Love: Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so...

By babysheets - Uruguay

Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML

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Love

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Music nerds of the world unite!

Litter

By wow @ creepy fuckers - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By Brad

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By and god shat - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

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By Cheerieful - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By soo

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By AliRocks - United States

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

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By Kmcc

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

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By amilia

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

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By boo - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

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By NotSoAnon - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

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By Indigo_Kitten - United States

Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML

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By insomniac - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

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By Kayla

Today, it's the third day in a row that my classmate next to me has brought green bean casserole to eat in class. The last two days I could hold back my vomit, but today I couldn't. FML

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By Triedtobecool - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By amy - United States

Douchebag Alert!

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

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By goodbye cruel world - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

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By VCDUDE11FTW - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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By oh, good - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By atsukobo - 2/11/2020 22:59 - United States

Cover up

Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after trying for several days to change some details on the social security website, I got fed up and called them. I waited nearly two hours on hold, and when I finally got through, the guy on the other end just told me to reboot my computer and try again, then hung up on me. FML

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By awkwardd - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

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By gibbette - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By minnEmouse - United States

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

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By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By Kilika - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

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By MoneyMike - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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By badgrandchild - United States

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

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By sadlife

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

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By britt93

Ol' Blue Eyes

Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

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By orcatheseapanda - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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Top comments

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

COMMENTS

By MikeDa1Da | 14

#4179745 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:02

What's the problem?

jrgr | 6

#4179811 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:14

I don't see the problem. If your girlfriend is cool, she'll think it's cute.

FMLshark | 12

#4179817 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:15

...Then as you go to her house to save from Buzz Lightyear's cock blocking, you discover she has My Little Pony sheets.

dumboears | 8

#4179897 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:31

Absolutely nothing. If I was his girlfriend i'd probably be jealous of those sheets!

Damn_Hippster | 11

#4180068 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:44

Buzz Lightyear is the man! She can only gain more respect for you. To infinity and beyond!!

ladyLALAA | 28

#4180261 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:02

Given the situation I think it is fine. I however used to date a guy who had a buzz light year action figure hung from his ceiling, now that is weird!

hawkey126 | 0

#4180395 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:54

Uh. Kitchen sex. Problem solved.

acccccccc | 1

#4180534 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:04

To be fair, i am more of a woody guy myself. "there's a snake in mah boot!"

jojoboy | 0

#4181101 - Sunday 18 March 2012 11:18

Throw her on your bed and go to infinity and beyond

By mmmPoptarts | 6

#4179753 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:04

Buzz Lightyear is one hell of a cockblock apparently

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#4180275 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:05

I have arrived in this bedroom and I sense no virginity lossage anywhere.

Tweekz14 | 5

#4180611 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:42

TO INFENITY AND BEYOND!!

ActionManly | 11

#4181495 - Sunday 18 March 2012 14:13

#84, your intelligence appears to be "infenite."

breeY0 | 7

#4184129 - Monday 19 March 2012 1:38

"I believe the term you are looking for is 'space ranger''

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6127204 - Monday 24 November 2014 19:46

Only if the girl isn't a Disney kid

By BunnySlippers | 6

#4179756 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

I don't see the problem.

TorturedXeno | 27

#4180766 - Sunday 18 March 2012 9:15

OP's got swag.

By Kraft92 | 8

#4179761 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:05

Maybe she'll wanna lay on them and play with your Woody?

I'm sorry, that was horrible.

tpike1296 | 11

#4179921 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:35

Nah, she'll probably go home and play with her buzz lightyear. Okay, now that was horrible, as in bad.

connorsan17 | 12

#4179948 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:47

Up votes for both of you. This post has made my day.

MizzErikaHart | 8

#4179968 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:52

She wants to give mr. potato head!

leogirl95 | 12

#4180278 - Sunday 18 March 2012 5:06

What's the problem. Jessie can ride on your Bullseye.

CanadianLambiee | 1

#4180526 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Haha!! Thats fairly fantastic if you ask me!

Fiskerz | 0

#4180529 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:03

Wow after reading all these Toy Story just sounds naughty..

buck33 | 14

#4180538 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:06

You guys are talking about Andy's moms toys, woody and buzz.

kimmy91 | 12

#4181285 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:49

This thread is the only reason I added this FML to my favorites :D

cheaptrix | 6

#4181668 - Sunday 18 March 2012 15:17

Woody won't be the only one with a snake in their boot

youngsora | 7

#4184321 - Monday 19 March 2012 2:47

Lml I agree with kimmy ^_^

By windfuelsfire | 10

#4179767 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:06

And thats when you tell her you'll make her clit buzz till her mind is lightyears away

xLights_Out | 3

#4180024 - Sunday 18 March 2012 3:16

Ahh, i see what you did there

LMA0 | 5

#4180601 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:36

21- Ken you turn out the lights?

By Adrena_fml | 5

#4179772 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:07

I'm lost ... Who ever moderated this must have seen something I'm not getting.

By Lukeloveshugs | 8

#4179776 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

And? I have Spiderman sheets. The moment my girlfriend complains about them is the moment she gets dumped.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4180132 - Sunday 18 March 2012 4:14

Loyalty at its finest.

piemasterp | 8

#4180559 - Sunday 18 March 2012 7:12

I see you have your priorities straight.

By washingtongirl | 8

#4179778 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

So don't do it in your room. Problem solved.

By zachlibby | 4

#4179780 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:08

Guy + Toy Story = Happy Girl

yahoowizard | 16

#4181292 - Sunday 18 March 2012 12:50

Unless it's the third Toy Story, which makes Sad Girl

By jaredofmo | 22

#4179796 - Sunday 18 March 2012 2:11

To infinity AND BEYOND!