Miscellaneous: Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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Taking stock

They're everywhere

Damp, dark night

By someone72 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

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By laundryduty

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By "ali927truthh"

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By Jesse from - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By WorstLifeEver - United States

Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML

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By lynxstorm - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML

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By Anonymous

Once you see it…

Today, it was brought to my attention that my dog has a giant anus. I'd never noticed. Now I can't stop staring at his silver dollar-sized backdoor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bromley

Testing times

Today, I took my driver's test. I was confident and thought everything would go well. My boss ended up calling me several times during the test. Turns out my colleague never showed up to cover for me, and my boss blamed me. Not only did I fail my test, I'm now suspended from work too. FML

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Golden shower

Today, I had my first golden shower. Too bad it was from my cat. FML

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By Ramis182 - United States

Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML

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By exchange - Ireland

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML

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By AnonUser464 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By jabba - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Richocet - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a two-hour bus ride to get to orientation, got stuck a block away because the pedestrian sidewalk was closed, waited half-an-hour for my ride in the rain, when someone called the cops on me for acting suspicious. I got to the interview soaking wet, and they told me they'd rescheduled. FML

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By ohmy. - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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By HardTimes

Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lombard

Today, I found out that my daughter has been stuffing my push-up bras and lipstick into her backpack, putting them on at school, and taking them off before she gets home. She's 9. The only reason I found out is because her teacher reported me to social services. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

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By fire starter - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By Banker - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By youngblood - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. His reason was because he's moving away for college. That won't be for another year. FML

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By swee t - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

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By sleepingonmydesk - United Kingdom - Longfield

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

TMI

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By mel - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By ashhatches - United States

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

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By HauntLife

Boo!

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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By unsatisfied - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

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Top comments

By smile2312 | 16

#6351683 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:00

oh goodness, what happened after???

By carebear1228 | 20

#6351692 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

another victim petrified by thier father's basilisk.

COMMENTS

By smile2312 | 16

#6351683 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:00

oh goodness, what happened after???

Reply

JMichael | 25

#6351709 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:10

The bad start to a porno movie..

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#6351760 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:05

Are there ever any good starts to porno movies?

Reply

Hoopachi | 19

#6351771 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:21

Surprise buttsex

Reply

Jflowers9296 | 14

#6351791 - Thursday 16 July 2015 1:48

It's her father!!!!!! Where did you think that would be appropriate or funny?

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6351847 - Thursday 16 July 2015 3:22

The Lannisters & Targaryens would approve of porno like that!

#30, theres a shit tonne of father/daughter porn on the Internet... So... Y'know...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6351863 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:11

this is one FML that should NOT be illustrated

Reply

Roskie | 16

#6351979 - Thursday 16 July 2015 6:34

No one is saying anything the original post didn't imply.

Reply

demonte_jones | 19

#6352195 - Thursday 16 July 2015 15:38

#27 that wasn't clever nor funny

#30 calm your tits

Reply

alexanderavatar | 24

#6352230 - Thursday 16 July 2015 17:31

how do you know? what do you watch

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#6353181 - Friday 17 July 2015 19:43

#44: It's still possible though.

Reply

Jflowers9296 | 14

#6356250 - Monday 20 July 2015 21:33

K

By DemHaxBro | 20

#6351685 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:01

Go buy some mind bleech

Reply

ChristinePi | 36

#6351695 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:04

Bleach*

Reply

killer6969 | 16

#6351989 - Thursday 16 July 2015 6:53

Bleech is the next form of bleach, much stronger and efficient and seriously necessary.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#6351996 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

BigC_from_Bama | 16

#6352022 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:27

My gut tells me he was joking #66

Reply

cmchappy | 25

#6352030 - Thursday 16 July 2015 7:34

Got all scientific to look smart oh the irony

Reply

firemedic841 | 11

#6352091 - Thursday 16 July 2015 9:15

#66 used too much bleach when dihydrogen monoxide was in order.

Reply

B1ackthesun | 31

#6352113 - Thursday 16 July 2015 10:20

Your gut is correct 67, but I'm not surprised or concerned by the down votes Some times facetious moods strike me ;)

Reply

Fymlife | 14

#6352175 - Thursday 16 July 2015 14:22

#66 You must have a hard time grasping the concept of sarcasm.

Reply

deathshead | 19

#6422902 - Tuesday 29 September 2015 12:58

I dont know about 66, but the thing that makes sarcasm hard for me is that its not being verbally said and im always "sarcastic" weither I axtually am or not.

By jessie841 | 11

#6351690 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Wow that must have been awkward... Sorry you had to deal with your dad mistaking you as your mom. But I am curious as to what you did... I think we need a follow up!

By Amydervaux | 20

#6351691 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xKrisSmoove | 21

#6351716 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:20

Wouldn't that mean your dad would have been talking to you, his daughter?

Reply

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6351726 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:29

#16 oh god... not that porno

Reply

Fmlsea | 28

#6352117 - Thursday 16 July 2015 10:38

there could've been a similar situation if you lived with your dad and he had a gf who was either staying or living at the house too.

By carebear1228 | 20

#6351692 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

another victim petrified by thier father's basilisk.

Reply

Karinrinkashi | 9

#6351841 - Thursday 16 July 2015 3:09

that comment...

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6351866 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:12

ball sack?

Reply

moosetracks22 | 10

#6351874 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:17

Basilisk- a type of snake/serpent, see Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets for more info.

But seeing your father's ball sack would be equally frightening

Reply

Attacksloth | 33

#6351929 - Thursday 16 July 2015 5:19

LMFAO THIS IS HONESTLY THE BEST REPLY I THINK I'VE EVER READ

Reply

Wallflowerchild | 12

#6352291 - Thursday 16 July 2015 18:50

The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware.

By emilytheperson | 17

#6351693 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Noo D: that's the worst.

By Zwerik | 31

#6351694 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:03

Oh my god... I really want to know what happened next, actually.

Reply

vsus98 | 22

#6351890 - Thursday 16 July 2015 4:43

Your profile pic is approriate.

By Yazoo77 | 16

#6351696 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:04

RIP OP's ears.

By Anonypus | 20

#6351704 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:07

Good luck erasing that memory!

By KingLewisII | 34

#6351705 - Thursday 16 July 2015 0:07

This is what happens when you tell your dad you're feeling naughty

Reply

Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6351920 - Thursday 16 July 2015 5:15

I see what you did there.