Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl"...

By Anonymous

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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1887

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Billy no-mates

Kids

Phone call anxiety

By Sirah90 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68020

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By Anonymous - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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39017

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16930

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By fckmylife

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

8982

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690

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14076

You deserved it

56732

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By John doe - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13407

You deserved it

43714

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By Mishlette - United Kingdom - Derby

Office Space

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31787

You deserved it

2741

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By TaintedL0v3 - 11/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1122

You deserved it

194

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By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

263

You deserved it

661

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By TheOtherWoman - United States

Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39896

You deserved it

12753

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30764

You deserved it

2469

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By phillyfan4life - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17759

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28365

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By littl3storm - 24/4/2020 23:00

Time for the ER

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

226

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By fudgydiaper22 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33058

You deserved it

5123

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By RequilaRainbow - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32606

You deserved it

4304

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By Dopeydancer - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36120

You deserved it

13003

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By hickey - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11899

You deserved it

62180

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By Brian - United States

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37959

You deserved it

18803

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By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2576

You deserved it

239

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By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12149

You deserved it

22639

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34903

You deserved it

5093

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By Krash The Koopa - 2/12/2020 11:58 - United States - Litchfield Park

Convoluted storyline

Today, I discovered that the actress who played a girl I have a crush on faked her résumé. Not only that, but she wasn’t even interested in acting, she just wanted a job. And boom, she also voted for Trump. And I STILL have a crush on her character. FML

I agree, your life sucks

251

You deserved it

1021

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24509

You deserved it

57303

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By kittybad - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53259

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4394

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By bender - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20191

You deserved it

7713

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By teejayrn - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29459

You deserved it

2428

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By you - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12722

You deserved it

78673

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By fionnathehuman - United States

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25227

You deserved it

3802

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52651

You deserved it

6277

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a scary movie. I was starting to get a small headache so he gently brushed my hair. During a scary part he jumped and hit me in the head as hard as he could with the brush. I'm still recovering from the migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31563

You deserved it

5503

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By a - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26313

You deserved it

2470

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By Landdownunder - United States

Comedy gold

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

You deserved it

285

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13949

You deserved it

71509

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By ihatetheholidays

Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

I agree, your life sucks

2384

You deserved it

171

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By facepalm - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28095

You deserved it

12861

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By FootInMouth - South Africa

Today, I made fun of a friend at a dinner party after he forgot to put his engagement ring on. It turned out his fiancée actually ended the engagement last week, and everyone thinks I was being spiteful just because the girl is my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32126

You deserved it

9171

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By Money-money-money - France

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32412

You deserved it

5583

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By stillAvirgin:( - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50686

You deserved it

9083

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28998

You deserved it

3310

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By liberatedwoman - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55955

You deserved it

7348

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By Interrupted - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38677

You deserved it

8087

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806710 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:07

Did you fetch for him too?

By mssileas | 25

#7806828 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 13:54

Send him the number of your local animal shelter before you block him, most likely that's where he'll find what he's looking for.

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806710 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:07

Did you fetch for him too?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7806715 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 6:53

Did he rub your belly and give you liver snaps?

Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl?

By mssileas | 25

#7806828 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 13:54

Send him the number of your local animal shelter before you block him, most likely that's where he'll find what he's looking for.

By Laurea Lindroos | 8

#7806841 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 14:47

Ew...

By John Nemeth | 14

#7806845 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 15:09

“Woof”
-_-

By Gina Crenshaw | 4

#7806923 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 20:47

wow!! 😂

By mr_dinzaster | 16

#7807017 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 6:29

Could have been worse he could have slapped your butt and said good game every time

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7807241 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 17:36

You should have shown him that your bark wasn't worse than your bite.

By Summaria | 10

#7807424 - Thursday 30 May 2019 10:17

Are you dating Ron Swanson?