Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde... - FML

07/09/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 176

You deserved it 78 044

Sweets dreams are made of these

Broken dreams

Frustration

06/11/2014 20:15 - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 722

You deserved it 7 784

11/01/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 769

You deserved it 7 287

Wrong sort of poking

By Anonymous - 22/09/2013 05:40 - United States - Brandon

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 067

You deserved it 9 712

26/09/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 314

You deserved it 3 329

Karen strikes again

By Ihateithere - 13/07/2021 16:01

Today, I was reduced to tears and called a "useless fat bitch" by a customer I was serving. She didn’t realize that the steak fajitas she’d ordered had steak in them. She said she was a vegetarian. She failed to mention it, but apparently it was "my fault" because I “should have known." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 58

19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 379

You deserved it 10 178

14/01/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 862

You deserved it 7 850

08/12/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, after the firetruck and EMS came to my house for an emergency, I realized that not all firefighters looked like the ones in my calendar. This depressed me more than the emergency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 854

You deserved it 43 189

29/03/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 098

You deserved it 3 198

18/03/2012 20:02 - United States - Tucson

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 033

You deserved it 3 052

30/07/2013 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 168

You deserved it 3 673

19/03/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 013

You deserved it 2 964

29/05/2012 22:24 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 544

You deserved it 4 898

22/08/2014 22:18 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 190

You deserved it 49 491

15/02/2017 04:00 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my mum told me I should see a therapist when she saw me wipe down a remote before using it. My dad has a knack for blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on his pants, and my mum is the kind to pick up food residue from the drain and eat it - but sure, I'M the one with bad habits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 529

You deserved it 455

Can't choose

By Blackmailed - 21/09/2021 17:00

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was cool, until I found out that the HR recruiter was my mother-in-law. She told me that the work was mine if I break up with her daughter. I have until the next Wednesday to think about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 72

11/07/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, trying to make a good impression and be helpful, I volunteered to look after my manager's cat while she moves house. The cat hasn't stopped meowing since he got here this evening, it's now 4 am and I have work in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 445

You deserved it 6 711

Et tu, Brute?

By Anonymous - 30/07/2018 15:00

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 256

You deserved it 435

29/11/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I got fired. By my father. He wants me to drive him to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 582

You deserved it 3 571

17/09/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, after expressing some of my reservations about the amount of work I have to do to accomplish my thesis on time, my graduate advisor compared my search for knowledge to Tom Hanks' odyssey in the movie "Castaway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 881

You deserved it 4 139

05/05/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 788

You deserved it 126

Gatekeeping gamers

By oldschool - 04/06/2021 08:03

Today, my roommate walked in on me playing Ocarina of Time and snarkily asked me why I’m playing a 20 year-old game. Apparently I’m not allowed to like stuff that didn’t come out this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 97

05/10/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 894

You deserved it 2 555

05/06/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 593

You deserved it 3 379

20/07/2011 22:17 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 348

You deserved it 2 621

27/05/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 283

You deserved it 7 717

29/10/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 638

You deserved it 5 035

02/09/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 314

You deserved it 10 210

26/12/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 457

You deserved it 4 245

23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 940

You deserved it 67 867

24/02/2009 11:57 - Hungary

Spicy

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 989

You deserved it 56 533

04/02/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 190

You deserved it 6 887

24/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 352

You deserved it 2 986

08/08/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 688

You deserved it 3 762

15/05/2019 14:08

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 139

Nice try

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59 - United States - Skokie

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 3 778

Craft beer bores

By Sticky - 08/11/2020 17:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 346

25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 52 100

09/02/2009 18:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 527

You deserved it 5 238

Realization

By Eyal - 20/08/2021 17:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, after always thinking I wasn't ugly just fat, I've lost 30kg and it now turns out I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 98

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:17

So..... what are the police charging you with?

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:19

This needs to be illustrated.

Comments

Dancinganimal256 3

Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:13

I'm such a wanker, can I have a Curlywurly?

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:21

That chick got pwned. That's what you should have said.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:25

Um....are you sure you're not the one that's blonde? She probably saw the car coming... Today, I was walking across the street. I slowed down because there was a car coming and I didn't want to get hit. Randomly, this guy runs and tackles me straight into the oncoming car. FML

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:50

How funny would it be if when she gets out of the hospital she posts that.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:51

Good point Tess, but in line with the FML, I don't see HOW he could have pushed her the wrong way??? Was he high when he saw her or something? ________________________ www.myspace.com/rapid99

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 2:17

Ahaha, that's adorable! ------ http://www.youtube.com/user/CynicalDyke

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 13:10

I don't think you guys realize how hilarious this is. Imagine seeing a guy running up full speed and push someone into a car, stare, then walk away as if nothing happened.

YouFailForLife 7

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Wednesday 9 September 2009 4:04

The perfect gentleman

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Wednesday 9 September 2009 4:12

#124-YES! I pictured that just after i read it.....that...that is win

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Friday 26 February 2010 22:55

ya I'm suprised that there isn't an fml that says today was a perfect day until some ass hole pushed me INTO a car

whitehawk_fml 0

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Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:51

fucking bullshit and if true which isn't u r dumb ass

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Saturday 3 July 2010 4:26

FALCON...... SHOVE..... YESSSSS!

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Tuesday 6 July 2010 6:17

Today, I was walking down the street, minding my own buisness, when some douche pushed me straight into an oncoming car. FML

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Wednesday 20 April 2011 18:26

smooth.... lmao;)

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Thursday 5 January 2012 9:33

Does No one care about weather or not she's alright?

MelonLord1544 11

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Tuesday 24 December 2013 1:25

I think we care whether or not you'll get better grammar practice.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:14

Dayum. You fail, big time.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 2:30

no, clearly fake

dakotalesmercy 6

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Tuesday 18 May 2010 15:37

Yes. You should go cry in a corner

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:20

How do you push her INTO the car? Do you fail at aiming?

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:14

WTF? i would like to call fake, bt u never can tell on here.. wow in the time it took to write this 4 ppl already posted..

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:14

That's kind of depressing... I bet that really sucks for the girl. Jerk.

ireply_w_lyrics 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 5:07

"...Spiderman, Spiderman, Does whatever a spider can Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves just like flies Look Out! Here comes the Spiderman..."

ireply_w_lyrics 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 5:19

[To late to edit to add this, so i have an extra comment] My lyrics that relate to the FML instead of a comment are at the bottom (#91 i think) And they are not country Enjoy!

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Wednesday 11 July 2012 17:52

You're not second dumb ass...

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:16

Ultimate fail.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:17

So..... what are the police charging you with?

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Thursday 26 February 2015 14:31

Attempted murder.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:18

I'm with 5, Ultimate Fail. This should be on Failblog, not on FMyLife.

PrinceTwilight17 0

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:18

How stupid can you get?! O.o either you were on the side of her where you could of pushed her out of the way or you weren't. Are you brain dead or something O.o

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 2:36

He likes football and cheesy rom coms so I will go with brain dead or incredibly stupid.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:19

This needs to be illustrated.

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:56

THIS. It'd be funny as hell. Too bad I can't draw worth a damn.

Irony_and_Ivory 1

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Tuesday 8 September 2009 1:20

You, sir, are as smooth as curdled milk.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 421

You deserved it 103

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 133