Love: Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was... - FML

By hairless by death - 13/08/2013 16:07 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 195

You deserved it 4 221

BO Central

Dysfunctional

Dog hater?

By Anonymous - 26/04/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 295

You deserved it 3 937

I'm right here

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 680

You deserved it 2 177

By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 743

You deserved it 579

Great parenting

By Shawn Kotris - 17/06/2021 11:01

Today, my kids' mother, who has been absent and living in a different state for over 12 years, sent a children services worker to my house with a long list of allegations, even though she's 25k behind in support, rather than try to build a normal relationship with her kids in any kind of healthy way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 55

By Anonymous - 13/09/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 215

You deserved it 3 131

By Anonymous - 26/06/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw two extremely hot girls. I walked into their aisle and they looked at me and smiled. I stopped and pretended to look at something so I could listen to what they were saying. They started laughing and walked away. It turned out I was reading a box of tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 501

You deserved it 51 509

By ouch. - 25/09/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 3 380

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 114

Born to run

By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 151

By brittholzworth - 27/06/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 128

You deserved it 701

By Anonymous - 29/12/2018 10:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 186

You deserved it 314

By izhamilton - 20/02/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 956

You deserved it 2 753

Great boyfriend

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 23:00

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 372

You deserved it 523

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 595

You deserved it 3 859

By TotallyDoneDating - 02/05/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 785

You deserved it 731

We could be heroes…

By Fired - 08/04/2011 11:58

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 031

You deserved it 5 664

By dearbailee - 18/09/2012 14:04 - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 855

You deserved it 4 080

By smyp - 27/08/2015 08:23 - Lithuania

Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 621

You deserved it 1 596

By some_girl_19 - 05/08/2009 13:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 991

You deserved it 9 404

All over

By Anonymous - 21/02/2021 14:01

Today, after I had my wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, so of course I’m in pain. To top it off, I threw my back out today and can’t bend over. So in the end, I’m loopy from pain meds and my back hurts twice as bad as my mouth. Go figure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 62

Lonely, so lonely

By Anonymous - 01/12/2020 05:02

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents, and the usual question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absentmindedly launched the usual dating app. I swiped completely dry with no matches, reminding myself that my entire city doesn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 1 031

By failed brood mare - 17/11/2013 17:46 - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 512

You deserved it 3 100

By Say Cheese - 22/08/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 285

You deserved it 3 670

By Anonymous - 27/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 870

By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 701

You deserved it 8 841

By 2old4thiscrap - 08/12/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I am a 26 year old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 567

You deserved it 37 123

By newly passed, newly grassed - 06/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 070

You deserved it 8 364

By birthday girl - 27/10/2012 00:14 - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 100

You deserved it 2 144

By problems - 27/07/2016 06:43 - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 554

You deserved it 1 912

By King.Dick. - 02/04/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 987

You deserved it 2 968

By Daddy Tyrone - 17/09/2018 03:30

Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 092

You deserved it 721

Free healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, it's gotten to the point where I can't afford my ADD medication anymore. Now, I'm literally too poor to pay attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 76

By mobster - 26/07/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 267

You deserved it 19 630

By fecal romance - 23/11/2013 10:32 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 620

You deserved it 5 938

By pirsquared - 28/01/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 835

You deserved it 36 562

Young at heart

By nothreat33 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 506

You deserved it 3 835

Poot

By dumblonde76 - 14/09/2021 07:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I had a rumble in my tummy whilst picking up groceries. I tried to let out a little poot, but ended up shitting in my pants. I had to leave without the groceries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 334

By ladygrey - 20/07/2019 00:08

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 213

By give me an F - 05/01/2014 16:16 - United Kingdom - Corby

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 37 436

Well deserved break

By KarmaComeBack - 18/05/2021 17:01

Today, my brother told me that wanting a break by having one evening away from my son makes me look like a really bad mother. My son is three and hasn't been babysat since he was an infant, and I've been a single mum for the last 8 months. I just wanted some time to recharge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 101

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Top comments

SamanthaNGoree 10

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

Was the hair still attached to your head when he tried to floss?

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

What a weirdo.

Comments

Nick_Le_Geek 10

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:09

Maybe he needed to floss?

TheCanucklehead 22

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:18

Next time he can floss with her fist

Gothicbunnyx3 16

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:38

Because flossing with hair on a date is totally normal. If he's that desperate he should've brought floss and gone to the restroom.

\ 28

Wednesday 14 August 2013 21:45

They used to sell these quarter-sized tins of dental floss you could carry in your pocket... BUT not anymore. The corporate brains have shrunk.

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

What a weirdo.

imyy 20

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 0:43

Or maybe she just needs to trim a bit down there so it doesn't get stuck in his teeth ;-)

Misswildsides 22

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 3:39

The FML specifically says he "tried to floss with my hair" not "my hair got stuck in his teeth."

\ 28

Wednesday 14 August 2013 21:49

G

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

That's weird but it could have been a lot weirder. maybe he thought you guys were close enough to be silly together..although thats definitely crossing the line. better luck next time OP!

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:27

That'd be like some girl wiping food off her mouth with my beard. I don't care how close to a girl I am, you don't use my damn beard as a napkin. Some people just don't have any manners, and this guy seems like one. If you decide to go out again, buy the bastard some floss.

SamanthaNGoree 10

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

Was the hair still attached to your head when he tried to floss?

Gothicbunnyx3 16

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 0:08

This FML just got 1000x more disgusting if it wasn't pulled out

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 1:26

4- I don't that makes that much of a difference.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 2:15

I don't THINK*

SamanthaNGoree 10

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 2:22

45- it's disgusting either way. It would be funnier to picture if the hair were still attached.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 3:56

#50: ...I actually pictured the hair still attached to her head after reading.

illegalbeagle69 23

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 4:02

Yeah, me too! I pictured a nice romantic dinner, joking and laughing, and he stands up behind her bends down, and flosses with her hair... 50 shades of grey.. hair coloring..?

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 8:13

Clearly you don't #48

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

That's disgusting

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

Wow that sucks. Hopefully there's no second date

ohsnapcrackers 6

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 3:28

Since she used "liked" I don't think there will be

naznafeathers 22

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:10

At least he was able to save on dental floss? :p

VancouverGuy89 9

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:11

At least he didn't try to blow his nose on you

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:12

You have got to be keratin me, that's pretty unsanitary. I hope you got the hair out of there.

botanistjessica 24

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 1:54

I think those were just a little far out there, dear.

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Wednesday 14 August 2013 2:52

The hair one was okay but keratin? No.

backwoodsartdiva 14

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Tuesday 13 August 2013 23:13

Well, that situation was a little hair raising.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129

You deserved it 33

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 24