Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed... - FML

By Cromwel620 - 23/2/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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Fairytale ending

Tidy your room

Noise

By boyfriendless - 10/4/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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By Lonile13 - 7/9/2016 03:28 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

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By squeezable - 19/6/2009 17:48 - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

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By angkal2002 - 22/11/2014 03:29 - Australia

Today, my five year old sister won't stop saying, "shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML

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By littleone37 - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

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By nerdywaitress - 18/10/2013 05:14 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - 7/2/2013 22:56 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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By WanstinChurchHill - 8/9/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By future brain bleach addict - 2/5/2013 23:54 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

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By Monkey - 27/10/2012 15:02 - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - 9/5/2016 21:26 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By TrophyGirlfriend - 17/8/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By nobrony - 2/7/2012 19:53 - United States - Katonah

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

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By PeeLeg - 11/3/2013 07:43

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By sighoutloud - 16/10/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

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By David - 11/10/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By Max - 4/3/2017 22:00

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By infected - 30/12/2011 21:37 - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

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By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

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By H8TR - 26/8/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By Lou - 21/12/2018 18:00

I chose 2 children to buy Christmas for from the local crisis center. Delivered the gifts to the designated spot. Receive a message on fb 4 days later asking when I will be dropping off my toys. Seems they’ve been misplaced. Merry Christmas to all.

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 15:18 - United States - Milford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

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By thatsucks4u - 14/8/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2015 02:08 - United States - Gardnerville

Today, I found the eggshells from the nest belonging to the little bird that lives outside my house. They were covered in blood and it was quite obvious that they had been eaten. While I was looking at them, the mother bird came over and attacked me. FML

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By myheart75 - 7/8/2011 09:52 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By loving grandaughter - 27/11/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 15:00

Cleanliness is next to someone else

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

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By Beth - 28/4/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By unwanted - 11/8/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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By ccrex - 5/8/2019 20:00

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 20:19 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

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By alii2349 - 11/2/2014 03:16 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend's cat for staring at me, then cried about it for an hour. Pregnancy life. FML

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By hiddenplainly - 24/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By come on man - 29/11/2014 17:03 - United States - Sunnyvale

It's the thought that counts

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

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By TronCat8230 - 20/5/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By gedderdunn - 24/5/2010 06:13 - Reserved

Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

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Top comments

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#885382 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:08

get ure ass up there and join in on the fun.

By Gibby_fml | 0

#885376 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:07

hahaha. next time dont book the young couple to right above the office.

COMMENTS

By Alex708 | 0

#885365 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:03

haha that sucks!

Reply

febag | 0

#885413 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:16

Go join them!

Reply

mcfaily | 0

#885485 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:44

hot

Reply

ilovechuux13 | 0

#885521 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:54

uhm you have a job, save some money and buy a hot chic for a night
and don't call me a sexist pig, i'm a girl. but there are girls out there who do that for their job. so good luck op ;]

Reply

DavidCooksAngel | 0

#885587 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:19

I bet you were jacking off to the sound of them.

Reply

ZombieBunnies | 0

#885714 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 18:45

@25. Sounds like the thought of that excites you. What a kinky girl!

Reply

DavidCooksAngel | 0

#885715 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 18:46

very much so :-)

Reply

ZombieBunnies | 0

#886001 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 20:41

oo la la. You should offer to a "helping hand" to the OP.

Reply

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#887110 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 2:15

lolz. lotza lolz.

By Gibby_fml | 0

#885376 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:07

hahaha. next time dont book the young couple to right above the office.

By JoshTheMaggot | 8

#885382 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:08

get ure ass up there and join in on the fun.

Reply

SleepOnStones | 5

#2828336 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 2:59

You have a sweet profile pic/user name:D

By TattedDownJah | 2

#885385 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:09

lol, Are there no females were u live, or are u that fucked up lookin

Reply

12321 | 0

#885531 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:58

that's really shallow

Reply

afarr | 0

#885551 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:04

yeaaah what?

By Jdelakas | 0

#885388 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:09

awe too badd

By JRSHINE | 0

#885396 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:11

get some!

By crazycornn | 0

#885398 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:12

lol you shouldve knocked on the door and yelled 'hey keep it down in there! I'm trying to play solitaire!'

Reply

sublimaze | 6

#885655 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 18:03

lol. I'm sure he was playing "solitaire" the whole night

By PsychoMerk | 0

#885400 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:12

ok... I KNOW there's hookers in Cali >_>

Reply

ilovechuux13 | 0

#885527 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:56

cause ur one, right?

Reply

PsychoMerk | 0

#885532 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:58

nuuuuuu.... but if ur out say past 2 there's a lot o' skanks out on the streets. even In high class neighborhoods :0

Reply

Jsalcedo23 | 0

#1216677 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 9:49

what makes you say that????

By relyo | 0

#885430 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:22

Today, I read about a guy complaining that he's been single for 5 years. I'm at 8 years and counting. FML

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#885552 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:05

you admit that why?

Reply

PsychoMerk | 0

#885606 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 17:34

aw :(

Reply

gabirolon | 1

#885773 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 19:13

eharmony!!! it really works!!

Reply

ravensunnyd | 0

#886506 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 23:34

I'm at 13 years of Bering single

Reply

Funkengine12 | 0

#984436 - Sunday 25 April 2010 3:07

16 years. And counting...

By Asstazztic | 8

#885439 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:27

Quit complaining I know younlike it ;) lol