Miscellaneous: Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his... - FML

By Yue - Canada

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

The Walking Dead

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

By brinn - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

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By ForgottenSarahMarshall - United States - Aubrey

Today, I was creeping on an old coworker's Facebook and noticed they'd tagged my face in an old group photo as another girl. According to the comments, the girl they'd tagged me as thought it was her too. I worked there for two years and nobody mentioned the mistake. FML

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

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By Bribri - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

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By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By EyupItsLucas - 24/3/2020 13:35

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

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By NotTheMomma

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown

Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML

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By embarrassed - Australia - Morphett Vale

Today, despite having a mild case of the flu, I visited my boyfriend's house and watched a movie with his parents. During the movie, I felt the sudden urge to sneeze. Trying to hold it in, I managed to do the loudest fart I've ever done in my life. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 04:58

Impressive

Today, a small fly was harassing my face, then it landed on a book next to me. I waved at it to make it leave, but it didn't. I got my fingers closer to it, to scare it off. Instead, it jumped on my finger as a playful parrot pet, spent a moment there, and flew off. I cannot even intimidate a fly. FML

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By muffintop - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By virginmary - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

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By mischalucksux - United States

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 05:02

Lonely, so lonely

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents and the question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absent-mindedly typed the old dating site. I swiped completely dry with no responses into my browser, reminding myself that my entire city didn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

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By hail

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

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By stepsister - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By ouchies - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

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By OhhhNooo - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By Karin - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

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By roseland - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

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By foo - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

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By Jarool - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By filipkm - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

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By CARAPPY LUCK

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By LoveLost

Today, my husband finally broke our two-month dry spell. I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that it had been two months or that he's horrible at sex. FML

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By SHIT-BREATH - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By Avery - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

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By Mush - France - Montpellier

Today, after an 8-month wait, I went on my big vacation. The beach, the sea, the dive, the jellyfish, the allergic reaction, the hospital. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

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By apparentlythereisnokarma - Canada - Didsbury

Today, my roommate stumbled in drunk at 5am with 3 Big Macs, and passed out on the floor after eating them. This happens almost every night. I stay in, study, work, and go to the gym almost everyday. And she still has better grades, a better body, and makes more money than me. FML

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By Oops

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Monica

She used me

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

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Top comments

By ashiezorz | 2

#685743 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 2:04

Maybe it was just 'I love you for tutoring me 'cuz I just aced that test' or something?

By hornetchik | 0

#685652 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:23

Prepare for comments suggesting you DID actually do something weird.

COMMENTS

By monkey2 | 0

#685632 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:16

i'm gonna be like all those people with no life and say FIRST

Reply

iamsam2 | 3

#1340462 - Friday 3 September 2010 1:15

im gonna be like the ppl with no life and repy to first comment

Reply

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3168105 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 21:49

I'm gonna be like all those smart people and give you guys a thumbs down.

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#685637 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:18

threesome!

Reply

JenDanielle917 | 13

#2719447 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:37

I love how you said threesome & have a pic of a crying baby, its like your saying have a threesome & youll end upp with a baby :)

By Fisshie | 0

#685639 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:19

hahaha

By brianjman14 | 22

#685642 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:20

that's.... awkward......

By hornetchik | 0

#685652 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:23

Prepare for comments suggesting you DID actually do something weird.

Reply

kxs401 | 0

#685690 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:40

I see them already!

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#686237 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 8:23

"Come on lil' johnny.. come sit in my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up."

Reply

kikiwi_fml | 9

#5240510 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 13:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sarahhanlen | 11

#5577937 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:49

He said tutored not tortured... Learn to read better

Reply

RoyalAzure | 8

#5800583 - Saturday 21 December 2013 21:46

I think he's implying that tutoring the kid is a form of torture.

By getreadysetfml | 0

#685677 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:34

you have a life it's called a lowlife

By jonny2x4 | 0

#685685 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:37

"Now, using this doll, can you please show the court where exactly he touched you?"

You're not aspiring to be a Catholic priest , are you?

By nazooer | 11

#685686 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:38

blame pedobear.

By Mmbop | 0

#685715 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:51

so uhm what did you "tutor" him in?

Reply

kjklopu | 1

#4828419 - Saturday 18 August 2012 4:09

Sex ed

By Moeey | 0

#685719 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:54

Your a nazooer