Work: Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman.... - FML

By Patrick - United States

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking, I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Own it

Vulture

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By yolo is for shitheads - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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By pontwa - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By birdisnottheword - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By grandlisleguy - United States - Colchester

Pinky

Today, I was at the office making copies for a project. As I left the copy room my dress pants caught a sharp something on the door frame and ripped open my pants. All my co-workers saw my pink boxer briefs. Now I'm called "Pinky" by everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By vanguardwiley - United States

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML

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By absentminded - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

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By soprahb - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By needagoodlaugh - United States - West Linn

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

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By Anonymous

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By soy_un_perderdor - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

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By Maleficia

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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By pyook

My Bucket

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

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By dumb dancer - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

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By brsoxgirl - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

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By Anonymous

Corporate ass

Today, I found out that my boss would rather give grant money back than give it to any of his employees as any sort of bonus for working through the pandemic. Two of us have worked for him for over 20 years. So much for loyalty I guess. FML

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By tooth fairy - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

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By Wounded_irony

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

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By 50sStyle - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

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By chantelle - 12/3/2021 21:01 - Australia - Sydney

I've seen things…

Today, I woke up early and went into the kitchen to get a Monster, and my dad was getting head from his girlfriend with no pants on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By tastetherainbow - United States - Katy

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

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By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

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By Natalie - 11/6/2021 09:01 - United States

Is there anybody out there?

Today, I started my treatment for dental aligners. I talked to myself a bit to see how I sounded and it turns out that I have a small lisp. I wanted to share how I sounded with someone, then I realized I don't have anyone I can call. I have to wait 3 days until someone can hear my funny new lisp at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

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By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

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By Char-azard - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

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By Gabriela

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By pubes - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By AstonBrown - United States - Cleveland

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the store and bought some cream to help with a sunburn I'd gotten a few days ago. What's worse than having red, peeling, and painful skin? An allergic reaction on top of it. FML

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By adjk90 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By jdot747 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

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By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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Top comments

By lovej4ever | 0

#884795 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

you got nervous about a 70 year old woman talking to you??

By tatertot1127 | 0

#884790 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

that's kinda funny! but what a creepy old lady!

COMMENTS

By Astraea | 0

#884789 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:13

what an asshole. Get over him, real fast!!

Reply

DaDezza244 | 31

#5389106 - Saturday 2 March 2013 4:05

2, *70 year old woman, so it's a her. Did you even read the FML?

By tatertot1127 | 0

#884790 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

that's kinda funny! but what a creepy old lady!

By KASHMIR_fml | 0

#884793 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

wow ur life is SO totally screwed

Reply

nickforthewin | 0

#885500 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 16:47

...how?

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#886578 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 23:54

was being sarcastic. op thinks his life is fucked because f a minor Freudian slip

By lovej4ever | 0

#884795 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:14

you got nervous about a 70 year old woman talking to you??

Reply

UrNotFunny | 0

#885112 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 12:59

win.

Reply

TrekkieGirl | 0

#885315 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 15:16

@ #5...I was just about to post the same thing.

LMAO....this is ridiculous! I give the old lady credit for being confident enough to try and hit on you, but your response was just laughable.

Reply

jamieboy11 | 0

#886011 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 20:43

lol

By cbathinkofaname | 0

#884799 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:16

Ohh badtimes! i'd do exsacly the same thing in that situation then think about all the things I could have said after! Ahh well, and who likes there men fast anyway? If you were ringing her then how did you know she was winking?

By racer337 | 2

#884801 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:16

That was a dumb thing to say, but if it's a 70 year old lady it probably doesn't matter that much.

By gh3tt0cak3s | 0

#884806 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:19

I think you should of went for it ; )

By chikiitaaa | 0

#884808 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:20

HAHAHAHA. old ladies r so horny.

By Just_Me_143 | 0

#884811 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:21

glad to know that you're finally comin out of the closet.

Jk

you could have added 'me too, except with women. I just loove fast women. you took out you're money sooo quickly.'
then enjoyed your night :)

By cookie08_fml | 0

#884812 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 9:21

ha funny