Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 09:01 - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

What did I do?

Capitalism kills

By Brookie Bear - 4/4/2017 20:00

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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By Tytonic - 2/2/2016 22:25 - United States - Washington

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

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By rissa5214 - 26/7/2015 18:20 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

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By ouchbrow - 10/8/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - 2/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 18:20 - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

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By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By andifalls - 24/1/2011 05:11

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

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By LifeSucks - 29/10/2008 11:57 - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 04:48 - Australia

Today, my grandpa died. I decided to call my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit: "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

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By smileytheface - 6/12/2011 03:54 - United States

Today, my car got stolen. While I was standing ten feet away from it. FML

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By hunnybaby0319 - 2/10/2010 22:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

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By x_udontknowme_x - 5/1/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 20:00 - Australia

Itchy and Scratchy

Today, I put a collar on my dog to get rid of his fleas. Good news? He doesn't have fleas anymore. Bad news? They've moved onto the rest of my family. FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By sandiego - 22/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 07:23 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By imalwaystired - 21/1/2010 20:20 - France

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML

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By angry girlfriend - 22/5/2012 14:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By Ambar - 15/2/2010 17:02 - Canada

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

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By nametag - 9/6/2009 02:07 - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By Ali - 5/3/2017 22:30 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

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By no that does not help - 20/8/2013 13:41 - United States - Austin

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

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By LaLa - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By initforthewrongreasons - 18/5/2017 02:00

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least 4 relationships. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By Gahh... - 3/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

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By FMJoblessL - 4/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By Live02Dance - 25/6/2011 12:58 - United States

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 17:02

Loss

Today, I confessed my feelings to my best friend, how I'm deeply in love with him. The consequence wasn't good, as he told we should never talk to each other again. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - 21/7/2016 15:25 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By shoelace18 - 6/9/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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By ShittyKeys - 6/11/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - 18/9/2014 03:14 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 04:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 21:49 - Canada - Drumheller

Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML

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Top comments

By VickyG17 | 4

#1928100 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:12

You were gonna do it in his parents living room? YDI

By ulicksam | 0

#1928121 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:15

He still lives at home, so you shouldn't be doing it there anyway, but at least do it in his room. You're an idiot and you deserve it.

COMMENTS

By VickyG17 | 4

#1928100 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:12

You were gonna do it in his parents living room? YDI

Reply

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1928479 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 18:59

Let's face it if the genders were reversed the situation would have been far worse of the OP.

Reply

angel9413 | 0

#2048549 - Saturday 5 February 2011 15:48

so true

By ulicksam | 0

#1928121 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:15

He still lives at home, so you shouldn't be doing it there anyway, but at least do it in his room. You're an idiot and you deserve it.

Reply

baden18830 | 5

#2276011 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:20

if they live with their parents they have to do it at the house. if you disagree you're either a virgin or over 40.

Reply

Vagabond89 | 0

#2342279 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 6:48

at 72 there's a

By doumtabarnack | 12

#1928149 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:21

so smart

By knibbsy | 4

#1928155 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:22

YDI for attempting to fornicate in the middle of his house. I hope his parents call you the "Living Room Rapist" from now on, and make jokes about your hairy ass and saggy vagina.

Reply

idkwhoiam104 | 0

#1928305 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 17:22

lmfao youu shouldd listen 2 this dude

Reply

douuchebag | 0

#1930159 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 8:27

awesome

Reply

dani_zombie | 0

#1931137 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 14:50

lol your comments are hilarious :))

By amerwin | 3

#1928159 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:24

I think he meant to grab some cover, because your skills were lacking and he was just going to finish it himself and didn't want you sticking to the sheets.

By you_failed | 15

#1928161 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:24

Wow!
Didn't you look lovely? ^_^

Reply

MacNuggets | 0

#1930653 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 11:04

lols... how lovely is that

By perdix | 29

#1928181 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:31

I'm sure the "noises" were your stream of obscenities from your futile attempts to roll a condom on a drunk guy's flaccid cock.

Reply

KittehSayzRAWR | 0

#1928446 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 18:46

lol

Reply

iisaaciio | 0

#1928765 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 21:22

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

By BrookieeCookiee | 0

#1928211 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:36

haha ^^

By Doortje | 28

#1928239 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:44

That must've been awkward o.O
But you should've just had sex in his bedroom then.

By petrolhead | 12

#1928307 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 17:22

this one comes from auckland..... and its nice to hav an alcoholic bf :D