usually look 'prettier' than old ones.

KUSHaholic | 0

#2148871 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:05

similar to how we choose females these days lol tha prettier ones be tha wrong ones most tha time hahaa

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2966956 - Sunday 24 July 2011 22:12

if it wasn't connected there would be no water, I'm guessing op had to go pretty bad to not notice that

grimes5 | 0

#4140376 - Friday 9 March 2012 9:53

I was thinking the same thing. Plus, it wouldn't be near the plumbing because I bet he knew where the old toilet originally would be. YDI OP

laya_fml | 26

#5361075 - Saturday 9 February 2013 19:39

I agree. If you knew you were going to muck it up with all your crap, why would you pick the pretty one

By iammeanttolive | 0

#28838 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:14

Shit happens. (:

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887771 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:11

probably fake toilets have no water in them unroll they are connected

shiznutmuffin | 0

#887780 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:12

oops i actually meant untill

By alyssa_22 | 0

#28853 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

Wouldn't you notice that there's no water in it?

MiGman | 5

#1112151 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:23

well #3 when you feel shitty and have to drop a duece I'm pretty sure you wouldn't look to ser if there's water in the crapper

Clioo_fml | 17

#5162795 - Monday 19 November 2012 5:12

Well then 79, if you're that desperate for a dump then you probably wouldn't care about 'sitting on the prettiest one' either.

By scarlett_fml | 0

#28855 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

If it wasn't connected, there wouldn't have been water. Owned.

By kagome_eb | 0

#28856 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:21

hahaha aww would of happen to anyone! don't worry to much about it.

By RHK_fml | 0

#28858 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1014644 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 6:31

how do u know it's s girl??doesn't say

gunnar7240 | 0

#2647389 - Thursday 9 June 2011 10:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

pam241 | 15

#5711727 - Friday 11 October 2013 4:03

you're an idiot

By maddcow | 0

#28866 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:26

#6 i was gonna comment how u knew it was a woman... then i realized, a real man wouldnt make that mistake

By maconmann | 0

#28875 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:29

I would have just left it there and blamed the dog.

By RyeBreadBoy | 0

#28884 - Thursday 12 March 2009 23:34

how many people have two toilets in their bathrooms? wouldn't you wonder just from that? and, like 3 said, there should've been water. do girls not look at the toilet before they sit down? i guess that's why they whine about falling in.