Animals: Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One... - FML

By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Buzzing the tower

Breaking Badly

By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By Allergies suck - United States - Westport

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

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By superscrewed - United States

Today, I discovered that my supervisor has been submitting completed projects to our manager on time for everyone on the team but me. She has been deliberately making it appear as though I am weeks behind on my projects, when in reality I am one of the first ones done every month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandown

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

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By I’m bushiest - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car infront of her, I said in my very bad Japanese “so I guess we are good friends now” she responded with a confident “yes” FML

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By littlegirl - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By neuroticallyours - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By ouchie - Canada

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

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By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

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By just wanted nice nails - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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By cieee - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By blackcarnation - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

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By feeldumb - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By RaccoonFever - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By Kristopher - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 00:01

Right place, wrong time

Today, as I'd been going to a gym with my wife as a guest on her account, I joined as a regular member. However, before I had time to go under my own membership, the gym closed down due to the coronavirus. FML

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By Pool-less - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By baffleduncle - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

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By HM - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By Gayer men’s team

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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By RadioactiveKush - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

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By lonelygal69 - United States - Stafford

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

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By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By inpain - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By D: - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By Lenny_R

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By Overworked - United States

Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

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By collegegirl90 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

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By ewmomew - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

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Top comments

By may_cause_fail | 0

#146581 - Monday 27 April 2009 3:29

Well, you were wearing shoes. WEREN'T YOU?
I'd hardly call this an FML.

By applecake | 0

#23104 - Monday 9 March 2009 9:36

I did the pinecone-crushing thing too; but stepped on a banana slug and slipped.

COMMENTS

By applecake | 0

#23104 - Monday 9 March 2009 9:36

I did the pinecone-crushing thing too; but stepped on a banana slug and slipped.

By pommeblossom | 0

#46924 - Saturday 21 March 2009 5:36

AHAHAHHA

By McButterpants | 0

#75079 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 19:58

One might say you're a 'Shit disturber'. GET IT!!!

AAAHAHAHahahahahosjlhsgaknmgdf...

lame

By may_cause_fail | 0

#146581 - Monday 27 April 2009 3:29

Well, you were wearing shoes. WEREN'T YOU?
I'd hardly call this an FML.

Reply

pingpongdj | 0

#439728 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 12:34

he could've been wearing slippers? lol.

By MissFreshx7 | 0

#268532 - Friday 5 June 2009 4:10

lmfao you deserved it ! watch where yer goiin.

By Humanoid_fml | 0

#283779 - Monday 8 June 2009 21:38

You can crush acorns by stepping on them? Do you weigh half a ton?

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#5097795 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 17:21

Tiny, hollow, dried up acorns. I sometimes do that, too.

By Guitarist45 | 0

#415691 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 9:49

this isn't an fml

By Malajustice | 0

#569419 - Thursday 17 September 2009 15:57

Heh, something like that happened to me when I was a kid. I was kicking at fallen leaves, and one of them turned out to be dog shit. I was wearing my new pink sneakers at the time (gimme a break, I was 6) and my mom made me throw them out :(

By dude_sweet | 0

#758919 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 22:44

hahaha yeah fyl

By llScarlFacell | 0

#970805 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:28

I love it when someone fails.