Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids... - FML

By roofer - 31/7/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

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Out of it

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

In my day…

By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By Jules - 15/9/2017 17:00

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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By verbaltodomestic - 8/9/2013 19:31 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By deadandwasted - 20/2/2010 08:20 - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

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By creepyguy - 26/12/2009 12:06 - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By blow me - 7/8/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By hiker - 29/3/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

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By handlin - 14/1/2010 06:45 - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By soontobedumped - 15/1/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

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By A - 9/2/2012 06:37 - United States

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

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By V - 23/7/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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By veggiegal - 13/2/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By lilsis - 31/1/2010 05:38 - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By murphyslaw948 - 27/11/2019 05:00

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2018 19:00

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By Tired - 20/3/2013 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 21:37 - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

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By random - 14/2/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 16:41 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

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By Sexless4Life - 5/8/2013 18:33 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2011 15:14 - United States

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - 11/5/2017 21:00 - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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By yeah - 22/6/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

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By Unlucky - 4/9/2018 14:30

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

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By Now Single - 3/4/2011 08:06 - Reserved

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2014 16:37 - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By monsterinlaw - 23/8/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By cherokeems - 20/10/2015 18:28 - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By QuickieGirl - 16/9/2011 11:28 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

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By crudofalife - 4/7/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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Top comments

By aback | 4

#445840 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:51

She went home, looked in the mirror and said, "Roofers still hit on me at my age--have I still got it, or what?"

By OleShammy | 0

#445801 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:42

I feel for you man. I helped one of my dad's friends with a roofing job for a week, and that was the HOTTEST week of my life. FYL all the way.

COMMENTS

By jacklol | 0

#445779 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

bennylove | 0

#445863 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:54

Idiot.

Reply

josephmendesgigg | 0

#2837162 - Thursday 7 July 2011 7:31

no sir your a faggot

By OleShammy | 0

#445801 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:42

I feel for you man. I helped one of my dad's friends with a roofing job for a week, and that was the HOTTEST week of my life. FYL all the way.

By Mr_Fernandez | 0

#445802 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:43

jacklol, fuck off.

That sucks, OP. Find and beat those punks.

By penguintux | 0

#445804 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:43

I agree.
That really sucks :/

By frankienajera | 0

#445806 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Juvenescence | 0

#445824 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:48

Your comment doesn't even make sense.

Reply

rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#445875 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:57

yeah it doesn't make sense at all!

OP, that really really sucks!

Reply

mtrob121 | 0

#445994 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:33

i was just thinking the same thing about the monkeys going from tree to tree..

Reply

cheese4yokids | 8

#5886446 - Sunday 16 March 2014 10:40

What drugs are you on

By timmi_shae | 0

#445820 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:48

Wow what a mean old woman....

By aback | 4

#445840 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:51

She went home, looked in the mirror and said, "Roofers still hit on me at my age--have I still got it, or what?"

Reply

brilliantbarbie | 0

#446256 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:42

haha thats exactly what I was thinkin!

Apparently the middle-aged group is where luck lies!!!!

By drzhottie148 | 0

#445851 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:52

This old lady is the best yo. That was my grandmother,

By Person1233 | 12

#445860 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:53

How high was the roof ? :/ Damn that really sucks...

By Ebby | 0

#445871 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

JokerXero | 0

#445913 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:05

We dont know if his partner was doing something else and wasnt around, So he didnt deserve that..

Should have found those kids and beat their ass, since there parents wont do it.

Reply

sandiejenkins | 0

#445924 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:08

I'm always up for beating up kids who's parents are too big of dip shits to do it themselves

Reply

loverslanex3 | 0

#446001 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:35

But, if his partner was on the roof how would he have helped?

Reply

YesyDidWhat | 0

#4563653 - Thursday 14 June 2012 1:47

13- you are truly an ass hole, Congradulations.

Reply

MissCharlotte_fml | 26

#5644271 - Monday 26 August 2013 12:26

"You deserved it for being stupid enough to work." Does this make sense to anyone else? Because I am pretty damn confused.