Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed... - FML

By squishyboy - 26/5/2009 08:23 - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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Rock, hard place

Does it taste good?

Compassion

By what_a_loner - 17/11/2013 22:07 - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 11:36 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

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By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Shame on you!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

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By sleepy - 3/1/2011 02:58 - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By HappyBirthday - 28/5/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 05:56 - United States

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

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By BadKitty42 - 14/12/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By e11ie - 27/9/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Becky - 21/8/2009 23:51 - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 22:13 - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 12:24 - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By Nate - 12/1/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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By HighasaCloud - 10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By HeSucks - 25/12/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas. I thought it was sweet until I noticed the heart drawn on the back. It's the same box of chocolates I gave him for Christmas. Christmas last year. FML

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By Anizzaf - 27/1/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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By Flavorite - 10/2/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By IamTheSalt - 25/4/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By pubemilkshake - 8/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By Silver_Samurai - 9/2/2012 03:24 - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - 7/4/2015 16:19 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 00:10 - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - 4/9/2010 06:52 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By ouchmytits - 28/3/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/4/2020 23:00

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

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By somnolence - 17/9/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By iwillcutyou - 6/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I work in retail and today this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By 4am blues - 13/7/2015 04:39 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4am; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

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By mandosfriend - 23/10/2016 17:15 - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

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By Maruska28 - 7/9/2017 20:00

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 23:47 - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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By mlowy - 9/5/2014 05:35 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By fuck - 21/4/2012 02:48 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML

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By off-balance - 16/1/2016 15:00 - Finland

Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML

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Top comments

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

Comments

By ohhboyy | 0

#233503 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:05

your comeback
i love putting cum in peoples' coffee.. its so nice and squishy

Reply

customparachute | 0

#1391189 - Sunday 12 September 2010 5:28

attempt at being nice failed. but dont take it to hard atleast she tryed

By xxXChiiXxx | 2

#233517 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:08

aww, I'm sorry! XD

By 24788 | 6

#233526 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:10

She was trying to be nice, but it didn't work out.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#233530 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:12

Lose weight fatass. It's usually girls who bitch about their weight....Interesting to see a guy on here doing the same.

By xxguitarfreakxx | 0

#233543 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:20

I LOVE SQUISHY PEOPLE!
they are, no joke, the BEST to hug.
and i loooove just leaning on them(:
they are so motherly.
minus the screaming...

By genius_man16 | 0

#233568 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:31

YDI if you care about your weight and don't/won't do anything about it.

By thabeast | 0

#233577 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:32

yeah just loose some weight
go running or something
its really not that hard
YDI

Reply

Kermy1113 | 23

#6451198 - Monday 2 November 2015 15:09

It's "lose" and it's a lot harder for some people to go out and do it dipshit.

By tick_tock | 0

#233587 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Aw don't worry about it she was just trying to be nice. Besides, some girls like squishy guys. However, if you really are that worried about it just join a gym.

By dmjones93 | 0

#233588 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

Suck it up and be a man, you pussy.
Go do something about it if you're that bothered, Jeez!

Reply

fredlax9 | 7

#3424361 - Thursday 13 October 2011 1:39

Asshole

By mike_i_am | 0

#233589 - Tuesday 26 May 2009 20:35

meh, at least you're still getting hugs from women

get over it if you're not going to do something about it

Reply

Maxaddicted | 3

#1322973 - Monday 30 August 2010 17:30

I agree with 10. At least you're getting hugs from women AND they say they love to hug you! Why are you sulking? :o