Valentine's slay, Looking good and Holidays: Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very... - FML

By svsksosnns - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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Valentine's slay

College life is hell

Keep up!

That's quite a gamble, sir

By Emily - 7/6/2020 20:08

What's the point?

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

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By gimpy - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By anikah - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

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By OutOfLuck - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Moment ruined

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

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By matte - Australia

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By AnnieThrax - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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By Farva - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By thefoolwhorippedhispants

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

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By emptypockets - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was pulled over and fined $100 for driving without a license, as I'd accidentally left home without my wallet. I later found my wallet wedged beside my car seat, where it had been the entire time. FML

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By

Early show

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By chrono64 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By VibeCheck

Hangover blues

Today, I woke up hungover and went to the kitchen for some food. I saw what I thought was a blueberry muffin. Halfway through eating it, I realized I couldn’t taste any blueberries, so I tried another one. I then remembered my dad telling me to throw out any old food we had. It was mould. FML

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By Bliggins - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

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By rangerluke - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By Nick

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home and stopped at a light. A cute guy in the truck ahead of me waved me forward and told me to roll down my window. It was the first time a cute guy had talked to me in a while so I was pretty excited. He told me to turn my lights on. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 20:00

Chill out, dudebro

Today, my hair is so long hair that it touches my shoulders now. My father attempted to bribe me into cutting my hair several times. I'm 30. FML

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By achoo - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

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By Sarah - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

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Top comments

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

COMMENTS

By Pimpfromdowntown | 11

#6603080 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:37

Side with your wife for sex.

Reply

rockergal21 | 16

#6603108 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:50

#1 knows where his priorities are :D

Reply

Negan | 2

#6603120 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:57

"They should just let us get married, cause anyone who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there." ~Frank Gallagher

Reply

arisanator9900 | 20

#6603265 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

colorfulequines | 6

#6603295 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:57

#9 is clearly a Roman. probably goes by the name Oedipus.

Reply

FrostyyFML | 15

#6604000 - Thursday 12 May 2016 15:44

Why the down votes?

By Elmoskittles | 3

#6603081 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:38

Well, should've brought your wife with you! Ha

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6603235 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:56

Yes that's how it works

By orangejubejube | 20

#6603115 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 17:54

I imagine you returning home to put a tape line down the middle of the house, saying "now, until I get back - you stay on your side, and you stay on yours.."

Reply

SleepyPharma | 21

#6603231 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 19:52

Who's side is the bathroom on?

By ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6603127 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 18:03

They need to grow up, since they apparently can't be civil without a mediator within /two hours/ of no supervision.

By krazy789 | 28

#6603276 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 20:39

Now i see why you dont go on the road very often

By Moonfate | 16

#6603311 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:12

This is exactly why I'm glad my husband and I live 1000 miles from either of our parents.

By jeepguy83 | 14

#6603312 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:13

Why the hell is your mother even living with you? Tell that leach to get a job and move out!

Reply

A07 | 48

#6603419 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 23:23

Because she's his mother, they're one of the few people in the world you can extend that privilege to.

Reply

Sunflora219 | 26

#6603543 - Thursday 12 May 2016 2:42

Yeah. I wouldn't let my parents move out either. So, maybe it's like a cultural thing, as well?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6603732 - Thursday 12 May 2016 7:30

Negative, ghost rider. When you get married, you cut the umbilical cord, and focus on your wife. It sounds like his mom doesn't want to let him go, he's too much of a mama's boy to get rid of her, and his wife is sick of it.

Reply

Big_D_Real | 12

#6604074 - Thursday 12 May 2016 17:05

Where does it say the mother lives with them?

Reply

jeepguy83 | 14

#6604247 - Thursday 12 May 2016 19:55

It doesn't, but I think it's implied. How else could they be fighting after only 2 hours? Unless the mom was waiting for the son to leave so she could "kick her ass for stealing my son." But now I'm just making stuff up.

By socialproduct | 19

#6603327 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 21:33

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. There should be a "Thank God I'm on the road" button.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6603380 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:20

Does your mom have lots of money? If yes, are you getting it all when she dies? If yes to both then side with your mom. If no to one of those then side with your wife.

By hkhan24 | 23

#6603403 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 22:56

ignore it, they're grown adults