Intimacy: Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little...

By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Instadrama

Our house, in the middle of our street

By Insanity - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

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By ChimerV - France - Champenoux

Today, a customer limped over to me in one of the dishwasher aisles and asked if we sold dishwashers. I said yes and pointed at all the dishwashers. He looked around for a couple of seconds, belched, then said "Oh... right!" and walked off. No commission for me, then. FML

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By calidreaming - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kankakee

Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture, and twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML

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By failure

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

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By Great. - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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By augh

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

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By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By kingkobrastrikes - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By why - 6/11/2020 23:01

Delusional

Today, I was at work. I had a male patient expose himself to me. He then apologized and said he thought that's what I wanted. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

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By Jason - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By No.Life. - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 05:02

Life of Brian

Today, I never wanted a wife, so of course I got married. I never wanted kids, so of course my unwanted wife insisted we have two. My mother-in-law, who I wish daily would get hit by a bus, just got hired at my workplace. My only pleasure in life is fishing and my kids just broke my only rod. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

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By Music Lover - 7/11/2020 05:01 - United States - San Jose

Bum note

Today, after entering a conservatory of music, I've worked really hard on my academic subjects to past through the exam, so my major is pretty weak. After practising 6 hours a day for three weeks, my teacher asked me to change my major and said I'm the worst student she's ever seen. And there‘s nowhere I can go. FML

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By happy bday - Canada

Today, is my 21st birthday. My friends took me to a bar to celebrate, knowing I don't drink. I am now in charge of driving my friends home after they had an awesome night. FML

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By helen

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By NathanA - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer because her entrée was too fishy. I'm not the chef, just the waiter and I work at a fish grill. FML

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By Goody2shoes - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By mikep - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

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By MarsMayFall - United States

Today, I was performing for a fairly large crowd with my band. I decided it would look cool to stand on one of the speakers and sing from there. It did look pretty cool for a bit until I tried to step off and fell face-first on the floor mid-song. FML

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By ofcourse - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

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By professionalmedicineman - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Thermoregulation wars

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

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By seriously

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 02:02

Mind your beeswax, Karen

Today, I was carrying some bags out of a store, and my shirt had scooted up a little. I had no free hands, so I ignored it. A woman stopped me to tell me that bare midriffs are only attractive on skinny girls, "not fat ones." I'm 6 months pregnant. FML

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By mybad - United States

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

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By Username

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

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By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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40859

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By forever young - United States

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

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By yay! - United States

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

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By highleyj - United States

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

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By NNTA - Netherlands - Maastricht

WTF, dude?

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

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By Justmyluck - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, after a week of no side effects, my bronchitis medication decided to screw me over. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and half of my face is sunburnt in randomized patches. Guess who has a huge presentation today. FML

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By JT - Canada

Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

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Top comments

By deviable | 9

#3855438 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:07

So since you didn't have sex I guess you decided to "hit the sack"? Eh? No? Ok then.

By emvictoria | 9

#3855368 - Monday 9 January 2012 11:56

I bet that's going to turn him of kinky stuff for a while.

COMMENTS

By emvictoria | 9

#3855368 - Monday 9 January 2012 11:56

I bet that's going to turn him of kinky stuff for a while.

kjcookie10 | 9

#3855787 - Monday 9 January 2012 14:02

That sucks OP. After he is done feeling sick you should rub them Ronald him feel better but ONLY with your hand and mouth...

ladyLALAA | 28

#3855835 - Monday 9 January 2012 14:22

Or maybe he'll get kinkier? Is that even a word? (Bring it on Grammar Nazis)

Amrel | 10

#3855840 - Monday 9 January 2012 14:23

Who the fuck is Ronald?

RedPillSucks | 31

#3856152 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:06

I'm guessing auto-correct made the post more interesting.

kjcookie10 | 9

#3856330 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:48

I have no clue how that happen... *crawls to corner in shame*

IntenseGas | 0

#3856544 - Monday 9 January 2012 17:51

I used to be kinky like you, but then I took a knee to the arrow.

TheTerenity | 9

#4360176 - Friday 27 April 2012 3:09

59 No he's right, change him of doing it, as in turn him of it, not off.

By nephilim241 | 19

#3855369 - Monday 9 January 2012 11:57

I used to be a kinky person once, but then I took a knee to ballsack

Bubblerider | 3

#3855411 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:03

This is one of the few times that a variation of that joke has actually made me laugh! Good job sir! :D

JMTS | 0

#3855882 - Monday 9 January 2012 14:36

Is OP's knee ok?

gamercanadian | 11

#3856173 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:07

Off*

theaws0m3guy | 4

#3856199 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:15

Nut-tappers!

By Amrel | 10

#3855384 - Monday 9 January 2012 11:59

I hope you made it up to him. Getting just a little tap on the balls hurt alot :/

22cute | 17

#3855608 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:56

He deserved it for being rough.

Amrel | 10

#3855656 - Monday 9 January 2012 13:07

Im assuming your a girl. When you grow a pair of balls, and get a KNEE to them, and start vomiting, your not going to care if you were too rough

fruitmasterpuff | 2

#3855668 - Monday 9 January 2012 13:14

He is trying to say that even a little tap to the balls hurt, so a knee to the balls must be horrible.

DryHumor | 4

#3855685 - Monday 9 January 2012 13:21

Maybe she can French kiss his nutsack better.

JacobWithaY | 5

#3856478 - Monday 9 January 2012 17:28

Anyone else waiting for the next FML to say "I was trying to be kinky with my girlfriend, the she kneed me in the balls because I was too rough, then I vomited to make matters better"

chili10 | 18

#3857135 - Monday 9 January 2012 20:43

29- Hate to break it to you but some women LIKE when their man is rough with them in the bedroom.

irokyoursox | 6

#3857867 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 0:48

I've had some pretty bad experiences, but never enough to make me puke.

By RawEndo | 1

#3855388 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:00

yeah you tocuhed his tra la la alright.

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3855392 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:00

sorry but this made me laugh -.-

Jakesterk96 | 8

#3857397 - Monday 9 January 2012 22:18

Oh good, and I thought I was the only one.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#3859552 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 7:06

Why are you sorry? This is FML; laugh at all the misery!

ReikageSanshi | 0

#3864560 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:57

I agree couldn't help but laugh. Sorry it's his own fault for not making sure you were in a good position.

By lakerslover1234 | 0

#3855424 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:05

At least now you know he is not into S&M.

Troll_spray | 6

#3856363 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:59

Sigh.......

Blazar420 | 15

#3857147 - Monday 9 January 2012 20:46

Yes, because that would be terrible if he was... wait... no it wouldn't. Different strokes for different folks, people need to grow up and respect others rights to be different from you (them) (whatever).

nothingmuch_ | 5

#3862335 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 21:34

#85, #7 didn't say it was good or bad, merely noted it. But I guess that for OP this was a little too kinky hehe

By Ugi | 26

#3855432 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:06

FYL - but F his L too - that must have really hurt!

By deviable | 9

#3855438 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:07

So since you didn't have sex I guess you decided to "hit the sack"? Eh? No? Ok then.

Pelreskovich | 11

#3855479 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:13

This had win written all over it. Well played, sir.

Pelreskovich | 11

#3855492 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:15

Just noticed your profile says "miss". I apologize, please replace "sir" with "ma'am" in my last reply. :)

asherm | 15

#3855530 - Monday 9 January 2012 12:22

Lol, good one. I don't have balls but the thought still hurts, like a phantom pain. I feel bad for him

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3855660 - Monday 9 January 2012 13:10

It might feel similar to getting kneed in the boob, that hurts a lot!!

Amrel | 10

#3855687 - Monday 9 January 2012 13:21

Thats not very common, how would someone even go about doing that?

bamagrl410 | 31

#3855869 - Monday 9 January 2012 14:29

I dunno how that would happen, but getting hit in the boob hurts. A lot.

RedPillSucks | 31

#3856176 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:08

hit in nuts >> hit in boobs

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3856234 - Monday 9 January 2012 16:23

I don't know how'd you get kneed in the boobs.......I was just trying to make a comparison, but I guess it didn't work

construction | 7

#3856539 - Monday 9 January 2012 17:51

Not a chance, It disables you and then comes back for round 2 and you have stomach pain for a while.

chili10 | 18

#3857150 - Monday 9 January 2012 20:46

I got kicked in the boob at the pool once. I almost cried it hurt so bad, but I still don't think that it would be even half the pain of being kicked in the balls.