Miscellaneous: Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids... - FML

By roofer - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

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Keep up!

Great parenting, mom

Stomach bug?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

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By Kay - India - Nagari

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

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By none - United States

Who said life was better before ?

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By Jololol - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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By JuniorDetective - United States

Today, I was in the middle of walking home when I saw an old woman trying to get away from what looked like a mugger. I go over and try to help her out and get the man off of her, which was successful. Turns out she was having a heart attack and the man was a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I desperately needed a mental health day, so I took the day off work and got some junk food and wine. A few hours later, I'm in hospital with gallstones and pancreatitis, needing an emergency surgery. My mental health day turned into multiple weeks off work, and a lot of pain. FML

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By ohdeardarling - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple their “vibrator will go off when a table is available”. I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

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By fmlpgh - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By Smokey9 - United States

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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By f*ckingdisgusted - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Diaspora

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By Stickysituation - United States - Depew

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

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By Bliggins - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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By hfksorws - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By melimelo24 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By iliketurtles - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

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By KasSmoke - United States - Justin

Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By harshdoobie - Canada

Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, "Don't worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age". I replied, "No you didn't", and his immediate response while laughing was, "No, I didn't." FML

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By sdeeter - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By nickcedola40 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By Dummy

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

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By -- - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

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By Sad ex-wife - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By Blah - United States

Today, I had to go to my son's school for career day, I explained what a banker does and then I asked if anyone had a question, one boy raised his hand and asked "When are all the cool parents gonna come?" FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By Anonymous - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

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By pokeOww

Dash!

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

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By notalovestory - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By jess

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML.

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Top comments

By aback | 4

#445840 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:51

She went home, looked in the mirror and said, "Roofers still hit on me at my age--have I still got it, or what?"

By OleShammy | 0

#445801 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:42

I feel for you man. I helped one of my dad's friends with a roofing job for a week, and that was the HOTTEST week of my life. FYL all the way.

COMMENTS

By jacklol | 0

#445779 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

bennylove | 0

#445863 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:54

Idiot.

Reply

josephmendesgigg | 0

#2837162 - Thursday 7 July 2011 7:31

no sir your a faggot

By OleShammy | 0

#445801 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:42

I feel for you man. I helped one of my dad's friends with a roofing job for a week, and that was the HOTTEST week of my life. FYL all the way.

By Mr_Fernandez | 0

#445802 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:43

jacklol, fuck off.

That sucks, OP. Find and beat those punks.

By penguintux | 0

#445804 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:43

I agree.
That really sucks :/

By frankienajera | 0

#445806 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Juvenescence | 0

#445824 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:48

Your comment doesn't even make sense.

Reply

rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#445875 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:57

yeah it doesn't make sense at all!

OP, that really really sucks!

Reply

mtrob121 | 0

#445994 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:33

i was just thinking the same thing about the monkeys going from tree to tree..

Reply

cheese4yokids | 8

#5886446 - Sunday 16 March 2014 10:40

What drugs are you on

By timmi_shae | 0

#445820 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:48

Wow what a mean old woman....

By aback | 4

#445840 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:51

She went home, looked in the mirror and said, "Roofers still hit on me at my age--have I still got it, or what?"

Reply

brilliantbarbie | 0

#446256 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:42

haha thats exactly what I was thinkin!

Apparently the middle-aged group is where luck lies!!!!

By drzhottie148 | 0

#445851 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:52

This old lady is the best yo. That was my grandmother,

By Person1233 | 12

#445860 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:53

How high was the roof ? :/ Damn that really sucks...

By Ebby | 0

#445871 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

JokerXero | 0

#445913 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:05

We dont know if his partner was doing something else and wasnt around, So he didnt deserve that..

Should have found those kids and beat their ass, since there parents wont do it.

Reply

sandiejenkins | 0

#445924 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:08

I'm always up for beating up kids who's parents are too big of dip shits to do it themselves

Reply

loverslanex3 | 0

#446001 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:35

But, if his partner was on the roof how would he have helped?

Reply

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4563653 - Thursday 14 June 2012 1:47

13- you are truly an ass hole, Congradulations.

Reply

MissCharlotte_fml | 26

#5644271 - Monday 26 August 2013 12:26

"You deserved it for being stupid enough to work." Does this make sense to anyone else? Because I am pretty damn confused.