Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One... - FML

By Elizabeth - 9/1/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

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Long story short

By Stolemylady - 4/6/2012 07:05 - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

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By tripleBBB - 9/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By priceycommute - 19/8/2017 04:33

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By Heather - 26/6/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

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By chicoallen - 31/8/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By 20singleandproudish - 23/10/2014 05:18 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By johncabbot25 - 23/12/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

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By catsonuincorns - 15/4/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/6/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By looking - 25/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 08:25

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

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By peneloperigby - 3/2/2009 06:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11 year old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassles, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2019 22:00

Keep in touch

Today on my birthday, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Our tattoo artist happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I sat and listened to them talk about their relationship and how they should stay in touch. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By Chouse - 7/9/2012 01:56 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

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By owl + bungee cord - 7/1/2014 20:38 - United States - Herndon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

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By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Wowthanks - 5/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:01

Invisible Woman

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

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By two-hours-to-pick-up - 9/10/2009 09:46 - Australia

Today, I was in a fancy department store. I was wearing my travel backpack. I was turning around after paying at the checkout and my backpack hit a metre-tall display covered with necklaces. It went crashing to the floor, hitting another display table laden with jewelry that collapsed under it. FML

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By Jayde - 4/2/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I received a single, hand-made Valentine's card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, "If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn't damage your face." FML

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By omgreally91 - 12/10/2011 23:39 - United States

Today, I spent an hour photoshopping my face onto super skinny models as inspiration for a diet. FML

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By historyfreak_17 - 17/6/2012 07:11 - United States - Dearborn Heights

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2015 21:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my sister offered me a couple doughnuts she bought recently. Thinking she was just being nice, I went ahead and started eating, and was met with the most horrid taste I've ever experienced. Turns out her "recently" was two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 04:51 - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

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By Badnewca - 14/5/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

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By WentInABush - 15/11/2012 07:23 - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

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By blind_loser - 12/7/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

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By Adulting - 31/10/2017 21:24

Today, I accidentally washed an entire box of macaroni and cheese with a load of laundry. I'm 25 and do not have kids. FML

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By crazymuch - 1/2/2009 18:08 - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 17:54 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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Top comments

By may_cause_fail | 0

#146581 - Monday 27 April 2009 3:29

Well, you were wearing shoes. WEREN'T YOU?
I'd hardly call this an FML.

By applecake | 0

#23104 - Monday 9 March 2009 9:36

I did the pinecone-crushing thing too; but stepped on a banana slug and slipped.

Comments

By applecake | 0

#23104 - Monday 9 March 2009 9:36

I did the pinecone-crushing thing too; but stepped on a banana slug and slipped.

By pommeblossom | 0

#46924 - Saturday 21 March 2009 5:36

AHAHAHHA

By McButterpants | 0

#75079 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 19:58

One might say you're a 'Shit disturber'. GET IT!!!

AAAHAHAHahahahahosjlhsgaknmgdf...

lame

By may_cause_fail | 0

#146581 - Monday 27 April 2009 3:29

Well, you were wearing shoes. WEREN'T YOU?
I'd hardly call this an FML.

Reply

pingpongdj | 0

#439728 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 12:34

he could've been wearing slippers? lol.

By MissFreshx7 | 0

#268532 - Friday 5 June 2009 4:10

lmfao you deserved it ! watch where yer goiin.

By Humanoid_fml | 0

#283779 - Monday 8 June 2009 21:38

You can crush acorns by stepping on them? Do you weigh half a ton?

Reply

Link5794 | 16

#5097795 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 17:21

Tiny, hollow, dried up acorns. I sometimes do that, too.

By Guitarist45 | 0

#415691 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 9:49

this isn't an fml

By Malajustice | 0

#569419 - Thursday 17 September 2009 15:57

Heh, something like that happened to me when I was a kid. I was kicking at fallen leaves, and one of them turned out to be dog shit. I was wearing my new pink sneakers at the time (gimme a break, I was 6) and my mom made me throw them out :(

By dude_sweet | 0

#758919 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 22:44

hahaha yeah fyl

By llScarlFacell | 0

#970805 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 2:28

I love it when someone fails.