Valentine's slay, Looking good and Holidays: Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very... - FML

By svsksosnns - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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Valentine's slay

You can't win

Free healthcare for all

Mixed signals

By missbrit - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

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By Sailorjoe - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Imaginary girlfriend - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

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By notevencatnipworks

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By ZAnon - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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By ritz - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 23:03

Grossed out

Today, I found out that the reason I have unbearable pain in my stomach when I sit down is because I have 2 horrifyingly large boils on my waist. My mother nearly fainted when I showed them to her. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By "ali927truthh"

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By Amb - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By mr_cheese - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By evil - United States

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

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By tanksfan - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

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By First Kiss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By PandaMantis - United States

Today, I sent my romantic interest a sexy text about a dream I had about a "sex gameshow." I sent it by replying to the last text sent. I'm now responsible for traumatizing my 12 year old niece who could only reply, "Like Jeopardy?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bristol

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By lonely - United Kingdom

Today, I was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers. It turns out the guy she thought would be a "totally perfect match" for me is the ex who cheated on me. FML

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By CatCreator

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By Iamlonesometonight

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By Delicious - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

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By rozziepop - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By littelace - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML

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By wellthatsawkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

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By Numou - France

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

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By minette08 - United States

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

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By a single fuck - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

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By littlemissignored - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

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By caseyj - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

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Top comments

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

COMMENTS

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

Reply

rockergal21 | 16

#6603108 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:50

#1 knows where his priorities are :D

Reply

Negan | 2

#6603120 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:57

"They should just let us get married, cause anyone who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there." ~Frank Gallagher

Reply

arisanator9900 | 20

#6603265 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

colorfulequines | 6

#6603295 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:57

#9 is clearly a Roman. probably goes by the name Oedipus.

Reply

FrostyyFML | 15

#6604000 - Thursday 12 May 2016 15:44

Why the down votes?

By Elmoskittles | 3

#6603081 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:38

Well, should've brought your wife with you! Ha

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6603235 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:56

Yes that's how it works

By orangejubejube | 20

#6603115 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:54

I imagine you returning home to put a tape line down the middle of the house, saying "now, until I get back - you stay on your side, and you stay on yours.."

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6603231 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:52

Who's side is the bathroom on?

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

By krazy789 | 28

#6603276 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:39

Now i see why you dont go on the road very often

By Moonfate | 16

#6603311 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:12

This is exactly why I'm glad my husband and I live 1000 miles from either of our parents.

By jeepguy83 | 14

#6603312 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:13

Why the hell is your mother even living with you? Tell that leach to get a job and move out!

Reply

A07 | 48

#6603419 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 23:23

Because she's his mother, they're one of the few people in the world you can extend that privilege to.

Reply

Sunflora219 | 26

#6603543 - Thursday 12 May 2016 2:42

Yeah. I wouldn't let my parents move out either. So, maybe it's like a cultural thing, as well?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6603732 - Thursday 12 May 2016 7:30

Negative, ghost rider. When you get married, you cut the umbilical cord, and focus on your wife. It sounds like his mom doesn't want to let him go, he's too much of a mama's boy to get rid of her, and his wife is sick of it.

Reply

Big_D_Real | 12

#6604074 - Thursday 12 May 2016 17:05

Where does it say the mother lives with them?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6604247 - Thursday 12 May 2016 19:55

It doesn't, but I think it's implied. How else could they be fighting after only 2 hours? Unless the mom was waiting for the son to leave so she could "kick her ass for stealing my son." But now I'm just making stuff up.

By socialproduct | 19

#6603327 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:33

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. There should be a "Thank God I'm on the road" button.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6603380 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:20

Does your mom have lots of money? If yes, are you getting it all when she dies? If yes to both then side with your mom. If no to one of those then side with your wife.

By hkhan24 | 23

#6603403 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:56

ignore it, they're grown adults