Intimacy: Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work.... - FML

By Cat - 12/04/2019 19:00 - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 3 328

Mother of the year

Compromises

Knock off

By marmarr - 15/05/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said "turn around" it was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 488

You deserved it 70 677

By Annoyed - 04/10/2013 02:56 - United States - Accokeek

Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 386

You deserved it 4 654

By Anon - 09/01/2013 19:27 - United States - Southbury

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 501

You deserved it 64 143

By Kitty_Gem - 27/08/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my mother told me I should think about quitting school. She explained that the reason was because she didn't want me to be more successful than my older sisters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 122

You deserved it 2 559

The Girl Can't Help It

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 22:00

Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 189

By feistychick - 25/04/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 049

You deserved it 2 746

By suckatlifeeexo - 25/04/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 359

You deserved it 16 971

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 13/06/2020 08:08

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 1 573

By um - 08/02/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 448

You deserved it 7 971

By Anonymous - 31/03/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 812

You deserved it 5 067

Just a prank, bro

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 22:03

Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 197

By birdbath - 08/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 817

You deserved it 3 620

By fuckadaisical - 06/12/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 279

You deserved it 8 865

TFIF!

By Heartbroken - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I have to be at work with a smile on my face, whilst sitting next to the asshole who dumped me last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 810

You deserved it 5 818

The patriarchy rules

By hyphen - 09/12/2020 18:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was talking to a new friend when I told him my last name. It’s hyphenated. He then left and declared me to be a "stuck-up bitch" who thinks she’s "too good to take a man’s last name." This is the name I was born with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 04/02/2017 19:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, at an MA meeting, I ran into the cop who'd pulled me over and given me a ticket for marijuana possession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 443

You deserved it 1 295

By me - 19/12/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 883

You deserved it 28 504

By NeverDrinkingAgain - 09/12/2010 12:31 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 626

You deserved it 43 602

Stressed out

By Emily Ann - 08/06/2021 13:59

Today, I overheard my mom, who quit smoking years ago, saying that I am the only person who stresses her out badly enough to want to smoke a cigarette. I have never once tried to stress her out, and in fact I do everything I can to make her life easier. She works in retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 93

By whyme - 12/04/2017 22:00

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 351

You deserved it 329

By PlsForget - 18/08/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 599

You deserved it 1 278

By Anonymous - 30/11/2015 16:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 940

You deserved it 2 826

By cunts, cunts everywhere - 11/03/2013 11:57 - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 291

You deserved it 2 769

By blahmylife - 15/12/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 064

You deserved it 2 486

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 20:06

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 330

You deserved it 290

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 812

You deserved it 3 002

By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 05:49 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister got me in deep trouble at the store I worked security for. She "dropped by to say hi" and stole a bunch of things when I wasn't looking. I wasn't arrested, due to lack of any evidence. But my boss didn't care about evidence and fired me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 650

You deserved it 2 020

By Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 681

You deserved it 2 239

By Anonymous - 19/09/2015 05:45 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 804

You deserved it 3 205

By helplesssssss - 07/08/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 061

You deserved it 15 128

By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 590

You deserved it 1 645

By kimbo - 25/10/2010 08:28 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 369

You deserved it 2 856

By college kid - 31/07/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 169

You deserved it 5 351

By michael - 14/02/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 181

You deserved it 41 887

By peacexout108 - 08/11/2009 18:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 772

You deserved it 3 342

Erm, thanks, I guess

By HeatedHeat - 29/03/2021 11:00

Today, I went to a store to buy a 43-inch TV that was on sale. The sale was so good that they sold out on the floor. I went to guest services and asked the employee if they had any in the back. She literally went to the back of the room, let out this god awful fart, came back out and said, “Sorry, we don’t.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 333

By anal4me - 05/04/2012 20:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got my license. Instead of congratulating me, my buddies created a betting pool for when I get into a serious accident. Thanks for the support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 779

You deserved it 3 811

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 02:47 - United States

Today, I had finally summoned the courage to break up with my boyfriend, something I've needed to do for a long time. Right before my speech, he presented me with tickets to my favorite band a month from now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 863

You deserved it 5 960

By tommy - 06/06/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 063

You deserved it 8 312

By Damnlife123 - 21/04/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was playing and laughing with my new baby boy. He was giggling, and it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say "you're my favorite!". Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 222

You deserved it 130 487

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Top comments

dasin 17

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Friday 12 April 2019 19:42

maybe im to old but how do you text and get the person wrong if your video chatting?

Zekfen 17

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Friday 12 April 2019 18:33

You could just play it off as being into orgies and it’s a team building thing.

Comments

Zekfen 17

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Friday 12 April 2019 18:33

You could just play it off as being into orgies and it’s a team building thing.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 12 April 2019 18:43

Now you should be able to get several penises in you. Penes? Penii?

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Friday 12 April 2019 19:10

Penises... An encyclopedia on all things phallic like you should already know that (-.-)

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 12 April 2019 19:13

Well, regardless she can get plural of them rather than the singular.

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Saturday 13 April 2019 3:27

Penises isn’t technically correct. Penes or penii is correct.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 13 April 2019 17:53

Penii is not correct. Penis is a 3rd declension noun in Latin meaning “tail,” so the plural is penes.

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Saturday 13 April 2019 20:08

Never has this sentence been more appropriate but... I prefer penises

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 14 April 2019 3:15

I’m a boob guy😂😂😂

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Friday 12 April 2019 18:50

Nice

dasin 17

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Friday 12 April 2019 19:42

maybe im to old but how do you text and get the person wrong if your video chatting?

steph_828547328 3

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Monday 8 July 2019 3:17

It was a text not video chat

kdawgone 9

Saturday 13 April 2019 0:31

So you want people to feel sorry for you because you can't tell the difference between a group chat and an individual chat with your boyfriend? This is a not an accident this is you not caring to pay attention. You can't be feeling so bad you can't spend time with co-workers if you feel the need to get some pipe laid in you.

evilplatypus 38

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Saturday 13 April 2019 0:36

Not only can they not tell the difference between group chat and individual chat, they cant tell the difference between video and text!

turnabouttrial 19

Saturday 13 April 2019 8:01

if she's posting it on FML, a humor site, I'm pretty sure she's open to you laughing at her, not just feeling sorry for her

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Saturday 13 April 2019 1:01

And i bet all the guys ran to your room.

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Saturday 13 April 2019 16:55

Why would you text your boyfriend while you’re video chatting with him? This makes no sense.

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Sunday 14 April 2019 5:22

To this day I’m really not sure how people do this. I’ve never mistakenly texted a current / former boss or coworker or relative something inappropriate by mistake, and I’ve accumulated contacts from a million jobs, internships, volunteering positions and other academic or formal events. And i usually message multiple people at once. And I make all kinds of inappropriate jokes and shit that the professional people in my life don’t know about lol. It’s not that hard to pay attention

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Friday 19 April 2019 18:28

Just explain that you already had plans and you didn't want to go out! If they want to hang, they can always come watch!😂🙊#Stay... awkward

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 154

You deserved it 29

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 146