Miscellaneous: Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined... - FML

By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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Trust

True hero

Litter

By Becca_Jo - United States - Caledonia

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

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By wallflower - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By rileycrash - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

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By Chessmomma3

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Three's company

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

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By julia - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By whotouchedyou1 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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By hungry hungry harvey - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

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By Faktafem

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

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By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 02:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Nokia 3310 FTW

Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By Gary

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

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By Oh no

Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML

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By rhythmbandit - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

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By charliemann_ - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 14:01

No excuse

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

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By atsukobo - 2/11/2020 22:59 - United States

Cover up

Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML

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By HeatherRosure18 - United States - Glendale Heights

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

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By why.mom

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By oh... - United States - Springfield

Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By magicman - United States

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By SimpleSimon - United Kingdom

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

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By 14YearOld - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

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By Monique - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By tardspawn - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 23:02

Is this a joke?

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

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Top comments

By Peroxide | 3

#655988 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:43

I like the fact he took the effort to enlarge the pic, but im disappointed he didn't photoshop himself into it with a couple of kids.

By SaintJimmy | 0

#655944 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:20

Oh wow. That's really creepy. I think you should probably talk to whatever part of your company deals with obsessive creepers.

COMMENTS

By HarrisonVR | 17

#655940 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#656600 - Thursday 5 November 2009 21:43

He might have a shrine dedicated to you in his closet like that kid on Hey Arnold! D:

Reply

hoschiadedodi | 0

#656648 - Thursday 5 November 2009 22:34

Why beat up? She should have the courage to just take it as a compliment.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#901950 - Monday 1 March 2010 0:58

Maybe it was Tiger Woods in disguise and you're gonna be ho #16.

Reply

alexomAnexo | 0

#916659 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:22

the dod you're hot

Reply

iwuvwolfz | 0

#1632929 - Sunday 31 October 2010 19:15

If you wanna hit on someone, go like his: The dod, you're hawt, would you like to suck on my cawk?

By Xellith | 5

#655941 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:19

psssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyccoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Reply

Spongii101 | 12

#986950 - Saturday 1 May 2010 12:12

You missed a 'h'.

Reply

akg98 | 13

#5435594 - Friday 5 April 2013 6:33

^^^^^ *an

By SaintJimmy | 0

#655944 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:20

Oh wow. That's really creepy. I think you should probably talk to whatever part of your company deals with obsessive creepers.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#964741 - Saturday 20 March 2010 6:25

lol #3

Reply

harshallmeim69 | 9

#5816011 - Saturday 4 January 2014 5:34

You mean the police? Damn.

By herbertx | 0

#655957 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:25

you should keep the wallet and max out all his cards

By LilKonvicted | 0

#655960 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:26

Creepy stalker much?

Reply

spovich_fml | 0

#1045718 - Sunday 27 June 2010 5:00

lol

Reply

aliciamartinez15 | 11

#5154043 - Friday 16 November 2012 7:06

If u ever need a date to the office Christmas party...

Reply

delude | 26

#5952772 - Thursday 22 May 2014 1:44

Lol hasn't he heard? Never mix business with stalking

By BB7 | 0

#655965 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:28

That's cute... you've got yourself a personal stalker :)

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#656356 - Thursday 5 November 2009 19:07

Yes because I find all of my stalkers adorable! I have a cutesy nickname for each one. Oh look! Here comes Twitchy, he's my favorite ;)

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#656443 - Thursday 5 November 2009 20:17

Hey, it's Knifey! Hi Knifey, can you walk me through this dark alley?

Reply

Knifey | 0

#656896 - Friday 6 November 2009 1:58

you call?

Reply

stolencookie | 17

#4219406 - Monday 26 March 2012 22:02

Lmao 62. That made my day.

By Peroxide | 3

#655988 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:43

I like the fact he took the effort to enlarge the pic, but im disappointed he didn't photoshop himself into it with a couple of kids.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656046 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:31

Either you have an amazing sense of humour, or you have done this before lol!
Anyway, she should be happy, she has a new fan ^^

Reply

fireandice27 | 0

#656090 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:01

I'm sure he has already. Unfortunately, a family picture of such photoshopped complexity requires more space than a wallet to do it justice. It's probably hanging on his living room wall.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656093 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:02

Talking from experience as well then I take it!

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#656131 - Thursday 5 November 2009 14:38

Yes my future wife and I have 2 kids. We go on all sorts of holidays together. The strange thing is she's wearing the same clothes in all of the photos and has the exact same expression on her face. We're one big happy family. I'll tell her about it some day...

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#656191 - Thursday 5 November 2009 16:13

I really enjoy love stories with happy endings. Don't you let her get away!

By keenaz | 0

#655994 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:46

lol at #7, maybe he just hasn't gotten around to it yet.

By baby_gurl2405 | 0

#655996 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:48

haha wow. that rly sux. i say go enlarge a diferent employes pic and show THAT too him ;)

Reply

Val0 | 17

#6447973 - Thursday 29 October 2015 19:20

Go back to school

By fireandice27 | 0

#655998 - Thursday 5 November 2009 12:51

Flattering, yes, but incredibly creepy.

Reply

BeeSkwaird | 0

#656054 - Thursday 5 November 2009 13:36

I'd certainly never do it, but evidently the sight of you inspires him. I say don't take it personally.