Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so...

By babysheets - 17/3/2012 16:22 - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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Love

Proactive

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Night terrors

By Username - 20/7/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By dangyo - 26/1/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By Taylor - 23/2/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

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By DeepFriedZombie - 9/8/2016 00:18

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By silverscrescent - 22/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom - Poole

Can't take my eyes off you

Today, I was babysitting my 8-year-old niece. I left her for 10 minutes so I could take a shower, only to walk in on her with her dress rolled up, peeing on the floor. FML

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By Username - 18/3/2010 08:21 - France

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

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By Faker - 16/10/2012 21:44 - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 23:22 - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By Foolish - 18/7/2016 06:51 - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By lavenderpiss - 16/12/2013 02:04 - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

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By googly191 - 19/12/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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By chocochoco - 24/3/2014 03:40 - United States - Auburn

Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML

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By radiationkillz - 21/3/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By LA - 17/2/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

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By Whatthe - 18/4/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 21:14 - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By Krystl - 18/9/2016 16:35 - Australia

Today, I met the old couple I would be house-sitting for. As I was leaving the lady stuck her fist out towards me. After a seconds awkward pause I thought she wanted to fist-bump so stuck mine out and bumped. Turned out she was handing me the key. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - 10/2/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/7/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By samaris - 8/7/2016 21:19

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By sayno2mermaids - 4/8/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

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By PaePae - 14/6/2019 21:31 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - 8/8/2016 10:06 - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - 20/1/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By Baustigt - 6/8/2014 13:34 - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

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By LilyL - 6/6/2010 21:53 - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

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By SuperBunny - 20/4/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By monkey - 19/9/2013 10:30 - United States - Logan

Today, my daughter told me she is pregnant. The father is the foreign exchange student who just moved back to Germany. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 17:00

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By DogDoingScience - 1/9/2011 15:45 - Czech Republic

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

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By LunaRayne13 - 10/9/2020 08:02

Ghosted

Today, I realized it's been over a month since my last therapy session. My therapist canceled on me and never got back in touch to reschedule. FML

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By actionboy116 - 21/7/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - 27/6/2015 18:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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By Fmylife - 6/7/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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Top comments

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

COMMENTS

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

jrgr | 6

#4179811 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:14

I don't see the problem. If your girlfriend is cool, she'll think it's cute.

FMLshark | 12

#4179817 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:15

...Then as you go to her house to save from Buzz Lightyear's cock blocking, you discover she has My Little Pony sheets.

dumboears | 8

#4179897 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:31

Absolutely nothing. If I was his girlfriend i'd probably be jealous of those sheets!

Damn_Hippster | 11

#4180068 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:44

Buzz Lightyear is the man! She can only gain more respect for you. To infinity and beyond!!

ladyLALAA | 28

#4180261 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:02

Given the situation I think it is fine. I however used to date a guy who had a buzz light year action figure hung from his ceiling, now that is weird!

hawkey126 | 0

#4180395 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:54

Uh. Kitchen sex. Problem solved.

acccccccc | 1

#4180534 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:04

To be fair, i am more of a woody guy myself. "there's a snake in mah boot!"

jojoboy | 0

#4181101 - Sunday 18 March 2012 11:18

Throw her on your bed and go to infinity and beyond

By mmmPoptarts | 6

#4179753 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

Buzz Lightyear is one hell of a cockblock apparently

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4180275 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:05

I have arrived in this bedroom and I sense no virginity lossage anywhere.

Tweekz14 | 5

#4180611 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:42

TO INFENITY AND BEYOND!!

ActionManly | 11

#4181495 - Sunday 18 March 2012 14:13

#84, your intelligence appears to be "infenite."

breeY0 | 7

#4184129 - Monday 19 March 2012 1:38

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'space ranger''

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6127204 - Monday 24 November 2014 19:46

Only if the girl isn't a Disney kid

By BunnySlippers | 6

#4179756 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

I don't see the problem.

TorturedXeno | 27

#4180766 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:15

OP's got swag.

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

tpike1296 | 11

#4179921 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:35

Nah, she'll probably go home and play with her buzz lightyear. Okay, now that was horrible, as in bad.

connorsan17 | 12

#4179948 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:47

Up votes for both of you. This post has made my day.

MizzErikaHart | 8

#4179968 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:52

She wants to give mr. potato head!

leogirl95 | 12

#4180278 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:06

What's the problem. Jessie can ride on your Bullseye.

CanadianLambiee | 1

#4180526 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Haha!! Thats fairly fantastic if you ask me!

Fiskerz | 0

#4180529 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Wow after reading all these Toy Story just sounds naughty..

buck33 | 14

#4180538 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:06

You guys are talking about Andy's moms toys, woody and buzz.

kimmy91 | 12

#4181285 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:49

This thread is the only reason I added this FML to my favorites :D

cheaptrix | 6

#4181668 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

Woody won't be the only one with a snake in their boot

youngsora | 7

#4184321 - Monday 19 March 2012 2:47

Lml I agree with kimmy ^_^

By windfuelsfire | 10

#4179767 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

And thats when you tell her you'll make her clit buzz till her mind is lightyears away

xLights_Out | 3

#4180024 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:16

Ahh, i see what you did there

LMA0 | 5

#4180601 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:36

21- Ken you turn out the lights?

By Adrena_fml | 5

#4179772 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:07

I'm lost ... Who ever moderated this must have seen something I'm not getting.

By Lukeloveshugs | 8

#4179776 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

And? I have Spiderman sheets. The moment my girlfriend complains about them is the moment she gets dumped.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4180132 - Sunday 18 March 2012 4:14

Loyalty at its finest.

piemasterp | 8

#4180559 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:12

I see you have your priorities straight.

By washingtongirl | 8

#4179778 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

So don't do it in your room. Problem solved.

By zachlibby | 4

#4179780 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

Guy + Toy Story = Happy Girl

yahoowizard | 16

#4181292 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:50

Unless it's the third Toy Story, which makes Sad Girl

By jaredofmo | 22

#4179796 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

To infinity AND BEYOND!