Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl"...

By Anonymous

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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Workaholic

Empathy hurts

CIA-level batshittery

By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By kelizabeth - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

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By albinoalligator - United States - Elkton

Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom - Watford

Horrendous website content

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after she found a disgusting and perverted porn site on my internet history. What was this site? Reddit. FML

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900

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141

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By FellingShitty - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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34406

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 15:30 - Canada - Cambridge

Sweet, my ass

Today, I worked with a sweet old lady. She refused to cook most of the food on the menu, and the food she did cook was super oily. When she received complaints about it, she blamed me for not draining the oil. When the customer defended me, she then told the customer it was her job to drain the oil. FML

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767

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By creepystalkerguy - United States

Today, a woman yelled at me to stop following her around the store. We were in IKEA. The only way to get through the store is to follow the arrows through a one-way path. Apparently, no one informed her of this. FML

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34660

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML

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5502

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By ~~~ - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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47452

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By who_cares - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I told my coworker who I have been crushing on for a while, that I really enjoyed our time last night. I immediately realized that the time we spent last night was in my sex dream. FML

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33441

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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28706

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By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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39733

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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3162

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By "BunnysKitty" - United States - Columbia City

Today, I wanted to pack my lunch with some of my homemade meatloaf leftover from last night's dinner, but I couldn't find it anywhere in my fridge. Later in the evening, my boyfriend's parents invited us over for dinner. They served meatloaf. The meatloaf they stole from my fridge last night when they visited. FML

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5712

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338

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By anonymous - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

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14807

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By confused - Canada

Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I'm not gay, but I'm afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML

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38519

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

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40531

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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23600

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By I miss bread - 14/12/2020 17:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Pile on

Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML

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By Annienomous - United States - Marion

Today, I witnessed a man die from a heart attack. When I told my dad later, he said "Lose some weight or you'll be next." FML

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25151

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By still hungry - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

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28247

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By shaggyberaddy

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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3446

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work, I dropped a heavy block of lead on my hand. On my hunt for ice, I had to tell my manager - who told her manager, who told the chief - in the end, the whole department found out and they made me fill in two long arsed incident reports. I had to fill them in myself with my busted up hand. FML

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By Distrusting

Today, I have gastro. I sent a text my husband: “It’s definitely a don’t trust a fart day, thankfully haven’t been caught out yet”, but accidentally text my manager instead. FML

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2185

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By FUUUUCK - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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43383

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By good_job_john - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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46378

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

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19162

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By Rhianna - Australia

What a massive clock

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year-old clock. FML

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By geeklove - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

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34655

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By melissa1028 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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37442

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By krizleykrislo - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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10197

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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47893

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

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44573

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By Anonymous - United States

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I received a $250 ticket when I parked my car, that has the disabled placard, in a handicapped spot at a Wal-Mart. The officer said she watched me get out of the car and walk to store without appearing to be disabled. I'm 59 years old, have a steel rod in my spine and a prosthetic hip. FML

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65161

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By ohman - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML

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38269

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By MarMar - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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123277

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By dont_shit_where_i_eat

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

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3665

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257

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By morenita27 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

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51370

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By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806710 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:07

Did you fetch for him too?

By mssileas | 25

#7806828 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 13:54

Send him the number of your local animal shelter before you block him, most likely that's where he'll find what he's looking for.

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806710 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:07

Did you fetch for him too?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7806715 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:53

Did he rub your belly and give you liver snaps?

Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl?

By mssileas | 25

#7806828 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 13:54

Send him the number of your local animal shelter before you block him, most likely that's where he'll find what he's looking for.

By Laurea Lindroos | 8

#7806841 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 14:47

Ew...

By John Nemeth | 14

#7806845 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 15:09

“Woof”
-_-

By Gina Crenshaw | 4

#7806923 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 20:47

wow!! 😂

By mr_dinzaster | 16

#7807017 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 6:29

Could have been worse he could have slapped your butt and said good game every time

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7807241 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 17:36

You should have shown him that your bark wasn't worse than your bite.

By Summaria | 10

#7807424 - Thursday 30 May 2019 10:17

Are you dating Ron Swanson?