Love: Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so...

By babysheets - 17/03/2012 16:22 - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 355

You deserved it 4 341

Love

You tried

Too Much Information

One each

By fffemaleee - 31/05/2015 18:21 - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 3 938

Mystery

By oof! - 09/08/2021 17:59

Today, after taking him to two different neurological specialists, a pediatric ophthalmologist, an inner ear specialist, and a therapist, I’ve spent thousands of dollars just to come to the conclusion that my son is just hopelessly clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 13/09/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 951

You deserved it 10 477

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 026

You deserved it 32 290

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 02:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 828

You deserved it 4 019

By sadinthesack - 31/08/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 788

You deserved it 10 854

By _whyy_mee - 02/07/2015 18:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 684

You deserved it 1 945

By mutantprincess - 12/01/2016 10:48 - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 593

You deserved it 5 480

By Vgameboi - 15/02/2010 03:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was showing off pictures of me to co-workers. It wasn't until later that he said, "Don't worry, they were old pictures, from when you were hot." They were from four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 354

You deserved it 4 239

By Anonymous - 04/03/2015 18:20 - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 676

You deserved it 3 033

By notcool - 14/01/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 864

You deserved it 2 252

By loko0909 - 04/01/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 737

You deserved it 2 499

Insane jealousy

By Iammsofed - 17/06/2021 14:01

Today, my wife threw my Macbook out a window and tore up important work documents, all because she saw me talking to a female colleague of mine. I confronted her about the damage, and she responded, "Go ask the bitch you were with the other day to help you with that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 93

Entitled

By anonymous - 14/11/2020 06:57 - United States - Irving

Today, where I work at a pharmacy, we were short staffed and running 4 hours behind. A lady came to drop off a new prescription. When I explained to her the wait time, she called the patient. I heard ,"No, they don't look busy." Like, really? FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 64

By wtfiswronghere - 08/12/2015 18:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 641

You deserved it 1 369

By The Last Cockbender - 06/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 426

You deserved it 2 520

By jennybrev - 13/07/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 634

You deserved it 2 844

By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 05/03/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 011

You deserved it 4 370

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 11:12 - Switzerland

Today, I ate lunch alone. None of my colleagues saved me a seat. One of those colleagues was my husband. He didn't even have the decency to move so that I wouldn't have to eat alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 890

You deserved it 4 588

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 19:11 - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 064

You deserved it 6 543

By drfrogpepper - 01/01/2011 23:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 995

You deserved it 3 591

By Anonymous - 06/12/2016 20:14

Today, my boss yelled at me for leaving on time. After months of management hounding us about our overtime, I get in trouble for doing what I was supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 844

You deserved it 515

Pay up, dude

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I found out I had gotten a parking ticket while I was travelling a few months back in California. I moved since, so I didn’t know I had it so it increased to 200$ and when I told the guy who was actually driving the car about it, he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 114

By moronicmoroccan - 23/01/2009 10:16 - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 121

You deserved it 2 329

By wellthisisawkward80 - 06/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 556

You deserved it 17 916

By FartMyLife - 11/08/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 882

You deserved it 2 137

By nevergoingtopeeagain - 07/11/2013 00:16 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to the bathroom on the way to class. After washing my hands, I couldn't figure out how to turn off the water. I finally resorted to asking a professor for help. She turned it off, looked me in the eyes and said, "Please don't tell me you're here on a scholarship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 612

You deserved it 35 961

By i fking love docb - 04/11/2012 21:16 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Christiansted

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 3 307

By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 221

You deserved it 3 175

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 362

You deserved it 4 343

Too good to be true

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 08:00

Today, after being hella single through this pandemic, I was gently stopped by an attractive man on my way to the bus stop. He looked deep into my eyes, and I took my headphones out so I could hear him better. Then, he started moving nervously, took a breath… and offered me meth, before tweaking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 89

By rainbows? more like shitstorms - 17/08/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 692

You deserved it 2 039

Clean me, humanoid

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 15:00

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 226

Slasher

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 17:44 - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 863

You deserved it 5 922

By kise - 28/11/2012 06:20 - France - Paris

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 846

You deserved it 33 561

By anonymous - 04/11/2014 12:03 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 101

You deserved it 8 452

Drink it instead!

By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 64

Investing in the future

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 23:00 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, after years of being underpaid, I received my first paycheck at my new job. My new employer offers excellent benefits and a 401k. But after I invest in all these wonderful things, and after a $4 an hour pay increase, my net income is less than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 102

You deserved it 38 887

By holliefall - 02/06/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 427

You deserved it 22 707

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Top comments

Kraft92 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody? I'm sorry, that was horrible.

MikeDa1Da 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

MikeDa1Da 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

jrgr 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:14

I don't see the problem. If your girlfriend is cool, she'll think it's cute.

FMLshark 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:15

...Then as you go to her house to save from Buzz Lightyear's cock blocking, you discover she has My Little Pony sheets.

dumboears 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:31

Absolutely nothing. If I was his girlfriend i'd probably be jealous of those sheets!

Damn_Hippster 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:44

Buzz Lightyear is the man! She can only gain more respect for you. To infinity and beyond!!

ladyLALAA 28

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:02

Given the situation I think it is fine. I however used to date a guy who had a buzz light year action figure hung from his ceiling, now that is weird!

hawkey126 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:54

Uh. Kitchen sex. Problem solved.

acccccccc 1

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:04

To be fair, i am more of a woody guy myself. "there's a snake in mah boot!"

jojoboy 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 11:18

Throw her on your bed and go to infinity and beyond

mmmPoptarts 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

Buzz Lightyear is one hell of a cockblock apparently

Chad_the_Brony 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:05

I have arrived in this bedroom and I sense no virginity lossage anywhere.

Tweekz14 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:42

TO INFENITY AND BEYOND!!

ActionManly 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 14:13

#84, your intelligence appears to be "infenite."

breeY0 7

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Monday 19 March 2012 1:38

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'space ranger''

Pauline96_fml 20

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Monday 24 November 2014 19:46

Only if the girl isn't a Disney kid

BunnySlippers 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

I don't see the problem.

TorturedXeno 27

Sunday 18 March 2012 9:15

OP's got swag.

Kraft92 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody? I'm sorry, that was horrible.

tpike1296 11

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:35

Nah, she'll probably go home and play with her buzz lightyear. Okay, now that was horrible, as in bad.

connorsan17 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:47

Up votes for both of you. This post has made my day.

MizzErikaHart 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:52

She wants to give mr. potato head!

leogirl95 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 5:06

What's the problem. Jessie can ride on your Bullseye.

CanadianLambiee 1

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Haha!! Thats fairly fantastic if you ask me!

Fiskerz 0

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Wow after reading all these Toy Story just sounds naughty..

buck33 14

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:06

You guys are talking about Andy's moms toys, woody and buzz.

kimmy91 12

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Sunday 18 March 2012 12:49

This thread is the only reason I added this FML to my favorites :D

cheaptrix 6

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Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

Woody won't be the only one with a snake in their boot

youngsora 7

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Monday 19 March 2012 2:47

Lml I agree with kimmy ^_^

windfuelsfire 10

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

And thats when you tell her you'll make her clit buzz till her mind is lightyears away

xLights_Out 3

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:16

Ahh, i see what you did there

LMA0 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:36

21- Ken you turn out the lights?

Adrena_fml 5

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:07

I'm lost ... Who ever moderated this must have seen something I'm not getting.

Lukeloveshugs 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

And? I have Spiderman sheets. The moment my girlfriend complains about them is the moment she gets dumped.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Sunday 18 March 2012 4:14

Loyalty at its finest.

piemasterp 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 7:12

I see you have your priorities straight.

washingtongirl 8

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

So don't do it in your room. Problem solved.

zachlibby 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

Guy + Toy Story = Happy Girl

yahoowizard 16

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Sunday 18 March 2012 12:50

Unless it's the third Toy Story, which makes Sad Girl

jaredofmo 22

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Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

To infinity AND BEYOND!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 29

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 196

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 266

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