Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very... - FML

By svsksosnns - 11/5/2016 03:59 - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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Valentine's slay

Serious times

All for nothing

Boozehound alert

By anonymous - 31/10/2014 04:24 - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, my ex-girlfriend started dating the guy she told me not to worry about when we dated. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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By Dooh - 17/1/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2014 00:14 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, a guy asked for my number at the grocery store, but I politely told him I wasn't interested. He followed me home and took a shit on my doorstep. FML

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By morenita27 - 21/12/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 22:00

The Girl Can't Help It

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 16:14 - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 02:01

Spineless

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

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By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/9/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By wayne - 7/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 01:53 - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By Bullocks - 27/4/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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By 352 - 18/4/2012 20:18 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 08:24 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

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By greatly disturbed - 7/3/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By Amberizzle - 26/9/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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By SpiderFather - 2/7/2013 08:01 - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2010 18:55 - Canada

Today, my family threw me a surprise party for my 29th Birthday. My brother-in-law sent me a text telling me they were all waiting for me to arrive. Thinking it was at my sister's home, I drove two hours there. It was actually at my parents' house. I missed my party and they ate my cake. FML

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By LonelySanta - 24/12/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By WTF - 22/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

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By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - 7/3/2013 17:10 - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

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By Sara1990 - 23/8/2010 11:40 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was supposed to give a presentation to the incoming freshman about the dangers of drinking in college. My co-presenter showed up drunk. FML

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By Kristina - 18/2/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

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By klsdhjla - 15/2/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, while losing my virginity to my boyfriend, I had my first orgasm. I don't remember much of what I said during, but after it was all over, he looks at me and says, "You have terrible grammar during climax." FML

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By thinkimquitting - 25/6/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

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By sixxie - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

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By We raised that fool - 6/8/2014 13:21 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 20:00

Cute nickname

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 3/6/2020 23:00

Just a prank, bruh!

Today, while looking at engagement rings online, I started crying. Not because I'm getting married, but because the only proposal scenario my mind could concoct always ended with my boyfriend saying,"Psych!" FML

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By applesmama - 17/9/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:59 - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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By Lauren - 20/8/2012 03:53 - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

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By blck - 1/1/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

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By a-non - 2/2/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

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Top comments

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

COMMENTS

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

Reply

rockergal21 | 16

#6603108 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:50

#1 knows where his priorities are :D

Reply

Negan | 2

#6603120 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:57

"They should just let us get married, cause anyone who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there." ~Frank Gallagher

Reply

arisanator9900 | 20

#6603265 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

colorfulequines | 6

#6603295 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:57

#9 is clearly a Roman. probably goes by the name Oedipus.

Reply

FrostyyFML | 15

#6604000 - Thursday 12 May 2016 15:44

Why the down votes?

By Elmoskittles | 3

#6603081 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:38

Well, should've brought your wife with you! Ha

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6603235 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:56

Yes that's how it works

By orangejubejube | 20

#6603115 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:54

I imagine you returning home to put a tape line down the middle of the house, saying "now, until I get back - you stay on your side, and you stay on yours.."

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6603231 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:52

Who's side is the bathroom on?

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

By krazy789 | 28

#6603276 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:39

Now i see why you dont go on the road very often

By Moonfate | 16

#6603311 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:12

This is exactly why I'm glad my husband and I live 1000 miles from either of our parents.

By jeepguy83 | 14

#6603312 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:13

Why the hell is your mother even living with you? Tell that leach to get a job and move out!

Reply

A07 | 48

#6603419 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 23:23

Because she's his mother, they're one of the few people in the world you can extend that privilege to.

Reply

Sunflora219 | 26

#6603543 - Thursday 12 May 2016 2:42

Yeah. I wouldn't let my parents move out either. So, maybe it's like a cultural thing, as well?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6603732 - Thursday 12 May 2016 7:30

Negative, ghost rider. When you get married, you cut the umbilical cord, and focus on your wife. It sounds like his mom doesn't want to let him go, he's too much of a mama's boy to get rid of her, and his wife is sick of it.

Reply

Big_D_Real | 12

#6604074 - Thursday 12 May 2016 17:05

Where does it say the mother lives with them?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6604247 - Thursday 12 May 2016 19:55

It doesn't, but I think it's implied. How else could they be fighting after only 2 hours? Unless the mom was waiting for the son to leave so she could "kick her ass for stealing my son." But now I'm just making stuff up.

By socialproduct | 19

#6603327 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:33

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. There should be a "Thank God I'm on the road" button.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6603380 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:20

Does your mom have lots of money? If yes, are you getting it all when she dies? If yes to both then side with your mom. If no to one of those then side with your wife.

By hkhan24 | 23

#6603403 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:56

ignore it, they're grown adults