Love: Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well....

By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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Love

Commando

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Give me my drugs!

By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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By You'veHadTwoWeeksToTellMe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

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By jj159 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By addie - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By No Nip

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my older, temporary coworker comments every time I yawn, sneeze, cough, leave my desk to use the restroom, and on what I eat at lunch, laughing the whole time. It’s driving me crazy. Only 8 more weeks. FML

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By Miserableperson

Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was running late for work and quickly grabbed my outfit from the dryer. I heard the crackling of static as I took out my shirt. I didn't think anything of it, until later when my co-worker pointed out I had a thong stuck to my back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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By shreking_bawl - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my dad sat me down and angrily accused me of doing drugs, all because he's noticed I've recently become a lot more energetic and emotional than usual. The truth is, I'd been smoking weed daily for 3 years and just decided to never smoke it again 2 weeks ago. FML

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By littledipper - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

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By Crish - 22/11/2020 05:05 - Italy

Simple plan

Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, my neighbor - whose first words to me when I moved onto the block were "I don't like your face" - called the cops and claimed I'd been exposing myself in public. His lowlife buddy backed him up on his lie. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in deep trouble thanks to them. FML

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By muddled - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so single, I signed up for a free consultation on an LGBT arranged marriage site. FML

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By snow - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

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By Angela - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

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By Anonymous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By Fuzy - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By crappingrapping - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By not-religious - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

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By Satan - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Romsey

Today, I discovered that my expensive new shampoo smells exactly like my ex-girlfriend. So now, whenever I shower, I'm showered with depression. FML

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By CatLady - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

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By Chris - 12/3/2021 20:01

NFT FML

Today, I'm still trying to get my head around what NFTs are, even though my friend walked me through the whole thing during an hour-long conversation. I guess I'm dumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 20:01

Childlike

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

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By littlepsychgirl - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fernie

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

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By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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Top comments

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#72994 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Well, at least he didn't take you to HIS wedding.

By aego56 | 0

#72955 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Jesus he's crazy... Run away!

And aside from it being uber forward/creepy, it's also a dickish move - A date takes only a little bit of your time... weddings can eat up a whole day!

COMMENTS

By kabamitskelli | 0

#72954 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

hahahaahah well good luck with that.

By aego56 | 0

#72955 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Jesus he's crazy... Run away!

And aside from it being uber forward/creepy, it's also a dickish move - A date takes only a little bit of your time... weddings can eat up a whole day!

By manderz581 | 0

#72960 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:25

Wow... thats really a really uncomfortable situation

By 56578 | 0

#72968 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

creepy at first glance, but maybe it was just a front for his family? Talk to him about it, if he was indeed serious, you should possibly consider leaving him. Over possessive, stalker like people aren't healthy to be in a relationship with.

purplepandaz | 0

#2361833 - Sunday 17 April 2011 9:49

agreed XD

crimsin_ | 21

#5933483 - Saturday 3 May 2014 7:10

Really? I thought over-possessive stalkers were every girls dream...

By dancin303 | 0

#72969 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

he prob always gets picked on by his family and was basically using you so he would feel like such a loser
im sure he didnt actually think your "the one" yet
but if it bothers you alot talk to him

By rachel13_fml | 0

#72971 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:27

Ahaha yeah. FYL

By girl_fml | 0

#72988 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:31

hahahaha.
i just laughed so hard.

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#72994 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Well, at least he didn't take you to HIS wedding.

GiddyXD | 0

#979444 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 16:28

i know right? that will be so messed up.

By bioclock | 0

#72996 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

That's like my worst nightmare right there, lol. Good luck with that.

By hurr | 0

#72997 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 21:32

Usually weddings don't start at night... you got dressed in formal attire for a MORNING date? That didn't strike you as somewhat suspicious?

naya_bingi | 11

#5631374 - Saturday 17 August 2013 9:24

Cause who would be crazy enough to have a wedding at sunset?!