Health: Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed... - FML

By squishyboy - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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Age difference

Parental guilt

Don't hate the playa…

By Manstobe92 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

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By Anonymous

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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By Argh - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

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By Dreamblocker - 28/6/2021 22:00

All I need to do…

Today, I was having an intense erotic dream. It was going great until I thought, "I hope this isn't a dream." This caused me to wake up. This isn't the first time I've cockblocked myself in a dream. FML

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By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By x - Canada

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

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By leaflady03 - 27/4/2021 00:30

Famous for something

Today, my mom won’t stop calling up all her friends and family and even telling complete strangers about my "bowel problems." Even at parties, she talks about my pooping habits every chance she gets. This isn’t what I want to be known for. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2021 15:30 - Australia

Stuck

Today, after my fiancé and I recently separated, their choice not mine, we decided to stay friends, and still live in the same house. Now I get the pleasure of listening to him flirt and have long conversations with some girl every night. FML

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By MacGrouber - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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By hotandbothered - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By Japaroni - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By klala - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

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By Wellfu - Europe

Today, I was let go from my internship for "not putting in enough effort". I was working 50 hours a week for almost zero pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By ihatelife - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By NVflood17

Today, there's lethal flooding in the Reno area, with all roads to my work closed and flooded. My boss still expects me to drive through it, in the dark, to work at 6am. FML

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By ShameMonkey - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

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By Yohm - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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By Completely Fed Up - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Cinderella

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

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By crookedteeth - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By howtobreakup - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, my friend asked me for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. I've never done it before so I googled it, my own boyfriend happened to walk in and now isn't speaking to me. He won't believe me when I say it was "for a friend." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sold a customer some beer. He then asked to see the manager, and told me he was a 19 year old undercover cop. My knee jerk reaction was to panic and curse aloud, before realizing he was balding, toothless, probably 50, certainly not a cop, and laughing at me for being such a gullible moron. FML

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By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By MouseChaser - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

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By Clarie Sierra - 3/6/2021 20:01

Trading places

Today, after 6 years of dating, 2 years of marriage, a daughter and another one on the way, my husband decided that he’s "not the one for me" and told me he was leaving for his co-worker who he’s only known for a few months. Apparently they’re more "meant to be." FML

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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By greatdriver...4 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

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By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By zazzleface - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

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By Tori

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Nice guy

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By possum oh possum - 2/5/2021 05:01 - United States

Animal control

Today, I had a small get together in my backyard. My idiot sister got blackout drunk and found a stray cat. She was holding it and taking selfies, until her dumbass realized she’d actually picked up a possum. She panicked and dropped it. Now it’s loose somewhere in my house and I can’t find it. FML

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Top comments

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

COMMENTS

By ohhboyy | 0

#233503 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:05

your comeback
i love putting cum in peoples' coffee.. its so nice and squishy

Reply

customparachute | 0

#1391189 - Sunday 12 September 2010 5:28

attempt at being nice failed. but dont take it to hard atleast she tryed

By xxXChiiXxx | 2

#233517 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:08

aww, I'm sorry! XD

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#233530 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:12

Lose weight fatass. It's usually girls who bitch about their weight....Interesting to see a guy on here doing the same.

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By genius_man16 | 0

#233568 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:31

YDI if you care about your weight and don't/won't do anything about it.

By thabeast | 0

#233577 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:32

yeah just loose some weight
go running or something
its really not that hard
YDI

Reply

Kermy1113 | 23

#6451198 - Monday 2 November 2015 15:09

It's "lose" and it's a lot harder for some people to go out and do it dipshit.

By tick_tock | 0

#233587 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Aw don't worry about it she was just trying to be nice. Besides, some girls like squishy guys. However, if you really are that worried about it just join a gym.

By dmjones93 | 0

#233588 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Suck it up and be a man, you pussy.
Go do something about it if you're that bothered, Jeez!

Reply

fredlax9 | 7

#3424361 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:39

Asshole

By mike_i_am | 0

#233589 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

meh, at least you're still getting hugs from women

get over it if you're not going to do something about it

Reply

Maxaddicted | 3

#1322973 - Monday 30 August 2010 17:30

I agree with 10. At least you're getting hugs from women AND they say they love to hug you! Why are you sulking? :o