Miscellaneous: Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined... - FML

By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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So you had a bad day…

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

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By InsaneIdiots

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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By chrono19 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By raiyne

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

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By Robbins - United Kingdom

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

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By targe - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Ash_U

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By damn it rose - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my ex-girlfriend proposed to me, at my wedding. FML

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By Mmm - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By DM - United States - Fayville

Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

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By Hurtingincanada

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

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By Dani - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By :$ - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

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By gudmarjoh - Iceland

Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

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By Anonymous

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By Sigh - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

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By furryballoon - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

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By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By infected - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

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By ilu.xo - Canada

Today, I found out the guy I've been seeing for 3 months lives at home with his parents. He's 30. They live in a '50+ only' housing complex and he sneaks in the side door. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I found out that my best friend used the sexy dance moves she asked me to teach her to get into my ex-boyfriend’s pants. We dated for two years and broke up less than a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I accidentally hit someone's car while at the supermarket. I left a note, went shopping, and when I came back my windows were shattered, my tires were slashed and "f you" was written on my windshield. FML

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By fuck florida - United States - San Francisco

Cool trick, mom

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

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By redeye - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

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By OTZ - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By SugarMyBalls - United States - Winder

Today, I had been trying to text my girlfriend all day, but no reply. After a while, I became worried so I called. She picked up and said, "Can't talk, busy." Not even a minute later, my best friend says to me, "Dude, tell your girlfriend to leave me alone. She's been texting me all day." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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Top comments

By Peroxide | 3

#655988 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:43

I like the fact he took the effort to enlarge the pic, but im disappointed he didn't photoshop himself into it with a couple of kids.

By SaintJimmy | 0

#655944 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:20

Oh wow. That's really creepy. I think you should probably talk to whatever part of your company deals with obsessive creepers.

COMMENTS

By HarrisonVR | 17

#655940 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#656600 - Thursday 5 November 2009 21:43

He might have a shrine dedicated to you in his closet like that kid on Hey Arnold! D:

Reply

hoschiadedodi | 0

#656648 - Thursday 5 November 2009 22:34

Why beat up? She should have the courage to just take it as a compliment.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#901950 - Monday 1 March 2010 0:58

Maybe it was Tiger Woods in disguise and you're gonna be ho #16.

Reply

alexomAnexo | 0

#916659 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:22

the dod you're hot

Reply

iwuvwolfz | 0

#1632929 - Sunday 31 October 2010 19:15

If you wanna hit on someone, go like his: The dod, you're hawt, would you like to suck on my cawk?

By Xellith | 5

#655941 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:19

psssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyccoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#986950 - Saturday 1 May 2010 12:12

You missed a 'h'.

Reply

akg98 | 13

#5435594 - Friday 5 April 2013 6:33

^^^^^ *an

By SaintJimmy | 0

#655944 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:20

Oh wow. That's really creepy. I think you should probably talk to whatever part of your company deals with obsessive creepers.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#964741 - Saturday 20 March 2010 6:25

lol #3

Reply

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816011 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:34

You mean the police? Damn.

By herbertx | 0

#655957 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:25

you should keep the wallet and max out all his cards

By LilKonvicted | 0

#655960 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:26

Creepy stalker much?

Reply

spovich_fml | 0

#1045718 - Sunday 27 June 2010 5:00

lol

Reply

aliciamartinez15 | 11

#5154043 - Friday 16 November 2012 7:06

If u ever need a date to the office Christmas party...

Reply

delude | 26

#5952772 - Thursday 22 May 2014 1:44

Lol hasn't he heard? Never mix business with stalking

By BB7 | 0

#655965 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:28

That's cute... you've got yourself a personal stalker :)

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#656356 - Thursday 5 November 2009 19:07

Yes because I find all of my stalkers adorable! I have a cutesy nickname for each one. Oh look! Here comes Twitchy, he's my favorite ;)

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#656443 - Thursday 5 November 2009 20:17

Hey, it's Knifey! Hi Knifey, can you walk me through this dark alley?

Reply

Knifey | 0

#656896 - Friday 6 November 2009 1:58

you call?

Reply

stolencookie | 17

#4219406 - Monday 26 March 2012 22:02

Lmao 62. That made my day.

By Peroxide | 3

#655988 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:43

I like the fact he took the effort to enlarge the pic, but im disappointed he didn't photoshop himself into it with a couple of kids.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656046 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:31

Either you have an amazing sense of humour, or you have done this before lol!
Anyway, she should be happy, she has a new fan ^^

Reply

fireandice27 | 0

#656090 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:01

I'm sure he has already. Unfortunately, a family picture of such photoshopped complexity requires more space than a wallet to do it justice. It's probably hanging on his living room wall.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656093 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:02

Talking from experience as well then I take it!

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#656131 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:38

Yes my future wife and I have 2 kids. We go on all sorts of holidays together. The strange thing is she's wearing the same clothes in all of the photos and has the exact same expression on her face. We're one big happy family. I'll tell her about it some day...

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656191 - Thursday 5 November 2009 16:13

I really enjoy love stories with happy endings. Don't you let her get away!

By keenaz | 0

#655994 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:46

lol at #7, maybe he just hasn't gotten around to it yet.

By baby_gurl2405 | 0

#655996 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:48

haha wow. that rly sux. i say go enlarge a diferent employes pic and show THAT too him ;)

Reply

Val0 | 17

#6447973 - Thursday 29 October 2015 19:20

Go back to school

By fireandice27 | 0

#655998 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:51

Flattering, yes, but incredibly creepy.

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#656054 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:36

I'd certainly never do it, but evidently the sight of you inspires him. I say don't take it personally.