Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man... - FML

By station - 5/5/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the train station when an old man grabbed me. I started screaming, yelling, "HELP" like a madwoman and tried pushing him away - that's when I saw the golf cart rush past me. He was trying to push me aside from getting run over. Everyone started laughing. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Workaholic

Bad news

By anx133 - 15/1/2009 08:05 - China

Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By puking now - 14/12/2013 00:34 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

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By lafinesse - 14/5/2012 22:23

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2017 01:30

Zigazig Ah

Today, I walked in on my fiancé while he was masturbating to the Spice Girls movie. FML

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By frankfukhergood - 9/7/2009 05:49 - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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By telefucked - 31/7/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my parents switched phone companies, which changed the phone number. Two days ago, I dropped off over 15 job applications with my 'old' number on all of them. There is a waiting period before I can reapply anywhere. FML

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By hudd357mag - 6/2/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

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By Lizofsmeg - 26/10/2009 16:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 07:25 - United States

Mean girls

Today, I watched our presidential candidates face off like high school girls with the whole world watching. FML

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By Magicali - 22/4/2013 02:56 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

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By FUCK THE PIGS - 26/1/2013 20:44 - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

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By theshad - 10/9/2010 06:28 - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

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By jentown11 - 28/9/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

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By Ketchup - 22/6/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

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By phonebaby - 18/11/2014 01:04 - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

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By stinky - 24/1/2012 08:15 - United States

Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Slumming it

Today, my mum and I were moving the last of  my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was  coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped  through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell  right through. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2014 21:29 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

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By CaeliLady - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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By SalonGirl - 10/3/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 14:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Physics fail. - 11/11/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I finished up my physics project. I had to make some thing out of toothpicks and glue that will keep an egg from breaking when dropped 20 feet. It took me 10 hours to make it, but only took my dad 10 seconds to step on it and break it. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By LetMeOut - 11/11/2013 18:02 - United States - Richmond

Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 03:07 - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2012 05:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 20:01

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

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By Discipl - 28/10/2014 03:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

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By -____- - 5/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By Noname - 15/3/2009 03:56 - United States

Today, I ran for the train that was about to leave. I tried to hold the doors open with my leg and got stuck. The conductor just yelled out how unbelievable and ridiculous I was and waited 2 minutes to finally release me. Everyone was laughing at me. FML

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By mcmanager - 11/8/2014 14:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

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By itsemilyc - 2/2/2015 19:34 - United States - Byron Center

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I was on my way to college when I got in a car wreck with none other than my professor. My car was totaled and couldn't drive, but his could so I missed class, but he still made it. The end result? He marked me as an "unexcused absence" and gave me a zero. The accident was his fault. FML

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By me - 24/4/2014 15:32 - United States - Paris

Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:52 - United States

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 15:52 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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Top comments

By 1Tsk | 0

#170783 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:25

always trust old people grabbing you

By Coffee_Kaioken | 0

#170786 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:27

For once, I actually love the first comment that was made on a new post.

COMMENTS

By 1Tsk | 0

#170783 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:25

always trust old people grabbing you

Reply

rockindyl22 | 0

#2831603 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 18:25

Even Herbert the Pervert?

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#4859147 - Saturday 25 August 2012 15:21

Especially Herbert the pervert.

By Coffee_Kaioken | 0

#170786 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:27

For once, I actually love the first comment that was made on a new post.

Reply

Darraghscoot | 0

#974185 - Monday 5 April 2010 3:31

you overreacted YDI.Old men are stereotyped by so many women as being pervs:/.

Reply

lizamaphone | 6

#1108645 - Monday 19 July 2010 9:27

IMA LEAVE AN IRRELEVANT COMMENT SO THAT MINE IS SEEN LOL.

Reply

gladlily | 16

#6680258 - Monday 29 August 2016 5:43

I feel lie a simple "Watch out!" as he grabbed her could have prevented this situation. I'd be alarmed if someone just grabbed me out of nowhere without a word too, whoever they were.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#170795 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:31

Lmao, don't worry too much you can't trust everyone, and a bunch of dick heads are going to say that you deserved it, but hey you can't trust everyone. But this is HILARIOUS!

By Poison93_fml | 0

#170799 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:32

what's up with people these days? is trust really gone? YDI for being stupid...

Reply

valri3 | 0

#1574947 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 3:19

sorry it's the world live in now.

Reply

sirhobothesecond | 3

#2895663 - Friday 15 July 2011 7:45

In today's common society, most people would be quite freaked out if an old man tackled a young woman. So stop being such a sensitive loser and if you aren't used to such behavior as this FML, you'd better get used to it.

Reply

lopecrit | 7

#5486732 - Friday 10 May 2013 18:25

Have you been watching the news lately? An older man kidnapped 4 girls and raped 3 for many years. So sorry for her "over imagination" .

By xxmollyxx | 25

#170812 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:39

trust no one.

By biancagolden | 0

#170823 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:45

where exactly did he grab you?

By 24788 | 6

#170832 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:49

Lol, that's just funny.

By rawrsaysdino | 0

#170840 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:53

@ #1

thanks for the laugh (:

By Jiraiya_fml | 0

#170846 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:56

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA UR A RETARD!!!

By loveyababe | 0

#170849 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 12:58

laugh it off! no one will remember in a week or so :)