Intimacy: Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/07/2014 20:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Spicy

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 024

You deserved it 13 928

Dementia or hate? You decide

Another great day to be alive

Wrong place, wrong time

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/09/2019 14:02

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 993

You deserved it 3 620

By Tooth Fairy - 25/05/2018 16:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 605

You deserved it 235

By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 4 570

By Fark - 27/05/2010 22:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 263

You deserved it 4 932

Drunken lout

By whippingpost - 08/03/2020 04:56

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 110

By RachelDC - 03/07/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 055

You deserved it 5 619

Dogs with jobs

By Anonymous - 13/05/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It just kept sniffing my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 1 104

Unhealthy relationship

By Lance from the Serfs is a snacc - 03/05/2021 00:30

Today, I had to admit that I'm polyamorous. Well, I'm in several relationships. Parasocial relationships. With YouTubers and Twitch streamers. I talk to them through the screen. I can't remember what it's like to have real-life friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 934

By Anon - 13/02/2010 14:53 - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 045

You deserved it 27 064

There's no such thing as a coincidence

By Anonymous - 24/05/2021 10:57

Today, I cracked an egg with a disgusting rotten black yolk into the pan, ruining my almost done breakfast. Last time this happened, just coincidentally, two deaths in the family and a near deadly mental breakdown followed. Now eggs seem too gross to eat, and I’m afraid this time was another bad omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 110

By Mnm54312 - 04/07/2016 07:19 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I moved into a new apartment. While moving boxes, I ran into my supervisor from work. Guess who lives across the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 065

You deserved it 923

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 322

You deserved it 3 120

By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 247

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 10:33 - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 444

You deserved it 17 178

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 08:30 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 871

You deserved it 3 707

By galen - 03/06/2009 06:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 892

You deserved it 27 660

By FATS DOMINO - 20/10/2011 15:39 - United States

Today, my sister finally broke down and told me that our dad gambled away of all my college savings, and I would have to pay for school the best way I can. They have known for months, and when I asked why nobody told me, the reply was, "You're a college boy, we thought you would figure it out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 518

You deserved it 2 432

By annoyed - 22/01/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 459

You deserved it 10 134

By kanenakid - 27/12/2009 12:40 - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 911

You deserved it 6 653

By tylerlove361 - 11/02/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 037

You deserved it 33 965

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 467

You deserved it 3 427

Sounds like a catch

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 08:06

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 312

Rollercoaster

By Anonymous - 05/03/2010 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 592

You deserved it 3 639

By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 675

You deserved it 4 823

By nothanks - 01/05/2011 14:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 815

You deserved it 5 460

By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 172

You deserved it 4 118

By needs_another_loan - 02/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 2 594

By Anonymous - 10/04/2012 17:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 172

You deserved it 3 280

By notsoclean - 24/12/2010 21:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 325

You deserved it 3 671

Branded

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 07:00 - United States - Eau Claire

Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, asking him pick me up for a cookout while his kids were yelling in the background, asking where my friend, their dad, was going. He jokingly answered them, "To pick up my ugly friend." They quickly replied with my name, out of the dozens of friends he hangs out more with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 96

By ... - 29/11/2008 11:50 - France

Spicy

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 467

You deserved it 11 952

By Lisa - 19/09/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 869

You deserved it 5 680

By oakley - 07/01/2017 09:15

Today, I went to start my new job, only to find out that the guy who hired me had no permission to do so. I had to fill out another application, and complete another interview and I still might not get the damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 418

You deserved it 750

By ugh - 14/08/2012 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 678

You deserved it 2 035

By imanidiot - 03/03/2009 06:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 197

You deserved it 152 098

Fun times

By KeepinItInTheFamily - 28/10/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my future sister-in-law told me that not only will I have to host her bachelorette party at my new, still under construction house, but she has also booked a sex consultant to come and give a toy presentation. There's a $350 minimum spend. Only 5 people are coming, 4 of which are family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 131

You deserved it 322

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 965

You deserved it 47 129

You took your time!

By Rejected - 01/09/2021 10:01

Today, almost 7 weeks after the second interview for a job I really wanted, and hearing nothing from the job or the staffing agents, I got an email saying they won’t be hiring me. I gave up my search a few weeks ago when I started the third trimester of my pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 180

By Anonymous - 03/06/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 849

You deserved it 7 354

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Top comments

Corvo_Attano_4 12

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:43

*Dad likes this

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:44

Sounds like time to unfriend your own mother

Comments

Corvo_Attano_4 12

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:43

*Dad likes this

Send a private message

Thursday 24 July 2014 1:01

I'm so happy mom doesn't have facebook! Ever since dad got it, I've been living in fear. FYL!

imyy 20

Thursday 24 July 2014 1:50

Best comment! Thread over :-)

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Thursday 24 July 2014 2:06

Now ruined by #42

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Thursday 24 July 2014 4:08

#1 Apparently dad doesn't like it often enough.

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Thursday 24 July 2014 6:58

Now imagine how much dad will like it when the neighbor likes this

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Thursday 24 July 2014 10:23

is it safe to assume the mom is divorced? no? okay

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Sunday 27 July 2014 5:28

#107,awesome profile picture!

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:43

That must've been absolutely repulsive for you... FYL OP... That's something no kid should ever have to know haha

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Thursday 24 July 2014 3:43

Well I remember walking into my mom's room when I was seven. She was having sex with a guy. He made a good first impression on me. Ironically I liked him more than my mother.

TriggerFinger7 10

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Thursday 24 July 2014 4:02

Well, can't blame her for being honest..though I do feel bad for OP, she shouldn't have had to witness that :(

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Thursday 24 July 2014 8:13

She could be honest somewhere else though...

ihaveasushicat 24

Thursday 24 July 2014 0:43

She could have said she needed a good scissoring.

RenoTheRhino 30

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Thursday 24 July 2014 1:06

..what?

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Thursday 24 July 2014 1:16

is that supposed to be worse??

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:44

Sounds like time to unfriend your own mother

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:45

At least she knows what she wants

seemetrot_fml 16

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:46

Hope that it was a typo?? Looks like you need to have an internet etiquette chat with her.

shay_serendipity 29

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Thursday 24 July 2014 1:10

I'd hope it was a typo too, but then I wonder what she would have meant to type- and there aren't many other words it could've been. So I'm not sure it was just a typo...

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Thursday 24 July 2014 1:25

Aha! so she meant *Licking. Lol other options aren't much better!

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Wednesday 10 December 2014 20:01

Kicking?

cryssycakesx3 22

Thursday 24 July 2014 0:46

how dare mothers need sex

awkwardology 23

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:58

This FML isn't about having a healthy sex drive, it's about broadcasting a really inappropriate and frankly unnecessary comment like that on an extremely accessible social network for everyone to see. Nana's going to get a really big surprise the next time she checks her Facebook. FYL, OP.

RenoTheRhino 30

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:58

No. How dare mothers say they need sex on social media for hundreds of people to see.

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:59

I think the fml isn't that her mom wants to have sex, but that her mother would post her need on a public place for everyone to see..

GirlGamer12345 22

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Thursday 24 July 2014 2:03

You didn't understand this FML Did you? For most people, the thought of their parents having sex or even a sexual desire is repulsive. It's not that she wants sex it's the fact she shared it all over Facebook for her family to see...

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 24 July 2014 2:26

Kids do it all the time. Maybe she's just getting revenge

cryssycakesx3 22

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Thursday 24 July 2014 5:58

I understood it just fine. she can' post whatever she wants on her Facebook. it's called being a grown up and accepting your parents as human beings. not really embarrassing or life fucking, really. he* can hide her posts or even unfriend her if it bothers him that much. I bet anyone on her Facebook that's able to see it knows she has sex too. shocking.

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Thursday 24 July 2014 6:55

personally, I don't even like to swear on facebook, too many people that can see it (mainly any younger kids who may see it) so I completely disagree with your view on this being totally fine, she could have younger people on there, neices and nephews etc, I know my mum does, do you think it's ok for them to see things like "I need a good dicking"?

football98_fml 20

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Thursday 24 July 2014 7:31

#7 Your comments make me lose brain cells

GirlGamer12345 22

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Thursday 24 July 2014 8:08

@ 86 Please stop commenting. There's a reason you're getting down voted. It's no surprise she has sex. That is not what anyone is saying... It's just not appropriate to put on Facebook where everyone can see it..

BlondeGoalKeeper 1

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Thursday 24 July 2014 23:20

yeah but they don't need to publicly announce it online... especially when their son could see...

23lf 16

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:46

It's ok to cry OP, it's ok.

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:48

Mmmm that's a bit awkward...

mfaizsiddiqui 9

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Thursday 24 July 2014 1:20

hmm thats really an awkward moment

powelale0000 19

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Thursday 24 July 2014 5:15

No... Really?

skittle_QUEEN_YO 15

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Thursday 24 July 2014 7:22

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa just a lil bit

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Thursday 24 July 2014 0:48

"I need a dicking" LMFAO

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 565

You deserved it 112

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 785