Love: Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so...

By babysheets - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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25326

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Love

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

Empathy

By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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8470

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By Bugga2018 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By GetHardOrGoHome - United States - Chardon

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

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By workinggirl - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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1133

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By schoolgrlstaci - United States

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Stolemylady - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

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32227

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Morgannaken - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

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32542

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

No, it's not a cult, not at all

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1084

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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36402

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By brando2k5 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my parents and 3 sisters to the airport so they could take a trip to Hawaii. I wasn't invited because they don't like my husband. They asked me to watch the dog and water the plants. FML

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By UnluckyEMT

Today, someone I've been crushing on admitted they're attracted to me too. We hooked up, but now she says we can't date because she is already dating someone. I feel terrible for them, and now know she isn't the kinda person I thought she was ... FML

I agree, your life sucks

2698

Phew, glad it wasn't me

457

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By Madagascar - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

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30792

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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1541

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I found out that two kids were able to, without much effort, convince my 16-year-old daughter that her friend's house was used to smuggle out Jews during WWII. His house was built in 2007. We also live in America. FML

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28882

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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58973

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By Tay Tay

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By MsGlaDos - United States - Austin

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

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By Anonymus - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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1807

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By choke on a dick, sir - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

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By chefdujour - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By maybe if i was paid like them i would - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

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28230

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By alone - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

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42641

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By GasAttack - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By ClothesHorse - United States - Houston

Today, I was kicked out of a job interview at a clothing store for "not dressing appropriately" for the occasion. I'd purchased my outfit from the same store just two days prior with my last $100. FML

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26600

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By Ted

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

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2068

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By SayWhat - United States

Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 11:01

Technology hates humans

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

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1176

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By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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28623

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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25019

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By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By bigbaby - United States - Saint Michael

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because I couldn't find my blankie. I'll be 36 in a month. FML

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Top comments

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

COMMENTS

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

jrgr | 6

#4179811 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:14

I don't see the problem. If your girlfriend is cool, she'll think it's cute.

FMLshark | 12

#4179817 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:15

...Then as you go to her house to save from Buzz Lightyear's cock blocking, you discover she has My Little Pony sheets.

dumboears | 8

#4179897 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:31

Absolutely nothing. If I was his girlfriend i'd probably be jealous of those sheets!

Damn_Hippster | 11

#4180068 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:44

Buzz Lightyear is the man! She can only gain more respect for you. To infinity and beyond!!

ladyLALAA | 28

#4180261 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:02

Given the situation I think it is fine. I however used to date a guy who had a buzz light year action figure hung from his ceiling, now that is weird!

hawkey126 | 0

#4180395 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:54

Uh. Kitchen sex. Problem solved.

acccccccc | 1

#4180534 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:04

To be fair, i am more of a woody guy myself. "there's a snake in mah boot!"

jojoboy | 0

#4181101 - Sunday 18 March 2012 11:18

Throw her on your bed and go to infinity and beyond

By mmmPoptarts | 6

#4179753 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

Buzz Lightyear is one hell of a cockblock apparently

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4180275 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:05

I have arrived in this bedroom and I sense no virginity lossage anywhere.

Tweekz14 | 5

#4180611 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:42

TO INFENITY AND BEYOND!!

ActionManly | 11

#4181495 - Sunday 18 March 2012 14:13

#84, your intelligence appears to be "infenite."

breeY0 | 7

#4184129 - Monday 19 March 2012 1:38

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'space ranger''

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6127204 - Monday 24 November 2014 19:46

Only if the girl isn't a Disney kid

By BunnySlippers | 6

#4179756 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

I don't see the problem.

TorturedXeno | 27

#4180766 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:15

OP's got swag.

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

tpike1296 | 11

#4179921 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:35

Nah, she'll probably go home and play with her buzz lightyear. Okay, now that was horrible, as in bad.

connorsan17 | 12

#4179948 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:47

Up votes for both of you. This post has made my day.

MizzErikaHart | 8

#4179968 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:52

She wants to give mr. potato head!

leogirl95 | 12

#4180278 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:06

What's the problem. Jessie can ride on your Bullseye.

CanadianLambiee | 1

#4180526 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Haha!! Thats fairly fantastic if you ask me!

Fiskerz | 0

#4180529 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Wow after reading all these Toy Story just sounds naughty..

buck33 | 14

#4180538 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:06

You guys are talking about Andy's moms toys, woody and buzz.

kimmy91 | 12

#4181285 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:49

This thread is the only reason I added this FML to my favorites :D

cheaptrix | 6

#4181668 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

Woody won't be the only one with a snake in their boot

youngsora | 7

#4184321 - Monday 19 March 2012 2:47

Lml I agree with kimmy ^_^

By windfuelsfire | 10

#4179767 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

And thats when you tell her you'll make her clit buzz till her mind is lightyears away

xLights_Out | 3

#4180024 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:16

Ahh, i see what you did there

LMA0 | 5

#4180601 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:36

21- Ken you turn out the lights?

By Adrena_fml | 5

#4179772 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:07

I'm lost ... Who ever moderated this must have seen something I'm not getting.

By Lukeloveshugs | 8

#4179776 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

And? I have Spiderman sheets. The moment my girlfriend complains about them is the moment she gets dumped.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4180132 - Sunday 18 March 2012 4:14

Loyalty at its finest.

piemasterp | 8

#4180559 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:12

I see you have your priorities straight.

By washingtongirl | 8

#4179778 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

So don't do it in your room. Problem solved.

By zachlibby | 4

#4179780 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

Guy + Toy Story = Happy Girl

yahoowizard | 16

#4181292 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:50

Unless it's the third Toy Story, which makes Sad Girl

By jaredofmo | 22

#4179796 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

To infinity AND BEYOND!