Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other,...

By DumbassRoaster - 10/7/2016 19:44 - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

Abuse

Ant life

By XxHinkaixX - 1/8/2010 02:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

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By whatheffers - 7/7/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

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By Konstantine - 5/10/2009 13:55 - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

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By firegirl - 5/7/2018 15:00

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

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By ekoblick - 17/6/2011 04:34 - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By Plume - 23/12/2008 07:43 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML

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By sadgirl - 24/8/2019 09:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

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By Haggis300 - 28/3/2015 23:44 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

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By Geese Ahoy - 14/11/2016 17:00 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

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By wowimdumb - 30/1/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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By Bailey - 5/4/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

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By travelsickness - 10/8/2010 13:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

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By RyoKioKio - 30/5/2017 20:00

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

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By fuckyouverymuch - 13/6/2013 10:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

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By itsjustnotfair - 5/9/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my dentist asked me about my fillings, so I told him that when I was younger, I had 2 cavities. He replied, "No you didn't. I just looked at your x-rays." Turns out my old dentist ripped me off. I never needed fillings. FML

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By justagirl - 2/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By chocofreak - 10/5/2009 10:23 - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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By grantsidiots - 27/11/2013 05:51 - Australia

Today, my fiancée broke up with me over text message while I was away for work. She later posted photos of her and her new boyfriend on Facebook, while still wearing my engagement ring. FML

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By literature - 3/11/2014 11:04

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2014 19:02 - Canada - Gander

Today, I helped an elderly woman push her grocery cart around the store, and look for her vehicle after she'd paid. After we spent ages wandering around trying to find her car, she remembered that she'd taken the bus today. FML

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By laughxlove - 23/8/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By gr8terevil - 2/3/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By booboo300 - 29/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - 11/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By I Hate My Brother - 9/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Brotherly love

Today, I'm in hospital because of my brother. He followed me and my boyfriend around a fair yesterday dressed as a gorilla, and whenever we showed some sort of affection towards one another, he rugby tackled me. The final tackle caused me to break my wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

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By Ouch - 20/5/2012 04:06 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By fianceeless - 21/1/2011 01:15 - United States

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By ihasnoafroanymore - 10/6/2019 12:05

Today, I was working at my job at a McDonald's. I was on my break, so I went to use the restroom. When I finished, I tried to open the door, but the lock broke. I was stuck in the basement bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 13:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 08:33 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By Brrrb - 5/3/2009 05:22 - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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By tomcat69 - 11/7/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML

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By Bir - 8/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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Top comments

By MDoremis | 38

#6647483 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:53

He's trying to move up from Beta, obviously.

By Crazyjohnb | 23

#6647487 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:57

Well, that's a new way to train a dog.

COMMENTS

By MDoremis | 38

#6647483 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:53

He's trying to move up from Beta, obviously.

Kitcat1234 | 21

#6647636 - Monday 11 July 2016 16:17

OP's just upset because he/she isn't the Alpha

By Crazyjohnb | 23

#6647487 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:57

Well, that's a new way to train a dog.

Elgrin | 15

#6648957 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 6:29

I'm pretty sure the dog was training him.

By ezrocks4u | 29

#6647488 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:58

"I am the master commander!"

By toastbrot | 9

#6647489 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:59

I smell a midlife crisis...

By tygerarmy | 35

#6647491 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:01

Assert your dominance and tell them both to go to bed.

By __doge__ | 15

#6647500 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:23

Wtf is wrong with the new buttons!

Bunnyluver | 20

#6647599 - Monday 11 July 2016 15:05

You could try explaining the buttons to him.

JETarchitect | 32

#6647969 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 0:27

why can't I like your reply #9?? it's perfect

dVwarfare | 15

#6648004 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 1:25

It wouldn't hurt to explain the buttons pal

will968 | 15

#6648598 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 20:13

It's FML staff that's why

By RedCronos | 17

#6647505 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:28

Someone once said "calm and submissive"

By WebWarrior4991 | 9

#6647509 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:44

He may say that now, but we'll see who's feeding who tomorrow.

By Bearsmomma | 30

#6647512 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:57

I love your dad! ĹOL

By mooman36 | 15

#6647518 - Monday 11 July 2016 11:05

Yea, I do this with my dogs. Must be working since I am the alpha male. At least I seem to be most of the time...

withered | 30

#6647551 - Monday 11 July 2016 12:44

#11 Either that or your dogs have better manners than you do :P