Health: Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my...

By jazzie7719 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Great speech, thanks!

Optimism

By bojangles - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

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By WasFeelingGood - United States

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

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By phant776 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

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By bruised - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

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By sadsadboy - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By maggieyokoi

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By ticketed

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By Anonymous

Wrong place, right time

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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By A.K. - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

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By sad - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Andy

Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML

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By Red

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

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By anonymous

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

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By jamerz

Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML

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By scumbag i guess - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

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By TimeWasted - 22/9/2020 14:04 - United States - Tallahassee

Out of the frying pan

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By Richard - United States

Today, a DNA test proved that my 2-month-old daughter isn't mine. The real father is my girlfriend's husband, whom she married last year when she lied to me about going on a vacation. We've been together for three years and I never knew. FML

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By Tali - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was offered a position as a trainer at a great company. My manager was livid when I told her. This is after she told me I was wasting my time trying to become a trainer and if I wanted to become one, I should apply elsewhere. FML

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By UniqueKay

Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Bad, bad mom

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

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By mmmretail - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I had a customer tell me how much she regretted not aborting her expected child, how much she hates the father, and described to me in immense detail what it is like to pee while pregnant. All within the 30 seconds it took me to serve her. FML

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By fishtacos - United States - Fontana

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

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By Sufia

Technically Correct: The Best Kind of Correct

Today, my teacher called me "stupid and ignorant" for referring to myself as Asian. I'm from Pakistan. Pakistan is in Asia. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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By BossesLittleBrat - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

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By Extended_desktop - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By IMadeAHandicappedPersonCry - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was walking to my dorm room while it was snowing heavily. I saw a girl in a wheelchair trying to get up a slippery incline. Being a good person, I asked to help. I'm a pretty weak guy, and I couldn't push her up. She wheeled away crying because she thought she was fat. FML

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By flyingpuppy - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

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By Meowitzer

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

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By Tris

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By amy

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By muffin - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By Anonymous

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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Top comments

By umerin | 32

#6076599 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:58

I guess an apple a day really does keep the doctor away.

By ElricMustang | 23

#6076601 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I'm just surprised she kept an apple in her pocket, expecting to have to throw it at you lol

COMMENTS

By umerin | 32

#6076599 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:58

I guess an apple a day really does keep the doctor away.

thecalvin123 | 21

#6076602 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:00

Ah damn, you beat me to it

JH159753 | 21

#6076628 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:16

#1 you beat me to the punch. Take my like good sir.

Saikon1357 | 25

#6076702 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:29

Ya know, if people threw an apple at me everyday. I'd stay the hell away from them, too.

ExorcistParrot | 11

#6076703 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:40

It's very cute that she did this, but I am so sorry for you.

woahwhatchild | 9

#6076743 - Monday 29 September 2014 10:49

Oh man you fast haha

romeonsingcross | 15

#6076758 - Monday 29 September 2014 12:15

Not necessarily, I'm sure that she still got the shot.

xSLEEPYxHEADx | 22

#6076815 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:44

How does an apple even fit into someone's pocket?? o.O

wanted_2_want | 40

#6076854 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:18

Literally, #1!!!

ashtic | 20

#6076864 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:33

Beat us All to it :/

tishtashbat | 16

#6077003 - Monday 29 September 2014 18:19

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough!

jazzie7719 | 10

#6077309 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 0:54

Yeah she did

Rallred32 | 20

#6077350 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 1:50

37, how is throwing an apple at someone cute? It's disrespectful, and I don't care if people don't like doctors or shots but treat them with some respect. If that was my kid her buttcheeks would be feeling a wee bit sore right now.

therealtixe | 8

#6077673 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 12:52

HAHA that's what I'm fucking wondering LOL!!

GingaNinja01 | 15

#6078946 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:02

How is that cute?

drbakhonlock | 18

#6241911 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 7:46

Damn I was too late to make that comment. Lmao

By jazzybelle98 | 4

#6076600 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I like the way she was thinking...throw an apple to keep the doctor away

wastingtimeisfun | 12

#6076659 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:02

You didn't even deliver it well

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076788 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:26

#24 I was thinking the same thing, but you beat me to it!

By ElricMustang | 23

#6076601 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I'm just surprised she kept an apple in her pocket, expecting to have to throw it at you lol

whensatanstrikes | 12

#6076706 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:47

she probably was supposed eat it.

HackNSlashHD | 10

#6077272 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 0:19

That or she knew to keep it handy knowing she was going to the doctor soon

By inode | 4

#6076604 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:00

should have caught the apple and taken a bite out of it.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496398 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:13

"And gere the director said let's make her eat an apple in this scene. It'll make her look even more like an asshole!"
God I need to stop watching cinemasins!