Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 09:58 - New Zealand

Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML

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Workaholic

Tense

Incognito browsing

By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 08:00

Never? NEVER?!

Today, I had a fight with my grandma again with whom I've been living for 4 years due to college hostel being below par. She blamed me for destroying her kitchen equipment by extensively cooking, especially at night. I've never placed a foot inside her kitchen since the beginning. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 17:00

Social distancing done right

Today, my girlfriend of two and half years broke up with me because I'm no longer able to give her the physical attention she needs. I live 4 hours away and we have been this way for almost a year. She found another guy to do it behind my back. FML

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By wtf - 14/3/2011 04:07

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

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By Nojob - 6/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, on my way to my job interview, the man who was supposed to be interviewing me slammed into my car because he wasn’t paying attention. He fired me for raising his insurance premiums. I got fired before getting the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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By x_udontknowme_x - 5/1/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By powerless - 14/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By stillhungry - 22/5/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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By SilverAuthor - 29/7/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

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By you would - 4/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By bingalingading - 30/3/2015 20:46 - United States - Owosso

Today, I was working at a donation center. I was having a really rough day, so my fiancée dropped me off some cookies. At the end of my shift, the manager told me I couldn't take them home because they were donated and therefore they were "company property." FML

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By itsdezzz - 9/3/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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By anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 16:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2014 21:41 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 6-year-old brother showed me the "books" he's been writing for the past week. My parents, who are first-generation immigrants, want him to take the books to school to show everyone. My only problem with this? The main character's name is "Wanker". FML

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By mandy - 1/8/2009 01:51 - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By Sasquatch - 2/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 02:09 - United States

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

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By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

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By Nekro_Kat - 10/8/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2019 16:00

Today, I got to wake up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "U got competition." FML

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By foreseeingabreakup - 6/9/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

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By anon - 10/1/2015 02:13 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By graphite01 - 1/11/2016 04:08 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

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By ausmill12 - 19/11/2012 06:18 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I witnessed a robbery as a teenager ran out of a Walgreens with stolen goods in his hands. The manager was running after him. Trying to be helpful, I pulled forward to block the thief from getting away. The cops showed up and arrested me for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - 5/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By Grand Slam - 10/9/2013 18:44 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By bfall74 - 31/5/2011 22:35 - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

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By luroluro - 23/6/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 18:07 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By anonymous - 14/8/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

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By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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Top comments

By AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#550956 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:03

Ydi for saying something like that as a rest home.
And who says that?
If my phone runs out of battery I don't tell people i'm dead.
YDI.

By kaisar0 | 0

#550955 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:03

ZING!

COMMENTS

By kaisar0 | 0

#550955 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:03

ZING!

Reply

iGreen_Day | 0

#550987 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:20

Smooth.

Reply

DoomJeff91 | 2

#551174 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 18:08

If ZING is the new first, I'm gonna kill someone.

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#551556 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 22:01

Yeah and ZANG=Second, these FMLers are getting smarter.
Not really.

Reply

kaisar0 | 0

#552251 - Thursday 10 September 2009 1:50

Actually. I was trying to think of something witty and sarcastic to say, but the only thing to come to mind was "ZING!"

Reply

bitterthread | 0

#552367 - Thursday 10 September 2009 2:25

Why does electric have to be in parentheses

Reply

drifter5031 | 0

#818092 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 7:44

u asshole

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#973396 - Saturday 3 April 2010 4:40

hahahaha o peed a little bit xDDD

By AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#550956 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:03

Ydi for saying something like that as a rest home.
And who says that?
If my phone runs out of battery I don't tell people i'm dead.
YDI.

Reply

hazza_1234 | 0

#552847 - Thursday 10 September 2009 8:35

i say i'm dead?? thought it was pretty common... lol

Reply

totalbadass | 0

#556412 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:27

Cause a wheelchair is technically an extension of the body if you're handicapped. If it dies, so do you, because you become effectively nonfunctional.

Reply

dabomblyktiktikk | 0

#966507 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 2:48

me2 ... ^^

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#3442647 - Monday 17 October 2011 1:22

Well it's kinda like when people's phones vibrate, and they yell 'I'm vibrating!'

OP: that's totally something I would do. Just apologize and move on :)

By SKYblue_fml | 1

#550967 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:09

haha. I lol'd
this is awesome for sure.

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#895966 - Saturday 27 February 2010 2:57

noooo that's really sad... imagine living all alone for the last years of your life

Reply

lsinc20 | 5

#2323737 - Sunday 10 April 2011 7:01

r u souless or something??? cause that comment was just horrible!

Reply

metalhead867 | 6

#3550369 - Sunday 6 November 2011 17:14

Bitch.

By Bloodknight | 22

#550972 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:13

Bwahahaha! Instantly favorited. I could totally see myself doing something like that. No reason to mull over it though. Apologize, say you didn't mean it like that, and move on.

By rosierosierosie | 0

#550980 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:14

hahahahah, unfortunate

By burnquist764 | 0

#550991 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:23

That's what you get for talking to an inanimate object.

By eeekimjack | 0

#551014 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:37

YDI for fail at resthome

By scarlett29 | 0

#551017 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:39

Aww! Hahah.

By eclecticist | 0

#551019 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:39

who talks like that anyway?

By netbeui435 | 3

#551040 - Wednesday 9 September 2009 16:55

ydi. time for some sensitivity training.

Reply

yehr | 0

#696270 - Monday 30 November 2009 9:23

lol sounds more like a bad choice of words than any kind of lack of sensitivity.

Reply

Anglwrfish | 17

#2947137 - Thursday 21 July 2011 22:51

I agree with 13, that was a stupid thing to say...

Reply

lexa1love | 16

#5267325 - Friday 21 December 2012 14:54

Wouldn't using bad choices of words be a sensitivity thing? Not thinking how they will be received before u say it.