Miscellaneous: Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping... - FML

By Andrew - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Commando

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

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By cat lady - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

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By sadinseattle - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

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By Anonymous

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By morenita27 - Canada

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

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By thecatlady - Australia - Kambalda

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

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By WeezysBaby - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By no - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

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By DBR - United States

Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML

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By TetrisMaster - Australia

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

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By jkon - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend and told her I was mowing my lawn. She responded "it's about time, it keeps getting caught in my teeth!" I was referring to the lawn outside of my house. FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By sophistication - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By Hello condoms and lube - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I learnt what my boss meant when he said he would 'get his revenge on me' for winning a bet. I have to clean all the rooms that currently have a couple staying in it on February 15th. I don't want to work in a hotel anymore. FML

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By crier - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

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By dumbass - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

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By failure - United States

Today, I went to a jeweler's to buy a ring to propose to my girlfriend. When I was at the restaurant, in mid-proposal, with people watching, I realized I had left the ring in the store. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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By unknown

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

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By Chuffy - United States - Fort Collins

Today, to help me get over my crippling social anxiety, my therapist encouraged me to sing in front of a crowd, since I actually have a fine singing voice. I ended up fainting onstage, mid-song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had a dream that I kicked the moon like a soccer ball. It started swearing in my boyfriend's voice. That part wasn't a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saddle Brook

Today, while on my morning jog, I turned a corner, and out of nowhere, the business end of a bicycle hit me straight in the nuts. As I collapsed, gasping in agony, the guy who just killed a hundred million of my potential children got back on his bike and cycled away without a word. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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By mushroommouth - United States

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

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By GGimabeast - United States

Cool story, tell it again

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By NotYourToy - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

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By SoupCanoe - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1452561 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:12

Smooth move for grandpa! Weren't you watching it with him?

By deepbluesea | 1

#1452588 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:17

This is one of the funniest FMLs I have ever read.

COMMENTS

By ThatsJustMii | 0

#1452539 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:07

hahaha lol

Reply

blaherman | 12

#1452724 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:30

grandpa is a legend

Reply

YupImBack | 0

#1453062 - Friday 24 September 2010 20:17

Win

Reply

lm27 | 5

#1453071 - Friday 24 September 2010 20:23

hahahahahah I love this... you got owned by your grandpa

Reply

BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1453091 - Friday 24 September 2010 20:28

experience is key... you can use this on your grandchildren.

Reply

Skroal_stomper | 5

#1453416 - Friday 24 September 2010 21:40

Grandpa is the best. Learn from him Op he is apparently very wise.

Reply

Toiga | 0

#1453566 - Friday 24 September 2010 22:13

Hahaha wow that's Hellas funny

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1453574 - Friday 24 September 2010 22:17

lmao

Reply

Tweety122888 | 0

#1454635 - Saturday 25 September 2010 0:58

lmao i love your grandpa he is the best!!!

Reply

hamshama | 0

#1454801 - Saturday 25 September 2010 1:37

Best. Gramps. EVER!

Reply

daddyceelo | 0

#1455050 - Saturday 25 September 2010 2:20

lmao

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1455099 - Saturday 25 September 2010 2:31

OP- your grandpa is full of win...

Reply

krustacea | 1

#1455175 - Saturday 25 September 2010 2:43

nice.....

Reply

Rape_Laser | 0

#1455195 - Saturday 25 September 2010 2:48

ur grandpas fuckin awesome!

Reply

luvpav | 0

#1455875 - Saturday 25 September 2010 6:41

what movie was it?

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#1455878 - Saturday 25 September 2010 6:47

haha my grandpa downloaded porn on my laptop and my mom saw it XD didn't say I didn't like it tho ...

Reply

modelshark | 0

#1457097 - Saturday 25 September 2010 18:03

wow thats awesome on his part but sucks for you.

Reply

iatetehrabbit | 0

#1733167 - Monday 22 November 2010 8:08

3 words funniest. grandpa. evar!!!

Reply

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2754299 - Saturday 25 June 2011 5:54

PIMPIN!!!!!

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1452561 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:12

Smooth move for grandpa! Weren't you watching it with him?

Reply

Cinn_fml | 22

#1452572 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:13

^Enough said really.

Reply

NightSkyx | 0

#1452734 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:31

sounds like number 2's profile pic lol

Reply

cabbitt | 0

#1452744 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:31

Awesome. Grandpa pwned the OP.

Reply

Trollz4daLULZ | 1

#1452811 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:41

Hey! I was #2! How did your post eat mine and take its spot?!

Here it goes again:

OP, YDI for being a disgusting pervert and watching porn, for attempting to blame it on your grandfather, for having a television, and for even having grandparents at all! Now, cough up some video footage of the movie in question. You know, research.

Reply

Joseph_Stalin | 0

#1454741 - Saturday 25 September 2010 1:24

I agree with this gentlemen here.

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#1454846 - Saturday 25 September 2010 1:47

it's "this gentleman" or "these gentlemen"

Reply

meganannee | 0

#1455883 - Saturday 25 September 2010 6:49

^ grammar win

Reply

BaglMinionz | 8

#5936937 - Wednesday 7 May 2014 1:22

Mentlegen, Please, calm down.

By iGrenade | 0

#1452565 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:12

badass

Reply

arcadelegend | 0

#1452940 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:56

I second that motion. badass indeed.

Reply

kofinater | 3

#1454456 - Saturday 25 September 2010 0:06

i would love to hangout with op's grandfather he seems cool as shit

Reply

wwerulez14 | 6

#1455684 - Saturday 25 September 2010 5:24

Shit is cool? Since WHEN?! And why was I not informed of this?

By Crazy4Cowboys | 0

#1452567 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:13

this is pretty funny lmfao

By rottentomatoes | 7

#1452569 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:13

"gramps, HIGHFIVE TIEM"

Reply

BahahahLOL | 0

#1455586 - Saturday 25 September 2010 4:49

I want that muhfuckin grandpa! all mine does is cough and ask for money

By deepbluesea | 1

#1452588 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:17

This is one of the funniest FMLs I have ever read.

Reply

friedchickenpie | 14

#3774515 - Friday 23 December 2011 5:57

Definitely. I wonder what channel it was...

By maidenandwhat | 0

#1452629 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:18

silly grandpa.

Reply

sipher16 | 0

#1453009 - Friday 24 September 2010 20:04

silly grandpa chicks are for erect dicks

Reply

DefineAlrep | 9

#1455674 - Saturday 25 September 2010 5:21

haha!

Reply

movingtarget_fml | 4

#2556110 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 3:26

porn is for kids

By rpvia | 0

#1452631 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:18

hahah your granpa is tight yo

Reply

lickmyjock | 0

#1452684 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:27

and so is grandma...

By crazyazzkile | 5

#1452648 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:23

That makes me want to ride the roflcopter, that is hilarious!!

By GrandpaIsMyHero | 0

#1452656 - Friday 24 September 2010 19:25

Your grandpa is my new hero.

Reply

joanjett | 0

#1453507 - Friday 24 September 2010 21:58

You have the coolest grandpa. All mine does is sleep.

Reply

semchuk | 6

#2862193 - Sunday 10 July 2011 19:37

I would high five my gramps if he did that to me.. seriously op.. YOUR GRAMPA IS A RETIRED NINJA!!