Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of...

By Fatty - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. FML

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Triage

Gratitude walks

Sewer monster

By sincerely depressed. - United States - Fremont

Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML

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By Sarah - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

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By roidrager - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By Stupid

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By furbys69 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By nonnie31 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

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By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

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By flopsy - Australia

A tale as old as time

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my brand new iPod Touch outside. There had been a drought for the past 3 weeks. Not anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 23:01

It's called fashion Susan, look it up

Today, I thought it'd be funny to give my younger brother a wedgie. I found the thong I thought I'd lost. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By pissfaced - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

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By AlreadyInDebt - United States

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

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By coco - Canada

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

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By meatballz - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Relax

Today, in the attempt to have a relaxing self-care evening, I ran a bath, threw in some bath salts then put a face mask on and hopped on in. After about 7 minutes of relaxing, my back started burning, so I got out only to discover the bath salts have given me a rash. FML

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By Lonile13 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

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By keifer13 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

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By countrygirl8846 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML

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Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By theproblemboblem - 29/4/2021 14:00

Going well, isn't it

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

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By RescuePups - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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By Your ass... Grab it... - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

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By Anonymous

Sit and stew

Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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By canadiansun - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By I'm stupid - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By SonofDonald - United States

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

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By omfgitburns

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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By Dipping Tired - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By whattheheck - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

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By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

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By eejit - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7812385 - Saturday 15 June 2019 16:42

Your mistake is you have idiot friends.

Find other fatties who like bagels and hang out with them, maybe even literally.

By colderthanyou | 15

#7812417 - Saturday 15 June 2019 19:38

I prefer bagels over bae goals anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7812374 - Saturday 15 June 2019 15:44

"Bae Goals" is a stupid term. I'm disappointed for you that you didn't get your bagels, and your excitement is completely understandable. No one would have thought any different to you, except your friend.

Also, "baggle".