Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well....

By lizzardbreath - 31/3/2009 10:44 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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Love

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 22:43 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Class - 11/5/2012 23:52 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 04:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

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By vitalcheese - 20/5/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner... Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By annoyed - 10/2/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. After it was over I got up and noticed a designer purse sitting on the ground in the back row. I opened it to look for anything that could give me a address so I could return it. The owner came back, assumed I was robbing her, and punched me in the nose. FML

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By Kirta - 9/11/2009 15:18 - Canada

Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

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By ouchhhh - 20/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

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By bonbon789 - 27/3/2014 18:10 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 20:00

Snoop

Today, I went through my boyfriend’s emails and found out that he cheated on me the day before he asked me to move in with him. FML

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By Sarah-D - 29/7/2016 05:31

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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By JellyBite - 1/9/2019 06:00 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By Nucleus - 8/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By unsatisfied - 9/3/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

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By Toldyouso - 22/1/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's room with scented candles and surprise her when she was done showering. I lied there naked, with Kenny G playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so I told her to come in. To my surprise it was her mom. FML

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By BadKitty - 11/9/2016 13:37 - Australia - Invermay

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:12 - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By Shitmetalseller - 2/8/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

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By izu - 16/9/2011 05:40 - United States

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

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By whatiswrongwiththeworld - 14/7/2017 13:01

Tsk Tsk

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2012 04:03 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he'd had his clothes on. FML

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By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2016 22:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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By soccercrazed1520 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

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By kidneystoner - 14/10/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - 11/3/2016 01:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML

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By LittleLou - 16/10/2016 04:28 - United States

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend broke up with me. She immediately asked if it was because I didn't put out. I'm 15. FML

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By Crap - 30/7/2015 00:57 - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By Chin... uh.... - 10/5/2016 22:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

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By Ouch - 1/6/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

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By abercrombieef - 27/8/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

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By oregongrl1991 - 29/1/2010 03:32 - France

Today, my fiancé told me he didn't have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren't engaged any more, and are "dating." FML

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By tylah - 23/6/2012 15:11 - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By Rose - 15/6/2012 05:54 - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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Top comments

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#72994 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Well, at least he didn't take you to HIS wedding.

By aego56 | 0

#72955 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Jesus he's crazy... Run away!

And aside from it being uber forward/creepy, it's also a dickish move - A date takes only a little bit of your time... weddings can eat up a whole day!

Comments

By kabamitskelli | 0

#72954 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

hahahaahah well good luck with that.

By aego56 | 0

#72955 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Jesus he's crazy... Run away!

And aside from it being uber forward/creepy, it's also a dickish move - A date takes only a little bit of your time... weddings can eat up a whole day!

By manderz581 | 0

#72960 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Wow... thats really a really uncomfortable situation

By 56578 | 0

#72968 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

creepy at first glance, but maybe it was just a front for his family? Talk to him about it, if he was indeed serious, you should possibly consider leaving him. Over possessive, stalker like people aren't healthy to be in a relationship with.

purplepandaz | 0

#2361833 - Sunday 17 April 2011 9:49

agreed XD

crimsin_ | 21

#5933483 - Saturday 3 May 2014 7:10

Really? I thought over-possessive stalkers were every girls dream...

By dancin303 | 0

#72969 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

he prob always gets picked on by his family and was basically using you so he would feel like such a loser
im sure he didnt actually think your "the one" yet
but if it bothers you alot talk to him

By rachel13_fml | 0

#72971 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

Ahaha yeah. FYL

By girl_fml | 0

#72988 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:31

hahahaha.
i just laughed so hard.

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#72994 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Well, at least he didn't take you to HIS wedding.

GiddyXD | 0

#979444 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 16:28

i know right? that will be so messed up.

By bioclock | 0

#72996 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

That's like my worst nightmare right there, lol. Good luck with that.

By hurr | 0

#72997 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Usually weddings don't start at night... you got dressed in formal attire for a MORNING date? That didn't strike you as somewhat suspicious?

naya_bingi | 11

#5631374 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:24

Cause who would be crazy enough to have a wedding at sunset?!