Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie.... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 16:29 - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

They're everywhere

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By tumbleshay - 21/3/2015 01:32 - United States - Veneta

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

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By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By oldmold - 23/7/2020 17:01

Extreme cooking

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

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By yek - 24/12/2015 19:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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By pardon my English :$ - 9/8/2013 22:53 - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By Rinelric1998 - 31/10/2013 02:59 - United States - Greensboro

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

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By onehundredpercenteffed - 14/8/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

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By Shame - 19/9/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

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By goner - 1/5/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By effedfosh - 7/4/2009 04:53 - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By stunned - 15/3/2010 15:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML

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By me - 11/11/2015 17:10 - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 20:25 - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

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By Shamu - 14/2/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By Is_This_Real - 13/9/2016 02:34 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By stifledbyyou - 12/12/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

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By obsequiousfannyflapper - 10/2/2013 23:13 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

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By "Keira McArthur" - 25/12/2018 20:00

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

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By c.hip - 19/8/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By rain1 - 6/1/2014 02:54 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

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By heartbroken - 10/7/2013 19:08 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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By Munkeh - 12/4/2012 20:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Faithful

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

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By Jaymz - 26/6/2018 15:00

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 10:07

Tell, don't show

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

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By Non-active - 25/9/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By FennFoxx - 21/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By busfail - 22/3/2012 18:00 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

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By LockedOut - 2/11/2013 06:27 - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By disappoint - 8/12/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

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Top comments

By smile2312 | 16

#6351683 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:00

oh goodness, what happened after???

By carebear1228 | 20

#6351692 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

another victim petrified by thier father's basilisk.

COMMENTS

By smile2312 | 16

#6351683 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:00

oh goodness, what happened after???

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6351709 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:10

The bad start to a porno movie..

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#6351760 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:05

Are there ever any good starts to porno movies?

Reply

Hoopachi | 19

#6351771 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:21

Surprise buttsex

Reply

Jflowers9296 | 14

#6351791 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:48

It's her father!!!!!! Where did you think that would be appropriate or funny?

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6351847 - Thursday 16 July 2015 3:22

The Lannisters & Targaryens would approve of porno like that!

#30, theres a shit tonne of father/daughter porn on the Internet... So... Y'know...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6351863 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:11

this is one FML that should NOT be illustrated

Reply

Roskie | 16

#6351979 - Thursday 16 July 2015 6:34

No one is saying anything the original post didn't imply.

Reply

demonte_jones | 19

#6352195 - Thursday 16 July 2015 15:38

#27 that wasn't clever nor funny

#30 calm your tits

Reply

alexanderavatar | 24

#6352230 - Thursday 16 July 2015 17:31

how do you know? what do you watch

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#6353181 - Friday 17 July 2015 19:43

#44: It's still possible though.

Reply

Jflowers9296 | 14

#6356250 - Monday 20 July 2015 21:33

K

By DemHaxBro | 20

#6351685 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:01

Go buy some mind bleech

Reply

ChristinePi | 36

#6351695 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:04

Bleach*

Reply

killer6969 | 16

#6351989 - Thursday 16 July 2015 6:53

Bleech is the next form of bleach, much stronger and efficient and seriously necessary.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#6351996 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

BigC_from_Bama | 16

#6352022 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:27

My gut tells me he was joking #66

Reply

cmchappy | 25

#6352030 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:34

Got all scientific to look smart oh the irony

Reply

firemedic841 | 11

#6352091 - Thursday 16 July 2015 9:15

#66 used too much bleach when dihydrogen monoxide was in order.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#6352113 - Thursday 16 July 2015 10:20

Your gut is correct 67, but I'm not surprised or concerned by the down votes Some times facetious moods strike me ;)

Reply

Fymlife | 14

#6352175 - Thursday 16 July 2015 14:22

#66 You must have a hard time grasping the concept of sarcasm.

Reply

deathshead | 19

#6422902 - Tuesday 29 September 2015 12:58

I dont know about 66, but the thing that makes sarcasm hard for me is that its not being verbally said and im always "sarcastic" weither I axtually am or not.

By jessie841 | 11

#6351690 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Wow that must have been awkward... Sorry you had to deal with your dad mistaking you as your mom. But I am curious as to what you did... I think we need a follow up!

By Amydervaux | 20

#6351691 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6351716 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:20

Wouldn't that mean your dad would have been talking to you, his daughter?

Reply

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6351726 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:29

#16 oh god... not that porno

Reply

Fmlsea | 28

#6352117 - Thursday 16 July 2015 10:38

there could've been a similar situation if you lived with your dad and he had a gf who was either staying or living at the house too.

By carebear1228 | 20

#6351692 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

another victim petrified by thier father's basilisk.

Reply

Karinrinkashi | 9

#6351841 - Thursday 16 July 2015 3:09

that comment...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6351866 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:12

ball sack?

Reply

moosetracks22 | 10

#6351874 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:17

Basilisk- a type of snake/serpent, see Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets for more info.

But seeing your father's ball sack would be equally frightening

Reply

Attacksloth | 33

#6351929 - Thursday 16 July 2015 5:19

LMFAO THIS IS HONESTLY THE BEST REPLY I THINK I'VE EVER READ

Reply

Wallflowerchild | 12

#6352291 - Thursday 16 July 2015 18:50

The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware.

By emilytheperson | 17

#6351693 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Noo D: that's the worst.

By Zwerik | 31

#6351694 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Oh my god... I really want to know what happened next, actually.

Reply

vsus98 | 22

#6351890 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:43

Your profile pic is approriate.

By Yazoo77 | 16

#6351696 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:04

RIP OP's ears.

By Anonypus | 20

#6351704 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:07

Good luck erasing that memory!

By KingLewisII | 34

#6351705 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:07

This is what happens when you tell your dad you're feeling naughty

Reply

Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6351920 - Thursday 16 July 2015 5:15

I see what you did there.