Health: Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice... - FML

By Anonymous - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Messed up

How to make a sociopath

By ThePopeMan - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game." She was sighing, not moaning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I caught a coworker at my new job staring at my chest. Trying not to rock the boat, I took him aside and asked him to stop. He insisted he was just trying to read my shirt. Our company uniforms don't have writing on them. FML

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By towelwindow - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the old folk's home where I work as a housekeeper, a resident was holding herself on the way to the bathroom. I hoped she wouldn't leave a mess. She made it just fine. I was then informed that she had left a crap trail from the couch, more than 20ft away. FML

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By Foreveralone - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By itsEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

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By well fuck!

Today, I was grocery shopping with my kids. As I was buckling them into their car seats, two men jumped out of a truck, hoisted my cart and sped off. According to security, this has become a regular occurrence at the store. My entire month of groceries gone in seconds. FML

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By fme - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

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By Stinkycar

Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML

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By inhaler -.- - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

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By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Corona

Masked Singer

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

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By Rafiki - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By technical - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

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By well_f_u_too

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By SeeBrendenBurn - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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By yikes - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By BritneyFink - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

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By fml1977 - United States

Honest

Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML

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By TANT - United States

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

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By GHTD - United Kingdom

Today, at work, whilst on hold to an important client, I said to my co-workers "F*cking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite". I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

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By buiuuum - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By Shuttie - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By Dirty_Mind_69 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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By clostar - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

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By fml9124 - 25/4/2020 20:00

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 01:13

Pencil in the ass time

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

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By Roses are Red - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By DevilsTemptation - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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By Zamaria - France

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

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Top comments

By Kalofinator | 0

#177882 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

Oh no! At least you're not hurt too badly - unless you're typing this with your cast in a hospital bed. She's got to feel awful!!

By Hi_Itz_Me | 0

#994965 - Sunday 16 May 2010 2:21

shut the hell up

COMMENTS

By fighterx28 | 0

#177873 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:02

That really sucks.

Reply

beffburger | 0

#830279 - Saturday 6 February 2010 14:47

more like f your friends life. You'll get physically better soon. your friend will still be mortified and upset in years to come.

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#979996 - Thursday 15 April 2010 5:56

no actauuly f her life (OP) cos she got hit

Reply

seanders | 10

#1616956 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:07

YDI for trying to reverse the laws of Darwinism

Reply

FatGuyLover | 0

#1912368 - Friday 31 December 2010 10:20

how does this suck? getting hurt for your friends creates a stronger bond

Reply

BirdieCurls | 25

#5857893 - Friday 14 February 2014 7:32

Why are all these commenters illiterate? Can't we just speak normally?

Reply

Leumas1999 | 3

#6108213 - Monday 3 November 2014 6:13

#170 but getting hurt BY your friend doesn't

By Cg3780byoch | 0

#177874 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:02

srry but that REALLY sucks!!!

Reply

palltaru | 0

#2126616 - Sunday 27 February 2011 1:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xiaoxaio | 5

#3566996 - Thursday 10 November 2011 6:29

DAAAYYUUMM

By BrannFYR | 0

#177875 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:02

THAT SUCKS!!!

FYL

By manoverboard | 0

#177879 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

My friend did that to me a few days ago, and I almost got hit by an old lady. ;o
-gives you a medal anyway-

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4116509 - Saturday 3 March 2012 7:26

YOU COMBO BREAKING SON OF A BITCH!!!

By Kalofinator | 0

#177882 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

Oh no! At least you're not hurt too badly - unless you're typing this with your cast in a hospital bed. She's got to feel awful!!

By idlebear | 0

#177883 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:03

:(

By anatomyguy | 0

#177885 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:04

pretty sure i've read this FML before. plus if you were pulling her AWAY from the car how were u on that side in order to get pushed into it? Fake.

By kristenlee | 3

#177887 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Hi_Itz_Me | 0

#994965 - Sunday 16 May 2010 2:21

shut the hell up

Reply

ddawgg5523 | 0

#1022521 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:04

fuck off 7. go suck your shemale genitals in some fuckin ditch and then eat yourself >=(

Reply

pcakewafflebacon | 0

#1120728 - Thursday 22 July 2010 0:38

lol good one

Reply

hackymeal | 0

#1235268 - Friday 13 August 2010 13:54

he was jokiing lol

Reply

NOWAYJOSE | 14

#1740016 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 14:23

I'd like to see YOU get knocked over.

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4116531 - Saturday 3 March 2012 7:29

She may have made a stupid comment..but don't you think you guys are being a little harsh?

Besides...she was just joking, and as her profile said, you should never take her seriously

EDIT: seems I'm 2 years late e_e

Reply

ErinPinelli | 24

#5691740 - Friday 27 September 2013 9:17

You can do the same, 164.

By ocfan90 | 0

#177888 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:04

nice friend you have there

Reply

pancakesrock | 7

#5976682 - Sunday 15 June 2014 22:06

I agree! Friends who are stupid are the best!

By FBIWarning | 0

#177889 - Thursday 7 May 2009 23:04

hahaha get owned