Health: Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed... - FML

By squishyboy - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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Sorry…

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

By godhatesme - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By Shawn Bennight - 10/6/2020 08:07

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

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By man-period? - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

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By ZG1 - 13/2/2021 20:00

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

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By browniepoints - United States

Today, it dawned on me that the most romantic thing my husband has done in the last three years, was a put a wedding ring on his xbox avatar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Collingswood

Today, I told my mom that I want to try out for a singing competition on TV, so I might be able to kick off my musical career. She convinced me to sing a song for her, so I did. Mid-way through, she lost it, burst into laughter, and told me to stay in school. FML

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By TheAnnoyedNeighbor - United States

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

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By "Nancy Marlin"

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

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By race - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

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By SpideyFace - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

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By briiiiiiii123 - United States - Buffalo

You tried

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

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By Faaccckkk - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By chessgeeksam - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

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By AHHH_REPTAR - United States - Spearfish

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 11:01

Renters' rights

Today, I’m a student renting a room in an old lady’s house. The other lodger, who arrived a few weeks later, hates my guts now because my room has a tiny old TV and hers doesn’t. It wasn’t even my choice to take this room, it was decided by the landlady. But sure, I’m an evil, TV-hogging bitch. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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By kitkat - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

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By unzucht - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By special-ingredient - Canada

Today, I came home tired and hungry from work. I put my feet up and sat down with a big bowl of chips and salsa. I thought I must have been really hungry because my regular no-name salsa tasted way better than usual. I looked down to examine the jar. Looks like I like the taste of mold. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By x - United States - Lake Placid

Today, I finally met the girl I've been talking to on phone for a while and found her charming in person as well. There's just one problem: she has more facial hair than I do. FML

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By Mia

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

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By fashionista1787 - United States

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

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By chloe_zjk - France

Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML

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By sleeplessinID - United States

Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

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By Undercover - United States

Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

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By bummerdood - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

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By phone-less - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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Top comments

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

COMMENTS

By ohhboyy | 0

#233503 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:05

your comeback
i love putting cum in peoples' coffee.. its so nice and squishy

Reply

customparachute | 0

#1391189 - Sunday 12 September 2010 5:28

attempt at being nice failed. but dont take it to hard atleast she tryed

By xxXChiiXxx | 2

#233517 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:08

aww, I'm sorry! XD

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#233530 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:12

Lose weight fatass. It's usually girls who bitch about their weight....Interesting to see a guy on here doing the same.

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By genius_man16 | 0

#233568 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:31

YDI if you care about your weight and don't/won't do anything about it.

By thabeast | 0

#233577 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:32

yeah just loose some weight
go running or something
its really not that hard
YDI

Reply

Kermy1113 | 23

#6451198 - Monday 2 November 2015 15:09

It's "lose" and it's a lot harder for some people to go out and do it dipshit.

By tick_tock | 0

#233587 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Aw don't worry about it she was just trying to be nice. Besides, some girls like squishy guys. However, if you really are that worried about it just join a gym.

By dmjones93 | 0

#233588 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Suck it up and be a man, you pussy.
Go do something about it if you're that bothered, Jeez!

Reply

fredlax9 | 7

#3424361 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:39

Asshole

By mike_i_am | 0

#233589 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

meh, at least you're still getting hugs from women

get over it if you're not going to do something about it

Reply

Maxaddicted | 3

#1322973 - Monday 30 August 2010 17:30

I agree with 10. At least you're getting hugs from women AND they say they love to hug you! Why are you sulking? :o