Work: Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman... - FML

By unsatisfied - United States

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60203

You deserved it

4416

Tweet

Share

Late term

Nice place

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By phone-less - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20153

You deserved it

7492

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Impossible

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40108

You deserved it

4107

Tweet

Share

By WronglySad619 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18895

You deserved it

28487

Tweet

Share

By kaitylait - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30446

You deserved it

11087

Tweet

Share

By Dave - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33717

You deserved it

3760

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26006

You deserved it

1599

Tweet

Share

By hardgraderorhardass - United States - Bridgewater

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22697

You deserved it

1520

Tweet

Share

By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2113

You deserved it

129

Tweet

Share

By whoahshloann - United States

Today, I was watching Harry Potter. When all the students at Hogwarts started to clap at one point, I started clapping myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23828

You deserved it

53961

Tweet

Share

By breathexali - United States

Today, I had to get bloodwork done. I'm deathly afraid of needles. The whole lobby heard me scream as soon as the nurse said 'hello'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20020

You deserved it

29078

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

807

You deserved it

1757

Tweet

Share

By Maxime - France

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41781

You deserved it

9793

Tweet

Share

By Océane Léana K

Today, after coming back from a trip to Africa where I got malaria, I went to the hospital for some blood tests. The doctor said, "Good news! You never had malaria! But they put you through a lot of dangerous treatments and now your liver has an anomaly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3623

You deserved it

215

Tweet

Share

By fnfantastic - United States - Warsaw

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11325

You deserved it

30151

Tweet

Share

By xomelodygervais - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28818

You deserved it

6147

Tweet

Share

By hesitator - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Sex vs. housework

Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4804

You deserved it

983

Tweet

Share

By IhateThem - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42966

You deserved it

4690

Tweet

Share

By juliette - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35678

You deserved it

2512

Tweet

Share

By 34_22_34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39129

You deserved it

4845

Tweet

Share

By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7131

You deserved it

2038

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14013

You deserved it

1074

Tweet

Share

By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47538

You deserved it

10711

Tweet

Share

By insomnitude - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41700

You deserved it

13768

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Spain - Mon?var

Today, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knee. Through my screams of agony, my mom accused me of exaggerating the pain, and said I was just being an attention seeker, before finally taking me to hospital. I was told my leg was broken. She refused to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55842

You deserved it

3433

Tweet

Share

By jacked - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55985

You deserved it

9722

Tweet

Share

By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39774

You deserved it

11824

Tweet

Share

By Rachael - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34963

You deserved it

2896

Tweet

Share

By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23431

You deserved it

9590

Tweet

Share

By ScottyB - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36616

You deserved it

6595

Tweet

Share

By ineedayob - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46821

You deserved it

3745

Tweet

Share

By twofade - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2760

You deserved it

312

Tweet

Share

By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68651

You deserved it

13131

Tweet

Share

By say my name

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38230

You deserved it

11353

Tweet

Share

By firebombtimEFUCKERS - United States

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23363

You deserved it

1701

Tweet

Share

By Smile No More

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34064

You deserved it

5943

Tweet

Share

By EwwEwwEww - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5768

You deserved it

439

Tweet

Share

By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

711

You deserved it

4107

Tweet

Share

By ohmy. - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37398

You deserved it

7128

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39088

You deserved it

3606

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34650

You deserved it

4680

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By hazz_fml | 0

#23213 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:12

The elderly these days ¬_¬

By ubbernoob | 0

#23226 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:33

Whatever, you know you liked it.

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#23212 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:10

GOD DAMN ELDERLY

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#501048 - Thursday 20 August 2009 7:02

Wait wait wait!!! Did u enjoy it???

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#1004652 - Monday 24 May 2010 1:05

GILF!

Reply

Randen_fml | 0

#1481056 - Friday 1 October 2010 15:39

she was trying atleast. I bet she bought her house for 50 cents back then!

By hazz_fml | 0

#23213 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:12

The elderly these days ¬_¬

By Amkii | 0

#23215 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:15

LOL! A quarter... big spender!

I love answers 1 and 2. I literally lol'd at #1.

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#23223 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:30

Wow... a whole quarter? She's really spending big time. I guess that early bird special down at Denny's will just have to wait another day.

By ubbernoob | 0

#23226 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:33

Whatever, you know you liked it.

By zap_fml | 0

#23232 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:43

Whey! You pulled ;)

By silverling | 0

#23238 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:52

Grandma hands are the softest, and they can take their teeth out. ;)

By thequeenofscots | 0

#23241 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:56

At... least she was experienced?

By jesusjr | 0

#23245 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:58

On the bright side, you got a quater!

By amelinat | 0

#23260 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:40

Maybe you should invest in a tip jar or cup, to prevent further unwelcome hands in pockets.

Or keep a spider or a cockroach in your pocket, to teach people not to put their hands in there.