Intimacy: Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he...

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 09:01 - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 983

You deserved it 10 284

Intimacy

Batman

Mama's boy

Sounds fishy

By somnolence - 17/09/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 320

You deserved it 1 954

By Ihadnoidea - 12/12/2015 19:41 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 327

You deserved it 7 046

By forest killer girl - 14/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 175

You deserved it 571

By blahpizzablah - 22/06/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was delivering pizzas for my summer job. I got a big order to deliver for a fellow graduate's party. While I was being paid for the order my friend shows up and says "Don't pay him, his parents are rich, he can handle it." Then they shut the door and took off. The bill was $75. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 524

You deserved it 3 798

Great prank bro

By notlilien - 14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 163

You deserved it 268

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 258

You deserved it 10 017

By Anonymous - 02/01/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 071

You deserved it 27 833

By gettinghotinhere - 17/10/2014 18:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 723

You deserved it 6 841

By Owned - 25/03/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 750

You deserved it 9 194

By Anonymous - 26/08/2013 15:16 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 837

You deserved it 14 779

By zero_minded12 - 21/05/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 786

You deserved it 71 000

Time just flies by

By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 155

By Men '86 - 24/07/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 980

You deserved it 39 245

By thinkimquitting - 25/06/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 949

You deserved it 2 560

By Anonymous - 26/07/2012 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 359

You deserved it 2 690

By TexasGirl24 - 10/09/2016 12:51 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 564

You deserved it 1 190

By Soapy - 28/06/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 638

You deserved it 55 325

By missPiggy - 26/10/2015 08:27 - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 844

You deserved it 2 228

Intense

By counterproductive - 21/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 195

By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/08/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 927

You deserved it 3 068

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 259

You deserved it 38 554

By Rowan Curry - 15/09/2012 15:37 - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 647

You deserved it 49 157

By lamponau - 09/11/2008 11:26 - France

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 461

You deserved it 6 155

Some fantasy…

By Anonymous - 30/12/2021 22:59

Today, I logged onto Final Fantasy XIV to enjoy the new expansion, and had to wait through an hour queue of almost 2k people. I made it all the way to number 88 in line, when the servers crashed. By the time I got back in, I was put in a new queue over 2k long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 298

By Infadel - 22/07/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 773

You deserved it 10 488

By Yudith - 27/02/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 572

You deserved it 641

By masterofblues - 24/07/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You're gonna make me feel bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 500

You deserved it 8 472

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 08:51 - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 577

You deserved it 5 725

By Anonymous - 26/06/2012 22:04 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 328

You deserved it 2 279

By joshinbaltimore - 22/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 005

You deserved it 25 554

By MisterBrown - 15/02/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 694

You deserved it 3 339

By beagle1 - 03/04/2012 15:10 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 123

You deserved it 2 377

By superdriver - 07/02/2011 17:46 - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 178

You deserved it 50 596

By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 884

You deserved it 2 682

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 00:10 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 785

You deserved it 25 778

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 21:23 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 059

You deserved it 9 005

By SpideyFace - 19/03/2011 01:36 - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 839

You deserved it 5 847

By Need Help - 05/10/2017 16:30 - United States - Victorville

Today, my grandma went for a walk after being told that she has a bad heart and a fall could be fatal. She fell, fracturing both wrists, and is now in casts and can't do anything herself. Turned out it was only fatal to my college semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 427

You deserved it 313

By deweyd8855 - 03/07/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 117

You deserved it 2 430

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 00:02 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 676

You deserved it 6 538

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