Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman.... - FML

By Patrick - 23/2/2010 01:29 - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

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Does it taste good?

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Night terrors

By MagnusDeus - 7/6/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

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By copmagnet - 15/10/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonynommer - 13/9/2013 23:13 - United States - Holyoke

Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML

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By 464424 - 5/5/2012 06:24 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

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By ashleylynn17 - 25/2/2014 21:59

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

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By bitter cherry - 29/9/2010 21:29 - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By CA19oo - 16/1/2012 03:08 - United States

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. When they started playing my favorite song I whipped out my video camera and sang along. As I was reviewing the video later, I realized that I couldn't even hear the band over my horrible singing. FML

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By stilljobless - 21/5/2015 02:49 - United States - Willimantic

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

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By dammitrain - 13/7/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

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By DrakeB - 20/1/2013 16:34 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found a lost dog and called the owner. When he arrived, I thought it would be cute to put the dog down so he would run back into his owner's arms, like in movies. As soon as I put the dog down, it ran away again. FML

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By laughingflame - 4/8/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Aeare_ - 17/9/2016 04:15 - United States - Dixon

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 11:46 - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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By arghgffhdfg - 15/7/2012 00:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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By not a jesse pinkman joke - 16/3/2015 17:55 - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 08:52 - United States - Madison

Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

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By StomachofTinfoil - 24/11/2014 01:59 - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

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By datingfail - 14/8/2016 12:06 - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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By assumed - 1/3/2011 16:47

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - 12/1/2015 05:03 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By leftbehind - 10/6/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

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By LukesSkyWalker - 22/6/2015 20:35 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

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By mel - 11/5/2012 21:23 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

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By - 19/11/2019 14:00

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By AntiAxe - 29/11/2010 06:23

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - 21/10/2014 19:46 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By sleepy - 3/1/2011 02:58 - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 03:07 - United States

Today, my younger brother called me saying he's getting married. Now, I have to attend my ex's wedding. I'm the best man. FML

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By ToddesPizza - 20/8/2015 01:00 - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

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By jacked - 2/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

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By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 05:05

Almost there

Today, I paid 100$ for a trash service to pick up my broken couch. Minutes later, I got an email from someone finally replying to my ad for a free couch. FML

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By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By D - 9/9/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By fail - 15/6/2012 15:36 - United States - Greeneville

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

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By - 13/1/2017 18:00

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

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By JONNO - 27/4/2019 14:00

Today, I got fired from my position as a financial investor for giving a client the exact investment he asked for, even though the investment was out of my mandate, and I had gone to my direct manager to authorize the investment. My manager was promoted. FML

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Top comments

By lovej4ever | 0

#884795 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

you got nervous about a 70 year old woman talking to you??

By tatertot1127 | 0

#884790 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

that's kinda funny! but what a creepy old lady!

COMMENTS

By Astraea | 0

#884789 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:13

what an asshole. Get over him, real fast!!

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#5389106 - Saturday 2 March 2013 4:05

2, *70 year old woman, so it's a her. Did you even read the FML?

By tatertot1127 | 0

#884790 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

that's kinda funny! but what a creepy old lady!

By KASHMIR_fml | 0

#884793 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

wow ur life is SO totally screwed

Reply

nickforthewin | 0

#885500 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:47

...how?

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#886578 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 23:54

was being sarcastic. op thinks his life is fucked because f a minor Freudian slip

By lovej4ever | 0

#884795 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

you got nervous about a 70 year old woman talking to you??

Reply

UrNotFunny | 0

#885112 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 12:59

win.

Reply

TrekkieGirl | 0

#885315 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:16

@ #5...I was just about to post the same thing.

LMAO....this is ridiculous! I give the old lady credit for being confident enough to try and hit on you, but your response was just laughable.

Reply

jamieboy11 | 0

#886011 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 20:43

lol

By cbathinkofaname | 0

#884799 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:16

Ohh badtimes! i'd do exsacly the same thing in that situation then think about all the things I could have said after! Ahh well, and who likes there men fast anyway? If you were ringing her then how did you know she was winking?

By racer337 | 2

#884801 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:16

That was a dumb thing to say, but if it's a 70 year old lady it probably doesn't matter that much.

By gh3tt0cak3s | 0

#884806 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:19

I think you should of went for it ; )

By chikiitaaa | 0

#884808 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:20

HAHAHAHA. old ladies r so horny.

By Just_Me_143 | 0

#884811 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:21

glad to know that you're finally comin out of the closet.

Jk

you could have added 'me too, except with women. I just loove fast women. you took out you're money sooo quickly.'
then enjoyed your night :)

By cookie08_fml | 0

#884812 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:21

ha funny