Love: Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested...

By SonofDonald - 22/01/2013 17:20 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 352

You deserved it 4 006

Love

Triage

Excuses, excuses

Question time

By JG - 10/05/2012 11:48 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 316

You deserved it 4 187

By whitechocolate - 20/07/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 823

You deserved it 2 867

We meet again

By Antonin - 13/11/2020 05:03 - Switzerland

Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 87

Compassion, brah

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 11:01

Today, I finally told my brother that I was being sexually harassed at work. I'm 22 and my brother is 41, and he literally told me that I don't even know what sexual harassment is, and then laughed in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 99

By lacsmac2 - 01/11/2015 14:10 - Australia

Today, there was a huge spider on my ceiling, so I grabbed a shoe to deal with it. Just as I jumped up to smush it, my idiot brother flicked the light off. I missed the spider, but it didn't miss my face as the impact caused it to fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 538

You deserved it 2 646

By brentkd - 20/07/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 592

You deserved it 4 737

By littlemisstiny - 29/08/2009 08:48 - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 728

You deserved it 3 954

By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 857

You deserved it 3 516

By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 211

By why me - 29/06/2016 04:41 - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 319

You deserved it 1 898

By DrunkParents - 31/03/2015 23:32 - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 773

You deserved it 2 714

This is going well

By Anonymous - 25/04/2020 14:00

Today, my husband is so bored with speaking to me, he literally walked outside when I was mid-sentence during a conversation about how I need more attention in our relationship. We've only been married 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 830

You deserved it 359

By Microtron - 03/03/2015 00:48 - United States - Oxford

Today, a friend sent me a song. I didn't have time to listen to it all, so I listened to the first 30 seconds of it to get a feel for it. It was nice and uplifting, so I sent it to my mom. Turns out, after the first 30 seconds, the singer brightens his day by singing about his enormous penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 158

You deserved it 13 376

By LesToiliettes - 25/03/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 782

You deserved it 2 136

By 3 More Months - 30/09/2013 06:02 - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 331

You deserved it 3 723

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 669

You deserved it 6 135

By ctschantz - 06/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 729

You deserved it 13 479

Not now, Yoda

By iwassoclose - 10/04/2013 16:32 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is." Orgasm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 615

You deserved it 8 773

By anonymous - 01/04/2012 18:38 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 10 305

Round and round

By Decibell - 18/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 453

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 19/02/2016 19:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 866

You deserved it 1 195

For real though?

By Anonymous - 15/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Parkesburg

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 341

You deserved it 648

By yeueid - 31/03/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 446

You deserved it 1 722

By red - 27/09/2012 11:37 - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 006

You deserved it 8 221

By unwanted - 24/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 981

You deserved it 3 675

Lonely

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year-old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on Facebook. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 6 489

By crippled shopper - 27/01/2013 05:23 - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 286

You deserved it 4 685

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 3 136

By ants9omarching - 10/03/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 509

You deserved it 5 926

By S. - 26/08/2012 16:20 - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 232

You deserved it 12 710

By Creeped Out - 29/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 117

You deserved it 378

By JT - 12/04/2011 14:19 - Canada

Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 215

You deserved it 13 380

By depressed - 03/09/2013 21:43 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 173

You deserved it 3 057

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 220

You deserved it 3 405

By BigDT - 28/01/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 667

You deserved it 4 040

By Tejanoswhy - 18/12/2015 18:16

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 701

You deserved it 1 807

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 08:40 - United States

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 854

You deserved it 7 323

By sexyfail - 26/01/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 167

You deserved it 27 704

By Madridsta - 28/06/2014 06:28 - United States - Rialto

Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 840

You deserved it 7 806

By Anonymous - 13/09/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 394

You deserved it 42 352

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Top comments

ksks1234 33

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:29

At least you found out about the STD before possibly having sex with her.

kittykaos 14

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:28

Classy.

kittykaos 14

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:28

Classy.

TheCandyHater 7

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:45

Yeah, judging from your profile I really don't think you have the right to talk

TheCandyHater 7

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:46

Yeah, judging from your profile I really don't think you have the right to talk.

lexi365 20

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:48

Well, it could have been worse.

free2speak 14

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:48

47, her profile picture says nothing about her as a person in real life. On the Internet, you can be anything you want to be. --wise words from the mouth of a flower vase.

kittykaos 14

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 0:03

Thank you #51 ^^ Ah joys of people who like to judge! I'm guessing it's my pic they don't like =p Alas hot summer days will bring out summer dresses and hats are fun to try on =)

buckdharma 36

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:37

#47, Did you mistake her for a Kit-Kat?

NuTrees 9

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 6:37

They did say they was from Flint. Michigan I assume (734 in this B~**) you can't expect to much class.

WillTay 8

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Tuesday 16 April 2013 10:56

She's probably lying to make OP lose interest

NoFlippinWai 24

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Friday 25 October 2013 14:11

Michigan in General is over flowing with class and high standards and high morality. (906 in the hizouz)

BeccaHugs 17

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:28

Bet you lost interest after that conversation, eh?

Feared 9

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:55

Yeah eh. He seems like a real hoser.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:02

#2, or it made him wonder about her rates. ;)

NickaPLZ 26

Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:59

Shit, I lost interest FOR them.

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 0:10

correction: its a she, not a he. Just thought i'd point out

rocketiquette 20

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:05

Or maybe.... She didn't want to have a second date and told a great story to not see OP again.

SillyGirl4602 23

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:11

I hope he lost interest unless he wants to get stds too

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 11:15

Am I the only one to think that she did that because she didn’t fancy him? OP says that he has been interested in her for some time. So maybe he was chasing after her for a while and she decided to put him off once and for all. A bit extreme I agree but not implausible.

ksks1234 33

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:29

At least you found out about the STD before possibly having sex with her.

shift_love 13

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 5:31

I think she was just trolling the absolute fuck out of him as a means of it not going any further than that experience.

FastidiousPear 6

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 8:15

Um, just use condoms. I know it won't guarantee op won't get anything, but doesn't matter if he has sex.

NoOneCaresReally 8

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:29

Not so keen any more, are we?

NoOneCaresReally 8

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:31

Sorry #2 got there first :(

CheeseHater 23

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:34

No one cares, really.

Schizomaniac 24

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:41

Cheese hater.

carry_on 19

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:30

Either she invented that and you got 'friend zoned' or she's just disgusting. Either way consider it a lucky escape, your better off out of it!

TheNewGuy03 28

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 11:22

Her excuse was mighty brilliant if you asked me. It also seems to be difficult to even make conversation after dropping that nuclear bomb of a story. Either way, that's quite the letdown.

babygirl_015 11

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:30

RUN

kobelstone23 13

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:31

Did she make you pay her for the date? "Let'sss see, 2 hours for the movie, 2 hours for dinner...you owe me 700 dollars"

abrookec2011 14

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 6:50

$175/hour. Maybe I should rethink my career.

kobelstone23 13

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Wednesday 23 January 2013 6:51

Ha, you did the math!

VannahJane 17

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:32

Maybe you should be the one to pull the bathroom card now

hawright 13

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:33

Who discusses this at the table?

Silent_Thrill 17

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:40

Better than discussing it in bed.

hawright 13

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:43

Ha ha, touché 14. Much better.

olpally 32

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 22:37

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... Except herpes, that shit comes back with you. Lol. Fyl!

olpally 32

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 23:05

How has it been overused??? I haven't seen it in months on here! Oh well. Thanks buzz killington. I suppose that's over used too? Lol. Stop being so critical. Sheesh.