Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my...

By jazzie7719 - 28/9/2014 19:26 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

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Health

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

The student becomes the master

Tidy your room

By dentallycorrect - 19/8/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, while casually sitting at a bar, a drunk biker with no teeth leaned over and tried to kiss me. I'm a sailor in the Navy, but I think I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent - 12/2/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By Hahapasdroleleptit - 10/5/2011 14:56 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

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By whatabitch - 16/9/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 15:31 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

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By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By Charlie - 5/5/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By NoJob - 24/9/2016 06:41 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

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By - 4/4/2019 00:00

Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 23:45

Only tighty whities

Today, my brother aged 12 years old tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

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By Kristat - 1/4/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By whattheactualfuck - 22/1/2016 12:50 - South Africa - Durban

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

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By cass - 10/5/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By blackcarnation - 22/12/2013 21:56 - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

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By imaloser - 6/7/2009 23:27 - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

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By mypelvishurts - 23/2/2013 07:32 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By haphazard2007 - 2/1/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML

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By shitfaced - 18/9/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

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By Letteh - 19/5/2017 00:00

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By pokeOww - 13/9/2019 22:00

Dash!

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

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By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2012 10:35 - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

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By InDisbelief - 12/4/2013 20:17 - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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By I Like My Cat - 21/12/2012 10:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

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By LOLOLOLOL - 20/8/2012 08:55 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - 21/4/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2012 00:57 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

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By jkbeynon - 3/3/2013 04:18 - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I told my mom that I heard something, and I think we have rats in the attic and should hire an exterminator. She looked at me and said, "Rats, huh? That's what the mom in The Exorcist thought, but it turned out to be the devil living up there." FML

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By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By Kevin - 9/9/2011 12:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

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By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

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By fml1977 - 4/3/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

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By Idiocracy - 24/4/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

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By miseventshappen - 9/11/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 13:30 - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

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Top comments

By umerin | 32

#6076599 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:58

I guess an apple a day really does keep the doctor away.

By ElricMustang | 23

#6076601 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I'm just surprised she kept an apple in her pocket, expecting to have to throw it at you lol

Comments

By umerin | 32

#6076599 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:58

I guess an apple a day really does keep the doctor away.

thecalvin123 | 21

#6076602 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:00

Ah damn, you beat me to it

JH159753 | 21

#6076628 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:16

#1 you beat me to the punch. Take my like good sir.

Saikon1357 | 25

#6076702 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:29

Ya know, if people threw an apple at me everyday. I'd stay the hell away from them, too.

ExorcistParrot | 11

#6076703 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:40

It's very cute that she did this, but I am so sorry for you.

woahwhatchild | 9

#6076743 - Monday 29 September 2014 10:49

Oh man you fast haha

romeonsingcross | 15

#6076758 - Monday 29 September 2014 12:15

Not necessarily, I'm sure that she still got the shot.

xSLEEPYxHEADx | 22

#6076815 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:44

How does an apple even fit into someone's pocket?? o.O

wanted_2_want | 40

#6076854 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:18

Literally, #1!!!

ashtic | 20

#6076864 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:33

Beat us All to it :/

tishtashbat | 16

#6077003 - Monday 29 September 2014 18:19

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough!

jazzie7719 | 10

#6077309 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 0:54

Yeah she did

Rallred32 | 20

#6077350 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 1:50

37, how is throwing an apple at someone cute? It's disrespectful, and I don't care if people don't like doctors or shots but treat them with some respect. If that was my kid her buttcheeks would be feeling a wee bit sore right now.

therealtixe | 8

#6077673 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 12:52

HAHA that's what I'm fucking wondering LOL!!

GingaNinja01 | 15

#6078946 - Thursday 2 October 2014 4:02

How is that cute?

drbakhonlock | 18

#6241911 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 7:46

Damn I was too late to make that comment. Lmao

By jazzybelle98 | 4

#6076600 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I like the way she was thinking...throw an apple to keep the doctor away

wastingtimeisfun | 12

#6076659 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:02

You didn't even deliver it well

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076788 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:26

#24 I was thinking the same thing, but you beat me to it!

By ElricMustang | 23

#6076601 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:59

I'm just surprised she kept an apple in her pocket, expecting to have to throw it at you lol

whensatanstrikes | 12

#6076706 - Monday 29 September 2014 8:47

she probably was supposed eat it.

HackNSlashHD | 10

#6077272 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 0:19

That or she knew to keep it handy knowing she was going to the doctor soon

By inode | 4

#6076604 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:00

should have caught the apple and taken a bite out of it.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7496398 - Tuesday 18 July 2017 7:13

"And gere the director said let's make her eat an apple in this scene. It'll make her look even more like an asshole!"
God I need to stop watching cinemasins!