Intimacy: Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/06/2011 21:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 977

You deserved it 10 580

Broken heart

Our house, in the middle of our street

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 08/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 114

You deserved it 455

Messed up

By mee - 10/10/2020 05:01

Today, I started new meds because I’ve been emotionally numb since I was 14. I never learned how to manage real feelings and I’m on a rollercoaster that involves crying over nothing, feeling jealous of my husband’s Xbox, and getting angry at inanimate objects. Is there a return policy on this? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 968

You deserved it 304

Fucked around, found out

By anonymouss - 26/08/2021 16:01

Spicy

Today, I had to yell at both my adult children; my daughter for having an OnlyFans page and my son for finding the page, blackmailing her for money for two months, then telling me about it when she refused to keep paying. I'm not a proud parent right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 274

You deserved it 282

By Anonymous - 22/05/2013 05:38 - United States - Livingston

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 133

You deserved it 3 850

By Anonymous - 02/07/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 789

You deserved it 3 565

By Deadpool - 16/07/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 170

Family is everything

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 17:01 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I thought I would take my family to the beach for the day. My wife is sitting on the front porch, not talking to me, because after working a 60-hour week, I would rather enjoy my family and the fruits of my labor, rather than help her clean the house that she has spent all week at, doing nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 172

By got to be kidding me - 02/05/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 268

By karmafails - 01/05/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 201

You deserved it 2 348

By Anonymous - 07/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 085

You deserved it 3 439

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 20:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 813

You deserved it 5 156

By Anonymous - 20/06/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 873

You deserved it 5 834

By 1meme129 - 24/02/2016 14:12 - United States - Denver

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 256

You deserved it 1 592

By jkl54 - 01/04/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 779

You deserved it 6 505

By kaplwv116 - 27/06/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 831

You deserved it 40 552

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 01:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 170

You deserved it 8 138

By FeelingFatastic - 05/01/2015 06:08 - United States

Today, my coworker asked me if I was on a diet for my New Year's resolution. When I said no, she replied, "Why not?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 444

You deserved it 4 373

By Username - 13/02/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 621

You deserved it 3 702

By PiaNO - 10/11/2009 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 263

You deserved it 3 521

The truth will out

By ASad17Yearold - 07/05/2021 03:59

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 1 443

By Anonymous - 14/02/2013 20:23 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 820

You deserved it 3 814

By wtf - 01/05/2015 22:57 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my husband wants me to apologize for getting angry when his father told me I'm getting so fat that I look like a whale. I'm not fat, I'm just 8 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 160

You deserved it 3 169

By wtfguys - 13/10/2014 08:17 - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 190

You deserved it 3 651

By pianoblues - 17/10/2016 20:22 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 005

You deserved it 1 054

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 16:47 - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 188

You deserved it 44 942

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 18:30

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 1 310

Good enough reason

By Anonymous - 17/05/2017 20:00

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 064

You deserved it 448

By Anonymous - 14/03/2016 23:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I'm recovering from a brain injury that occurred a few months ago. The newest challenge I'm facing is thinking the floor is moving any time there is a change in colour or texture. My house has patterned tile floors and carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 757

You deserved it 1 226

By shut_up - 21/08/2013 14:08 - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 723

You deserved it 5 785

By Nick - 10/05/2011 07:37 - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 429

You deserved it 21 626

By Anonymous - 15/06/2012 17:12 - United States - Salem

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 210

You deserved it 4 390

By cloudberry - 27/05/2012 08:00 - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 710

You deserved it 2 697

By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 06:29 - United States

Today, at Arby's, there were two cute guys behind me in line. Right before ordering, my dad said loudly "Go get the calorie sheet. You need to lose more weight before you think about going after those guys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 909

You deserved it 5 323

By toomuch - 22/11/2011 09:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 265

You deserved it 12 845

Family man

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Minden

Today, my fiancé told me that his work is more important than our family. We have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 148

By This_Is_Me1982 - 03/01/2011 17:51 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 542

You deserved it 5 164

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 18:13 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 993

You deserved it 4 464

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 777

You deserved it 7 288

By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 109

You deserved it 6 813

By FYLyfer - 26/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 947

You deserved it 5 582

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Top comments

KaySL 24

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:34

"Some action." Derp.

flockz 19

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:50

a high five where her hand was the vagina and his hand was his dick.

Comments

alexsmokesdro91 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:33

sucks for youu.

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:36

a high five is physically done too! ;)

ImmortalKratos 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:39

he's gay. or just doesnt know how easy you are. don't worry he'll get there probably.....maybe....it's probably best you make the first move

yourshootingstar 4

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:39

wow action on the first date?! why not go find someone at the bar :P

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:39

Hey, a high five is definitely something to be proud of!

yourshootingstar 4

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:43

wow I derped hard lol for some reason o read first.

ImmortalKratos 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:44

29 you look vaguely familiar.....hmmm have you ever done porn?

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:45

...

simply_improper 1

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:48

what kind of moron gives a chick a high five on a date? OP you need to date a better class of men. ydi

ImmortalKratos 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:49

*I meant 30. the numbers changed 0.o

alexsmokesdro91 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:50

my point exactly.

yourshootingstar 4

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:55

34 - no porn for me

supermankisses 1

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:57

Why waste time with dates if that's all you were expecting..

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:08

third date? this makes you sound like a whore. js... watch me get like 50 thumbs down.

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:16

No, I think the guy really likes OP. Because there's more to life than just more life.

chiddy_bang71 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:26

is that legendary anchorman Ron burgundy? you stay classy San diego. (Aka a whales vagina)

alexsmokesdro91 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:28

why yes, the one and only,

dolphincheddar 10

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:06

you know, girls like you who want action that badly, all you have to do is act like a total whore and theyll be like oh hey she wants sex. it's not hard (no pun intended) you must be very bad at showing him you want something. sucks for you, but if you want something it really should suck for him instead, if you catch my load. oops I mean drift

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2011 2:08

he could be realizing he's gay? but that's more of a good guy cuz hes respecting you without getting crazy about the bearded clam.

dolphincheddar 10

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:19

138 is correct. although the bearded clam has now become a delicacy in most parts of America, Europe, and Atlantis. this man can control his hunger. he is simple trying to be a freindly young gentleman, that or he likes sea cucumbers shoved up his sewer pipe.

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2011 2:26

why not??

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:34

What were you expecting, exactly?

KaySL 24

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:34

"Some action." Derp.

smurfsarwales 9

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:37

haha win^^

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:41

Sex. Intercourse. Vaginal stimulation.

flockz 19

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:50

a high five where her hand was the vagina and his hand was his dick.

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2011 1:29

On the 3rd Date? That's my Kind of Girl

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:36

On the first date is my type of girl.

fthku 13

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:50

$50 per session is my type of girl.

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:58

at least you got something haha

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:22

hahah on the first day is my kind of girl as well

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:35

There's nothing wrong with going slow, but maybe that's too slow...

volley4eva1698 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:04

yeah damn gurl slow doowwnn! hahaha

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:35

that's still an action :P

NomOnShroomz 14

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:52

Kinky!

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:09

better then what I get

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:44

5 if they gave one of those special handshakes... I think I'ma lose it! "Miss me high hit me low!"

lilwaynerockz_fml 12

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:35

but for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction... wait that doesn't make sense. ok whatever

FreshPairOfNikes 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:36

What kind of "action" were you expecting?

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:46

Handjobs

NomOnShroomz 14

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:00

Handshakes.

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:09

Fingerfun.

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:20

Playing patty cake

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:16

hotdog through donut action

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:37

why are you complaining? you finally got some action...

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:37

doesn't seem all that bad to me. you shouldn't screw on the 3rd date anyway!

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Monday 27 June 2011 2:22

yeah, always wait 'til the fourth! jk.

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:37

Call a hooker then. :)

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:12

Hey

chiddy_bang71 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:28

87, don't flirt on fml.

chiddy_bang71 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:34

;) ohhbabbyyy!

vihan 0

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Monday 27 June 2011 1:46

how about you be my hooker? I have top $ for good service.

illegalsarcasm 3

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:37

Well, at least he considers you as one of the guys now.

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Monday 27 June 2011 0:38

Especially if boners is the one doing the high fiving

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 21

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 591