Miscellaneous: Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his... - FML

By Yue - Canada

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

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Vulture

So that makes it alright?

Now you know

By Dontsitsitandyoudie - Iceland - Reykjav?k

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

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By pleasedie - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By DogStew

Pumped-up Tanks

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

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By thatwas10yearsago - United States - Reston

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

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By fionna_fiamma - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By WellGroomed - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my housemate walked out of the bathroom with my toothbrush in his mouth and asked, "You're not one of those people who cares if someone uses their toothbrush, are you?" FML

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By Pelota - United States

Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML

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By ugh.. - United States

Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML

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By stupdude3 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew to see the guy that I've been in love with for 3 years. We spent the day at Walmart. To buy a plunger. After I blocked up the toilet. FML

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By Widowmaker - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By foretwintie - Canada

Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML

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By drakx88 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

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By that1summergirl - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

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By tinypenis - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

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By Arrgh - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML

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By oktober2nd - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

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By TheGirl - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML

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By WTA - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By bl3ur0z3

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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By catlady'sdaughter - 3/7/2020 17:01

Needs more training

Today, my mom read online you could train cats to relieve themselves in the toilet. Without reading any further, she took away the litter tray. My house reeks of cat piss and shit, and she still refuses to give the cat its litter tray back, insisting it'll work eventually. FML

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By Drewski - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I am recovering from my second back surgery. I survived four years in the Army with one combat tour without major injury, only to destroy my back the day after discharge by lifting my mother-in-law's suitcase into the trunk of her car. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

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By Rodolfo_el - 17/4/2021 10:59

No Ragrets

Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML

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By madzlovesgee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

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By loser - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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By oh my son - Canada - Toronto

Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML

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By Sam - 7/5/2021 02:01

Risky business

Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

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By ananomus - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By dJ21 - Guam

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I'm so lazy, I dread getting up early on days that haven't arrived yet. For stuff I actually like doing, too. FML

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By peevedMcGee

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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Top comments

By ashiezorz | 2

#685743 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 2:04

Maybe it was just 'I love you for tutoring me 'cuz I just aced that test' or something?

By hornetchik | 0

#685652 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:23

Prepare for comments suggesting you DID actually do something weird.

COMMENTS

By monkey2 | 0

#685632 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:16

i'm gonna be like all those people with no life and say FIRST

Reply

iamsam2 | 3

#1340462 - Friday 3 September 2010 1:15

im gonna be like the ppl with no life and repy to first comment

Reply

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3168105 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 21:49

I'm gonna be like all those smart people and give you guys a thumbs down.

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#685637 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:18

threesome!

Reply

JenDanielle917 | 13

#2719447 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:37

I love how you said threesome & have a pic of a crying baby, its like your saying have a threesome & youll end upp with a baby :)

By Fisshie | 0

#685639 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:19

hahaha

By brianjman14 | 22

#685642 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:20

that's.... awkward......

By hornetchik | 0

#685652 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:23

Prepare for comments suggesting you DID actually do something weird.

Reply

kxs401 | 0

#685690 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:40

I see them already!

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#686237 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 8:23

"Come on lil' johnny.. come sit in my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up."

Reply

kikiwi_fml | 9

#5240510 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 13:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

sarahhanlen | 11

#5577937 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:49

He said tutored not tortured... Learn to read better

Reply

RoyalAzure | 8

#5800583 - Saturday 21 December 2013 21:46

I think he's implying that tutoring the kid is a form of torture.

By getreadysetfml | 0

#685677 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:34

you have a life it's called a lowlife

By jonny2x4 | 0

#685685 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:37

"Now, using this doll, can you please show the court where exactly he touched you?"

You're not aspiring to be a Catholic priest , are you?

By nazooer | 11

#685686 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:38

blame pedobear.

By Mmbop | 0

#685715 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:51

so uhm what did you "tutor" him in?

Reply

kjklopu | 1

#4828419 - Saturday 18 August 2012 4:09

Sex ed

By Moeey | 0

#685719 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:54

Your a nazooer